It was our first Christmas in the apartment above the record store.It was a great place, all new appliances two bedrooms and windows all around! The woman across the hall who didn't have much herself took the time to write Fiona and I a card and she knit a scarf for us. I remember how quickly she introduced herself to me when we moved in a few months ago and she tried to teach me how to knit. The hall wasn't very wide so we often heard what was going on in each others apartments, we could look out for each other, I was so glad it was just Fiona and I so for the first time i didn't fear the neighbors hearing what was going on. Our landlord and his wife brought over a bottle of wine and chocolates to thank us for being great tenants and for the first time in my life I really was. It made me feel so proud that I was finally on the right path. They often commented on how cute Fiona was when they would visit to check on us, always wondering why I never called to ask to fix anything or complain, hey had no idea that there was so much freedom in that apartment I never noticed anything else. Besides we never used the dishwasher,not enough dishes to fill it and the fridge never worked hard enough to break it was usually half empty. But this was going to be the best Christmas ever, just Fiona and me.
Peaceful.
Calm.
Hopeful.
Our little tree, given to us by my Mum and Dad filled out living room and the toys from the Salvation Army Free Christmas store covered the floor. The lights downtown shone through our window and I would watch from the window ledge inside and see all the people shopping from store to store, excited, angry , hurried, joyful and trying to get through the season. I never wanted to season to end. Tasting peace makes you hungry for more and you take a slow deep breath of it and try not to release it until you have let it take over your whole being. The snow falling. The lights. The hope and the peace that I prayed to that God that I didn't know and asked the God I didn't believe in to make it last forever.
I prayed that the bitterness and depression that was so deep in my soul would not find its way back when Christmas was done.
At least for now I could pretend everything was going to be okay eventually. If not for me but for Fiona, she was already so smart even at two years old. She never complained about anything either, already aware that I couldn't handle it. The doorbell rang and Fiona answered it. The guys from the record shop brought up a card for us and asked if everything was okay and wanted to let me know that they would be closed for a few days over Christmas so that's why we wouldn't hear the music playing downstairs. I loved that music, it never annoyed me it reminded me of life that I didn't have to open my door to let in. We had a card for them too signed by Fiona. They of course loved it.
The phone rang and it was my childhood friends mother on the phone asking what Fiona and I really love to eat and what treats we loved. I told her a few things but stopped out of embarrassment that she was going to buy something for us. I was embarrassed that she somehow knew we didn't have the money to buy that kind of stuff, We had the box from the food bank that had lots of food in it, most of it we didn't like but we were grateful just the same. We often re-donated the stuff we didn't eat back to the food bank, some of it wasn't written in a language I understood or was expired already or just really tasted bad. I felt guilty sometimes for not eating it all but it really did taste bad. When you rely on other people to help you in a time of need you are VERY aware of peoples opinions about "people like you" even if they don't say it to your face. I knew people thought I should be grateful for the free food and just eat it whether or not I liked it.I knew I was one of those "beggars who cant be choosers" I knew that more than any person who ever said it to me. The beggar always does, why do we think we need to tell them? She hung up the phone. I felt sick to my stomach like I didn't have the right to ask for good things even though she asked me. I was conditioned to not expect good things because of where my life was at right now. I was a beggar who didn't have the right to choose.
I put Fiona to bed and sat in the quiet of our place looking out the window again. It was marvelous. I would eat all that awful food everyday if I thought this peace could last forever, and if there was just a small amount of the good stuff for Fiona. The doorbell rang again. I answered it but no one was there i saw the door close at the bottom of the stairs from the hall. I looked down and there it was. The most glorious basket of delicious food i had ever seen! I couldn't move it without things falling off of it. I took things in my arms and carried them into the kitchen and went back over and over again until I could carry that basket without spilling it. There was real cheese and brand name crackers! Real fresh fruit and fancy nuts some plain some covered in chocolate! Real milk and brand name cereal! The fancy cookies with sprinkles on them you get in a tin! Fresh buns and lunch meat fresh from a deli! Fancy pickles, boxes of chocolates, mayonnaise and tuna with fresh bread! Fancy soups that you don't add water too, those little oranges that have no seeds! Brand name shampoo and conditioner FULL SIZED and fancy soap and bubble bath for Fiona! A small roast with enough veggies for salad and potatoes with everything to make gravy! I was so overwhelmed as I looked at it and as I filled my fridge i looked in the food bank box that I didn't need to put in the fridge because nothing in it was real food and it occurred to me in that moment that someone thought this beggar COULD be a chooser. They went to the store and picked out the things they would buy for their family and even included extra surprises that we didn't NEED but were such a treat and my heart melted. I couldn't wait to show Fiona in the morning and even snuck some of the goodies myself that night. I couldnt wait to watch her sit on our couch and place her little fingers inside that smarties box that was shaped like a Christmas tree and enjoy every chocolaty moment.
My life did not immediately change after that amazing gift, not for a long time but it is a day I will never forget. I am reminded of that day when donating to a food bank or mission. I am reminded of it when someone is in need and I have the choice to offer my leftovers or something I would never chose to eat or wear myself or whether I understand the God I know now who saved my life on that cross so that I may have and enjoy life to the fullest, if i really understand His gift to me is more precious than anything money can buy. I am called to be like Him to follow his example. Every gift I give should be measured with how much it costs me, I should feel the weight of it because every gift should be seen as precious because every life is precious. Every life, every beggar, all of us....He sent His son to die for all of us beggars who don't deserve His gift but He lets us choose it anyway.
This Christmas please remember that we are all beggars who cant be choosers. Bless those who are in need and make it costly and precious to you. It will scream the gospel message even if you simple ring the bell and walk away. Merry Christmas everyone!
Friday, December 5, 2014
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Asking the hard question...
SO often over the years I have spoken to people about the mission and the one thing that has always been difficult for me is asking for financial support. Part of the reason has been because I don't want to bother people, I am afraid of the response and because I worried that relying on asking human beings might make it seem like I don't believe that Gods got it covered. It may sound silly but its the truth.
We are entering a season where people will be receiving ALOT of letters in the mail, commercials on T.V and phone calls too asking for them to help out for the Christmas season and I was truly afraid to be another one of those annoyances. I was planning a letter to send out on behalf of the mission to our supporters and feeling sick to my stomach about doing it. I don't want it to be about the money........until it hit me last night during my time of prayer........It actually is about the money.
Ouch.
11 years ago I was at a cross roads in my life. Severe depression had set in , layers of unforgiveness, guilt, fear and confusion. Not too many years before that I was living on welfare with my daughter, using food vouchers at the grocery store and celebrating Christmas with the help of organizations like HHSM. I understood that I was miserable in my poverty because I never had enough money to make me happy. When I ended up with a house in suburbia, a car, credit cards, food from the grocery store and the ability to go on trips I couldn't figure out why the money wasn't making me happier, in fact wondered why I was more depressed than ever before. Until I was introduced to Jesus Christ I didn't understand that the world was telling me a lie. Stuff could never make me happier and the darkness I felt could never be wiped away with money or things but only with making Jesus Christ my Lord and saviour. When the mission was born soon after that it was out of a sense that I wanted to let more people know about this Jesus who saved my life and even though we brought blankets to hand out too because the goal was to tell the people who wouldn't be invited to the church, people on the street it was never about the stuff. Even though the mission has now grown from the outreach 11 years ago to the free store and program center it still isn't about he stuff. People need tangible things to help make it through sometimes to the next day BUT without the love of Jesus Christ the point is entirely lost.
I believe in relationship building and really finding out the needs of people in order to help others LIVE and not just exist in the world, something alot of us do rich and poor, just exist surviving from one day to the next, one client to the next, one business deal to the next, one vacation to the next, one house to the next.
I believe the mission does a really great job, not perfect but a great job at loving our friends in the beautiful mess of life. We have seen lives changed not because of the free stuff but because Jesus is who he says he is. We have out grown our space due to the amount of people coming to the program center and being resourced from other agencies to the store. Our partnerships with other services in the city and having them come to our CHIPP ( Community Health Illness Prevention Program) has caused a ground well of activity and made huge differences with our friends finding the resources that suit their personal needs and start them on a road to success. That success may be a job, recovery from addiction and sometimes its just to successfully get out of the house that day to come and be with people and enjoy a cup of coffee.
I know we cant continue to freely open the doors to whomever stops by with asking for financial help. I know I cannot keep telling amazing stories of lives changed and connections made and community built without asking for the hardest thing to ask for....MONEY. I know the dream and very close possibility to a building to help accommodate our friends cannot become even a larger conversation without the help of donors. I know the exciting conversations I have about Helping Hands Street Mission cannot continue without the realization of meeting a growing budget due to increase in rent, increased supplies and the need for more infrastructure.
I still believe in a God who starts something and sees it through. I still believe the most important thing we can do is tell people about the saving power of Jesus Christ. I also know that by saying that I have already lost some of you, but that's okay, the mission exists only because of that truth.
The mission is in a place where it is in need of financial help and that is just a fact. I know it comes at a time when everyone is asking and i Know there are lots of places your money can go that are worthy causes. I guess what I am asking is that if over the years you have been touched by the stories of our friends at the mission and how hard our team of volunteers work we are asking for your help and yes we are asking for money. Ouch.
That's hard for me to say but the reality is with all the wonderful things that have happened over the last 11 years we have needed money to do it and we would like to do more of it. Please take the time to prayerfully consider a financial donation to the mission and I want to thank all those who faithfully support us on a monthly basis through direct deposit, credit card or though choosing us as a designation at work when your work decided to match it and to those who quietly place a cheque in the mail or cash in an envelope and pass it along down on Barton st. Thank-you for helping us these last 11 years.
God is stretching me to do what is difficult and I have been here before and it doesn't get any easier. I still believe in a God whose "got it covered" but i know he uses all of us because His plans are to connect us in helping to create a piece of "on earth as it is in heaven" together.
I never knew where God was going to take my heart when we went out that first night to give out a blanket and talk about Jesus and I don't know where He plans to take us next ( although I do have some dreams) but I am grateful everyday for a God who can take a broken, messed up girl and use her to make a small difference in the lives of those He loves. I am grateful that He sees no life as forever lost one but an opportunity to grow community in going to find them.
From the depths of my heart I thank-you .
If you want to know more about Helping Hands Street Mission please go to :
www.hhsmhamilton.com
We are entering a season where people will be receiving ALOT of letters in the mail, commercials on T.V and phone calls too asking for them to help out for the Christmas season and I was truly afraid to be another one of those annoyances. I was planning a letter to send out on behalf of the mission to our supporters and feeling sick to my stomach about doing it. I don't want it to be about the money........until it hit me last night during my time of prayer........It actually is about the money.
Ouch.
11 years ago I was at a cross roads in my life. Severe depression had set in , layers of unforgiveness, guilt, fear and confusion. Not too many years before that I was living on welfare with my daughter, using food vouchers at the grocery store and celebrating Christmas with the help of organizations like HHSM. I understood that I was miserable in my poverty because I never had enough money to make me happy. When I ended up with a house in suburbia, a car, credit cards, food from the grocery store and the ability to go on trips I couldn't figure out why the money wasn't making me happier, in fact wondered why I was more depressed than ever before. Until I was introduced to Jesus Christ I didn't understand that the world was telling me a lie. Stuff could never make me happier and the darkness I felt could never be wiped away with money or things but only with making Jesus Christ my Lord and saviour. When the mission was born soon after that it was out of a sense that I wanted to let more people know about this Jesus who saved my life and even though we brought blankets to hand out too because the goal was to tell the people who wouldn't be invited to the church, people on the street it was never about the stuff. Even though the mission has now grown from the outreach 11 years ago to the free store and program center it still isn't about he stuff. People need tangible things to help make it through sometimes to the next day BUT without the love of Jesus Christ the point is entirely lost.
I believe in relationship building and really finding out the needs of people in order to help others LIVE and not just exist in the world, something alot of us do rich and poor, just exist surviving from one day to the next, one client to the next, one business deal to the next, one vacation to the next, one house to the next.
I believe the mission does a really great job, not perfect but a great job at loving our friends in the beautiful mess of life. We have seen lives changed not because of the free stuff but because Jesus is who he says he is. We have out grown our space due to the amount of people coming to the program center and being resourced from other agencies to the store. Our partnerships with other services in the city and having them come to our CHIPP ( Community Health Illness Prevention Program) has caused a ground well of activity and made huge differences with our friends finding the resources that suit their personal needs and start them on a road to success. That success may be a job, recovery from addiction and sometimes its just to successfully get out of the house that day to come and be with people and enjoy a cup of coffee.
I know we cant continue to freely open the doors to whomever stops by with asking for financial help. I know I cannot keep telling amazing stories of lives changed and connections made and community built without asking for the hardest thing to ask for....MONEY. I know the dream and very close possibility to a building to help accommodate our friends cannot become even a larger conversation without the help of donors. I know the exciting conversations I have about Helping Hands Street Mission cannot continue without the realization of meeting a growing budget due to increase in rent, increased supplies and the need for more infrastructure.
I still believe in a God who starts something and sees it through. I still believe the most important thing we can do is tell people about the saving power of Jesus Christ. I also know that by saying that I have already lost some of you, but that's okay, the mission exists only because of that truth.
The mission is in a place where it is in need of financial help and that is just a fact. I know it comes at a time when everyone is asking and i Know there are lots of places your money can go that are worthy causes. I guess what I am asking is that if over the years you have been touched by the stories of our friends at the mission and how hard our team of volunteers work we are asking for your help and yes we are asking for money. Ouch.
That's hard for me to say but the reality is with all the wonderful things that have happened over the last 11 years we have needed money to do it and we would like to do more of it. Please take the time to prayerfully consider a financial donation to the mission and I want to thank all those who faithfully support us on a monthly basis through direct deposit, credit card or though choosing us as a designation at work when your work decided to match it and to those who quietly place a cheque in the mail or cash in an envelope and pass it along down on Barton st. Thank-you for helping us these last 11 years.
God is stretching me to do what is difficult and I have been here before and it doesn't get any easier. I still believe in a God whose "got it covered" but i know he uses all of us because His plans are to connect us in helping to create a piece of "on earth as it is in heaven" together.
I never knew where God was going to take my heart when we went out that first night to give out a blanket and talk about Jesus and I don't know where He plans to take us next ( although I do have some dreams) but I am grateful everyday for a God who can take a broken, messed up girl and use her to make a small difference in the lives of those He loves. I am grateful that He sees no life as forever lost one but an opportunity to grow community in going to find them.
From the depths of my heart I thank-you .
If you want to know more about Helping Hands Street Mission please go to :
www.hhsmhamilton.com
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Fake it till you make it
To say I was nervous was completely understated.
I was more like terrified.
Seriously .
Like full on throw up what am I doing here terrified.
My mum would say "sometimes you just need to fake it till you make it" and right at that moment I was totally living in the middle of that advice.
I had all my notes that I had prepared for months, all my paperclips keeping my bible pages separate and the best clothes I could muster out of my closet. I set up the computer with my fancy PowerPoint ready to go and looked out at the empty seats that were about to be filled by mothers and daughters eager to hear something wonderful from the main speaker at the retreat they paid money to be at. This was day one and would totally determine the flow of the whole weekend and also determine whether or not some might sleep in the next two days to avoid listening to the speaker.
I thought about the irony that I was the speaker at one of these events. I certainly wasn't the greatest daughter in the world in fact I am sure most of my mothers sleepless nights with me were not in my infancy but rather from the ages of 14-29. Then when the pendulum is moved to my mothering skills to say the very least they were lacking and came from a place of trying to repair rather than laying foundations. These thoughts certainly didn't escape my mind in fact they consumed it as I drove with my daughter up north.
The enemy really had me in a place where he could do some serious damage and he worked overtime for those few hours that Friday afternoon. Quietly whispering in my mind. Going over and over again the times when I failed in both the mother of the year and daughter of the year categories.Listing all the things that I was not qualified to do by the worlds standards.
Now before I receive emails quoting scripture about being new in Christ I was way ahead of you on that. In fact the irony was that I was teaching on this very topic, God our potter, the work of his hands, new in Christ. I had read those scriptures over and over again for months......its amazing how the enemy can still get in though isn't it.
As they started to flood in I began to shake and prayed silently to God for comfort and wisdom and to stop me from telling bad jokes. The 20 minutes went by pretty fast and I laid the ground work for the weekend, including reminding them that I was NOT an expert on Mother/daughter relationships and they left the building. I would have to wait for feedback tomorrow, if I was ever going to get some. I went back to my room and looked at my cell phone. My husband who was at home feeling very sick ( some more guilt for the weekend) sent me a text that said, " Praying for your day.Remember if the Lord put it on your heart speak it. It is all about Him not what people think. Love you princess very proud of you xo." Exactly what I needed and was something confirmed by my friend who was there for the weekend who said " your not here to make friends but you are here to teach Gods word". When the enemy is all you hear you need to have back up in the army of faith to help you fight and with those two words of confirmation I had victory!
The rest of that weekend was amazing! Not only did the next three sessions of speaking start with no thought to throwing up but were met with amazing conversations with other mothers about similar feelings with their daughters. I laughed with them and their girls and enjoyed amazing moments with my daughter too. God gave me moments to speak into the lives of woman who were feeling some of the very things i was and gave me His wisdom to share.One of the greatest compliments I received that weekend was from a wonderful 12 year old girl who said " Helen your funny and I like the way you talk. You don't use those big words so I can understand what you are saying. I like that. Thank you" It took my breath away. God knows what message we need to hear when we struggle. I always wonder if people will take me seriously when I teach because I don't use or understand big theological words. I simply give the message as God gives it to me in the hopes that others will hear it too because the simplicity of the Word is what saved my life. My gift is not how intelligent I am, how much scripture I have memorized or what letters I have after my name. My gift is speaking. Speaking the simplicity of the Word of God in the hopes that EVERYONE will understand because I believe that's exactly how Jesus did it and asks us to share it.
Before this weekend I had never done a retreat weekend as a main speaker.I have told my testimony alot and talked alot about the mission but never before was I given this opportunity I was so grateful for it so I could keep going on this journey with God and taking the next step in what He has prepared for me. My calling isn't in what many people think it is . For the last 12 years God has placed me in places and spaces to learn in a way I could have never learned in school but God is a God of seasons. I know it would make many people comfortable to have me remain where I am doing what they think I should do but God has plans for me that are bigger than even I can see.
"Fake it till you make it" might really be true when God is apart of the process. To the world my entire resume and background leads not to the the place I am in now , only God can do that.In fact for the purposes of the job I was doing that weekend my resume made me look like a fake. Only God can put you in the spaces and places that make no sense to anyone else. Only he can take someone with a background like mine, an education that the world says "doesn't qualify" and experiences with people who the world sees as "less than them" and put me on a journey like this.
Never allow what the world says stop you from doing what God has called you to do. He will equip you and qualify you in a way the world never could.
I was more like terrified.
Seriously .
Like full on throw up what am I doing here terrified.
My mum would say "sometimes you just need to fake it till you make it" and right at that moment I was totally living in the middle of that advice.
I had all my notes that I had prepared for months, all my paperclips keeping my bible pages separate and the best clothes I could muster out of my closet. I set up the computer with my fancy PowerPoint ready to go and looked out at the empty seats that were about to be filled by mothers and daughters eager to hear something wonderful from the main speaker at the retreat they paid money to be at. This was day one and would totally determine the flow of the whole weekend and also determine whether or not some might sleep in the next two days to avoid listening to the speaker.
I thought about the irony that I was the speaker at one of these events. I certainly wasn't the greatest daughter in the world in fact I am sure most of my mothers sleepless nights with me were not in my infancy but rather from the ages of 14-29. Then when the pendulum is moved to my mothering skills to say the very least they were lacking and came from a place of trying to repair rather than laying foundations. These thoughts certainly didn't escape my mind in fact they consumed it as I drove with my daughter up north.
The enemy really had me in a place where he could do some serious damage and he worked overtime for those few hours that Friday afternoon. Quietly whispering in my mind. Going over and over again the times when I failed in both the mother of the year and daughter of the year categories.Listing all the things that I was not qualified to do by the worlds standards.
Now before I receive emails quoting scripture about being new in Christ I was way ahead of you on that. In fact the irony was that I was teaching on this very topic, God our potter, the work of his hands, new in Christ. I had read those scriptures over and over again for months......its amazing how the enemy can still get in though isn't it.
As they started to flood in I began to shake and prayed silently to God for comfort and wisdom and to stop me from telling bad jokes. The 20 minutes went by pretty fast and I laid the ground work for the weekend, including reminding them that I was NOT an expert on Mother/daughter relationships and they left the building. I would have to wait for feedback tomorrow, if I was ever going to get some. I went back to my room and looked at my cell phone. My husband who was at home feeling very sick ( some more guilt for the weekend) sent me a text that said, " Praying for your day.Remember if the Lord put it on your heart speak it. It is all about Him not what people think. Love you princess very proud of you xo." Exactly what I needed and was something confirmed by my friend who was there for the weekend who said " your not here to make friends but you are here to teach Gods word". When the enemy is all you hear you need to have back up in the army of faith to help you fight and with those two words of confirmation I had victory!
The rest of that weekend was amazing! Not only did the next three sessions of speaking start with no thought to throwing up but were met with amazing conversations with other mothers about similar feelings with their daughters. I laughed with them and their girls and enjoyed amazing moments with my daughter too. God gave me moments to speak into the lives of woman who were feeling some of the very things i was and gave me His wisdom to share.One of the greatest compliments I received that weekend was from a wonderful 12 year old girl who said " Helen your funny and I like the way you talk. You don't use those big words so I can understand what you are saying. I like that. Thank you" It took my breath away. God knows what message we need to hear when we struggle. I always wonder if people will take me seriously when I teach because I don't use or understand big theological words. I simply give the message as God gives it to me in the hopes that others will hear it too because the simplicity of the Word is what saved my life. My gift is not how intelligent I am, how much scripture I have memorized or what letters I have after my name. My gift is speaking. Speaking the simplicity of the Word of God in the hopes that EVERYONE will understand because I believe that's exactly how Jesus did it and asks us to share it.
Before this weekend I had never done a retreat weekend as a main speaker.I have told my testimony alot and talked alot about the mission but never before was I given this opportunity I was so grateful for it so I could keep going on this journey with God and taking the next step in what He has prepared for me. My calling isn't in what many people think it is . For the last 12 years God has placed me in places and spaces to learn in a way I could have never learned in school but God is a God of seasons. I know it would make many people comfortable to have me remain where I am doing what they think I should do but God has plans for me that are bigger than even I can see.
"Fake it till you make it" might really be true when God is apart of the process. To the world my entire resume and background leads not to the the place I am in now , only God can do that.In fact for the purposes of the job I was doing that weekend my resume made me look like a fake. Only God can put you in the spaces and places that make no sense to anyone else. Only he can take someone with a background like mine, an education that the world says "doesn't qualify" and experiences with people who the world sees as "less than them" and put me on a journey like this.
Never allow what the world says stop you from doing what God has called you to do. He will equip you and qualify you in a way the world never could.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Santa, Condoms and other "sins" of ministry
Being in Christian ministry over the last 11 years has been an interesting journey. I remember reading all the great books on the topic when i first started wanting to soak in all the knowledge of those who had gone before me. I remember listening intently to preachers and teachers who talked about the subject and longing to meet the list of criteria for outreach to the poor and evangelising to the "marginalized". I was so on fire for Jesus and wanted to be so careful to not disappoint him, but in secret I was truly afraid of this new community of people who seemed to really know what God wanted and were eager to give me guidelines on the best way to "draw people to the Lord" "reach out to the poor". I realized pretty quickly that although some of the advice I heard and read about worked but alot of it didn't. I soon realized that some of the "advise" was merely a way of separating myself from the community I used to be apart of myself and instead of drawing people to Jesus I was really drawing a line in the sand between us with a silent message of "if you come over hear and do all the right things Jesus can save you" " If you stop doing all those unholy things that God hates then he will love you" I longed for people to meet the Jesus I met a few weeks earlier but that Jesus started to fade away in a lot of rules that I didn't remember hearing the day I welcomed Jesus into my heart. He said "I love you, come follow me" that's it, that's all and I was determined to walk with people and introduce them to my new friend, my savior who didn't wait until I was doing anything right in fact met me right in the middle of all the mess.
Over the years the way I have chosen to reach out to people has come in to question. Here are just a few of my Favorite "sins of ministry";
1. PROBLEM: Not checking I.D and proof of income when people come to our free clothing store. Apparently the problem with this practice is that I am not making sure its only REALLY poor people who come to the ministry-what if someone who can really afford a pair of pants comes in there and takes it?!?! What if we are being taken advantage of?! What if there will be nothing left for those REALLY poor people who we re trying to minister to and tell them about Jesus!?!?!
First of all we aren't giving away free clothing just so those REALLY poor people have a pair of pants to wear, if that's what you think we are doing then I understand your frustration. Its important to provide for the tangible needs of those in poverty BUT if you have never been in a situation yourself of having to go into a food bank or clothing bank it is so much more than a means to an end it is a part of how you measure yourself based on how you are treated when you are there. Its about having to say out loud to one more person " I am poor enough for your free stuff" " I am here again this month because my situation hasn't changed" We wanted people, anyone to come to shop for clothing and choose what they wanted, whenever they needed to, and to be free to have one place in their life where why they were there didn't matter but simply how can we help and what are your ideas for making this resource a benefit to others. Oh and those rich people who come and take even though they can afford it, we love them too and realize that sometimes their needs are much greater than our friends who are lacking in material needs. We hope that everyone who comes asks the same questions though," what is this place and why are you here?" so both can hear about Jesus for the first time, be reintroduced again or share their journey with Jesus with all of us. P.S God knows what we need, so an extra pair of pants leaving isn't going to throw off His game.
2. PROBLEM : Santa. Yes I said it Santa. That evil man in the red suit who steals the joy of Christmas from Jesus......of course I am kidding but you would be surprised how upset Christians get when you tell them that you are offering free pictures with Santa to people at Christmastime at a Christian Ministry! Well we do and we have been doing it every year for the last 5 years in partnership with an amazing Photographer,and one of our friends who owns a red suit and has the belly to fill it. I know this may come as a shock to you but the love of Jesus can still be found there. Its found in the heart of the photographer who quietly donates her time and equipment to spend the day shooting, pays for the prints that go to the individuals and families and even takes the time to personalize a folder for the photo because she believes it should look just as great as the one you pay for at the mall. Its found in the community of people who forget about picture day and then run around letting all their neighbours know the free Santa pictures are today because they want to share with the community,its even in the grumpy old guy who happens to own the red suit because its his way of giving back to the mission every year and feels like he is doing something good. Its in watching people in tears thanking us for something they just cant squeeze into their budget at an already difficult time and ask the familiar question of "why do you guys do this for free? You could take a little bit of money even to help raise funds for this place." Getting to talk to them about a Gods love that is free that doesn't make sense either is a really great conversation. Jesus finds his way even through the evil guy in the red suit.
3: PROBLEM :Condoms.This is not a typo. One of the very first push-backs I got on this was in year one of the store opening up and having an older lady stand outside the doors just watching me, at least I thought thats what she was doing, she was really staring at the bowl of free condoms we have on the desk. After about 10 minutes she stepped into the store and said "are you a Christian?" I said " I try to be" She said "is this a Christian organization?" I said " I think so" She grabbed the bowl and shook it and said " you are not a Christian with this on your desk" and with that she angrily walked away. I was too busy to follow her but that was probably a good thing since it was early in my walk with Jesus and I most likely wouldn't have responded appropriately. Our ministry is located at the corner of Barton and Emerald st in Hamilton. We have a large concentration of woman and some men who are risking their lives in the sex trade. They were there before we put the condoms on the desk, the condoms didn't introduce them to prostitution or entice them to enter it. The condoms are there because we value their life as much as anyone else's and more than that we value the lives of those men who come from outside the city to "purchase" sex and we also value the lives of the wives of these men who are often unsuspecting victims in the choices their husbands make. Some of these men are Christians, broken people, just like the rest of us but certainly not "dirty men from the underbelly of the city" they are coming from the backyards and churches of many who question our distribution of condoms at the mission. I believe part of my job as a believer is to allow God to work in me to show his love and introduce them to Jesus, I would like for there to be time to do that, I would like for my friends to not get so sick with a disease they will die of before we get that chance.
Just this past weekend I was reminded how Jesus can work even through condoms on the desk. Nine years ago I would watch a woman strung out on drugs across the street from the mission sell her self day after day. One day she walked by and saw that we had condoms so she grabbed some and swore at me and left. She kept coming back for condoms and eventually stepped in further to grab a coffee and a cookie and would swear at us and leave. Then eventually she stepped in even further to get a fresh set of clothes and hygiene products and yell at us some more. When we wouldn't stop loving her she started to let us into her life, time went on, she taught us alot , hopefully we did that too and she got herself clean with the help of other Jesus loving people and was Baptized on Sunday into the family of God. She is clean now and doesn't work the streets but she does volunteer with us and part of her ministry is letting her friends from the street know about a place that loves them because Jesus loved them first, and inviting them in with the lure of condoms to protect them physically, coffee and snack to fill their stomachs and a place to get to know this Jesus who loves them right now, where they are in the middle of their mess because that's where he found her.
God created the whole freaking universe. He has worked though imperfection since the day he created the earth and He is more powerful than any of our list of rules and laws of ministry. My God can work through the many "sins of ministry" I will continue to commit for many years to come.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Changing my tires
I believe this is my year to step out again in faith, but my JESUS FREAK is all the way down there......at the bottom and I am on the edge of my cliff looking at it. I still see it I know it is there, I just cant seem to reach it right now. I know I need to. I know I need to STEP OUT STEP UP ...but that's really hard when you feel like life has you on the edge of a cliff.
I have experienced some serious moments with God in my life, these moments that are happiest are the ones I referred best to as JESUS FREAK moments and I think I am absolutely wrong about that now. I blogged about being on fire for God, shouting his praises and being bold for him with your JESUS FREAK but the truth is it is easy to refer to those moments when they surround times of triumph or moments of expectation, clarity. If all of the best moments are JESUS FREAK moments then the conclusion must be that all of the other moments are NOT and if they are not JESUS FREAK moments, moments where I am alive in Christ and telling everyone about it,or anticipating victory in Him, then what then does that make every other moment in my life ? The times that are filled with so many more moments of despair, anguish, loss, set back and confusion? Who do these times belong to? If they do not belong to GOD then the answer must be that these times I have given up to the enemy, I have allowed him to take ownership of a piece of my life, I have surrendered my FREAK to him.....oh how he must rejoice in that......oh how he must rejoice.........even if they are simply moments...oh how he must rejoice...
We never plan on giving any of ourselves to him, we say the right things, we comfort others with the words of God, we pray the prayers that reject the enemies hold in our lives, we live a life that we think is good, we place all the check marks necessary on our "Christian" notepads in life. It was never my plan to give up the victory promised to me by God, no never the plan.....so how did I get here to this moment? Did he sneak in and steal it from under my feet? Was it while I was sleeping? Was it while life was moving and I moved with it in a state of assumption and void of spirit? The truth is I don't think he did any of that, oh how I wish I could blame him.........nothing can be stolen that you don't decide first to give away. I didn't wake up one day and decide to hand over my FREAK to the enemy but I did it just the same. I don't know exactly when, i thought I had triumphed over the worst time of my life this year but maybe that wasn't triumph at all but a moment of hanging on...oh surviving the battle I can do, its the pieces of yourself that get left behind that can create the wound and start the slow release, like the slow release of a tire that you don't even know is there until your tire gets so low you need to pull over and repair it or sometimes replace it altogether.
I had a flat tire once on my car so flat that when I went to drive it made a noise and caused my vehicle to stop going straight but caused me to have to grip the steering wheel alot little harder until I could find a safe place to pull over. I was with my husband that night and he happen to be in the vehicle in front of me so I was able to call him to turn around and help, he knows more about flat tires and vehicles than I do .He looked at it, wondered how I didn't notice it before I got in the car a really great question and the truth is I just got in, I assumed everything was as it was when I drove there....I took it for granted that my tires were the same even though I did nothing to make sure that they were, no maintenance certainly that was a job for my husband to do a responsibility for someone else and no spare-why would I need one I never needed one before. He managed to drive it to a gas station that was very close and put some air in to hopefully get us home and we drove to the garage and got a new tire, it seems this one had a hole, small hole but it had been leaking for sometime.
I realize my faith is exactly like that tire. I have been driving along enjoying the journey, not perfect but all the low moments for me in the last almost 11 years were certainly balanced out with amazing JESUS FREAK moments........moments I think I may have took for granted.....no I am sure I have...I assumed that with each little bump a big triumph would certainly come because that s been the journey for me so far so why not keep doing what I always did....I didn't notice that my faith was getting flat well before I noticed that I was now looking down at my FREAK from the edge of this cliff like it got flat somewhere and fell off and I didn't even notice.I realize I had taken my faith for granted and just assumed Jesus would fill me up on a regular basis, or better yet someone else in my life a pastor a mentor, with no real extra maintenance from me. No thought to re-evaluate my responsibility in the journey to look at where I was at long enough to notice the slow leak. I had been gripping my steering wheel so hard I am exhausted daily and wondering why ....I need to find a safe place to pull over and go to the guy who knows more about FLAT FAITH then anyone.....As I look down today from the edge of that cliff I see who is waiting for me to bring myself down and stop trying to climb up when part of me needs changing. I want to climb back down and reevaluate where I am at and not simply do all the things I have always done. I want to recommit myself to the one who knows the ins and outs of my spirit and to remind me that the journey He has for me is not one of JESUS FREAK moments that I assume I should always have with a few small bumps along the way but sometimes a season of complete disaster that can only be dealt with by changing the tires on my FLAT FAITH.
I want to stop asking for God to raise me up higher when I am only willing to put in the same kind of work that I did to get to the place I am at right now.
I am tired of riding with a slow leak and not taking the time to look....I am going to take back any of the pieces of my life,any of the FREAK that I handed to the enemy and I am going to use it all on this incredible JESUS FREAK journey to rise to the place God is calling me to.
God is calling you to a place that's higher.....go and make the changes necessary to get there....pick up the new tools that you will need to get there and if necessary change your tires.
I have experienced some serious moments with God in my life, these moments that are happiest are the ones I referred best to as JESUS FREAK moments and I think I am absolutely wrong about that now. I blogged about being on fire for God, shouting his praises and being bold for him with your JESUS FREAK but the truth is it is easy to refer to those moments when they surround times of triumph or moments of expectation, clarity. If all of the best moments are JESUS FREAK moments then the conclusion must be that all of the other moments are NOT and if they are not JESUS FREAK moments, moments where I am alive in Christ and telling everyone about it,or anticipating victory in Him, then what then does that make every other moment in my life ? The times that are filled with so many more moments of despair, anguish, loss, set back and confusion? Who do these times belong to? If they do not belong to GOD then the answer must be that these times I have given up to the enemy, I have allowed him to take ownership of a piece of my life, I have surrendered my FREAK to him.....oh how he must rejoice in that......oh how he must rejoice.........even if they are simply moments...oh how he must rejoice...
We never plan on giving any of ourselves to him, we say the right things, we comfort others with the words of God, we pray the prayers that reject the enemies hold in our lives, we live a life that we think is good, we place all the check marks necessary on our "Christian" notepads in life. It was never my plan to give up the victory promised to me by God, no never the plan.....so how did I get here to this moment? Did he sneak in and steal it from under my feet? Was it while I was sleeping? Was it while life was moving and I moved with it in a state of assumption and void of spirit? The truth is I don't think he did any of that, oh how I wish I could blame him.........nothing can be stolen that you don't decide first to give away. I didn't wake up one day and decide to hand over my FREAK to the enemy but I did it just the same. I don't know exactly when, i thought I had triumphed over the worst time of my life this year but maybe that wasn't triumph at all but a moment of hanging on...oh surviving the battle I can do, its the pieces of yourself that get left behind that can create the wound and start the slow release, like the slow release of a tire that you don't even know is there until your tire gets so low you need to pull over and repair it or sometimes replace it altogether.
I had a flat tire once on my car so flat that when I went to drive it made a noise and caused my vehicle to stop going straight but caused me to have to grip the steering wheel alot little harder until I could find a safe place to pull over. I was with my husband that night and he happen to be in the vehicle in front of me so I was able to call him to turn around and help, he knows more about flat tires and vehicles than I do .He looked at it, wondered how I didn't notice it before I got in the car a really great question and the truth is I just got in, I assumed everything was as it was when I drove there....I took it for granted that my tires were the same even though I did nothing to make sure that they were, no maintenance certainly that was a job for my husband to do a responsibility for someone else and no spare-why would I need one I never needed one before. He managed to drive it to a gas station that was very close and put some air in to hopefully get us home and we drove to the garage and got a new tire, it seems this one had a hole, small hole but it had been leaking for sometime.
I realize my faith is exactly like that tire. I have been driving along enjoying the journey, not perfect but all the low moments for me in the last almost 11 years were certainly balanced out with amazing JESUS FREAK moments........moments I think I may have took for granted.....no I am sure I have...I assumed that with each little bump a big triumph would certainly come because that s been the journey for me so far so why not keep doing what I always did....I didn't notice that my faith was getting flat well before I noticed that I was now looking down at my FREAK from the edge of this cliff like it got flat somewhere and fell off and I didn't even notice.I realize I had taken my faith for granted and just assumed Jesus would fill me up on a regular basis, or better yet someone else in my life a pastor a mentor, with no real extra maintenance from me. No thought to re-evaluate my responsibility in the journey to look at where I was at long enough to notice the slow leak. I had been gripping my steering wheel so hard I am exhausted daily and wondering why ....I need to find a safe place to pull over and go to the guy who knows more about FLAT FAITH then anyone.....As I look down today from the edge of that cliff I see who is waiting for me to bring myself down and stop trying to climb up when part of me needs changing. I want to climb back down and reevaluate where I am at and not simply do all the things I have always done. I want to recommit myself to the one who knows the ins and outs of my spirit and to remind me that the journey He has for me is not one of JESUS FREAK moments that I assume I should always have with a few small bumps along the way but sometimes a season of complete disaster that can only be dealt with by changing the tires on my FLAT FAITH.
I want to stop asking for God to raise me up higher when I am only willing to put in the same kind of work that I did to get to the place I am at right now.
I am tired of riding with a slow leak and not taking the time to look....I am going to take back any of the pieces of my life,any of the FREAK that I handed to the enemy and I am going to use it all on this incredible JESUS FREAK journey to rise to the place God is calling me to.
God is calling you to a place that's higher.....go and make the changes necessary to get there....pick up the new tools that you will need to get there and if necessary change your tires.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Is it my time yet?
Just one question..Is it my time yet?
Is everyone else alright?
Do they all have what they need?
Do they have someone to listen?
Is there enough good healthy food for them to eat?
Are they safe from those that harm them?
Are they alive or dead today?
Is there enough money to pay for the things that they need to succeed?
Is there someone who understands when their mind isn't right, is there enough people with grace to help them fight?
Are they doing things that make them happy , no matter what the cost?
Are we making sure they have an outlet whenever they feel lost?
Socializing is important and joining groups are vital, this keeps them from depression, from being idle.
Do we understand when they feel tired?
Do we close our mouths and pray?
Do we understated that grace is needed for each of them everyday?
Did you know there is alot to deal with, layers no one sees?
Is there someone in their life who can handle all thier needs?
Make sure that persons strong,
Make sure they understand.
Make sure they handle everything, so the pressure is relieved,
from the one who needs comfort, grace ,support and certainly relief.
Make sure they have a rock-that unshaking strength underneath
to allow them to move forward
succeed
feel important
comforted
and certainly not overwhelmed.
Make sure this rock is quiet, never to complain
make sure they suck it up or leave if ever to show pain.
Make sure this helper never asks for something for themselves
those things can wait , are they really needed? Is it really for the good of their health?
Lets wait and see if there's money
lets wait to see if there is time
lets wait to see what resources are left, we have someone who needs our time.
Perhaps if you aren't strong enough you should really just shut your mouth, go somewhere we don't want to see this
please go put your emotions on a shelf.
You are here to look after the person who needs support, they need someone strong if you cant handle whats going on than please just simply move on....
Whats that you say your burnt out?
Whats that you say your pained?
Whats that your feeling overwhelmed i am sorry what is your name?
It sounds to me like you are weak ,there is no room for this here.
you best just figure it out my friend
the enemy is drawing near.
Keep looking after all those people who need you in your life,
your friends at work,
your family
and for gods sake your his wife.
Theres no room for complaining you selfish selfish girl
Theres people here that need you
how else will they get by in this world?
We need to make sure they're alright
that they have all that they may need,
someone who can listen and provide for them their needs.
Go do the job you were asked to do , no room here for any grace
keep smiling and pushing it down
we know eventually it will erase.
It will go somewhere for God to find it
that pit He freed you from
When no one else can hear you
He knows what needs to be done.
Silence is your friend
His whispers you will hear
His job is to provide for you everything you need,
He is someone to listen
Someone with grace
your rock..........just hang on dear
He will never burn out
He will never leave
His grace is overflowing so you have more than you need........
to go and help that someone, that someone who is lost
to be their strength
find what they need
no matter what the cost.
Is everyone else alright?
Do they all have what they need?
Do they have someone to listen?
Is there enough good healthy food for them to eat?
Are they safe from those that harm them?
Are they alive or dead today?
Is there enough money to pay for the things that they need to succeed?
Is there someone who understands when their mind isn't right, is there enough people with grace to help them fight?
Are they doing things that make them happy , no matter what the cost?
Are we making sure they have an outlet whenever they feel lost?
Socializing is important and joining groups are vital, this keeps them from depression, from being idle.
Do we understand when they feel tired?
Do we close our mouths and pray?
Do we understated that grace is needed for each of them everyday?
Did you know there is alot to deal with, layers no one sees?
Is there someone in their life who can handle all thier needs?
Make sure that persons strong,
Make sure they understand.
Make sure they handle everything, so the pressure is relieved,
from the one who needs comfort, grace ,support and certainly relief.
Make sure they have a rock-that unshaking strength underneath
to allow them to move forward
succeed
feel important
comforted
and certainly not overwhelmed.
Make sure this rock is quiet, never to complain
make sure they suck it up or leave if ever to show pain.
Make sure this helper never asks for something for themselves
those things can wait , are they really needed? Is it really for the good of their health?
Lets wait and see if there's money
lets wait to see if there is time
lets wait to see what resources are left, we have someone who needs our time.
Perhaps if you aren't strong enough you should really just shut your mouth, go somewhere we don't want to see this
please go put your emotions on a shelf.
You are here to look after the person who needs support, they need someone strong if you cant handle whats going on than please just simply move on....
Whats that you say your burnt out?
Whats that you say your pained?
Whats that your feeling overwhelmed i am sorry what is your name?
It sounds to me like you are weak ,there is no room for this here.
you best just figure it out my friend
the enemy is drawing near.
Keep looking after all those people who need you in your life,
your friends at work,
your family
and for gods sake your his wife.
Theres no room for complaining you selfish selfish girl
Theres people here that need you
how else will they get by in this world?
We need to make sure they're alright
that they have all that they may need,
someone who can listen and provide for them their needs.
Go do the job you were asked to do , no room here for any grace
keep smiling and pushing it down
we know eventually it will erase.
It will go somewhere for God to find it
that pit He freed you from
When no one else can hear you
He knows what needs to be done.
Silence is your friend
His whispers you will hear
His job is to provide for you everything you need,
He is someone to listen
Someone with grace
your rock..........just hang on dear
He will never burn out
He will never leave
His grace is overflowing so you have more than you need........
to go and help that someone, that someone who is lost
to be their strength
find what they need
no matter what the cost.
Monday, June 2, 2014
What is CHURCH?
church
[church] Show IPA
noun
1.
a building for public Christian worship.
2.
public worship of God or a religious service in such a building: to attend church regularly.
Question: "What is the church?"
Answer:Many people today understand the church as a building. This is not a biblical understanding of the church. The word “church” comes from the Greek wordekklesiawhich is defined as “an assembly” or “called-out ones.” The root meaning of “church” is not that of a building, but of people. It is ironic that when you ask people what church they attend, they usually identify a building.Romans 16:5says “… greet the church that is in their house.” Paul refers to the church in their house—not a church building, but a body of believers.
From Got questions .org
Answer:Many people today understand the church as a building. This is not a biblical understanding of the church. The word “church” comes from the Greek wordekklesiawhich is defined as “an assembly” or “called-out ones.” The root meaning of “church” is not that of a building, but of people. It is ironic that when you ask people what church they attend, they usually identify a building.Romans 16:5says “… greet the church that is in their house.” Paul refers to the church in their house—not a church building, but a body of believers.
From Got questions .org
There has been an on-going pattern of discussion for us, my husband and myself, in regards to this word "CHURCH". It has really been made clear to me that alot of people seem to think they have some sort of ownership of this word so much so that they can dictate what CHURCH is for everyone. If you look at the basic definition of the word CHURCH above it is pretty clear that it means a building for public worship, but of course as believers or people of faith we know that our definition should come from the truth of God not simply what the world says so I dug some scripture up about that too, although there was definitely more than that to go on I thought I would include a description that had translations of the Greek words also since some of the push back about what CHURCH REALLY is comes from people who are of course much more educated than myself or my husband( neither one of us ever attending seminary or university of any kind) but what is interesting is that the bible often talks about the CHURCH as being in someones house, not a building designated at all for CHURCH but simply a body of believers gathering together to worship. I am pretty simple I know but even in my simplicity this really does scream to me that the CHURCH is anywhere, maybe where a few people are gathered in His name ( Matthew 18:20), where they worship and praise God.
Let me tell you about my CHURCH, there I said it I have been afraid when I am asked this question by others, "Where do you go to CHURCH?" to even say where I go out of fear of the next questions that start to arise.....
1. What denomination is that?
2. Who is the pastor?
3. DO you have a board of elders?
4. DO you take an offering?
5. How many people attend?
6. Is that OKAY? Did you get wise counsel for that?
7. Who overseas you ? (translation: who is making sure your not making grape Koolaid)
I have never before had to explain these many questions when attending a "corporate " CHURCH you know the one who meets in a building that can hold a nursery program and at least 200 people. One that is lead by people who are much smarter than me and therefore must know more of what God wants for me. I never got asked any of these questions because it fit into today's standard of what the CHURCH looks like. The problem was, God was calling us out of there and our spirits were drowning.drowning. Thais what happens when God is telling you to do something and you don't listen.
We attend a CHURCH called RAW (Real Awesome Worship) at Helping Hands Street Mission
I guess the best way to explain my CHURCH is to answer the questions we get asked by our concerned fellow Christians. Here goes:
1. We don't have a denomination we just try to follow scripture,the teachings of Jesus.
2. My husband is the pastor, sometimes I am , sometimes we have "on-paper" pastors and reverends come in and sometimes our friends at the mission are the pastors depending on the topic but we all learn from each other.
3.We do not have a board of Elders I guess we try the old biblical way of keeping each other accountable.
4.We do not take an offering, the fact is most of our "parishioners" don't have any money left after they pay for rent , utilities and food and some of the others don't get a cheque at all but the funny thing is the amount of giving they actually do , for cookies and coffee supplies etc is well worth MORE than the 10 percent we tried to live up to at CHURCH.
5. Well sometimes there is 2, sometimes there is 12 sometimes there is 22 but some of the best times is when we have 2, those are some really great discussions. I love having the freedom to not worry about the butts in the seats.
6. I think what we are doing is OKAY....I read it somewhere in the bible that it was in fact I thought it was a command to go and make disciples. There was actually a big chunk in a place in the book called ACTS that talked about small groups of people gathering with one another to worship God....that's what we do so I think it is okay. The bottom line is I guess I will wait to see what God says about it one day.
7. We have a community of many people who we have built relationship with over the last 10 years in ministry that we keep in contact with, ask questions to . We are also not thinking up our own stuff here , we try to keep it simple and use the book that God asked us to learn from, the Bible. I don't even like Koolaid and we record every sermon that is preached just in case anyone wants to make sure we are not taking on extra wives, stealing peoples money or any cult like things.
The truth is we gather on a Sunday, listen to worship music, listen to the word of God , ask questions, argue with each other, interrupt, drink coffee, fight over donuts, pick our favorite chairs, get up and leave if we feel like it, run in late,dance our faces off, shout out to God and sometimes our neighbor and try to love the Lord as best we can in a world that can sometimes be really crappy.
Tom and I love our mission family and love that God called us to love them right where they are and wanted to spread the Good News to them in a place that they could call their CHURCH in an environment where all of the above things would be safe to do. Where they could wear the same clothes from last week without changing in between and still feel welcome. Where they could repeat the same song over again just because they love it and it was their choice.Where they could ask for prayer out loud for their disease called AIDS, their child who was working the streets, their friend who was addicted, their mother to speak to them again and for forgiveness for the terrible things they did to their own children. For all the things we would NEVER say out loud to the body of believers in corporate CHURCH. Where they can ask questions and be mad at God right there in the middle of the "program". Where they can invite their dealer in for a coffee to tell them about this place that's a CHURCH but not like a regular one. Music to my ears and most of all to my heart.
CHURCH a place to get your FREAK on ....Your JESUS FREAK on. Where you can gather somewhere and worship God wherever God leads you to go, whatever space makes you feel like home, and with never having to explain what it is to anyone else except to say its your place to meet with God and your fellow believers.
I hope everyone reading this has a place like that, big or small , corporate or not, a place to worship the Lord with YOUR community and have it all spill out into the rest of your life.Lets start embracing the unique communities that God is working in to create a space for people to hear the Good News . Lets stop trying to take ownership of CHURCH and give it back to God.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Its been four months......
I realize it has been four months since my last blog.
I wish I could say it was because nothing really significant has happened during February March April but quite the opposite.
February was challenging with preparation for our annual Gala fundraiser, hiring an operations manager at the mission and our first employee which became much more of a process than I ever anticipated but thankful that I learned some pretty serious things about processes and people. I also learned that I had to stop and take more time to think things through before allowing the seduction of excitement get the best of me. I know my excitement caused pain for someone else-a bitter lesson to learn. All life lessons that I will carry with me always and certainly NEVER forget. Sometimes you think you are side by side with another JESUS FREAK but sometimes it just turns out that they dropped the JESUS and just kept the FREAK.
March was Gala month which always means crazy times of long days, organizing meetings and praying alot for God to come through with all the unknowns and with the process of hiring over we welcomed a wonderful addition to our team at HHSM who made the crazy process totally worth it. When you are on the other side of the storm or above the clouds I guess its much easier to appreciate the sun. It didn't go anywhere, you just couldn't see it until the storm passed.God had his hand on the process all along and so glad for wisdom and calm of leadership within the board of HHSM. I was more of a FREAK in March than a JESUS FREAK but I guess that's my humanity getting the best of me.
My plan was to get back to blogging in April because there was so much excitement ahead. I have never been more excited about anything else in my life...seriously.....I was about to be a Granny!!!! I was planning to Blog everyone to boredom with my daily writings about her, my beautiful granddaughter, the fresh new hope for our family, our wonderful gift from God. Then April came, full of excitement, full of joy, full of hope...............
Our beautiful granddaughter Brooklyn Adelaide was born on April 5th 2014..........7lbs 12 oz , beautiful chubby cheeks, curly dark hair and the cutest nose I have ever seen on any baby. SO beautiful truly more beautiful than any other baby I have ever seen, I dare say even my own.......... I wonder if her beauty came from knowing that she was already in the arms of Jesus. As I write even these words the lump builds up in my throat and it still seems so unbelievable.
Brooklyns mother , my beautiful courageous daughter Fiona has started to write a blog herself that I would love for you to read. She is writing a raw emotional experience that I can never understand and don't ever want to , I cannot imagine having one of my girls die before me. Please follow it at
http://brooklynadelaide.blogspot.ca/2014/05/happy-mothers-day.html
I have a piece of me that wants to write about how I am feeling BUT somehow it feels wrong......
My JESUS FREAK seems to be hiding somewhere deep inside and I am trying to dig it out but sometimes the heaviness just weighs it down. A few days after Brooklyns celebration of life I was weighed down by a scary call back after my first mammogram, they saw something that needed to be checked again. Its funny when you are already feeling despair how your immediate sense of hope in anything else goes right out the window....I was already ok with possibly dying of breast cancer if I had it.....it all seemed too much for our family that i just assumed the worst things would just keep happening. I didn't even share this with my family out of fear that t would be too much for them to handle , even the possibility of bad news seemed too great, I felt responsible to protect them. It turns out there was nothing but I will say that I discovered very quickly in the month of April 2014 that we have no control over any of it.Even things we think only happen to other people really do happen to us too.
Its hard not to become detached or bitter or remain in the place of anger. Its hard not to think "whats the point of it all anyway if goodness just gets robbed by darkness?"
Its hard to watch as your little girl cries out for you to help them in a moment when darkness fills the room with something to thick that you cant even breathe. Its hard to try to find your FREAK again when your little girl looks lost and knowing that a piece of her is missing and you can do NOTHING at all to fix it.
I know my FREAK is still in there.......I just need time to find it......I know I have no choice but to go looking for it otherwise darkness ultimately wins and that's NOT how this JESUS FREAK works.
Please pray for my daughter and her husband Derek and follow her blog, in spite of the tears I know you will find you will be washed by them and leave feeling hopeful again.
I wish I could say it was because nothing really significant has happened during February March April but quite the opposite.
February was challenging with preparation for our annual Gala fundraiser, hiring an operations manager at the mission and our first employee which became much more of a process than I ever anticipated but thankful that I learned some pretty serious things about processes and people. I also learned that I had to stop and take more time to think things through before allowing the seduction of excitement get the best of me. I know my excitement caused pain for someone else-a bitter lesson to learn. All life lessons that I will carry with me always and certainly NEVER forget. Sometimes you think you are side by side with another JESUS FREAK but sometimes it just turns out that they dropped the JESUS and just kept the FREAK.
March was Gala month which always means crazy times of long days, organizing meetings and praying alot for God to come through with all the unknowns and with the process of hiring over we welcomed a wonderful addition to our team at HHSM who made the crazy process totally worth it. When you are on the other side of the storm or above the clouds I guess its much easier to appreciate the sun. It didn't go anywhere, you just couldn't see it until the storm passed.God had his hand on the process all along and so glad for wisdom and calm of leadership within the board of HHSM. I was more of a FREAK in March than a JESUS FREAK but I guess that's my humanity getting the best of me.
My plan was to get back to blogging in April because there was so much excitement ahead. I have never been more excited about anything else in my life...seriously.....I was about to be a Granny!!!! I was planning to Blog everyone to boredom with my daily writings about her, my beautiful granddaughter, the fresh new hope for our family, our wonderful gift from God. Then April came, full of excitement, full of joy, full of hope...............
Our beautiful granddaughter Brooklyn Adelaide was born on April 5th 2014..........7lbs 12 oz , beautiful chubby cheeks, curly dark hair and the cutest nose I have ever seen on any baby. SO beautiful truly more beautiful than any other baby I have ever seen, I dare say even my own.......... I wonder if her beauty came from knowing that she was already in the arms of Jesus. As I write even these words the lump builds up in my throat and it still seems so unbelievable.
Brooklyns mother , my beautiful courageous daughter Fiona has started to write a blog herself that I would love for you to read. She is writing a raw emotional experience that I can never understand and don't ever want to , I cannot imagine having one of my girls die before me. Please follow it at
http://brooklynadelaide.blogspot.ca/2014/05/happy-mothers-day.html
I have a piece of me that wants to write about how I am feeling BUT somehow it feels wrong......
My JESUS FREAK seems to be hiding somewhere deep inside and I am trying to dig it out but sometimes the heaviness just weighs it down. A few days after Brooklyns celebration of life I was weighed down by a scary call back after my first mammogram, they saw something that needed to be checked again. Its funny when you are already feeling despair how your immediate sense of hope in anything else goes right out the window....I was already ok with possibly dying of breast cancer if I had it.....it all seemed too much for our family that i just assumed the worst things would just keep happening. I didn't even share this with my family out of fear that t would be too much for them to handle , even the possibility of bad news seemed too great, I felt responsible to protect them. It turns out there was nothing but I will say that I discovered very quickly in the month of April 2014 that we have no control over any of it.Even things we think only happen to other people really do happen to us too.
Its hard not to become detached or bitter or remain in the place of anger. Its hard not to think "whats the point of it all anyway if goodness just gets robbed by darkness?"
Its hard to watch as your little girl cries out for you to help them in a moment when darkness fills the room with something to thick that you cant even breathe. Its hard to try to find your FREAK again when your little girl looks lost and knowing that a piece of her is missing and you can do NOTHING at all to fix it.
I know my FREAK is still in there.......I just need time to find it......I know I have no choice but to go looking for it otherwise darkness ultimately wins and that's NOT how this JESUS FREAK works.
Please pray for my daughter and her husband Derek and follow her blog, in spite of the tears I know you will find you will be washed by them and leave feeling hopeful again.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Making triumphs out of struggles in 2013
I was looking over my blog posts from the past year and I laughed a little, cringed a little and reflected alot. I knew it was a risk putting my personal thoughts "out there" and it is a huge reminder when you look over the year and read titles like "mature enough to run again" especially when your maturity and excitement fizzled out a month after that post lol! But for me that's life, putting yourself out there even at the risk of failing. I am only better than I used to be because of those failings and that is the absolute truth. I have struggled this past year and triumphed but through all of it been absolutely encouraged by every moment. There has not been any struggle that God has not turned into a triumph and if He hasn't yet He will. He has never let me down before.
As we entered 2013 we had been disappointed by the door closing on Toms hopes for a job with Hamilton Police and I found it difficult especially when I had decided that was what God "wanted " for my husband. Tom had been out of work for 3 years and he had made it right to the very end and I was convinced all of this process was all apart of Gods plan for our family to have a steady paycheck and retirement packages and benefit plans. Something we had never had before. Safety and security through my husbands job. It wasn't meant to be and as I wrestled with my confusion and quite frankly my anger I heard from God through scripture about how he looked after the birds, how storing things up here on earth was not important, and how my security should be in Him alone. Dont you hate when He speaks so loudly through His word so there is no denying your feelings were all about YOU and not Him. When we released our own attachment to it Tom received a call from one of the customer references on his resume for the police force asking if he would be willing to come and talk to them about coming to work for them. They set up a new position for him that would provide him a steady paycheck and leave him with the time he still needed to be at the mission ( something he would not have had with the job with HPS) you see God planned for him to go through the hard work to find out some things about himself that he never realized about leadership and strength. Exactly what he needed to confidently step into a position made just for him and to continue his work leading church at the mission.I couldn't be more proud of my husband. Gods triumphs are always bigger than our struggles.
With our limited resources from 2010-2013 we often wondered how we would pay our bills, especially our enormous bills for Toms medication. Just when we were at our last drip from the tap in the beginning of 2013 we received a call from trillium fund who informed us that we had been eligible all this time for coverage and they would be sending us a cheque to us! The cheque was for over $10,000 and we were able to pay down our bills and breathe again. Gods triumphs are always bigger than our struggles.
I almost lost my dad in 2013. To say it was a struggle to see him day after day for months in ICU is a severe understatement. It was a struggle for him spiritually and physically and it was one of the most difficult things I have ever watched. It was a spiritual battleground for me every day but I wouldn't change any of it which I know doesn't make sense but because of all that pain my dad and I are closer than ever. For many years I struggled to know my father on a deeper level but this crisis brought amazing clarity to me about who he is and more importantly how his life has shaped him into the man he is today. When you almost loose someone none of the layers of crap matter and your able to reveal the real humanity in a person and see yourself there. I learned alot about myself and the things I thought I had let go of and came to a place where I needed to not just let go of but really put to death if I was to ever move forward and become the person I was also meant to be. When you release someone of any guilt they think they should hang onto it is like breathing new life into both of you.I am so grateful for every moment alone with Dad in the hospital when I finally got to know him and myself. Gods triumphs are always bigger than our struggles.
2013 was a year of MANY spiritual attacks both personally and at the mission. I'm not really surprised though because 2013 was also the year I celebrated my 10th anniversary of my birthday with Jesus! Lots of wonderful friends gathered early in the morning to have breakfast and talk about our faith and it was amazing to see so many different people connected by the celebration of new life in Jesus. It was also the 10th anniversary of HHSM which meant we were entering into a new phase in our growth which can always mean new challenges and big growing pains. I was in awe when I looked back at how God had turned a simple act of obedience to Him into what we see now at the mission. I remember thinking 10 years ago that because of this new gift I was given that I wanted everyone to know about Jesus but having no way of knowing how that was going to happen considering the mess my life was in. I am not surprised when the attacks come because I once belonged to death and now I belonged to the promise of life. Someone once told me to be more worried when the attacks don't come because it means your working for the devils team and he will leave you alone to do it. That never become more real to me than this year. Stories of how God has moved in the lives of our friends were a definite theme this year so I guess the enemy was ticked off. I will go into battle any day especially when you see the kinds of miracles we have seen in 2013. Gods triumphs are always bigger then our struggles.
2013 meant I turned 40! I always wondered where I would be or what I would be doing when I turned 40 and I NEVER imagined the life I have now. I often heard woman say they were afraid of 40, of getting older of not being at a certain place they thought they should by now. I was so excited to be here, I really was. I am living a life that I never dreamed was possible for me and it gets better every year, not problem free but so spiritually free. My family and BFF planned a party for me and it was overwhelming. When you look around a room with people in your life at 40 and realize how many wonderful mentors are there and people who you could turn to at a moments notice to help you and be honest with you, there is nothing better than that. I received so many special gifts that day but the favorite gift of 2013 was finding out I am going to be a granny in April! I am soooooooo excited for my daughter and her husband and cant wait to meet her. There is nothing more amazing than a baby bring born into a home that already knows Jesus. My life was once off the rails and now is on a journey I could never dream of. Gods triumphs are always bigger than our struggles.
People want to know what you have planned for the year ahead and I guess there are lists of things I could mention but if memory serves me correctly when I am the one planning it never seems to work out, so i think this year my only resolution will be to try my best at removing more of myself to let more of God in and release more of the JESUS FREAK . I haven't made it through this past year or any other of the last 10 by perfect planning or list following but any success has only been through complete surrender to who I am in Him. Blessings to all of you in 2014 and beyond. I pray you will release your struggles to God so He can show you what triumph looks like.
As we entered 2013 we had been disappointed by the door closing on Toms hopes for a job with Hamilton Police and I found it difficult especially when I had decided that was what God "wanted " for my husband. Tom had been out of work for 3 years and he had made it right to the very end and I was convinced all of this process was all apart of Gods plan for our family to have a steady paycheck and retirement packages and benefit plans. Something we had never had before. Safety and security through my husbands job. It wasn't meant to be and as I wrestled with my confusion and quite frankly my anger I heard from God through scripture about how he looked after the birds, how storing things up here on earth was not important, and how my security should be in Him alone. Dont you hate when He speaks so loudly through His word so there is no denying your feelings were all about YOU and not Him. When we released our own attachment to it Tom received a call from one of the customer references on his resume for the police force asking if he would be willing to come and talk to them about coming to work for them. They set up a new position for him that would provide him a steady paycheck and leave him with the time he still needed to be at the mission ( something he would not have had with the job with HPS) you see God planned for him to go through the hard work to find out some things about himself that he never realized about leadership and strength. Exactly what he needed to confidently step into a position made just for him and to continue his work leading church at the mission.I couldn't be more proud of my husband. Gods triumphs are always bigger than our struggles.
With our limited resources from 2010-2013 we often wondered how we would pay our bills, especially our enormous bills for Toms medication. Just when we were at our last drip from the tap in the beginning of 2013 we received a call from trillium fund who informed us that we had been eligible all this time for coverage and they would be sending us a cheque to us! The cheque was for over $10,000 and we were able to pay down our bills and breathe again. Gods triumphs are always bigger than our struggles.
I almost lost my dad in 2013. To say it was a struggle to see him day after day for months in ICU is a severe understatement. It was a struggle for him spiritually and physically and it was one of the most difficult things I have ever watched. It was a spiritual battleground for me every day but I wouldn't change any of it which I know doesn't make sense but because of all that pain my dad and I are closer than ever. For many years I struggled to know my father on a deeper level but this crisis brought amazing clarity to me about who he is and more importantly how his life has shaped him into the man he is today. When you almost loose someone none of the layers of crap matter and your able to reveal the real humanity in a person and see yourself there. I learned alot about myself and the things I thought I had let go of and came to a place where I needed to not just let go of but really put to death if I was to ever move forward and become the person I was also meant to be. When you release someone of any guilt they think they should hang onto it is like breathing new life into both of you.I am so grateful for every moment alone with Dad in the hospital when I finally got to know him and myself. Gods triumphs are always bigger than our struggles.
2013 was a year of MANY spiritual attacks both personally and at the mission. I'm not really surprised though because 2013 was also the year I celebrated my 10th anniversary of my birthday with Jesus! Lots of wonderful friends gathered early in the morning to have breakfast and talk about our faith and it was amazing to see so many different people connected by the celebration of new life in Jesus. It was also the 10th anniversary of HHSM which meant we were entering into a new phase in our growth which can always mean new challenges and big growing pains. I was in awe when I looked back at how God had turned a simple act of obedience to Him into what we see now at the mission. I remember thinking 10 years ago that because of this new gift I was given that I wanted everyone to know about Jesus but having no way of knowing how that was going to happen considering the mess my life was in. I am not surprised when the attacks come because I once belonged to death and now I belonged to the promise of life. Someone once told me to be more worried when the attacks don't come because it means your working for the devils team and he will leave you alone to do it. That never become more real to me than this year. Stories of how God has moved in the lives of our friends were a definite theme this year so I guess the enemy was ticked off. I will go into battle any day especially when you see the kinds of miracles we have seen in 2013. Gods triumphs are always bigger then our struggles.
2013 meant I turned 40! I always wondered where I would be or what I would be doing when I turned 40 and I NEVER imagined the life I have now. I often heard woman say they were afraid of 40, of getting older of not being at a certain place they thought they should by now. I was so excited to be here, I really was. I am living a life that I never dreamed was possible for me and it gets better every year, not problem free but so spiritually free. My family and BFF planned a party for me and it was overwhelming. When you look around a room with people in your life at 40 and realize how many wonderful mentors are there and people who you could turn to at a moments notice to help you and be honest with you, there is nothing better than that. I received so many special gifts that day but the favorite gift of 2013 was finding out I am going to be a granny in April! I am soooooooo excited for my daughter and her husband and cant wait to meet her. There is nothing more amazing than a baby bring born into a home that already knows Jesus. My life was once off the rails and now is on a journey I could never dream of. Gods triumphs are always bigger than our struggles.
People want to know what you have planned for the year ahead and I guess there are lists of things I could mention but if memory serves me correctly when I am the one planning it never seems to work out, so i think this year my only resolution will be to try my best at removing more of myself to let more of God in and release more of the JESUS FREAK . I haven't made it through this past year or any other of the last 10 by perfect planning or list following but any success has only been through complete surrender to who I am in Him. Blessings to all of you in 2014 and beyond. I pray you will release your struggles to God so He can show you what triumph looks like.
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