The last few years have been pretty difficult, perhaps only magnified by the fact that life seemed to be going pretty good for a while without any major bumps in the road.
I have prayed "Your will be done" many times in my life, pre-Jesus when I said it every morning in Catholic school and post -Jesus when it was what I should say because I was a believer.
Its a pretty bold statement to make, especially to the God of the whole freaking universe but it never occurred to me how bold until my journey brought me to many points in the last few years where the idea of uttering those words seemed to get scarier by the moment. I have been placed in circumstances where that statement of prayer meant so much more than how loosely it fell from my lips many times before. I can honestly say I never really meant "your will be done" what I really meant was "your will be done as long as you don't effect the people, places and things in my life that are important to me" I had come to a point in my journey where I was stepping in to the "religiosity" of my relationship with God, willing to simple provide lip service but not laying everything at his feet. I guess you can get away with that for a while, maybe your whole life I suppose, but when God takes you THROUGH the things in life that shatter you the enormity of your prayers to Him become very real.
I think sometimes when God takes us through something pretty big we figure our turn must be over. Perhaps we think its a test, maybe I don't know, something we pass or fail and then God moves onto the next person in these series of exams in life that we study scripture for in the hopes that when the circumstances present themselves we have enough skill to make a passing grade. We can feel a certain sense of victory in getting through something, a strange sense of pride, a sense that WE were strong enough, with Gods help of course, but nevertheless we made it, our turn was over, time to pray for the next guy......and God definitely let "your will be done" in their life...again the phrase falling so easily from our lips, especially for someones else s life.
When my dad was in ICU a few years back I figured that was my exam that I passed with flying colors! I mean I was in deep spiritual warfare in the hospital room for weeks, quoting scripture, rebuking the enemy,meditating over and over again on scripture and praying over my earthly father for his life to be spared, for good to win over evil for the enemy to know that Jesus is more powerful and for my dad to have another chance to come to know Jesus before his last breath. I was on fire for God! Of course I was, I wanted something more desperately than anything else at that moment I wanted my dads salvation......his life was spared, God gave us a miracle and dad is alive. Praise the Lord, glad that was over, thank-you Jesus....onto the next person who needed to pass their exam. Exhausting, draining but I made it through.....with a relationship with my earthly father that is so much richer than I could have ever imagined before......"your will be done Lord"
Following this exam came a series of exams at the mission that sent me to the point of exhaustion almost every week. Spiritual attacks from every angle, some from within the mission organization and some from outside all that came through the door seeming harmless yet potent enough to cause me to wonder about if my presence there was the problem, I even contemplated quiting, it was a crazy time. It took a while but it was a major process that revealed many things to me about the discernment and wisdom I thought I had and questioned my spiritual warrior skills that I seemed to have in abundance a few months before fighting for my dads salvation. I learned that there are people who can hate you for trying to follow the path God laid out for you, I learned to eventually find a place to grieve in my heart for their anger and to take what I learned about myself in the process to be a better leader as painful as the process was........"your will be done Lord"
I can never find the words to describe the next event to its proper magnitude except to say that if you have ever felt completely lost , hopeless, abandoned and dark you know what I am talking about. When our granddaughter Brooklyn died i felt all of these things and more, not just for myself but for our daughter and son-in-law. I felt betrayed by God and completely detached from the world feeling useless to provide any sense of hope to my little girl and to make any sense out of what happened. I was not willing to accept this as one of the "exams" of life .....this was just unjust, unfair and wrong.....how could we possibly find joy after this.....this cannot be "your will Lord" I cannot love you if it is.
After Brooklyn s celebration of life I noticed my husband seemed to be getting sicker by the day, although he had suffered with crohns disease since childhood he had been relatively okay throughout our marriage and if not strong medications seemed to do the trick...not anymore. As doctors tried their best to figure it out leaving us with different medication attempts, possibilities of Lymphoma and sometimes no answers I began to wonder what it was that i had done to need this kind of "testing" from God. My husband lost his job and then due to his illness was not able to work and surgery would eventually be the answer with difficult recovery ahead... Clearly I had my fair share , I began to hate happiness and joy in the lives of other people, it became more and more difficult to do my job to speak at woman's groups and at retreats to declare the goodness of God for peoples lives and convince them that God is good all the time...I cancelled a few speaking engagements due to a darkness that seemed to come over me.........What was happening?!?!?! I wanted to believe the words in scripture that I was reading, I wanted to really say "your will be done Lord" but I couldn't, I was afraid of what that would mean next for me, for our family.... oh how I wanted to have the courage of Rahab clinging to the promise in her scarlet-colored rope in her window.
A friend invited me out for tea.
I didn't want tea.
She said she needed someone to talk to.
I knew she was lying.
She confessed that she thought it would be good for me too.
I went with a heaviness that felt like a journey of 10 miles to the coffee shop just behind our house.
I ordered a green tea.
I finally confessed to her that I secretly hated green tea.
She asked why I drank it.
I said its supposed to be good for me.
It tasted extra bitter that night.
We talked for a few hours in the that coffee shop, mostly me expressing my frustration although I didn't need to the heaviness I carried was enough for everyone in that coffee shop.
She told me I should start a "thank-you" journal.
I almost left.
She said " sometimes we need to force ourselves to be thankful in the middle of the darkness"
I hated her suggestion.
I went home.
On some blank pages in the middle of an old three-ring notebook I wrote the date, and three things I was thankful for
1. my friendship with her
2.my family
3.Jesus saved my life
I have kept up with this journal and another one about daily inspirations that she also sent me and everyday, through all of these "exams" that seem to pile up I commit to being thankful. As i look back in the journals it reveals to me a reminder of the "exams" I have passed and those I have failed but always a reminder that there is a God who through all of it never leaves me even in times it seems like he has and reminds me of the overflow of abundance he provides like the birth of our second granddaughter Aubrey a week ago, a beautiful reminder of what joy and hope look like.
Being purposeful in reading the Word of God and being thankful has been like a lifeline to me.The enemy likes nothing more than to cloud your vision with darkness just enough so that you have trouble seeing the glimmers of light that still shine.
Last night my husband had a difficult night since his recovery at home with his ileostomy and at 4am it exploded and he was covered in feces and the bed was too. As I washed the sheets and blankets,ran a shower for my husband and cleaned up the carpet where he walked I realized I HAD to be thankful for something in my journal the next day....
It wasn't very hard.
1.Washing machine and dryer in my house
2. water hot and cold
3.prayers answered (because I knew somewhere in this "exam" would be a valuable lesson)
" Your will be done" is something I am trying to say with more and more faith.....Until then I am glad for a friend who forced me to be thankful no matter what and the Word of God that speaks Truth and light in the darkness.
