At work today I was visited by two woman that I haven't seen in about 2 years. I was happy to see they were both well-despite the fact that one suffered a heart attack a year ago and the other has suffered the loss of a few family members and friends since I saw her last. In fact they both looked better than the last time i saw them and i was grateful for that-its always nice when it seems like people are on the right track-at least for today. I asked them about a friend they had brought with them the last time they were at the mission 2 years ago and they both looked down at the floor. "You didn't know she died?" they said. " she passed away a year ago in January alone in her apartment but we don't think she did it on purpose but she was sick and sad. Her family didn't want anything to do with her, even her kids. She really was a great person with a big heart but sometimes we get swallowed up in our mess we drown." I took a breath and said " Did she ever tell you how we knew each other?" I asked. "Yes she did Helen but we don't care about that we don't judge anyone, we saw you in the paper last year when it told your story about who you were and how this got started and we are really proud of you and she was too. She didn't read it but she was happy about you helping other people"
I took another breath and stepped into the basement to look for a coat for one of the women and paused in reflection of two young moms in a teen mom program who were trying to make it through to get their high school diploma while someone watched their kids for free. Two young moms who socialized with all the wrong people and who placed their children in situations that were not safe for anyone. Two young moms who believed in better things for other people but who gave up on themselves before anyone else could say they did. Two young moms who didn't know anything about love or the cost of trying to figure it out so young. Whose kids were moved from apartment to apartment because the rent wasn't paid or too much trouble was caused or just the hope that the new place would bring something better.Moms who didn't think twice about partying, drinking or drugs and would have been perfect case files for children s aid. I thought alot about these moms and where their life led them from a similar starting point to a very different end. I thought alot about her and I today. About why she is dead before she turns 40 and I am writing this blog reflecting on my journey with Jesus on my way to turning 40.
When I saw her 2 years ago after 18 years I didn't recognize her until she told me her name and I then recognized her eyes. Her eyes behind a face that told of years of pain and anger. Years that were spent in jail ,fighting to see her kids and fighting to find herself. Years that I very well could have spent instead of her or beside her. I was never in jail but not because I never broke the law. I never had to fight for my kids but not because I never did anything worthy of them being taken, because I certain did. and here I am fighting to find myself on this journey with Jesus but the only difference was being able to fall into Him. The crossroads of my life on Aug 29 2003 was the moment I met Him and my life that was headed in the very direction she was in. In that moment of the cross stabbing me in the heart was the only thing that separated her and I in our journey that lay ahead. God showed me a reflection of myself that day she came into the mission 2 years ago- I didn't see a messed up old friend but I saw me a reflection of where I was also headed, where he rescued me from.
You know what I never told her about Jesus when I saw her that last time in the mission and I regret that now. What if that was her moment to know about Jesus and it was my job to tell her. I have been thinking about this all day since I heard of her passing and I cant shake it. I cant do anything about it now but it has really forced me to think about all the people in my life who I don't share the news of Jesus with. I have been praying that someone else stepped into her life and told her about Him and her salvation in Him and I pray she is being comforted by Him now. Our lives were so parallel for a long time- how do I have the right to live a good life with children who love me enough to still speak to me and have me apart of their lives, free from the system of social welfare, living in house with windows(we both lived in an apartment with no windows once) and working at a place that I love? I have asked God why but I know I wont get an answer. I reflect on this JESUS FREAK journey I am on and realize that in the midst of all of this stuff about me, my responsibility is also to others and I don't want to ever let that moment pass again when \i step out and say I am here because of Jesus and ask if they know him too. I was reminded at church this weekend that I need to see everyone in the image of God. I guess that's like the reflection we are supposed to see in others-where we see ourselves in their faces because there but by the grace of God go I.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
confessions of a spiritual adulteress.........
confession......
I started writing this blog 2 weeks ago and then had to stop and erase and start again I wasn't going to come back to writing it for a while but was stopped after church yesterday by a very stylish but more importantly wonderful woman who encouraged me in my blogging and in fact loved how raw it was-so its her fault \i am back and there was something I was really pissed off about..or at least I was two weeks ago. amazing how time does something to the way we see something. Well time does that but so does God he patiently waits for us to see how He has done something magical in a moment of our life that seems so wrong and God STOMPS on the head of the enemy and shows His awesome power. I don't usually wait for the time it takes to see things differently. This time I am glad I did.
Tom and I have been on a roller coaster of spiritual battleground for the last 6 weeks and sometimes we couldn't even see straight. There is not enough space on this computer to even tell you everything but lets just simplify it this way: MAJOR spiritual battles at mission, looking for advice and finding two very different opinions on what we were going through. Advice #1 we are missionaries in an inner city mission and we will be coming across lots of this so pray pray pray and be aware of bondage that you may be holding on to from the past and pray pray pray. Advice #2 you are having all these attacks because your wife Helen is having a spiritual affair with Jesus and has been out of Gods Will. She should have never opened her families door to Jesus when she asked him in to her heart but stayed quiet until her husband led the family in the relationship with God in their home. The attacks will stop when she stops speaking at churches and conferences and gives up leadership at HHSM and also starts worshiping Jesus through her husband. I will give you time to take all that in..................
I know its alot to take in. Could you imagine how hard it was for me to hear that. When Tom came home with that news lets just say I didn't take it very well. God wasn't really pleased with me. This advice messed with my husband and I for a while as he wrestled with the fact that this person backed it up with scripture and at a very vulnerable time for my husband he was open to being messed with. Let me just qualify this with Tom DOES NOT believe this advice he was only thrown off course for a while. I was pissed for lots of reasons that my previous blog was going to go on and on about but I realized after church on Sunday when our pastor talked about the detours God takes you on I tried to look at this situation differently . Tom and I have been going through more scripture together than we ever have before and really taking the time to study it together-score one for God. The enemy does what ever he can and uses whomever he can to derail you but God takes that derailment and makes it a detour to the original destination HE was sending you on. We have also learned alot about spiritual warfare something people don t talk alot about here but that some of our friends from Africa and Europe are more open to discussing it and we have really benefited from those conversations so much so I want to tell you something incredible that happened that the enemy didn't see coming but God just blew him out of the water with.....
In the middle of these 6 weeks of crazy at our home my mum came for tea, that's not new she has come for tea before but this time was different. My mum and I get along but I think she would agree that most of the time we have had more surface conversations and nothing too deep. I have always felt like there has been an invisible barrier between us-nothing hard or harsh but like a strange fog almost that has kept us from connecting deeper. There could be many reasons for this but for my mum and I it has alot to do with alot of guilt and other garbage that we both carried around with and for each other. there was no doubt we loved each other but it wasn't something easily said by my mum because I know I did not create the space for her to freely say it to me-not her fault. Mine. We sometimes think someone isn't giving us what we need when all along we never gave them environment to even enter in and give it. This tea date turned in to a discussion with my mum about what I had been going through with the spiritual warfare (that's insane)-God opened the door with a situation my mum was telling me about and it was as if God said "share it with her" so I did, I thought she was going to just say "wow that's crazy" but she was taken in by what I was telling her( I kept out the stuff about advice #2 because my mum would have gone through the roof-she would be so ticked in an awesome loving way) I talked about what we learned about spiritual bondage and the things we can carry from generation to generation and I spoke to her about the baggage we could both be carrying. I asked my mum if I could pray for her-YES I DID- it was scary but I did it and I held my mum and prayed for forgiveness and release of guilt and shame and anger and prayed that God would free us both to live in the peace and freedom He planned for us to have-it was incredible and moving and crazy and so GOD! My mum and I hugged after tighter than I have ever remembered and she told me how much she loved me and I to her. I felt like years of baggage fell off and disappeared, i realized in that moment that all the crap the enemy wanted to use for evil God was now turning it around for His goodness and then i had this image of God stepping on the enemies head and squishing it like a watermelon. You see the enemy has tried everything my whole life to stop Gods plan for me, for my mum for our family but WE have the power when we take the detours that God brings us to to go back on track to fulfilling the plans God has for us all along.
I was pissed up to a few days ago and I didnt know how to tell this major part of my journey and I was trying to be careful about how to say it but thanks to the encouraging whispers of a very stylish and wonderful friend at church I just wrote it, raw and real and her encouragement mixed with a message about detour helped make me see a little clearer what was really going on . Listen to the encouraging whispers and our amazing powerful God and know that all the other stuff is just noise. Focus on His plan for your life and when the enemy tries to derail you soak in the word and get closer to those around you. God has already won-remember that. P.S I have no plans for keeping quiet, quitting the mission or stopping my relationship with Jesus in fact I feel like we are getting FREAKIER all the time. ;) Love you Lord love you Tom love you Mum.
I started writing this blog 2 weeks ago and then had to stop and erase and start again I wasn't going to come back to writing it for a while but was stopped after church yesterday by a very stylish but more importantly wonderful woman who encouraged me in my blogging and in fact loved how raw it was-so its her fault \i am back and there was something I was really pissed off about..or at least I was two weeks ago. amazing how time does something to the way we see something. Well time does that but so does God he patiently waits for us to see how He has done something magical in a moment of our life that seems so wrong and God STOMPS on the head of the enemy and shows His awesome power. I don't usually wait for the time it takes to see things differently. This time I am glad I did.
Tom and I have been on a roller coaster of spiritual battleground for the last 6 weeks and sometimes we couldn't even see straight. There is not enough space on this computer to even tell you everything but lets just simplify it this way: MAJOR spiritual battles at mission, looking for advice and finding two very different opinions on what we were going through. Advice #1 we are missionaries in an inner city mission and we will be coming across lots of this so pray pray pray and be aware of bondage that you may be holding on to from the past and pray pray pray. Advice #2 you are having all these attacks because your wife Helen is having a spiritual affair with Jesus and has been out of Gods Will. She should have never opened her families door to Jesus when she asked him in to her heart but stayed quiet until her husband led the family in the relationship with God in their home. The attacks will stop when she stops speaking at churches and conferences and gives up leadership at HHSM and also starts worshiping Jesus through her husband. I will give you time to take all that in..................
I know its alot to take in. Could you imagine how hard it was for me to hear that. When Tom came home with that news lets just say I didn't take it very well. God wasn't really pleased with me. This advice messed with my husband and I for a while as he wrestled with the fact that this person backed it up with scripture and at a very vulnerable time for my husband he was open to being messed with. Let me just qualify this with Tom DOES NOT believe this advice he was only thrown off course for a while. I was pissed for lots of reasons that my previous blog was going to go on and on about but I realized after church on Sunday when our pastor talked about the detours God takes you on I tried to look at this situation differently . Tom and I have been going through more scripture together than we ever have before and really taking the time to study it together-score one for God. The enemy does what ever he can and uses whomever he can to derail you but God takes that derailment and makes it a detour to the original destination HE was sending you on. We have also learned alot about spiritual warfare something people don t talk alot about here but that some of our friends from Africa and Europe are more open to discussing it and we have really benefited from those conversations so much so I want to tell you something incredible that happened that the enemy didn't see coming but God just blew him out of the water with.....
In the middle of these 6 weeks of crazy at our home my mum came for tea, that's not new she has come for tea before but this time was different. My mum and I get along but I think she would agree that most of the time we have had more surface conversations and nothing too deep. I have always felt like there has been an invisible barrier between us-nothing hard or harsh but like a strange fog almost that has kept us from connecting deeper. There could be many reasons for this but for my mum and I it has alot to do with alot of guilt and other garbage that we both carried around with and for each other. there was no doubt we loved each other but it wasn't something easily said by my mum because I know I did not create the space for her to freely say it to me-not her fault. Mine. We sometimes think someone isn't giving us what we need when all along we never gave them environment to even enter in and give it. This tea date turned in to a discussion with my mum about what I had been going through with the spiritual warfare (that's insane)-God opened the door with a situation my mum was telling me about and it was as if God said "share it with her" so I did, I thought she was going to just say "wow that's crazy" but she was taken in by what I was telling her( I kept out the stuff about advice #2 because my mum would have gone through the roof-she would be so ticked in an awesome loving way) I talked about what we learned about spiritual bondage and the things we can carry from generation to generation and I spoke to her about the baggage we could both be carrying. I asked my mum if I could pray for her-YES I DID- it was scary but I did it and I held my mum and prayed for forgiveness and release of guilt and shame and anger and prayed that God would free us both to live in the peace and freedom He planned for us to have-it was incredible and moving and crazy and so GOD! My mum and I hugged after tighter than I have ever remembered and she told me how much she loved me and I to her. I felt like years of baggage fell off and disappeared, i realized in that moment that all the crap the enemy wanted to use for evil God was now turning it around for His goodness and then i had this image of God stepping on the enemies head and squishing it like a watermelon. You see the enemy has tried everything my whole life to stop Gods plan for me, for my mum for our family but WE have the power when we take the detours that God brings us to to go back on track to fulfilling the plans God has for us all along.
I was pissed up to a few days ago and I didnt know how to tell this major part of my journey and I was trying to be careful about how to say it but thanks to the encouraging whispers of a very stylish and wonderful friend at church I just wrote it, raw and real and her encouragement mixed with a message about detour helped make me see a little clearer what was really going on . Listen to the encouraging whispers and our amazing powerful God and know that all the other stuff is just noise. Focus on His plan for your life and when the enemy tries to derail you soak in the word and get closer to those around you. God has already won-remember that. P.S I have no plans for keeping quiet, quitting the mission or stopping my relationship with Jesus in fact I feel like we are getting FREAKIER all the time. ;) Love you Lord love you Tom love you Mum.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)