This is not another blog about New Years resolutions.......Okay maybe it is but its not about how to keep them or that you should even have them, perhaps it is more about reclaiming them for something that will actually benefit us.
Trust me there is nothing I hate more than those things, they sound really great on December 31st but then immediately start to dwindle by the time we watch the ball drop into the next year. Over my lifetime I have witnessed people decide to give up drinking and then toast with champagne , I have decided to eat better and then stuff myself in the name of celebration, I have decided to exercise more then sleep in after a long night and stay in my PJ's the whole next day and so on and so on. More often than not my attempt at resolutions are never for myself anyway , although they certainly are packaged that way. I say I want to eat less and move more for my health and that might be a little bit true but if I was honest a huge part of it is to look better in this world for other people, even my friend who declared to stop drinking was doing it for his family not truly for himself, he wasn't ready yet. This is why resolutions suck. Infact they are like most other parts of our lives if we are honest. They sound good, feel good saying them out loud or writing them in a book, they even look good for a while until the inevitable happens and the very thing that made us feel so good saying, writing, committing to and helped us look so good ends up turning on us into a pile of guilt, shame and condemnation because we are now too weak, too lazy, not strong enough, not determined enough, not "one of those people" that we think exist because of our distorted lens of social media and we are in a strange pit that seems even deeper than the one we declared we were escaping from on December 31.........what the heck just happened?!?!?
Much of this whole resolution thing, although its been alive and well for many years, is a new unachievable fairy tale place that exists only on Pinterest, Facebook, twitter and Instagram. Its a land of perfect moms who have perfect bodies, perfect kids, perfect husbands, perfect pets, perfect houses, perfect friends, perfect meals. Beside her lives that perfect couple, with the perfect jobs, the perfect condo, the perfect lifestyle and go on their perfect vacations. This is the community of perfect Christians who memorize the bible , pray for hours from the crack of dawn everyday,go to the perfect church, only watch and listen to good godly messages, have good godly perfect children who go to the perfect Christian school and have the perfect Christian friends and are eager to work side by side with their parents on humanitarian missions, they have a good godly perfect Christian marriage and the skeletons in their closets (just like the ones we all have) are camouflaged beautifully by their social media accounts that lift them up by the bodies of those of us who live under the weight of this unattainable perfection.
Any resolution I thought about having this year was only a reflection of the fact that my life NEVER resembles any of this list EVER! I started to wonder and pray if I had been a part of this incredible false sense of achievement via social media........was I too making victims of what my life looks like on the internet? I looked at my life, our life over the last few years and realized that yes I too had put out some posts that made things look better than they actually were, although in fairness I feel like if I put out ALL of our junk the internet might explode lol! Many people know that life has not been a bed of roses for our family that last few years but more of a series of weeds growing in some dead grass with the occasional awesome beautiful bloom growing up in midst of it all. Often things were totally out of control, Sometimes we had to look hard and clear out a lot of weeds in our life ( unhealthy people, places and things) but the blooms were truly beautiful. That's who God is though, isn't He............He does let us grow a few weeds so we will do the work of clearing them out to see His beauty. Isaiah 61:3
This year instead of one of those resolutions that are just feeble attempts to live up to a perfection that never existed in the first place I have decided to try my best to follow this list I wrote for myself that will be in my purse, on my fridge, in my car anywhere I need to be reminded of what really matters in life:
1. Truly let it go - Seriously people lets all pull an Elsa from Frozen, yes even if you need to sing that annoying song to remind you to let it go do it! When we hang onto garbage our own or others we become heavy, drained and tired I don't know about you but this makes me feel almost as good as a cardio workout when we drop it all. The truth is I don't care how much you weigh, if you are carrying around the garbage of guilt, shame, condemnation, unachievable perfection you will feel like you are 600 lbs even if your 105lbs. I promise we will all feel healthier in body mind and spirit when we decide to let it go, all of it, all the hurt , pain especially what others have done to you. I promise we will all feel lighter and able to do more than we could ever imagine. Forgiveness does that, honest I know this for sure, I just have to learn to go to it FIRST before I hold onto the garbage until it drowns me, drains me of any life-giving energy. Col 3:13
2. Clear out the weeds - I am not exactly someone who has a green thumb but I know enough to know that if you leave the weeds not only can you not see the beautiful flowers but it leaves no room for more to grow. This may seem like a contradiction to the first item on my list about letting go and forgiving but its not, Letting go and forgiving can still happen but sometimes you need to remove the "weedy" people, places and things of life that keep popping up. We only have a short time on this earth and I believe we are to be loving and kind to everyone but NOT to the detriment of our health. Unless we pull weeds out by the root they will spring up somewhere else in the garden and caused more problems elsewhere. Choose a small (1-2) group of people in your life as those whom you can spill everything too and know it stays with them AND that they wont just say they will pray for you but they will. Choose people who live what they say. People who understand that time in silence with God is more important than a clean house or clean floors. People who care more about being with God than being the person people think they should be. Find these people in your life. Find places to go to be with God, life-giving places, taking the time to do nothing with Him. Do things to breathe life into you even if they world says that is not a goal worthy of a social media post. Take time to be alone because people will always want a piece of you, be careful who you give yourself to, even Jesus took time away from people. My mother always says " People are either builders or destroyers they are never both" Choose builders, people who are not just a builder to your face but behind the scenes too. These are the people who help us weed our gardens and add new life to them. Luke 5: 15-16
3. Believe God is who He says He is for YOUR life not someone elses - God has a plan for your life, I know you have heard this before but its true I think the problem is we look around at other peoples lives and think we need to live that one too, wow that would be pretty boring wouldn't it?!? Besides I've tried to do that it never works God has equipped you for a very specific purpose and all the tools necessary to do it. GOD has a plan for your life, no one else is God lets be clear about that, People often place us in a category of who they think you are generally without really taking the time to know you . We often think spending time in the same space as someone means we know them and that is terribly wrong. Go to the Word, read about how awesome God is, then read it some more and then believe He is still alive and active and waiting to perform amazing miracles in and through your life if you let Him. There is no better freedom than being in those moments when you feel Gods hand on your life. When you realize the places that felt like you were falling apart God was really putting you into place. When you see our lasagna God at His best , layering your life for great purpose. Believe Him and feel your life change for the better. 2Cor 6:16
When we let go , clear the weeds and believe God is who He says HE is there is nothing we cannot accomplish if it is in His will. Yes we should take care of ourselves, yes I need to loose some weight for my health but if I don't clear my life of the things preventing me from the freedom of a life in the fullness of God it doesn't matter how much I weigh or how much I go to the gym. The best part is when I live my life as close as I can to these three things, all the rest seems to fall into place. This is not a list intended to add any pressure to you or me I promise. I will be trying and failing just like you but I know if this list is my focus I will be the better for it.
Happy New year but remember God is more than 365 days a year, He is eternal, forever and everlasting! If you are reading this and have not given your life to the Lord don't waste another moment! DO not step into 2016 without surrendering your life to Him! Just ask for His forgiveness, ask him into your heart and receive His grace. THIS would be the best "resolution" you have EVER made!
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Thats how He rolls
Ever since my last post I have been trying to write this one. I shouldn't have hesitated because all it did was cause me to over think it to death, trying to write words that would make everyone okay with a decision that was made. The big problem with that is I worried more about what people would think and dismissed God in the process. I played it safe for a few months, but God isn't about safe. That's not how He rolls. I even went into scripture to find evidence of safe in the lives of those whom God calls and to my frustration I couldn't. I prayed about keeping it to a small corner of people in my life waiting until they somehow blew the trumpet announcing it for me. He isn't about safe or about passing the buck. He is about calling you out, moving you forward and making it messy. That's how He rolls.
Now that Ive built up this big announcement it occurred to me that building it up is a huge ego thing, maybe no one will even care whats going on or whats happening kind of like when someone builds up a movie that you "must" see and with great anticipation you pay too much money for movie and a popcorn and get there early to get the perfect seat only to be left wondering what the hype was all about........I pray you didn't get popcorn for this......here we go........
After 12 years of ministry we are leaving Helping Hands Street Mission. .......
Please leave the "theatre" now if you are already yawning, I don't want to subject you to continued torture as I now type out a small glimpse of the who what where when why and how. If you choose to stay seated I promise you this is definitely only a review and not a full length feature film, if you want the full length version invite me to your place, I'll even bring the popcorn.Oh and I thought about how I should make sure people know how much I love the mission and still do and then it occurred to me if someone needs to see that in writing on this blog then they have no idea who we are, so if you are looking for that please stop reading now. I think we have some pretty significant evidence of our love for what God did and is doing at HHSM so in this new chapter of my life I have decided that i wont be making people feel better about decisions we make, or trying to remove any thoughts from "enquiring minds" who like to create drama where there is none. If a great story comes out of this blog about some horrible thing that has caused us to leave, i cant control BS and wont give any more time to it. SO here goes:
WHO: Well its me , I am leaving along with my husband Tom. Not just stepping back, a term people use who truly want you to hang on to something God clearly has called you out of ,but LEAVING as in turning in my key. Tom will remain , for now, on a Sunday to help facilitate and preach at RAW. The bigger question of WHO to me is honestly getting to know Helen, child of God, no titles, no attachments, just Helen and Jesus I cant wait!
WHAT!?!?!: This is a response I have been getting from some people when they hear the news. I am never sure how to respond back. Often I feel like their state of shock is unreasonable or that I have to somehow comfort them or try to make them okay with a decision that Tom and I believe God has asked us to make. The truth is this is the response we have been giving God for over two years now and He isn't interested in giving us full disclosure about whats next, only glimpses, and he is also not interested in explaining it all until we were okay with it.Hes God that's how he rolls.......if you want further explanation, keep your bible open , its all in there.
WHERE: Where are you going to be? Like if we are not at the mission we someone cant possibly be anywhere else. It occurred to me that we have done a very bad job through this journey of faith of connecting ourselves only to HHSM and the ministry. I understood that people recognized us as somehow "attached" to it as founders , but I'm actually looking forward to being introduced at parties now wondering what people will put in the gap after my name because they can no longer say " This is Helen Norris she is the founder and Executive Director of Helping Hands Street Mission in Hamilton" For a teaser I will tell you that I believe God is asking me to stop being safe and being in a place that offers you comfort and some senses of entitlement in the community of believers, and go and use the gifts he gave me and step into something new that requires me to trust him for not just the "future" or where I will be but for income, a vehicle, a computer, a printer etc lots of perks I am required to drop if I feel called from the shoreline into the waves. Dropping all the perks that I secretly have coveted for years,especially those introductions.
WHEN: Well this is easy I gave my notice in April that I would be available until December 31 unless they find someone sooner, not my time, Gods. I will be launching a website FUMBLING THROUGH FAITH in September that is apart of my exciting new journey and whatever other possibilities God has planned well those "WHENS" I don't have the answer to and that feels so good...like waiting for the time at your birthday party when you get to open your gifts.
WHY: This is really hard to answer answer, again if we are looking to try and explain something you believe God has asked I feel almost like trying to explain to an unbeliever ( and sometimes "believers") about the miracles of God in scripture and stories about how I feel he "speaks" to me. I am either left looking like a crazy person ( something perhaps valid at times) or spinning my wheels in an effort to make other people okay with it, because that's how He rolls, you cant explain his awesomeness or his plans, you just have to go with it, but only if you truly want the things hes promised, they don't come in "safe" that's just not how He rolls.
HOW: Good question.......God ... that's how. He has never left my side these last 12 years that I have truly known him. He started something in me that I didn't understand 12 years ago and I honestly still don't because he is too big to understand and that's truly why I love him. The HOW for me is because of the trust I have for him, the same trust I had for his provisions when I left a job with pension and benefits to "work" at the mission for no money, no perks and a husband that wasn't working full time. HOW we kept our house...God , how our marriage and family didn't break up ( my family were immersed into something they never asked for and we have been "all-in" for 12 years) or collapse from exhaustion...God. He will continue to bless us and sustain us even though on paper its the craziest move ever ( oh yeah my husband is in recovery and not working right now either) but it never stopped us before because our God is unstoppable if you believe He is who HE says HE is.
My Mum put it best, " Well I guess its just another part of your adventures!"
Yes Mum that's how HE rolls.
Now that Ive built up this big announcement it occurred to me that building it up is a huge ego thing, maybe no one will even care whats going on or whats happening kind of like when someone builds up a movie that you "must" see and with great anticipation you pay too much money for movie and a popcorn and get there early to get the perfect seat only to be left wondering what the hype was all about........I pray you didn't get popcorn for this......here we go........
After 12 years of ministry we are leaving Helping Hands Street Mission. .......
Please leave the "theatre" now if you are already yawning, I don't want to subject you to continued torture as I now type out a small glimpse of the who what where when why and how. If you choose to stay seated I promise you this is definitely only a review and not a full length feature film, if you want the full length version invite me to your place, I'll even bring the popcorn.Oh and I thought about how I should make sure people know how much I love the mission and still do and then it occurred to me if someone needs to see that in writing on this blog then they have no idea who we are, so if you are looking for that please stop reading now. I think we have some pretty significant evidence of our love for what God did and is doing at HHSM so in this new chapter of my life I have decided that i wont be making people feel better about decisions we make, or trying to remove any thoughts from "enquiring minds" who like to create drama where there is none. If a great story comes out of this blog about some horrible thing that has caused us to leave, i cant control BS and wont give any more time to it. SO here goes:
WHO: Well its me , I am leaving along with my husband Tom. Not just stepping back, a term people use who truly want you to hang on to something God clearly has called you out of ,but LEAVING as in turning in my key. Tom will remain , for now, on a Sunday to help facilitate and preach at RAW. The bigger question of WHO to me is honestly getting to know Helen, child of God, no titles, no attachments, just Helen and Jesus I cant wait!
WHAT!?!?!: This is a response I have been getting from some people when they hear the news. I am never sure how to respond back. Often I feel like their state of shock is unreasonable or that I have to somehow comfort them or try to make them okay with a decision that Tom and I believe God has asked us to make. The truth is this is the response we have been giving God for over two years now and He isn't interested in giving us full disclosure about whats next, only glimpses, and he is also not interested in explaining it all until we were okay with it.Hes God that's how he rolls.......if you want further explanation, keep your bible open , its all in there.
WHERE: Where are you going to be? Like if we are not at the mission we someone cant possibly be anywhere else. It occurred to me that we have done a very bad job through this journey of faith of connecting ourselves only to HHSM and the ministry. I understood that people recognized us as somehow "attached" to it as founders , but I'm actually looking forward to being introduced at parties now wondering what people will put in the gap after my name because they can no longer say " This is Helen Norris she is the founder and Executive Director of Helping Hands Street Mission in Hamilton" For a teaser I will tell you that I believe God is asking me to stop being safe and being in a place that offers you comfort and some senses of entitlement in the community of believers, and go and use the gifts he gave me and step into something new that requires me to trust him for not just the "future" or where I will be but for income, a vehicle, a computer, a printer etc lots of perks I am required to drop if I feel called from the shoreline into the waves. Dropping all the perks that I secretly have coveted for years,especially those introductions.
WHEN: Well this is easy I gave my notice in April that I would be available until December 31 unless they find someone sooner, not my time, Gods. I will be launching a website FUMBLING THROUGH FAITH in September that is apart of my exciting new journey and whatever other possibilities God has planned well those "WHENS" I don't have the answer to and that feels so good...like waiting for the time at your birthday party when you get to open your gifts.
WHY: This is really hard to answer answer, again if we are looking to try and explain something you believe God has asked I feel almost like trying to explain to an unbeliever ( and sometimes "believers") about the miracles of God in scripture and stories about how I feel he "speaks" to me. I am either left looking like a crazy person ( something perhaps valid at times) or spinning my wheels in an effort to make other people okay with it, because that's how He rolls, you cant explain his awesomeness or his plans, you just have to go with it, but only if you truly want the things hes promised, they don't come in "safe" that's just not how He rolls.
HOW: Good question.......God ... that's how. He has never left my side these last 12 years that I have truly known him. He started something in me that I didn't understand 12 years ago and I honestly still don't because he is too big to understand and that's truly why I love him. The HOW for me is because of the trust I have for him, the same trust I had for his provisions when I left a job with pension and benefits to "work" at the mission for no money, no perks and a husband that wasn't working full time. HOW we kept our house...God , how our marriage and family didn't break up ( my family were immersed into something they never asked for and we have been "all-in" for 12 years) or collapse from exhaustion...God. He will continue to bless us and sustain us even though on paper its the craziest move ever ( oh yeah my husband is in recovery and not working right now either) but it never stopped us before because our God is unstoppable if you believe He is who HE says HE is.
My Mum put it best, " Well I guess its just another part of your adventures!"
Yes Mum that's how HE rolls.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Whats your "formula" ?
On January 1st 2015 I wrote in my thankful journal the Word that the Holy Spirit gave me for my life this year, the spirit declared a year of " Restoration of relationships" and as I wrote it down I smiled in anticipation of what God would do in my life. SO far God has definitely done some serious restoration of relationships,even in these last 6 months; family relationships, work relationships and friendships that seemed to be torn apart, mended. Sometimes He restored them to make them stronger Sometimes He restored my vision about certain relationships and gave me new eyes to see why the "restoration" sometimes means separation if a relationship is causing me to stumble in my faith walk. God restores and repairs but in His way, not ours.
In my previous blog I wrote about God restoring the relationship I had with my past, my hometown where alot of my mess was lived out- He truly is a miracle working God! Once again this evening He drew me back to "the well" with an opportunity to speak to a group of youth at YFC Youth UNlimited a Christian drop in center for teens where I grew up. It was incredible to share with the group about what it was like to grow up in their town which was now a city and to be able to come back and now give back to the community by preaching and teaching about how Awesome God is and how Jesus can save any life no matter how messed up. When I was near the end of my "talk" I felt God tell me to "declare it out loud!" I knew exactly what he was talking about because HE had been nudging me for YEARS to restore another part of my journey and I just kept putting it off or making excuses to do it another time. " Declare it out loud!!!!!" ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I said in my mind and this proceeded out of my mouth , " I was a thief and would go to the mall and into the Loblaws store and steal baby formula, but today after this I am going to buy some and donated it to the Salvation army ." There i said it. I left the building to drive to the store but realized it wasn't where it used to be.........maybe its a sign....NO its not.....I drove back through town to find it and parked in the parking lot and took a breath. I needed God to take me back to the time that I remembered stealing it. I needed Him to remind me how broken my life was and how so much of how I lived was simply out of what I needed no matter what the cost. Oh I definitely justified stealing the baby formula because we would "run out of money" or the S.A food bank would not have any free stuff left and my baby needed to eat, but the truth was if I had simply made better choices or managed my money better there would be no need to steal anything. My pride would also not allow me to ask family or friends for help. The bottom line is I was a thief, plain and simple, I took something that didn't belong to me and used my brokenness to justify it.
I realized that I had just spoke to a great group of teens about a God who makes us new and restores brokenness and for years I thought it meant my internal brokenness, I was a new person in Christ therefore the past is gone and didn't matter anymore. My sin was placed at the foot of the cross BUT it didn't mean that part of restoration and restitution was not my responsibility too. Over the years I said we didn't have enough money to do it its almost $30 a can you know! Or I would say God hasn't given me a word about that lol! Or I do ALOT of stuff for people in need so ive done my part! Or I have asked for forgiveness in broken relationships so I have done my part in restoration in my life! How foolish was I to ignore the God who knows my inner most being so well that he also knows what MY journey needed to be restored and healed. He had a "formula" for my restoration that included restoring that which was stolen from ME BUT also for me to restore what I too had stolen.
I went into the store that was much bigger than it ever was and noticed right away in the front lobby a large red bin that said Salvation Army Food bank and one of the top items needed was BABY FORMULA.........I hear you God I HEAR you...
I continued to walk until I found the baby section and looked for the brand I used to use/steal. I tried to remember how many times I stole it but couldn't so I picked up two of each kind just to be sure. I carried it in my arms until I got to a check out where a nice gentleman in from of me got me a buggy to put it in. When it was my turn to pay and she told me the amount the gentleman showed me his phone that had a price for the formula cheaper by more than $6 each at another store and said " you can show them this and they will give it to you for the cheaper price. I remember how hard it was to pay for it when my kids were little" I thanked him but said I needed to pay full price for it. He looked at me funny and the lady behind me said " no its okay they do it here all the time so you should get it cheaper" I said its was okay that I needed to pay full price. The woman ringing my order through said " you want extra points right for your points card and the more you spend the more points you get right?!" I said no I just need to pay full price and please don't put it in bags. They all looked at me like I was crazy. I said I was just donating them to the food bank so its fine, no big deal. I was trying to just deflect and get out I didn't want to tell them the truth to be honest its not an easy thing to explain the real reason to people, the problem was when they heard it was going to the food bank they all praised me for such a great thing I was doing and it just went off the rails with these strangers thinking what a great sacrificial thing I was doing. I felt God telling me to tell the truth of what I did so I could confess that I stole from their store and true restitution could happen....OUCH......
" Okay so 24 years ago I was a messed up 17 year old mom who did lots of things I am not proud of especially stealing baby formula from this store. I needed to make it right with the store to be right with God so that's why I need to pay full price and leave it in the Salvation Army food bank box because of all the things they helped me with and so perhaps another young mom can get help and so I can restore what I stole and make it good for someone else. " I started to walk away with the formula , I wanted to get out as quick as I can but the lady behind me yelled out "you just made my day! Thank you for showing me people are good after all"
I had to turn around... " God is good, He told me to, He restores" and I placed the formula in the box.
I want you to know that when Jesus forgives us we are forgiven without the need to do any "works " to receive that forgiveness. I also want you to know that God asks different people to do different things on their journey because He is a God of plan and purpose and detail and needs to work things out in each of us differently. This story was not shared with you to tell you to do what I did. I wanted to share it with you in case there was something God was asking you to do as a part of your own personal restoration process. It probably isn't literally repaying what you stole but perhaps its playing a part in the restoration of a relationship that's broken, making the first move to say sorry even at the risk that they wont receive it well. Sometimes we need to ask God what our "formula" is that we need to work on replacing in order to grow on this leg of the journey.
In my previous blog I wrote about God restoring the relationship I had with my past, my hometown where alot of my mess was lived out- He truly is a miracle working God! Once again this evening He drew me back to "the well" with an opportunity to speak to a group of youth at YFC Youth UNlimited a Christian drop in center for teens where I grew up. It was incredible to share with the group about what it was like to grow up in their town which was now a city and to be able to come back and now give back to the community by preaching and teaching about how Awesome God is and how Jesus can save any life no matter how messed up. When I was near the end of my "talk" I felt God tell me to "declare it out loud!" I knew exactly what he was talking about because HE had been nudging me for YEARS to restore another part of my journey and I just kept putting it off or making excuses to do it another time. " Declare it out loud!!!!!" ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I said in my mind and this proceeded out of my mouth , " I was a thief and would go to the mall and into the Loblaws store and steal baby formula, but today after this I am going to buy some and donated it to the Salvation army ." There i said it. I left the building to drive to the store but realized it wasn't where it used to be.........maybe its a sign....NO its not.....I drove back through town to find it and parked in the parking lot and took a breath. I needed God to take me back to the time that I remembered stealing it. I needed Him to remind me how broken my life was and how so much of how I lived was simply out of what I needed no matter what the cost. Oh I definitely justified stealing the baby formula because we would "run out of money" or the S.A food bank would not have any free stuff left and my baby needed to eat, but the truth was if I had simply made better choices or managed my money better there would be no need to steal anything. My pride would also not allow me to ask family or friends for help. The bottom line is I was a thief, plain and simple, I took something that didn't belong to me and used my brokenness to justify it.
I realized that I had just spoke to a great group of teens about a God who makes us new and restores brokenness and for years I thought it meant my internal brokenness, I was a new person in Christ therefore the past is gone and didn't matter anymore. My sin was placed at the foot of the cross BUT it didn't mean that part of restoration and restitution was not my responsibility too. Over the years I said we didn't have enough money to do it its almost $30 a can you know! Or I would say God hasn't given me a word about that lol! Or I do ALOT of stuff for people in need so ive done my part! Or I have asked for forgiveness in broken relationships so I have done my part in restoration in my life! How foolish was I to ignore the God who knows my inner most being so well that he also knows what MY journey needed to be restored and healed. He had a "formula" for my restoration that included restoring that which was stolen from ME BUT also for me to restore what I too had stolen.
I went into the store that was much bigger than it ever was and noticed right away in the front lobby a large red bin that said Salvation Army Food bank and one of the top items needed was BABY FORMULA.........I hear you God I HEAR you...
I continued to walk until I found the baby section and looked for the brand I used to use/steal. I tried to remember how many times I stole it but couldn't so I picked up two of each kind just to be sure. I carried it in my arms until I got to a check out where a nice gentleman in from of me got me a buggy to put it in. When it was my turn to pay and she told me the amount the gentleman showed me his phone that had a price for the formula cheaper by more than $6 each at another store and said " you can show them this and they will give it to you for the cheaper price. I remember how hard it was to pay for it when my kids were little" I thanked him but said I needed to pay full price for it. He looked at me funny and the lady behind me said " no its okay they do it here all the time so you should get it cheaper" I said its was okay that I needed to pay full price. The woman ringing my order through said " you want extra points right for your points card and the more you spend the more points you get right?!" I said no I just need to pay full price and please don't put it in bags. They all looked at me like I was crazy. I said I was just donating them to the food bank so its fine, no big deal. I was trying to just deflect and get out I didn't want to tell them the truth to be honest its not an easy thing to explain the real reason to people, the problem was when they heard it was going to the food bank they all praised me for such a great thing I was doing and it just went off the rails with these strangers thinking what a great sacrificial thing I was doing. I felt God telling me to tell the truth of what I did so I could confess that I stole from their store and true restitution could happen....OUCH......
" Okay so 24 years ago I was a messed up 17 year old mom who did lots of things I am not proud of especially stealing baby formula from this store. I needed to make it right with the store to be right with God so that's why I need to pay full price and leave it in the Salvation Army food bank box because of all the things they helped me with and so perhaps another young mom can get help and so I can restore what I stole and make it good for someone else. " I started to walk away with the formula , I wanted to get out as quick as I can but the lady behind me yelled out "you just made my day! Thank you for showing me people are good after all"
I had to turn around... " God is good, He told me to, He restores" and I placed the formula in the box.
I want you to know that when Jesus forgives us we are forgiven without the need to do any "works " to receive that forgiveness. I also want you to know that God asks different people to do different things on their journey because He is a God of plan and purpose and detail and needs to work things out in each of us differently. This story was not shared with you to tell you to do what I did. I wanted to share it with you in case there was something God was asking you to do as a part of your own personal restoration process. It probably isn't literally repaying what you stole but perhaps its playing a part in the restoration of a relationship that's broken, making the first move to say sorry even at the risk that they wont receive it well. Sometimes we need to ask God what our "formula" is that we need to work on replacing in order to grow on this leg of the journey.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Woman at the well
In February I Was asked to speak at the TrueCity Conference in Hamilton and was very excited to do just that until I heard I had 7 minutes max to speak. Anyone that knows me knows this is a task that seems impossible as introducing myself can sometimes run a good 8 or 10 but I believed it was something God required of me as I was asked to share a part of my journey to Jesus, stories I believe we are all required to share. Stuff that good should never be kept to ourselves. SO I did it. I think I stretched it to 10, maybe 12 minutes but so did the other people asked to speak so I didn't feel so bad. Afterwards I was approached by a few people about speaking at other events, writing a book etc but there was one gentleman who approached me with an offer I could not refuse.
He complimented me on my speaking ability and story-telling and wondered if I did this as a profession ( please remember this in a few months when I will be blogging how God used this to propel me into the next stage of my journey) I said I don't do it as a profession but love to share all of what God has done for me in the hopes of encouraging others to not give up on this sometimes difficult journey we call life. He said he was a part of new movement just getting started in his hometown similar to TrueCity where churches will be gathering to work together for the good of the city and although they had their "line-up" of speakers chosen he would like to put my name forth as a speaker for the event. I agreed and he handed me his card........I almost lost my breath. This man was from a group of churches in Milton, MILTON........this is where I grew up , this is where my story began this is where much of what I just spoke about happened. When I speak I don't share where I am from to be honest because A little part of me still carried some shame about the person I was and things I did while I lived there. I often wondered if God would ever require of me to go back, I no longer had to wonder.
Last night I attended that conference. As I drove to Milton I was more nervous than I had ever been for a speaking event. I felt ill and began having serious neck pain and I contemplated cancelling but instead I asked people to pray and I turned on my Bethel CD and listened to "You make me brave" over and over again. As I drove into the driveway of my parents home ( they live behind where the conference was happening) I was struck by how crazy this whole thing was. Here I was in the driveway of my parents house in the Town I messed up ,oopps I mean grew up in about to talk about the love of Jesus Christ right across the street. I thought about all that God had redeemed in my life, especially the relationship I have with my parents whom I love. I sat in the van for a minute before I walked in trying not to look nervous especially because I wonder how nervous it must be for my parents to know I am speaking about my mess across the street where they still live. Of course they were great, supportive as always, Mum making sure i knew to stop by after before I went home for a cup of tea. I gave them a hug and they sent me off with encouragement and I imagine a bit of wonder about what their nervous, excited child who likes to talk would reveal to their town.
As I walked into the space that is now a Christian school but used to be our town library I couldn't believe how surreal it felt. I loved coming to that library. My mum would ride bikes with me and take me to story time in the corner with the big cushions, I would take out the same book week after week called Harry the Dirty Dog ( I loved that book so much I bought a copy to have in the house now) we would rent film reels from the basement and dad would set up a "theatre" on the living room wall so we could watch The Three Stooges, Woody Woodpecker, and they would have puppet shows in the big auditorium there and when I signed in I couldn't wait to step back into the space where I would sit as a child and giggle watching the puppets. I stepped into the big auditorium that didn't look so big now and it took me back, it even smelled the same which I know sounds crazy but it did. As I walked up the stairs to the church space I realized the last time I was there was when I was finishing my assignment to graduate high school with my classmates when Fiona was one year old and the church is where the reference library was and the card catalogs.....I needed to take a breath, so much was being revealed to me by God in that space I couldn't even wrap my head around what He was doing and then I looked up....
The worship band is playing in front of a backdrop, a photograph taken of a piece of old downtown Milton and I thought I was going to throw up,seriously I had to go back down the stairs and catch my breath. I started crying, ugly uncontrollable crying. One of the organizers there who just happens to volunteer at the mission now-yes crazy- saw me and asked if I was ok. I was ok I was just so freaked out by God in a great way I just couldn't sit still. Another woman prayed for me and after I collected myself, or tried to , I headed back up the stairs to praise and worship God. As I was being introduced to speak for my 15 minute speaking time that I already knew that was not going to happen, there was something going on in that space that was so much bigger than any of us I told God to just go ahead and do it, take it God the floor is yours. I stood up and immediately asked who picked that photograph for the backdrop. A man raised his hand. They had another one planned but the image was grainy and distorted that they had to quickly take a picture somewhere just to have something behind the stage so he took that one as he "randomly" drove through town. I started to tell my story as I often do at the moment when I brought Fiona home from the hospital when I was 17 years old. To what we called home but was an illegal apartment with no windows, only a skylight. I turned around with tears in my eyes and pointed to the very building I was talking about that was now the backdrop for Gods story of His love and redemption in my life! As I write these words I am still blown away by how on purpose God is in everything, how He truly goes before us in everything and I remembered that moment of bringing that little baby into all the chaos of that building and crying out to a God I didn't believe existed and I realized in that moment that even 23 years ago when I didn't believe in Him He was there with me, with His path for me already laid out , His arms around me telling me it would be ok because He already knew that I would one day be standing at the conference in Milton with the backdrop of my past behind me speaking about the Cross that saved me that goes before me.
Truly I am the woman at the well. I left so much of my mess in that town, found Jesus and was now back to tell everyone about Him. As I headed out the door the song playing on the speakers was , yes, Bethel You make me brave, I am not kidding! I went back to Mum and Dads house a little later than I expected, probably because I took 30 minutes to speak instead of 15, Dad was sleeping and Mum had tea waiting and I couldn't wait to tell her about what God revealed to me about my journey. I gave a her a big hug and told her how much I loved her and that God is always with us.
If you are in a place right now that has no "windows" where you cant see beyond your mess mistakes or chaos, hang on, God is with you whether you believe it or not, trust me when I tell you, He is waiting for you to come to Him,rest in Him and HE will create in you something new with all the stuff about you that you think is worthless. Where ever you are at now, even if you cant see any path ahead, I promise you He has one for you, go to Him, He will never leave you nor forsake you. He will make you Brave .
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Oh how I wish you could see...
Oh how I wish you could see......
Oh how I wish you could see from her eyes the way she looks at you, the way every move you make mesmerizes her, the way you cannot enter into her space without her knowing as she feels your presence without you ever touching her.
Oh how I wish you could see the trust she has in you not because you are perfect but because you are perfectly hers.
Oh how I wish you could see how even in the moments of your frustration she knows still she is safe in your arms as she cries out in her frustration too.
Oh how I wish you could see that the very essence of who she is trusts you in the midst of chaos and moves with you through the exhaustion of the day.
Oh how I wish you could see how much patience you truly have even though you feel you have none.
Oh how I wish you could see the connection she has with you, an unspoken sense of understanding that she developed as she grew inside you.
Oh how I wish you could see how brave you are every day looking after this fragile life while a numbness from the life you lost still hangs in the air.
Oh how I wish you could see how glorious it is for me to see you with her, watching life unfold for her the way I wish it could have unfolded for you.
Oh how I wish you could see what an incredible mother you are.
Oh how I wish you could see that the love she has for you is never ending, never failing and everlasting.
Oh how I wish you could see......
God I pray for each mother in the world who is tired, frustrated, numb, confused and exhausted. God wrap them in your arms and remind them that you long to be the place they fall to find rest. In Jesus name, Amen.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
A letter to the faithful
Dear faithful volunteers of Helping Hands Street Mission,
This is national volunteer week and I felt like I needed to express somethings to you as we head into our 12th season of ministry. First of all there are no words to describe how greatful I am for all of your time and love that you put into the mission, especially those of you who have been here since the beginning. I cant imagine the level of frustration some of you must have felt many times over these years. You got hooked up with a ministry that had no idea what that word even meant back then with a leader who wasn't in the position they were in because they were qualified to lead. You watched me fumble through my faith, my family, the mission and the people. You were privy to moments of breakdown, excitement, joy and discouragement ( sometimes all in one day). You came on board because of your love for God and His people and I think even the excitement of a small "grassroots" ministry that just went where the Lord led them. To say that you have been led by a fearless leader would be a lie most times I was terrified, knowing more than any of you that it made no sense for me to be in the position I was placed in except because of the grace of God. We had no idea where God would lead us and many times we thought it was God but clearly it was not, so we took more grace and continued on the best we could. Many things have changed over these 12 years, including me, and although I am not where I need to be thank God I am not where I used to be. The mission has changed too, some great decisions have been made and some really bad ones and my hope is that we have all learned from those.
I want to thank-you for your grace, patience and love. Many of you have been our biggest cheerleaders and encouragers and that truly has been a gift to me. I know you have all done work that might have seemed to go unnoticed and I know you have not received the recognition that you deserve for all you do. I am sorry for that. Through the years as the mission has grown I have tried my best but know that absolutely it still, for some, may not have been enough. I know its hard to "stick it out" in a space where things sometimes change from day to day or week to week as building a ministry is hard. We have a God who is in charge but has this crazy way of letting people step out in faith, make mistakes, fall, fumble and get back up again so He can turn us around to the place He wanted us to go in the first place. He could make it all run smoothly but then we all would certainly be left out of the equation. I know I would be for sure.
In 2003 I just wanted to tell people how much Jesus loved them and I was qualified to do that. All the rest of this "Executive Director" stuff is not something my "graduated high school" portfolio was qualified for. I want to thank-you for "sticking with it" even when perhaps your faith in me wasn't always there. Thank-you for being a people whose faith in God was so much bigger. Thank-you for continuing to do the work you felt God calling you to do in spite of not receiving proper acknowledgment from me. Thank-you for loving our friends at the mission more than your idea of a perfect leader. Thank-you for your endless time away from your families to serve in many situations that were not "ideal" or fun to be in. Thank-you for letting us know when things were great more than the times they were not. Thanks for telling people great things about the mission even and especially when things weren't so good. Thanks for encouraging others to come along for the ride even though the ride was bumpy sometimes. Thanks for being people of integrity and coming to me with your frustrations, even the ones about me. Thanks for choosing to be "builders" of the kingdom not "destroyers".
It takes a special kind of person to join a team of a small"grassroots" mission because it is inevitable that change will come and mistakes will be made. Policies will be written and re-written. Disappointments will happen. People will leave. More mistakes will be made..........made to make room for our awesome God to step in and right our wrongs and help us try to make sense of this Beautiful mess of the kingdom of God.
Thanks to all our "newbies" who have recently come along in our journey, I am always excited to see who God is bringing onto the team for this new season-how exciting!
Thank-you for the leap of faith you have all decided to take with us! It still wont be perfect but if you hang on I promise it will be worth it.
Blessings and love, Your not so fearless and far from perfect, founder and Executive Director
Helen
This is national volunteer week and I felt like I needed to express somethings to you as we head into our 12th season of ministry. First of all there are no words to describe how greatful I am for all of your time and love that you put into the mission, especially those of you who have been here since the beginning. I cant imagine the level of frustration some of you must have felt many times over these years. You got hooked up with a ministry that had no idea what that word even meant back then with a leader who wasn't in the position they were in because they were qualified to lead. You watched me fumble through my faith, my family, the mission and the people. You were privy to moments of breakdown, excitement, joy and discouragement ( sometimes all in one day). You came on board because of your love for God and His people and I think even the excitement of a small "grassroots" ministry that just went where the Lord led them. To say that you have been led by a fearless leader would be a lie most times I was terrified, knowing more than any of you that it made no sense for me to be in the position I was placed in except because of the grace of God. We had no idea where God would lead us and many times we thought it was God but clearly it was not, so we took more grace and continued on the best we could. Many things have changed over these 12 years, including me, and although I am not where I need to be thank God I am not where I used to be. The mission has changed too, some great decisions have been made and some really bad ones and my hope is that we have all learned from those.
I want to thank-you for your grace, patience and love. Many of you have been our biggest cheerleaders and encouragers and that truly has been a gift to me. I know you have all done work that might have seemed to go unnoticed and I know you have not received the recognition that you deserve for all you do. I am sorry for that. Through the years as the mission has grown I have tried my best but know that absolutely it still, for some, may not have been enough. I know its hard to "stick it out" in a space where things sometimes change from day to day or week to week as building a ministry is hard. We have a God who is in charge but has this crazy way of letting people step out in faith, make mistakes, fall, fumble and get back up again so He can turn us around to the place He wanted us to go in the first place. He could make it all run smoothly but then we all would certainly be left out of the equation. I know I would be for sure.
In 2003 I just wanted to tell people how much Jesus loved them and I was qualified to do that. All the rest of this "Executive Director" stuff is not something my "graduated high school" portfolio was qualified for. I want to thank-you for "sticking with it" even when perhaps your faith in me wasn't always there. Thank-you for being a people whose faith in God was so much bigger. Thank-you for continuing to do the work you felt God calling you to do in spite of not receiving proper acknowledgment from me. Thank-you for loving our friends at the mission more than your idea of a perfect leader. Thank-you for your endless time away from your families to serve in many situations that were not "ideal" or fun to be in. Thank-you for letting us know when things were great more than the times they were not. Thanks for telling people great things about the mission even and especially when things weren't so good. Thanks for encouraging others to come along for the ride even though the ride was bumpy sometimes. Thanks for being people of integrity and coming to me with your frustrations, even the ones about me. Thanks for choosing to be "builders" of the kingdom not "destroyers".
It takes a special kind of person to join a team of a small"grassroots" mission because it is inevitable that change will come and mistakes will be made. Policies will be written and re-written. Disappointments will happen. People will leave. More mistakes will be made..........made to make room for our awesome God to step in and right our wrongs and help us try to make sense of this Beautiful mess of the kingdom of God.
Thanks to all our "newbies" who have recently come along in our journey, I am always excited to see who God is bringing onto the team for this new season-how exciting!
Thank-you for the leap of faith you have all decided to take with us! It still wont be perfect but if you hang on I promise it will be worth it.
Blessings and love, Your not so fearless and far from perfect, founder and Executive Director
Helen
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Being forced to be thankful
The last few years have been pretty difficult, perhaps only magnified by the fact that life seemed to be going pretty good for a while without any major bumps in the road.
I have prayed "Your will be done" many times in my life, pre-Jesus when I said it every morning in Catholic school and post -Jesus when it was what I should say because I was a believer.
Its a pretty bold statement to make, especially to the God of the whole freaking universe but it never occurred to me how bold until my journey brought me to many points in the last few years where the idea of uttering those words seemed to get scarier by the moment. I have been placed in circumstances where that statement of prayer meant so much more than how loosely it fell from my lips many times before. I can honestly say I never really meant "your will be done" what I really meant was "your will be done as long as you don't effect the people, places and things in my life that are important to me" I had come to a point in my journey where I was stepping in to the "religiosity" of my relationship with God, willing to simple provide lip service but not laying everything at his feet. I guess you can get away with that for a while, maybe your whole life I suppose, but when God takes you THROUGH the things in life that shatter you the enormity of your prayers to Him become very real.
I think sometimes when God takes us through something pretty big we figure our turn must be over. Perhaps we think its a test, maybe I don't know, something we pass or fail and then God moves onto the next person in these series of exams in life that we study scripture for in the hopes that when the circumstances present themselves we have enough skill to make a passing grade. We can feel a certain sense of victory in getting through something, a strange sense of pride, a sense that WE were strong enough, with Gods help of course, but nevertheless we made it, our turn was over, time to pray for the next guy......and God definitely let "your will be done" in their life...again the phrase falling so easily from our lips, especially for someones else s life.
When my dad was in ICU a few years back I figured that was my exam that I passed with flying colors! I mean I was in deep spiritual warfare in the hospital room for weeks, quoting scripture, rebuking the enemy,meditating over and over again on scripture and praying over my earthly father for his life to be spared, for good to win over evil for the enemy to know that Jesus is more powerful and for my dad to have another chance to come to know Jesus before his last breath. I was on fire for God! Of course I was, I wanted something more desperately than anything else at that moment I wanted my dads salvation......his life was spared, God gave us a miracle and dad is alive. Praise the Lord, glad that was over, thank-you Jesus....onto the next person who needed to pass their exam. Exhausting, draining but I made it through.....with a relationship with my earthly father that is so much richer than I could have ever imagined before......"your will be done Lord"
Following this exam came a series of exams at the mission that sent me to the point of exhaustion almost every week. Spiritual attacks from every angle, some from within the mission organization and some from outside all that came through the door seeming harmless yet potent enough to cause me to wonder about if my presence there was the problem, I even contemplated quiting, it was a crazy time. It took a while but it was a major process that revealed many things to me about the discernment and wisdom I thought I had and questioned my spiritual warrior skills that I seemed to have in abundance a few months before fighting for my dads salvation. I learned that there are people who can hate you for trying to follow the path God laid out for you, I learned to eventually find a place to grieve in my heart for their anger and to take what I learned about myself in the process to be a better leader as painful as the process was........"your will be done Lord"
I can never find the words to describe the next event to its proper magnitude except to say that if you have ever felt completely lost , hopeless, abandoned and dark you know what I am talking about. When our granddaughter Brooklyn died i felt all of these things and more, not just for myself but for our daughter and son-in-law. I felt betrayed by God and completely detached from the world feeling useless to provide any sense of hope to my little girl and to make any sense out of what happened. I was not willing to accept this as one of the "exams" of life .....this was just unjust, unfair and wrong.....how could we possibly find joy after this.....this cannot be "your will Lord" I cannot love you if it is.
After Brooklyn s celebration of life I noticed my husband seemed to be getting sicker by the day, although he had suffered with crohns disease since childhood he had been relatively okay throughout our marriage and if not strong medications seemed to do the trick...not anymore. As doctors tried their best to figure it out leaving us with different medication attempts, possibilities of Lymphoma and sometimes no answers I began to wonder what it was that i had done to need this kind of "testing" from God. My husband lost his job and then due to his illness was not able to work and surgery would eventually be the answer with difficult recovery ahead... Clearly I had my fair share , I began to hate happiness and joy in the lives of other people, it became more and more difficult to do my job to speak at woman's groups and at retreats to declare the goodness of God for peoples lives and convince them that God is good all the time...I cancelled a few speaking engagements due to a darkness that seemed to come over me.........What was happening?!?!?! I wanted to believe the words in scripture that I was reading, I wanted to really say "your will be done Lord" but I couldn't, I was afraid of what that would mean next for me, for our family.... oh how I wanted to have the courage of Rahab clinging to the promise in her scarlet-colored rope in her window.
A friend invited me out for tea.
I didn't want tea.
She said she needed someone to talk to.
I knew she was lying.
She confessed that she thought it would be good for me too.
I went with a heaviness that felt like a journey of 10 miles to the coffee shop just behind our house.
I ordered a green tea.
I finally confessed to her that I secretly hated green tea.
She asked why I drank it.
I said its supposed to be good for me.
It tasted extra bitter that night.
We talked for a few hours in the that coffee shop, mostly me expressing my frustration although I didn't need to the heaviness I carried was enough for everyone in that coffee shop.
She told me I should start a "thank-you" journal.
I almost left.
She said " sometimes we need to force ourselves to be thankful in the middle of the darkness"
I hated her suggestion.
I went home.
On some blank pages in the middle of an old three-ring notebook I wrote the date, and three things I was thankful for
1. my friendship with her
2.my family
3.Jesus saved my life
I have kept up with this journal and another one about daily inspirations that she also sent me and everyday, through all of these "exams" that seem to pile up I commit to being thankful. As i look back in the journals it reveals to me a reminder of the "exams" I have passed and those I have failed but always a reminder that there is a God who through all of it never leaves me even in times it seems like he has and reminds me of the overflow of abundance he provides like the birth of our second granddaughter Aubrey a week ago, a beautiful reminder of what joy and hope look like.
Being purposeful in reading the Word of God and being thankful has been like a lifeline to me.The enemy likes nothing more than to cloud your vision with darkness just enough so that you have trouble seeing the glimmers of light that still shine.
Last night my husband had a difficult night since his recovery at home with his ileostomy and at 4am it exploded and he was covered in feces and the bed was too. As I washed the sheets and blankets,ran a shower for my husband and cleaned up the carpet where he walked I realized I HAD to be thankful for something in my journal the next day....
It wasn't very hard.
1.Washing machine and dryer in my house
2. water hot and cold
3.prayers answered (because I knew somewhere in this "exam" would be a valuable lesson)
" Your will be done" is something I am trying to say with more and more faith.....Until then I am glad for a friend who forced me to be thankful no matter what and the Word of God that speaks Truth and light in the darkness.
I have prayed "Your will be done" many times in my life, pre-Jesus when I said it every morning in Catholic school and post -Jesus when it was what I should say because I was a believer.
Its a pretty bold statement to make, especially to the God of the whole freaking universe but it never occurred to me how bold until my journey brought me to many points in the last few years where the idea of uttering those words seemed to get scarier by the moment. I have been placed in circumstances where that statement of prayer meant so much more than how loosely it fell from my lips many times before. I can honestly say I never really meant "your will be done" what I really meant was "your will be done as long as you don't effect the people, places and things in my life that are important to me" I had come to a point in my journey where I was stepping in to the "religiosity" of my relationship with God, willing to simple provide lip service but not laying everything at his feet. I guess you can get away with that for a while, maybe your whole life I suppose, but when God takes you THROUGH the things in life that shatter you the enormity of your prayers to Him become very real.
I think sometimes when God takes us through something pretty big we figure our turn must be over. Perhaps we think its a test, maybe I don't know, something we pass or fail and then God moves onto the next person in these series of exams in life that we study scripture for in the hopes that when the circumstances present themselves we have enough skill to make a passing grade. We can feel a certain sense of victory in getting through something, a strange sense of pride, a sense that WE were strong enough, with Gods help of course, but nevertheless we made it, our turn was over, time to pray for the next guy......and God definitely let "your will be done" in their life...again the phrase falling so easily from our lips, especially for someones else s life.
When my dad was in ICU a few years back I figured that was my exam that I passed with flying colors! I mean I was in deep spiritual warfare in the hospital room for weeks, quoting scripture, rebuking the enemy,meditating over and over again on scripture and praying over my earthly father for his life to be spared, for good to win over evil for the enemy to know that Jesus is more powerful and for my dad to have another chance to come to know Jesus before his last breath. I was on fire for God! Of course I was, I wanted something more desperately than anything else at that moment I wanted my dads salvation......his life was spared, God gave us a miracle and dad is alive. Praise the Lord, glad that was over, thank-you Jesus....onto the next person who needed to pass their exam. Exhausting, draining but I made it through.....with a relationship with my earthly father that is so much richer than I could have ever imagined before......"your will be done Lord"
Following this exam came a series of exams at the mission that sent me to the point of exhaustion almost every week. Spiritual attacks from every angle, some from within the mission organization and some from outside all that came through the door seeming harmless yet potent enough to cause me to wonder about if my presence there was the problem, I even contemplated quiting, it was a crazy time. It took a while but it was a major process that revealed many things to me about the discernment and wisdom I thought I had and questioned my spiritual warrior skills that I seemed to have in abundance a few months before fighting for my dads salvation. I learned that there are people who can hate you for trying to follow the path God laid out for you, I learned to eventually find a place to grieve in my heart for their anger and to take what I learned about myself in the process to be a better leader as painful as the process was........"your will be done Lord"
I can never find the words to describe the next event to its proper magnitude except to say that if you have ever felt completely lost , hopeless, abandoned and dark you know what I am talking about. When our granddaughter Brooklyn died i felt all of these things and more, not just for myself but for our daughter and son-in-law. I felt betrayed by God and completely detached from the world feeling useless to provide any sense of hope to my little girl and to make any sense out of what happened. I was not willing to accept this as one of the "exams" of life .....this was just unjust, unfair and wrong.....how could we possibly find joy after this.....this cannot be "your will Lord" I cannot love you if it is.
After Brooklyn s celebration of life I noticed my husband seemed to be getting sicker by the day, although he had suffered with crohns disease since childhood he had been relatively okay throughout our marriage and if not strong medications seemed to do the trick...not anymore. As doctors tried their best to figure it out leaving us with different medication attempts, possibilities of Lymphoma and sometimes no answers I began to wonder what it was that i had done to need this kind of "testing" from God. My husband lost his job and then due to his illness was not able to work and surgery would eventually be the answer with difficult recovery ahead... Clearly I had my fair share , I began to hate happiness and joy in the lives of other people, it became more and more difficult to do my job to speak at woman's groups and at retreats to declare the goodness of God for peoples lives and convince them that God is good all the time...I cancelled a few speaking engagements due to a darkness that seemed to come over me.........What was happening?!?!?! I wanted to believe the words in scripture that I was reading, I wanted to really say "your will be done Lord" but I couldn't, I was afraid of what that would mean next for me, for our family.... oh how I wanted to have the courage of Rahab clinging to the promise in her scarlet-colored rope in her window.
A friend invited me out for tea.
I didn't want tea.
She said she needed someone to talk to.
I knew she was lying.
She confessed that she thought it would be good for me too.
I went with a heaviness that felt like a journey of 10 miles to the coffee shop just behind our house.
I ordered a green tea.
I finally confessed to her that I secretly hated green tea.
She asked why I drank it.
I said its supposed to be good for me.
It tasted extra bitter that night.
We talked for a few hours in the that coffee shop, mostly me expressing my frustration although I didn't need to the heaviness I carried was enough for everyone in that coffee shop.
She told me I should start a "thank-you" journal.
I almost left.
She said " sometimes we need to force ourselves to be thankful in the middle of the darkness"
I hated her suggestion.
I went home.
On some blank pages in the middle of an old three-ring notebook I wrote the date, and three things I was thankful for
1. my friendship with her
2.my family
3.Jesus saved my life
I have kept up with this journal and another one about daily inspirations that she also sent me and everyday, through all of these "exams" that seem to pile up I commit to being thankful. As i look back in the journals it reveals to me a reminder of the "exams" I have passed and those I have failed but always a reminder that there is a God who through all of it never leaves me even in times it seems like he has and reminds me of the overflow of abundance he provides like the birth of our second granddaughter Aubrey a week ago, a beautiful reminder of what joy and hope look like.
Being purposeful in reading the Word of God and being thankful has been like a lifeline to me.The enemy likes nothing more than to cloud your vision with darkness just enough so that you have trouble seeing the glimmers of light that still shine.
Last night my husband had a difficult night since his recovery at home with his ileostomy and at 4am it exploded and he was covered in feces and the bed was too. As I washed the sheets and blankets,ran a shower for my husband and cleaned up the carpet where he walked I realized I HAD to be thankful for something in my journal the next day....
It wasn't very hard.
1.Washing machine and dryer in my house
2. water hot and cold
3.prayers answered (because I knew somewhere in this "exam" would be a valuable lesson)
" Your will be done" is something I am trying to say with more and more faith.....Until then I am glad for a friend who forced me to be thankful no matter what and the Word of God that speaks Truth and light in the darkness.
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