He complimented me on my speaking ability and story-telling and wondered if I did this as a profession ( please remember this in a few months when I will be blogging how God used this to propel me into the next stage of my journey) I said I don't do it as a profession but love to share all of what God has done for me in the hopes of encouraging others to not give up on this sometimes difficult journey we call life. He said he was a part of new movement just getting started in his hometown similar to TrueCity where churches will be gathering to work together for the good of the city and although they had their "line-up" of speakers chosen he would like to put my name forth as a speaker for the event. I agreed and he handed me his card........I almost lost my breath. This man was from a group of churches in Milton, MILTON........this is where I grew up , this is where my story began this is where much of what I just spoke about happened. When I speak I don't share where I am from to be honest because A little part of me still carried some shame about the person I was and things I did while I lived there. I often wondered if God would ever require of me to go back, I no longer had to wonder.
Last night I attended that conference. As I drove to Milton I was more nervous than I had ever been for a speaking event. I felt ill and began having serious neck pain and I contemplated cancelling but instead I asked people to pray and I turned on my Bethel CD and listened to "You make me brave" over and over again. As I drove into the driveway of my parents home ( they live behind where the conference was happening) I was struck by how crazy this whole thing was. Here I was in the driveway of my parents house in the Town I messed up ,oopps I mean grew up in about to talk about the love of Jesus Christ right across the street. I thought about all that God had redeemed in my life, especially the relationship I have with my parents whom I love. I sat in the van for a minute before I walked in trying not to look nervous especially because I wonder how nervous it must be for my parents to know I am speaking about my mess across the street where they still live. Of course they were great, supportive as always, Mum making sure i knew to stop by after before I went home for a cup of tea. I gave them a hug and they sent me off with encouragement and I imagine a bit of wonder about what their nervous, excited child who likes to talk would reveal to their town.
As I walked into the space that is now a Christian school but used to be our town library I couldn't believe how surreal it felt. I loved coming to that library. My mum would ride bikes with me and take me to story time in the corner with the big cushions, I would take out the same book week after week called Harry the Dirty Dog ( I loved that book so much I bought a copy to have in the house now) we would rent film reels from the basement and dad would set up a "theatre" on the living room wall so we could watch The Three Stooges, Woody Woodpecker, and they would have puppet shows in the big auditorium there and when I signed in I couldn't wait to step back into the space where I would sit as a child and giggle watching the puppets. I stepped into the big auditorium that didn't look so big now and it took me back, it even smelled the same which I know sounds crazy but it did. As I walked up the stairs to the church space I realized the last time I was there was when I was finishing my assignment to graduate high school with my classmates when Fiona was one year old and the church is where the reference library was and the card catalogs.....I needed to take a breath, so much was being revealed to me by God in that space I couldn't even wrap my head around what He was doing and then I looked up....
The worship band is playing in front of a backdrop, a photograph taken of a piece of old downtown Milton and I thought I was going to throw up,seriously I had to go back down the stairs and catch my breath. I started crying, ugly uncontrollable crying. One of the organizers there who just happens to volunteer at the mission now-yes crazy- saw me and asked if I was ok. I was ok I was just so freaked out by God in a great way I just couldn't sit still. Another woman prayed for me and after I collected myself, or tried to , I headed back up the stairs to praise and worship God. As I was being introduced to speak for my 15 minute speaking time that I already knew that was not going to happen, there was something going on in that space that was so much bigger than any of us I told God to just go ahead and do it, take it God the floor is yours. I stood up and immediately asked who picked that photograph for the backdrop. A man raised his hand. They had another one planned but the image was grainy and distorted that they had to quickly take a picture somewhere just to have something behind the stage so he took that one as he "randomly" drove through town. I started to tell my story as I often do at the moment when I brought Fiona home from the hospital when I was 17 years old. To what we called home but was an illegal apartment with no windows, only a skylight. I turned around with tears in my eyes and pointed to the very building I was talking about that was now the backdrop for Gods story of His love and redemption in my life! As I write these words I am still blown away by how on purpose God is in everything, how He truly goes before us in everything and I remembered that moment of bringing that little baby into all the chaos of that building and crying out to a God I didn't believe existed and I realized in that moment that even 23 years ago when I didn't believe in Him He was there with me, with His path for me already laid out , His arms around me telling me it would be ok because He already knew that I would one day be standing at the conference in Milton with the backdrop of my past behind me speaking about the Cross that saved me that goes before me.
Truly I am the woman at the well. I left so much of my mess in that town, found Jesus and was now back to tell everyone about Him. As I headed out the door the song playing on the speakers was , yes, Bethel You make me brave, I am not kidding! I went back to Mum and Dads house a little later than I expected, probably because I took 30 minutes to speak instead of 15, Dad was sleeping and Mum had tea waiting and I couldn't wait to tell her about what God revealed to me about my journey. I gave a her a big hug and told her how much I loved her and that God is always with us.
If you are in a place right now that has no "windows" where you cant see beyond your mess mistakes or chaos, hang on, God is with you whether you believe it or not, trust me when I tell you, He is waiting for you to come to Him,rest in Him and HE will create in you something new with all the stuff about you that you think is worthless. Where ever you are at now, even if you cant see any path ahead, I promise you He has one for you, go to Him, He will never leave you nor forsake you. He will make you Brave .
