I realize it has been four months since my last blog.
I wish I could say it was because nothing really significant has happened during February March April but quite the opposite.
February was challenging with preparation for our annual Gala fundraiser, hiring an operations manager at the mission and our first employee which became much more of a process than I ever anticipated but thankful that I learned some pretty serious things about processes and people. I also learned that I had to stop and take more time to think things through before allowing the seduction of excitement get the best of me. I know my excitement caused pain for someone else-a bitter lesson to learn. All life lessons that I will carry with me always and certainly NEVER forget. Sometimes you think you are side by side with another JESUS FREAK but sometimes it just turns out that they dropped the JESUS and just kept the FREAK.
March was Gala month which always means crazy times of long days, organizing meetings and praying alot for God to come through with all the unknowns and with the process of hiring over we welcomed a wonderful addition to our team at HHSM who made the crazy process totally worth it. When you are on the other side of the storm or above the clouds I guess its much easier to appreciate the sun. It didn't go anywhere, you just couldn't see it until the storm passed.God had his hand on the process all along and so glad for wisdom and calm of leadership within the board of HHSM. I was more of a FREAK in March than a JESUS FREAK but I guess that's my humanity getting the best of me.
My plan was to get back to blogging in April because there was so much excitement ahead. I have never been more excited about anything else in my life...seriously.....I was about to be a Granny!!!! I was planning to Blog everyone to boredom with my daily writings about her, my beautiful granddaughter, the fresh new hope for our family, our wonderful gift from God. Then April came, full of excitement, full of joy, full of hope...............
Our beautiful granddaughter Brooklyn Adelaide was born on April 5th 2014..........7lbs 12 oz , beautiful chubby cheeks, curly dark hair and the cutest nose I have ever seen on any baby. SO beautiful truly more beautiful than any other baby I have ever seen, I dare say even my own.......... I wonder if her beauty came from knowing that she was already in the arms of Jesus. As I write even these words the lump builds up in my throat and it still seems so unbelievable.
Brooklyns mother , my beautiful courageous daughter Fiona has started to write a blog herself that I would love for you to read. She is writing a raw emotional experience that I can never understand and don't ever want to , I cannot imagine having one of my girls die before me. Please follow it at
http://brooklynadelaide.blogspot.ca/2014/05/happy-mothers-day.html
I have a piece of me that wants to write about how I am feeling BUT somehow it feels wrong......
My JESUS FREAK seems to be hiding somewhere deep inside and I am trying to dig it out but sometimes the heaviness just weighs it down. A few days after Brooklyns celebration of life I was weighed down by a scary call back after my first mammogram, they saw something that needed to be checked again. Its funny when you are already feeling despair how your immediate sense of hope in anything else goes right out the window....I was already ok with possibly dying of breast cancer if I had it.....it all seemed too much for our family that i just assumed the worst things would just keep happening. I didn't even share this with my family out of fear that t would be too much for them to handle , even the possibility of bad news seemed too great, I felt responsible to protect them. It turns out there was nothing but I will say that I discovered very quickly in the month of April 2014 that we have no control over any of it.Even things we think only happen to other people really do happen to us too.
Its hard not to become detached or bitter or remain in the place of anger. Its hard not to think "whats the point of it all anyway if goodness just gets robbed by darkness?"
Its hard to watch as your little girl cries out for you to help them in a moment when darkness fills the room with something to thick that you cant even breathe. Its hard to try to find your FREAK again when your little girl looks lost and knowing that a piece of her is missing and you can do NOTHING at all to fix it.
I know my FREAK is still in there.......I just need time to find it......I know I have no choice but to go looking for it otherwise darkness ultimately wins and that's NOT how this JESUS FREAK works.
Please pray for my daughter and her husband Derek and follow her blog, in spite of the tears I know you will find you will be washed by them and leave feeling hopeful again.
