Last week at church at the mission my husband was speaking about labels that the world gives us versus the labels God can give us. How living a "Christian life" is a difficult one especially if you are moving in a way that honors God but the world disagrees with. There was 16 people in that day. It was the week before OW and ODSP cheques were due. Many of our friends were in a desperate time of the month....many with addictions to drugs and alcohol, many with mental health issues many who are simply with us on a Sunday because they have no more left to loose and want to know if this God is REALLY for everyone and some its just for the coffee. We all wrote on a piece of paper the labels the world gave us; slut,whore, thief, murderer, abuser,looser,crack head,ugly, no good etc and placed them in the garbage as a way to symbolically get rid of the labels and start fresh with the labels that God has for us; redeemed,forgiven,sanctified etc. Before we finished my husband gave each person an assignment to go and bless someone that week and if you wanted to report back and let us know how it made you feel to see someone else blessed and to share their experience we could do that next week. He then gave me an envelope with money in it and asked me to hand each person in the room $10. As i went around the room people we noticeably shook up by the idea that we would give them money...that we would trust them with money, to do what we asked at a time of the month when they were most desperate. Tom and I knew that we were taking a risk in the room with addicts who may then go and get high with it or people who may spent it on themselves but when God puts something on your heart its best to let Him sort all that out. We heard one of our friends say that their neighbor needed a can of beans for a recipe and they would use some of the money for that.Only God knew and He is in control.
When we arrived today at church there was only 7 people there. We knew the numbers would be lower because our friends had received their cheques, the time change may also have sent them early and left because they thought we weren't there and we also knew many of them may have done something with that money they didn't want to share and that was okay too.After worship Tom asked if anyone had anything to share about their $10 assignment. We shared how some gave to moms in the grocery store or put it in the Poppy box, someone put together bags with ensure a snack and a card about Gods love to hand out on the streets. George shared about how he saw a friend he hadn't seen in years who was hungry and so he invited him to A&W to have breakfast with him and then bought him 2 teen burgers to go because they were on sale. He said he talked to his friend about the mission and how it could help him and also shared with his friend about how he goes to church now. He said his friend asked if he was using drugs because George Elliott would never go to church but that George explained its not like what you think church is.We have coffee and doughnuts and sing,talk about God and pray for the people in the neighborhood he told him. He hoped his friend would come today but he didn't. I thought about the times when a friend I haven't seen in a few years gets together with me and do I take the time to talk about God with them? I love when God uses people like George to be teachers for me. I love when we realize it isn't about who is leading the church but how we can learn from everyone there. Tom thanked George for telling his story to us and then George announced ,"Dont let no one screw up your beliefs no matter who the hell it is!" and with that statement he got up and had another cup of coffee.
Sandi shared her week with us also. She was eager to share her $10 assignment with all of us even though she had briefly shared it on Facebook earlier. This is what she told us;
" Marion drove me to the store and i saw a girl I used to know when I worked the streets. I called her over and saw that she was still working the streets sick and had a tracheotomy it was hard to understand her . I had to tell her who I was and she was surprised to see me and how good I looked. I gave her the $10 and told her it was Gods money like you said and then i really wanted her to know why I was so good so i told her about God and Jesus and how he saved my life. I wanted her to know that He forgave my sins and that He forgives her too. I told her about our church and said she should come and she would be welcome there. I really wanted to make sure she knew all about Jesus and she began to cry, Marion could hear her crying from the car. That felt like more than $10 you know and it wasn't about the money anyway was it. It was about us telling people about the Lord and that's worth way more money than that. I know she probably took it to the crack house but God doesn't care about that part because even if she gets high with it she will definitely tell people she saw me and tell them that I am clean because of the Lord and church and everything. People in the crack house will hear it and maybe that's how someone else will get clean and saved. I felt good not with giving the money as much as telling her all about my new life and how she can have one too."
I was blown away by Sandis story although by now I should learn that she is a JESUS FREAK that I can learn from everyday and every moment I get to be with her. She is the first to get up in church when the door opens and serves coffee and tells everyone they are welcome to the space. She understands the heart of God so deeply it seems to radiate out of her. She carries a spirit from God that understands His grace forgiveness and love in an uncomplicated way that it is so easily shared with so many who most of us think are unreachable. Sandi understands that Gods love is for everyone.Not just with her words but with her whole life.
I often think about people who say they don't believe in Jesus because they don't understand why God Allows bad things to happen in life or to them, and when I think of my friend Sandi who has more than enough reasons to hate God for the life she has lived but understands His love can conquer all of it and even use the painful experiences like hers to tell others about Him in a way no one else could , I am convicted and excited at the same time. I am convicted that I need to thank God for ALL things I have experienced and will experience because He can use it all and I am excited to be able to learn from a great teacher like Sandi . I wish everyone could know her. I wish those who are afraid to believe because of pain could learn from her.
Church isn't about who writes the sermon and reads it. Its about the big message that God is trying to teach through each personal experience of Him in the room. When Tom read the sermon and sent the people on an assignment with money that most would not trust them with, he let God do the teaching and waited for the lesson we can ALL learn when we returned the following Sunday. When the story of $10 being given to a crack-addicted prostitute turns into a lesson on forgiveness, everyone is welcome and that even God can be used in a crack house to bring people to the Him we ALL learn more than we ever imagined from the gift of $10 bill. When someone shares that they are going to church to a friend they haven't seen in years over a $10 meal at A&W we learn about faith and courage and sharing that with others even if it is uncomfortable. Thank-you God for the way you use all of us as leaders,preachers, disciples in your church. I love how you use people with labels from the world as "old men,liar, murderer" or " crack-addicted whore" and send them out as "preachers,disciples and teachers of your word". I love that you are the kind of God who loves us beyond measure and is just waiting for us to give our lives to you in order to be used by you for your kingdom. Thank-you for being bigger than all the labels we receive from the world and for making every moment a teaching one and each of us a teacher.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Going for a haircut.......ending up at church.
This past Sunday at our group we call R.A.W (Real Awesome Worship) at the mission, its our little space, our little church space, I got to hear my husband preach his first ever sermon and it was great. We just finished our second round of Alpha and loving every minute with Nicky Gumbel but our friends wanted to learn more about God. We asked them about what they would like to hear about and they gave us LOTS to choose from. One of those suggestions was "we hear about giving your life to God but what would that look like and be honest", so we prayed about it and thought about what we thought were the hardest things about it and compared it to the expectations God had for our lives and my husband went on to speak beautifully and honestly about "being Christian". He was so nervous because he knows that he does not have the proper "schooling" according to the world and he had to battle his own insecurities -you know that tape that plays in your head that tells you your not good enough, but we have learned together over the past few years that when you follow God it isn't going to make sense to everyone in the world but it is God who we ultimately answer to . The fact is every week at R.A.W we never know who will show up, what will be asked or what will happen. It truly is a beautiful mess most of the time.
This Sunday was extra special because it was the first time we led without relying on Nicky to start us off. We prayed for God to give Tom the wisdom and the words and He really did. I was really proud of him. to see him step out into something for God and open himself up to possible ridicule and at the very least a room of people who would throw really hard questions at him. We gained strength through the worship songs we sang and knew if we released it all to God He would sort it out even if we didn't really hear from him and were not stepping out into his will, we know He is a God who never leaves you in the mess but pulls you out to make a message.
Just as Tom began to preach a woman named Maria came in and sat down, made the sign of the cross over her body and closed her eyes in prayer. We know Maria she has been coming to the mission store for many years now but has never attended our church on Sunday. She listened to Tom and sang worship songs with all of us and prayed with us. When we were finished and everyone started to leave she asked me if she could speak to Tom and I before she leaves. I said of course and she asked me to listen to why. She said in her thick Portuguese accent " I have alot of pain in my life. I lost God along time ago and I put up a wall between me and him because I cry out to him in pain many years for myself and my children but He doesn't come so I said forget you and I put up a wall. I haven't had him for a long time. But I hear you people say today about being mad at God and I am. but I want him back I am ready to have him again but my wall is so big many years many angry years. I want to talk to your husband, have him pray for me I want to have God again." She took my breath away. I called the rest of the people left to come and pray over her with Tom and I and she shared with them a bit of what she told me, even George was there with us. We prayed for the wall to come crashing down and for Maria to know that God had never left her all these years. I was so glad she came , she thanked us for the prayer and left.
Today came and while I was serving coffee at the missions free hair salon Maria came in. She said I need to speak to you right now! I went over to her and she said, " I thought yesterday was the hair cut day, I got my days mixed up. Thats why I came yesterday during your church, I thought you were just praying for the start of the hair cuts like you do for everything and then your husband started speaking about God and I realized I was in church and I was going to leave but I knew that God had tricked me into coming to church to meet Him again. After you prayed with me yesterday my insides were empty I didn't feel hard in the middle anymore and I knew God had tricked me into meeting him, He will do whatever He needs to get you with him I guess. Thank-you for that it has been along time without Him and I am glad He tricked me. SO I am here today for a hair cut -right?" she smiled. "yes Maria today is the hair cut day, not church. " I laughed. She said " I think I may come back to church again either here or the one I used to go to but I talked to God today." I said "Maria I am so glad you and God are talking again and wherever He needs to meet you we are so happy for that and I will let Tom know for sure. Thank-you for sharing this with me."
I am blessed by everything at the mission and I am on an incredible JESUS FREAK journey with God but I am never less than surprised and humbled and forever blown away by the way He does everything so on purpose and so beautifully for His kingdom and the way HE steps right into our beautiful mess everyday. God you are so awesome and I thank you for the boldness of my husband to follow you and for a place like HHSM where there is space for all us broken people to try our best to move forward on our journeys with you. I am so glad God that you and Maria are talking again. :)
This Sunday was extra special because it was the first time we led without relying on Nicky to start us off. We prayed for God to give Tom the wisdom and the words and He really did. I was really proud of him. to see him step out into something for God and open himself up to possible ridicule and at the very least a room of people who would throw really hard questions at him. We gained strength through the worship songs we sang and knew if we released it all to God He would sort it out even if we didn't really hear from him and were not stepping out into his will, we know He is a God who never leaves you in the mess but pulls you out to make a message.
Just as Tom began to preach a woman named Maria came in and sat down, made the sign of the cross over her body and closed her eyes in prayer. We know Maria she has been coming to the mission store for many years now but has never attended our church on Sunday. She listened to Tom and sang worship songs with all of us and prayed with us. When we were finished and everyone started to leave she asked me if she could speak to Tom and I before she leaves. I said of course and she asked me to listen to why. She said in her thick Portuguese accent " I have alot of pain in my life. I lost God along time ago and I put up a wall between me and him because I cry out to him in pain many years for myself and my children but He doesn't come so I said forget you and I put up a wall. I haven't had him for a long time. But I hear you people say today about being mad at God and I am. but I want him back I am ready to have him again but my wall is so big many years many angry years. I want to talk to your husband, have him pray for me I want to have God again." She took my breath away. I called the rest of the people left to come and pray over her with Tom and I and she shared with them a bit of what she told me, even George was there with us. We prayed for the wall to come crashing down and for Maria to know that God had never left her all these years. I was so glad she came , she thanked us for the prayer and left.
Today came and while I was serving coffee at the missions free hair salon Maria came in. She said I need to speak to you right now! I went over to her and she said, " I thought yesterday was the hair cut day, I got my days mixed up. Thats why I came yesterday during your church, I thought you were just praying for the start of the hair cuts like you do for everything and then your husband started speaking about God and I realized I was in church and I was going to leave but I knew that God had tricked me into coming to church to meet Him again. After you prayed with me yesterday my insides were empty I didn't feel hard in the middle anymore and I knew God had tricked me into meeting him, He will do whatever He needs to get you with him I guess. Thank-you for that it has been along time without Him and I am glad He tricked me. SO I am here today for a hair cut -right?" she smiled. "yes Maria today is the hair cut day, not church. " I laughed. She said " I think I may come back to church again either here or the one I used to go to but I talked to God today." I said "Maria I am so glad you and God are talking again and wherever He needs to meet you we are so happy for that and I will let Tom know for sure. Thank-you for sharing this with me."
I am blessed by everything at the mission and I am on an incredible JESUS FREAK journey with God but I am never less than surprised and humbled and forever blown away by the way He does everything so on purpose and so beautifully for His kingdom and the way HE steps right into our beautiful mess everyday. God you are so awesome and I thank you for the boldness of my husband to follow you and for a place like HHSM where there is space for all us broken people to try our best to move forward on our journeys with you. I am so glad God that you and Maria are talking again. :)
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Going on a bike ride....finding me some Jesus
Today was the Ride for Refuge.
Today we left the house thinking we were raising money for Helping Hands Street Mission.
Today I complained about the weather, having to get up early and argued with my daughter all before I left the house.
Today I had a discussion about whether the fundraiser would be "worth it" in the end.
Today God told me to shut my face and pay attention because yet again and as always Today was about something so much more than I could ever imagine.
We rode for team Sandi. Sandi is a friend of mine who is one of the strongest women I have ever known. Sandi and I met a long time ago when we were both very different people. She was addicted to drugs and I was addicted to serving in the community at the expense of my family and not always for Gods glory. She came to the mission for help but what really ended up happening is she ripped away my layers to expose what lessons I needed to learn that could only be taught by her. Sandi says the mission helped save her life, I say the feeling is mutual.
Sandi raised the most money of anyone on our team although I am not surprised. One day when she shares her story to the whole world you wont be either. She is a woman who you want to be close to because wisdom just flows from her. A woman who hangs on to Jesus really hard because she knows what its like when you let go. She was there before me and already ready to go just waiting for her opportunity to get on that bike so she could "get it over with" as she said. Sandi was afraid she may not be able to finish the 10 k. She was out of shape and has some health issues that make it difficult to breathe. She was upset because she couldn't get MORE money for the mission, "maybe next year" she said.
We started the ride and we sent the younger girls ahead to be our pacers and we had Sandi in the middle in case she got tired. Sandi took about 5 minutes to want to go further and faster. As she passed people she talked about who she was riding for (something I didn't do) and at one point she was talking to a woman for quite a while and I could hear things like "I am riding for Helping hands Street Mission they and God really helped me in my life.." she is sharing a small part of her testimony (something I wasn't doing). We reached the half way point and she needed a little break so she stopped and used her puffer, had a drink and a Halls from her pocket. She walked her bike up one of the hills so she could catch her breath. She kept saying sorry, we kept saying its okay. When she got on her bike again the wind started to come against us pretty hard and I heard her start to pray ..."God give me strength and stop the enemy from trying to stop me" I wonder how many times it has never occurred to me to pray first before complaining. Sandi , always a teacher.
Our team made it and we rode in together with some really great people cheering us on. She finished the ride she thought she couldn't do in under an hour. She thanked God when she got off her bike for giving her the strength. A few more people came in behind us and it was someone who had been emailing me about their new church plant wanting to connect again with HHSM to serve and partner with us. We said hello and he introduced me to his mother who let me know that she is a part of a group that is involved with justice for those involved in prostitution and human trafficking. I immediately wanted Sandi to meet her, they have the same heart for the same woman. I brought her over and she explained who she was again and Sandi said " this is the lady I was talking to on the ride." She turned to her and said " I never shared my whole story with you but I was involved in the life too and I would love to talk to you about housing for woman." They went on to talk about connecting together since she has woman doing speaking tours with her group all over the country. I was just watching and loving how God planned this day all along. Sandi said " Can you believe how God does that?!?!" I said "sometimes God is so creepy the way He connects EVERYTHING!" She laughed.
Today wasn't about how much money we raised for Helping Hands Street Mission. It wasn't about if we thought it was worth the time. It was all about God all along moving Sandi onto yet another stage in her journey with him and sending her out to share what He has done in her to more people for His glory. Today was a FREAKY day, A JESUS FREAKY day. A day when you get to watch God take over the whole situation and move you out of the way so He can continue to do the great works He does in all of us.
Today we left the house thinking we were raising money for Helping Hands Street Mission.
Today I complained about the weather, having to get up early and argued with my daughter all before I left the house.
Today I had a discussion about whether the fundraiser would be "worth it" in the end.
Today God told me to shut my face and pay attention because yet again and as always Today was about something so much more than I could ever imagine.
We rode for team Sandi. Sandi is a friend of mine who is one of the strongest women I have ever known. Sandi and I met a long time ago when we were both very different people. She was addicted to drugs and I was addicted to serving in the community at the expense of my family and not always for Gods glory. She came to the mission for help but what really ended up happening is she ripped away my layers to expose what lessons I needed to learn that could only be taught by her. Sandi says the mission helped save her life, I say the feeling is mutual.
Sandi raised the most money of anyone on our team although I am not surprised. One day when she shares her story to the whole world you wont be either. She is a woman who you want to be close to because wisdom just flows from her. A woman who hangs on to Jesus really hard because she knows what its like when you let go. She was there before me and already ready to go just waiting for her opportunity to get on that bike so she could "get it over with" as she said. Sandi was afraid she may not be able to finish the 10 k. She was out of shape and has some health issues that make it difficult to breathe. She was upset because she couldn't get MORE money for the mission, "maybe next year" she said.
We started the ride and we sent the younger girls ahead to be our pacers and we had Sandi in the middle in case she got tired. Sandi took about 5 minutes to want to go further and faster. As she passed people she talked about who she was riding for (something I didn't do) and at one point she was talking to a woman for quite a while and I could hear things like "I am riding for Helping hands Street Mission they and God really helped me in my life.." she is sharing a small part of her testimony (something I wasn't doing). We reached the half way point and she needed a little break so she stopped and used her puffer, had a drink and a Halls from her pocket. She walked her bike up one of the hills so she could catch her breath. She kept saying sorry, we kept saying its okay. When she got on her bike again the wind started to come against us pretty hard and I heard her start to pray ..."God give me strength and stop the enemy from trying to stop me" I wonder how many times it has never occurred to me to pray first before complaining. Sandi , always a teacher.
Our team made it and we rode in together with some really great people cheering us on. She finished the ride she thought she couldn't do in under an hour. She thanked God when she got off her bike for giving her the strength. A few more people came in behind us and it was someone who had been emailing me about their new church plant wanting to connect again with HHSM to serve and partner with us. We said hello and he introduced me to his mother who let me know that she is a part of a group that is involved with justice for those involved in prostitution and human trafficking. I immediately wanted Sandi to meet her, they have the same heart for the same woman. I brought her over and she explained who she was again and Sandi said " this is the lady I was talking to on the ride." She turned to her and said " I never shared my whole story with you but I was involved in the life too and I would love to talk to you about housing for woman." They went on to talk about connecting together since she has woman doing speaking tours with her group all over the country. I was just watching and loving how God planned this day all along. Sandi said " Can you believe how God does that?!?!" I said "sometimes God is so creepy the way He connects EVERYTHING!" She laughed.
Today wasn't about how much money we raised for Helping Hands Street Mission. It wasn't about if we thought it was worth the time. It was all about God all along moving Sandi onto yet another stage in her journey with him and sending her out to share what He has done in her to more people for His glory. Today was a FREAKY day, A JESUS FREAKY day. A day when you get to watch God take over the whole situation and move you out of the way so He can continue to do the great works He does in all of us.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Breakfast with Jesus
I don't know where to start on this blog I am sooooo excited and filled with joy with how awesome God really is. We just got home from the most incredible celebration of Jesus and the awesome power he has to save people. It was a facebook event to celebrate my 10th birthday with Jesus but it turned into something so much better than that!
It started at 7 am at Angels diner where 26 people woke up early to celebrate together( it turned into 32 by the end of the morning).....LOTS of coffee was served and delicious breakfast and the room just filled with the holy spirit...it was amazing! Friends that I have known for many years and some that I just met but all there to celebrate the awesome power of God who redeems all who ask and surrender to him. Many friends who would never be up before 8 were there , some staying to eat and share until work started and many who flowed in later. The waitress asked what we were celebrating and I got to share with her about my spiritual birthday..always opportunities that God places before us. My Jesus Freak friend who brought me to the Lord was there and I couldn't be more excited for the people who have heard about the mystery woman from my testimony to see her and meet her it took my breath away. She is a very private woman who doesn't normally share but she did and gave details of how God placed me into her life and how He saved hers as well. Then it started a group of people alot strangers who have never met and would have never crossed paths except for Jesus telling their stories of their life with Jesus and what they are doing now and how they met me and really just pouring out their testimonies to strangers and finding the connection between one another....a connection planned so perfectly by God.
I stopped to take some pictures and was looking through the lens at one point and began to tear up. God has placed each one of the people in this room in my life to help me on my journey until this point and moving forward. People from all different backgrounds denominations and even some who wouldn't call themselves Christian (although I believe they are in the closet) people who witnessed the transformation of my life and some who simply know me post-Jesus. My husband said grace and i knew that he wasn't just thanking the Lord for this day but for all the things many in that room don't know that God has taken our marriage out of and into. My life 10 years ago was painful and shattered and I know if God can save me he really can save anyone. There is no doubt in my mind that the obedience of my Jesus Freak friend is the reason why I am here today. She shared about how she prayed to God not to use her to help me because I was so miserable, but God told her to go and tell me about him. I wonder how many people I have over looked because they seemed too hard to get to? I wonder who I am afraid to tell ? My prayer is to be bold for Jesus in all circumstances and be obedient to God in all things.
I asked each person who was coming today to go and bless someone they do not know and simply say that Jesus loves them. This past week I have received many messages from people who couldn't attend who told me stories of the blessings they passed on to strangers and it warmed my heart. Connections were made at the tables that were totally God appointments, ministry leaders meeting possible volunteers, speaking engagements planned for others to share their testimonies with lots more people and friendships rekindled of people who haven't seen each other in a while. We even had a family reunion of sorts...so awesome so God! It was a beautiful mosaic of Gods people celebrating the power of Gods love. If i could start every morning like that it would be heaven. Over 3 hours of stories of redemption, grace , mercy, hope, peace, passion, struggles, joy and love. So often in churches we never get to hear the incredible stories of what God has done and is doing.....living breathing kingdom stories of the miracles God has been doing long after the last word in the bible was written. As we were leaving I went to pay for Hannahs breakfast and the waitress said" oh no someone in your group left me lots of money to pay for any customers meals on my shift that I wanted to bless through out the day." Today there will be many customers feeling the blessings of God at that diner and a waitress who will remember how much joy and love was in that room and tell other people about it.....about someones birthday with Jesus.
I was still so "high" on the spirit when I pulled into our driveway at home to see my friend Will and his brothers emptying their dads house that recently sold. Will was instrumental in my early walk with God and one of the greatest encourages of the mission even though I was so new and had no clue what I was doing or even how to articulate my faith. He allowed me to be bold in my faith and when I said I was hearing from God he never tried to tell me I was not. Even the many times I am sure when I would say or do things that he knew would cause me to have to learn the hard way , he let me walk with God on MY journey so I could learn what I needed to. I love how God had him there on today of all days! I ran to him and told him about our wonderful breakfast and got to share with his brothers too. We prayed together on the front lawn and thanked God for how great he is and they again encouraged me on my journey with him to step boldly into His presence. Talk about feeling on fire! Holy spirit fire!
Today is a day that I look at the people, remember the places and see how God is so intentional with us. If we just open the door to allow him to work the things he can do in and through us are mind blowing! I am still married, have wonderful children, a community of on fire faith filled warriors all that are complete miracles from God and most important I am alive and well in Jesus Christ! If you are reading this blog and are not yet saved please know it is never too late (30 years for me) you are never too broken( I was so broken I wanted to die) and no matter what you have done (I have done some terrible things) Jesus loves you like no one else ever can and he is waiting for you to ask him into your heart. Lord I pray that you break open the hearts of anyone reading this blog who is not saved and flood them with your spirit. I pray that for families who think they have someone who is so lost they gave up trying will be bold again today for you.I thank you Jesus for never letting me go and for redeeming all the things in my life, all the broken that you have made new. Please make me bold and never loose my JESUS FREAK for you! AMEN
It started at 7 am at Angels diner where 26 people woke up early to celebrate together( it turned into 32 by the end of the morning).....LOTS of coffee was served and delicious breakfast and the room just filled with the holy spirit...it was amazing! Friends that I have known for many years and some that I just met but all there to celebrate the awesome power of God who redeems all who ask and surrender to him. Many friends who would never be up before 8 were there , some staying to eat and share until work started and many who flowed in later. The waitress asked what we were celebrating and I got to share with her about my spiritual birthday..always opportunities that God places before us. My Jesus Freak friend who brought me to the Lord was there and I couldn't be more excited for the people who have heard about the mystery woman from my testimony to see her and meet her it took my breath away. She is a very private woman who doesn't normally share but she did and gave details of how God placed me into her life and how He saved hers as well. Then it started a group of people alot strangers who have never met and would have never crossed paths except for Jesus telling their stories of their life with Jesus and what they are doing now and how they met me and really just pouring out their testimonies to strangers and finding the connection between one another....a connection planned so perfectly by God.
I stopped to take some pictures and was looking through the lens at one point and began to tear up. God has placed each one of the people in this room in my life to help me on my journey until this point and moving forward. People from all different backgrounds denominations and even some who wouldn't call themselves Christian (although I believe they are in the closet) people who witnessed the transformation of my life and some who simply know me post-Jesus. My husband said grace and i knew that he wasn't just thanking the Lord for this day but for all the things many in that room don't know that God has taken our marriage out of and into. My life 10 years ago was painful and shattered and I know if God can save me he really can save anyone. There is no doubt in my mind that the obedience of my Jesus Freak friend is the reason why I am here today. She shared about how she prayed to God not to use her to help me because I was so miserable, but God told her to go and tell me about him. I wonder how many people I have over looked because they seemed too hard to get to? I wonder who I am afraid to tell ? My prayer is to be bold for Jesus in all circumstances and be obedient to God in all things.
I asked each person who was coming today to go and bless someone they do not know and simply say that Jesus loves them. This past week I have received many messages from people who couldn't attend who told me stories of the blessings they passed on to strangers and it warmed my heart. Connections were made at the tables that were totally God appointments, ministry leaders meeting possible volunteers, speaking engagements planned for others to share their testimonies with lots more people and friendships rekindled of people who haven't seen each other in a while. We even had a family reunion of sorts...so awesome so God! It was a beautiful mosaic of Gods people celebrating the power of Gods love. If i could start every morning like that it would be heaven. Over 3 hours of stories of redemption, grace , mercy, hope, peace, passion, struggles, joy and love. So often in churches we never get to hear the incredible stories of what God has done and is doing.....living breathing kingdom stories of the miracles God has been doing long after the last word in the bible was written. As we were leaving I went to pay for Hannahs breakfast and the waitress said" oh no someone in your group left me lots of money to pay for any customers meals on my shift that I wanted to bless through out the day." Today there will be many customers feeling the blessings of God at that diner and a waitress who will remember how much joy and love was in that room and tell other people about it.....about someones birthday with Jesus.
I was still so "high" on the spirit when I pulled into our driveway at home to see my friend Will and his brothers emptying their dads house that recently sold. Will was instrumental in my early walk with God and one of the greatest encourages of the mission even though I was so new and had no clue what I was doing or even how to articulate my faith. He allowed me to be bold in my faith and when I said I was hearing from God he never tried to tell me I was not. Even the many times I am sure when I would say or do things that he knew would cause me to have to learn the hard way , he let me walk with God on MY journey so I could learn what I needed to. I love how God had him there on today of all days! I ran to him and told him about our wonderful breakfast and got to share with his brothers too. We prayed together on the front lawn and thanked God for how great he is and they again encouraged me on my journey with him to step boldly into His presence. Talk about feeling on fire! Holy spirit fire!
Today is a day that I look at the people, remember the places and see how God is so intentional with us. If we just open the door to allow him to work the things he can do in and through us are mind blowing! I am still married, have wonderful children, a community of on fire faith filled warriors all that are complete miracles from God and most important I am alive and well in Jesus Christ! If you are reading this blog and are not yet saved please know it is never too late (30 years for me) you are never too broken( I was so broken I wanted to die) and no matter what you have done (I have done some terrible things) Jesus loves you like no one else ever can and he is waiting for you to ask him into your heart. Lord I pray that you break open the hearts of anyone reading this blog who is not saved and flood them with your spirit. I pray that for families who think they have someone who is so lost they gave up trying will be bold again today for you.I thank you Jesus for never letting me go and for redeeming all the things in my life, all the broken that you have made new. Please make me bold and never loose my JESUS FREAK for you! AMEN
Monday, August 26, 2013
Imperfect tea cups and broken roses.
I am overwhelmed these past few days with the people God has placed in my life to love me the unique way they all do. I woke up this morning on my "official" birthday feeling more than blessed if there is such a thing and really so grateful for the life God has allowed me to have. I am always aware of everything in my life being the fruit of following Jesus , without him I would be dead, literally and figuratively. Today as I went to the mission God blew me out of the water again. Doesn't he always.
I was greeted by Michelle a student who is interning with us who was holding a cake and cupcakes to share with our friends and a bouquet of flowers. I thanked her and said she didn't need to do that and she responded by saying, " I am so happy to be able to do my hours here and I am grateful for it. Thanks for letting me be a part of it." She has no idea what a blessings she is to us and yet she is another example of how God draws people to places and spaces and tugs at their heart to love his people......those people we think are so unlovable. Just before we opened my friend Abby stopped by with her mom and I was so glad to see her on my birthday, we have known Abby for almost 9 years now and I haven't seen her all summer. They wished me a happy birthday and gave me a hug and we shared a cupcake while she told me about her new outfit for school, Oh how I miss seeing her since her mom had to find a new place further away from the mission-what a treat for my birthday! I was wearing my Birthday Girl button but most already knew it was my birthday before they got there. Of course having cake was a big hit and real cream for their coffee was pretty awesome too-no powdered stuff. We started running low on cake and Sandi rides her bike INTO the door of the mission out of breath and says "close your eyes Helen and put out your hand" I have to be honest there were times in my relationship with Sandi that I wouldn't dare do that but God has so radically redeemed her life I knew it was safe. She placed a red velvet cake in my hand and said with tears in her eyes and a shaky voice" I was trying to get here before you opened so we could all sing happy birthday to you sorry I was late". I hugged and kissed her and told her how much i loved her and she told me the same and wished me a happy birthday. She is a true walking talking miracle from God. How incredible it is to witness her life. She said cut the cake!! SO we did and had even more to share with our friends. Jill came in asking for a loonie to buy her cat some food before her cheque came and I reminded her that we cannot give out money then I remembered the cat food left over from Sandi looking after the stray we had a few days ago so I gave it to her, enough to last for a while. She was so grateful and returned about an hour later with some roses. Beautiful pink full roses that smelled amazing. "Happy Birthday Helen " I gave her a hug and thanked her for the flowers and looked down at the broken stem that had been twisted and turned from its bush from someones garden and given to me as a gift. Lovely broken roses from a lovely lady who had no money left for a few days but wanted to give me something. Those roses sit in a beautiful vase at my table and they are broken but so lovely, just like Jill. Tammy saw the flowers and said "hey its your birthday I didn't know why didn't anyone tell me?!?!?" She ran back to the store side of the mission and returned with something wrapped simply in a plastic bag and said " here happy birthday I got you something." I unwrapped the bag and it was cup with a strange handle that didn't seem like it was meant for it and it had the words TEA written all over it. Someone had just donated it. Tammy said " I know you like tea so I wanted you to have it." Spoken like a friend who had shopped all day for that something special for your birthday. It was imperfect but lovely just like Tammy. That tea cup is now washed and ready to go on my counter for tomorrow mornings breakfast and I cant wait to sit and enjoy a cup and look at my roses. Beautiful gifts from some beautiful woman to me.....me . A broken and imperfect woman like them.
My last few days have been filled with so many beautiful things. Parties cards friends cake and gifts. Today God brought me back to place of remembering that broken and imperfect is all we have here as we wait for the coming of the perfect One who sees our lovely through it all.
I was greeted by Michelle a student who is interning with us who was holding a cake and cupcakes to share with our friends and a bouquet of flowers. I thanked her and said she didn't need to do that and she responded by saying, " I am so happy to be able to do my hours here and I am grateful for it. Thanks for letting me be a part of it." She has no idea what a blessings she is to us and yet she is another example of how God draws people to places and spaces and tugs at their heart to love his people......those people we think are so unlovable. Just before we opened my friend Abby stopped by with her mom and I was so glad to see her on my birthday, we have known Abby for almost 9 years now and I haven't seen her all summer. They wished me a happy birthday and gave me a hug and we shared a cupcake while she told me about her new outfit for school, Oh how I miss seeing her since her mom had to find a new place further away from the mission-what a treat for my birthday! I was wearing my Birthday Girl button but most already knew it was my birthday before they got there. Of course having cake was a big hit and real cream for their coffee was pretty awesome too-no powdered stuff. We started running low on cake and Sandi rides her bike INTO the door of the mission out of breath and says "close your eyes Helen and put out your hand" I have to be honest there were times in my relationship with Sandi that I wouldn't dare do that but God has so radically redeemed her life I knew it was safe. She placed a red velvet cake in my hand and said with tears in her eyes and a shaky voice" I was trying to get here before you opened so we could all sing happy birthday to you sorry I was late". I hugged and kissed her and told her how much i loved her and she told me the same and wished me a happy birthday. She is a true walking talking miracle from God. How incredible it is to witness her life. She said cut the cake!! SO we did and had even more to share with our friends. Jill came in asking for a loonie to buy her cat some food before her cheque came and I reminded her that we cannot give out money then I remembered the cat food left over from Sandi looking after the stray we had a few days ago so I gave it to her, enough to last for a while. She was so grateful and returned about an hour later with some roses. Beautiful pink full roses that smelled amazing. "Happy Birthday Helen " I gave her a hug and thanked her for the flowers and looked down at the broken stem that had been twisted and turned from its bush from someones garden and given to me as a gift. Lovely broken roses from a lovely lady who had no money left for a few days but wanted to give me something. Those roses sit in a beautiful vase at my table and they are broken but so lovely, just like Jill. Tammy saw the flowers and said "hey its your birthday I didn't know why didn't anyone tell me?!?!?" She ran back to the store side of the mission and returned with something wrapped simply in a plastic bag and said " here happy birthday I got you something." I unwrapped the bag and it was cup with a strange handle that didn't seem like it was meant for it and it had the words TEA written all over it. Someone had just donated it. Tammy said " I know you like tea so I wanted you to have it." Spoken like a friend who had shopped all day for that something special for your birthday. It was imperfect but lovely just like Tammy. That tea cup is now washed and ready to go on my counter for tomorrow mornings breakfast and I cant wait to sit and enjoy a cup and look at my roses. Beautiful gifts from some beautiful woman to me.....me . A broken and imperfect woman like them.
My last few days have been filled with so many beautiful things. Parties cards friends cake and gifts. Today God brought me back to place of remembering that broken and imperfect is all we have here as we wait for the coming of the perfect One who sees our lovely through it all.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
The real purpose of the journey .
It has almost been one year since this JESUS FREAK journey started.....in two more days I am officially 40 years old.....I am so excited!
This journey has taken me places within myself that have been a bit scary and it has definitely been a year of growth, sometimes painful but so worth every minute. When I started this blog the idea was to find my FREAK again that space I was in almost 10 years ago when Jesus destroyed me to give me a new life. I thought finding that "excitement " about my faith again was what I needed but I now know all along God was bringing me to an even better place with Him......isn't it wonderful that He doesn't always give us what we think we need? Gods wisdom has saved me many times from myself. My FREAK for JESUS is here again but in a much more rich way, it is here with a sense that I soak more than I FREAK about it and my boldness that I thought I lost is here but it is more secure in itself which makes it even better. I thought I was looking to return to what I had but God wasn't okay with leaving me there, He loves us all more than that.
Tonight my wonderful husband, daughter and best friend threw a fantastic surprise 40th birthday party for me. It was in the barn on my friends property, lots of wonderful food and I received amazing gifts......I was overwhelmed. As we went for the tractor ride as the sun was setting I was reflecting in my mind how the last 40 years of my life has been. I thought about the girl I was and the woman I am now. I thought about my relationships with family and friends and my marriage and my children.......the good and the bad. I sat on that ride and thought about the people at this party some who have known me my whole life, some from my past and some just from the last 10 years or less and I couldn't help but smile. It amazes me how God can gather all of these people together in a space, all who have known me , loved me, been through great times but also some very dark times and have us celebrate together with one another. I thought about how awkward it really did feel at first when I saw them all and realized the party was for me. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the people whom God has placed in my life, how did I ever deserve this? I reflected on the people who were there some who I have hurt in the past and mended those relationships and many who just gave me a whole lotta grace in the times I have messed up and never needed any mending at all. I thought about all the people there who mentored me on this 10 year journey with Jesus and who may never know how instrumental their time, listening ear or simple example has been to me. I love how different we all are and how God uses us all to refine eachother and to even allow painful experiences to teach us mercy, grace and strength.
I sat and opened many beautiful cards with words that inspired , made me laugh and made me cry.Opened beautiful gifts and gifts that will allow me to indulge in the things I love. I sat with my "BIRTHDAY GIRL" button and looked around a barn at God .
I saw the face of Jesus in everyone there. I saw how God took a broken life of mine and didn't just put it back together but reformed and reshaped it using the most important tool He has to do that......His people....my people ......all those people in that barn tonight. Not perfect relationships but messy ones....beautiful kingdom mess with Gods people. I could hardly breath when I said thank-you tonight. I realized in that moment that my search for my JESUS FREAK was over, It was never really gone because it was right there in that room. It wasn't about trying to get back what I thought I lost it was about realizing that God was moving me into a new phase of this journey and in order to move me forward He needed me to see what the FREAK really is. Its the relationships in the community of God that holds no barriers of where you attend church, IF you attend church, what denomination you are. Having my JESUS FREAK back was about the enormity of the spirit of God and that no box can contain it. No rules or doctrine or building. My FREAK was in the connection to people who live this crazy life in ways that inspire and provoke It is found in a room full of people who do not demand perfection from me but demand a life lived full for God even if that looks radically different from theirs My JESUS FREAK is back. Not the way it used to be but the way it is meant to be on this leg of the journey.
I think I may continue this blog as a personal reminder to me of the many ways God is still working on me. Thanks for reading it this year and thanks to everyone who has ever touched my life.
This journey has taken me places within myself that have been a bit scary and it has definitely been a year of growth, sometimes painful but so worth every minute. When I started this blog the idea was to find my FREAK again that space I was in almost 10 years ago when Jesus destroyed me to give me a new life. I thought finding that "excitement " about my faith again was what I needed but I now know all along God was bringing me to an even better place with Him......isn't it wonderful that He doesn't always give us what we think we need? Gods wisdom has saved me many times from myself. My FREAK for JESUS is here again but in a much more rich way, it is here with a sense that I soak more than I FREAK about it and my boldness that I thought I lost is here but it is more secure in itself which makes it even better. I thought I was looking to return to what I had but God wasn't okay with leaving me there, He loves us all more than that.
Tonight my wonderful husband, daughter and best friend threw a fantastic surprise 40th birthday party for me. It was in the barn on my friends property, lots of wonderful food and I received amazing gifts......I was overwhelmed. As we went for the tractor ride as the sun was setting I was reflecting in my mind how the last 40 years of my life has been. I thought about the girl I was and the woman I am now. I thought about my relationships with family and friends and my marriage and my children.......the good and the bad. I sat on that ride and thought about the people at this party some who have known me my whole life, some from my past and some just from the last 10 years or less and I couldn't help but smile. It amazes me how God can gather all of these people together in a space, all who have known me , loved me, been through great times but also some very dark times and have us celebrate together with one another. I thought about how awkward it really did feel at first when I saw them all and realized the party was for me. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the people whom God has placed in my life, how did I ever deserve this? I reflected on the people who were there some who I have hurt in the past and mended those relationships and many who just gave me a whole lotta grace in the times I have messed up and never needed any mending at all. I thought about all the people there who mentored me on this 10 year journey with Jesus and who may never know how instrumental their time, listening ear or simple example has been to me. I love how different we all are and how God uses us all to refine eachother and to even allow painful experiences to teach us mercy, grace and strength.
I sat and opened many beautiful cards with words that inspired , made me laugh and made me cry.Opened beautiful gifts and gifts that will allow me to indulge in the things I love. I sat with my "BIRTHDAY GIRL" button and looked around a barn at God .
I saw the face of Jesus in everyone there. I saw how God took a broken life of mine and didn't just put it back together but reformed and reshaped it using the most important tool He has to do that......His people....my people ......all those people in that barn tonight. Not perfect relationships but messy ones....beautiful kingdom mess with Gods people. I could hardly breath when I said thank-you tonight. I realized in that moment that my search for my JESUS FREAK was over, It was never really gone because it was right there in that room. It wasn't about trying to get back what I thought I lost it was about realizing that God was moving me into a new phase of this journey and in order to move me forward He needed me to see what the FREAK really is. Its the relationships in the community of God that holds no barriers of where you attend church, IF you attend church, what denomination you are. Having my JESUS FREAK back was about the enormity of the spirit of God and that no box can contain it. No rules or doctrine or building. My FREAK was in the connection to people who live this crazy life in ways that inspire and provoke It is found in a room full of people who do not demand perfection from me but demand a life lived full for God even if that looks radically different from theirs My JESUS FREAK is back. Not the way it used to be but the way it is meant to be on this leg of the journey.
I think I may continue this blog as a personal reminder to me of the many ways God is still working on me. Thanks for reading it this year and thanks to everyone who has ever touched my life.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Caged birds
You know when God is nudging you to do something but you pretend its not Him because it doesn't make any sense or truthfully you are a little afraid of the unknown....yeah me too...and then you ignore the nudging for a year and then instead of nudging He wakes you from your sleep and says "Go!".....yeah me too. I ignored God sending me to Notre Dame Mother house for a year, maybe even more and then on my walk the other day I tried to turn down my regular route and the whisper turned into something a little louder and I felt physically unable to turn the corner.That's when I decided to GO! and go I did. A little nervous but knew He was sending me there for some real reason on this JESUS FREAK journey and I better do what He says-it always works out better that way anyway.
Some people may not think of me as someone who hesitates when God speaks to them,i have been pretty bold in this journey of mine but this was different. He was asking me to go to a place that I have spent alot of my life INCLUDING this journey with Jesus "murdering" with my tongue. I have spent alot of time in my relationship with Jesus making it "okay" for me to blast the catholic church and all its traditions in the name of the "right" way to walk with God....how embarrassing this is for me to even write to you.But i need to share this with you because the lessons I was taught on my walk to the convent cut really deeply for me in a great way and I hope like with all of this blog that others can glean something from this journey He has me on.
In my "righteous" "know it all" way I can sometimes be with Jesus, I have created a portrait of Him , a perspective perhaps that He needs to have the same relationship with everyone else like He does with me....oh I am so silly sometimes. I spent 13 years of my life attending catholic school and most of that time disrespecting the catholic faith, traditions and more importantly the people who are dedicated to this faith. Perhaps this has turned into more of a confession than a lesson......perhaps that s what He needs me to do , so hopefully the lesson sinks in....ouch. I used to make fun of the repetitive prayer, the fact that I could repeat every service before the priest did and i really didn't understand those poor woman called nuns who lived this horrible life locked up in those convents like birds in a cage...singing and praying but trapped. I had a grade 10 religion teacher who sent me to spend lots of time in the hallway for my disrespectful remarks in class.One time in particular I remember saying " you people are ridiculous.you torture a guy on a cross and leave him up there bleeding and I am supposed to worship this. Couldn't you come up with a nicer symbol?" Even as I write this I am once again convicted about what I said. Those words still burn. This was one of the things I confessed to God many years ago because I understood without the cross I would not be alive. The funny thing is though I never asked God to forgive the way I disrespected that nun who taught that class, I still held onto my right to think she and her religion was wrong. No wonder almost 10 years later God is still trying to nudge me about it.
When I walked up to the large building on my walk it kinda felt like sitting in the confessional booth again, even though these woman did not know the secrets of what God was trying to teach me that day....sometimes when you are being convicted of something it needs to be so painful that you think everyone can read it on you like a scarlet letter. Sometimes, for me anyway,that's how He has to teach me. I asked if I could walk on the grounds and the sweet nun from behind the desk thanked me for asking and gave me a tag that read "visitor"....I really was a visitor to their faith for this morning. She leaned in a little and whispered to me "there is a little gate at the back of the building, turn right and you will get a glimpse of it. Just lift the lock and go in ...its the jubilee garden." She smiled. I felt like she knew what I needed. I felt like she knew what I did to her, her faith but like in a beautiful Jesus moment she forgave and extended to me a secret place where I could go and be with Him. This will be one of the turning points for me in this journey of mine. A great lesson of grace from God through the very people I "murdered" all those years ago with my tongue.
I started to walk and at first couldn't find that gate until I walked a little further and there it was a little iron gate that opened up to a wonderful Eden, a hidden refuge, an oasis for my soul. I immediately felt a sense of peace as I walked through the gate. I began to see all the beautiful flowers and trees the wind was just a whisper and chipmunks and squirrels were sharing a meal together on the ground and as I looked up I had to sit down.......there above them was 2 cages with birds in them...I know!!! Crazy!! I thought at first that they had just placed the birds outside to get some fresh air ...I don't know..maybe they brought them in when the weather was bad or maybe they are a special kind of outdoor caged bird that I didn't know about.I also saw there was no door on the cage? I sat down....looked up...and saw the birds fly out...it seems the metal on the cage was just wide enough for them to go in between and fly away if they choose to but also so they could choose to enter the cage and sit on the swings and sing..................choose to enter the cage and sit on the swings and sing knowing they could leave whenever they wanted. Immediately after I saw two nuns come into the garden and began to smell the flowers and walk out of the gate into the world. Free to leave if they choose but choosing to come back to sit and sing and pray and praise. Free to love Jesus the way they do, the way they have been called to by God. Even as I write this the tears flood my eyes again..tears of repentance, tears of Joy tears of learning another lesson on this journey with Jesus. It felt like a release of sin from my heart and a removal of that scarlet letter i had carried of judgment.....so painful but so freeing. I stayed in that jubilee garden for hours and soaked in the Lord. I remembered all the things I was taught in Catholic school about prayer and how important repetitive prayer can be when meditating with Jesus, I remembered the commitment these woman make to God and although I may not agree with everything they do or believe it doesn't really matter. We are all here to glean from one another in this big family of God. I now wish for the kind of commitment these woman have and dare i say now pray for God to make me more like them in that aspect.
As i began to walk home I noticed a rock in between the stages of the cross that read."All the works of God proceed slowly and in pain but then their roots are the sturdier and their flowers the lovelier"
Perhaps not caged birds after all but Lovely flowers with sturdy roots. Oh Jesus never stop teaching me and molding me even though it can be painful. Let me enter the cage of your love that protects me but never demands me to stay.
Some people may not think of me as someone who hesitates when God speaks to them,i have been pretty bold in this journey of mine but this was different. He was asking me to go to a place that I have spent alot of my life INCLUDING this journey with Jesus "murdering" with my tongue. I have spent alot of time in my relationship with Jesus making it "okay" for me to blast the catholic church and all its traditions in the name of the "right" way to walk with God....how embarrassing this is for me to even write to you.But i need to share this with you because the lessons I was taught on my walk to the convent cut really deeply for me in a great way and I hope like with all of this blog that others can glean something from this journey He has me on.
In my "righteous" "know it all" way I can sometimes be with Jesus, I have created a portrait of Him , a perspective perhaps that He needs to have the same relationship with everyone else like He does with me....oh I am so silly sometimes. I spent 13 years of my life attending catholic school and most of that time disrespecting the catholic faith, traditions and more importantly the people who are dedicated to this faith. Perhaps this has turned into more of a confession than a lesson......perhaps that s what He needs me to do , so hopefully the lesson sinks in....ouch. I used to make fun of the repetitive prayer, the fact that I could repeat every service before the priest did and i really didn't understand those poor woman called nuns who lived this horrible life locked up in those convents like birds in a cage...singing and praying but trapped. I had a grade 10 religion teacher who sent me to spend lots of time in the hallway for my disrespectful remarks in class.One time in particular I remember saying " you people are ridiculous.you torture a guy on a cross and leave him up there bleeding and I am supposed to worship this. Couldn't you come up with a nicer symbol?" Even as I write this I am once again convicted about what I said. Those words still burn. This was one of the things I confessed to God many years ago because I understood without the cross I would not be alive. The funny thing is though I never asked God to forgive the way I disrespected that nun who taught that class, I still held onto my right to think she and her religion was wrong. No wonder almost 10 years later God is still trying to nudge me about it.
When I walked up to the large building on my walk it kinda felt like sitting in the confessional booth again, even though these woman did not know the secrets of what God was trying to teach me that day....sometimes when you are being convicted of something it needs to be so painful that you think everyone can read it on you like a scarlet letter. Sometimes, for me anyway,that's how He has to teach me. I asked if I could walk on the grounds and the sweet nun from behind the desk thanked me for asking and gave me a tag that read "visitor"....I really was a visitor to their faith for this morning. She leaned in a little and whispered to me "there is a little gate at the back of the building, turn right and you will get a glimpse of it. Just lift the lock and go in ...its the jubilee garden." She smiled. I felt like she knew what I needed. I felt like she knew what I did to her, her faith but like in a beautiful Jesus moment she forgave and extended to me a secret place where I could go and be with Him. This will be one of the turning points for me in this journey of mine. A great lesson of grace from God through the very people I "murdered" all those years ago with my tongue.
I started to walk and at first couldn't find that gate until I walked a little further and there it was a little iron gate that opened up to a wonderful Eden, a hidden refuge, an oasis for my soul. I immediately felt a sense of peace as I walked through the gate. I began to see all the beautiful flowers and trees the wind was just a whisper and chipmunks and squirrels were sharing a meal together on the ground and as I looked up I had to sit down.......there above them was 2 cages with birds in them...I know!!! Crazy!! I thought at first that they had just placed the birds outside to get some fresh air ...I don't know..maybe they brought them in when the weather was bad or maybe they are a special kind of outdoor caged bird that I didn't know about.I also saw there was no door on the cage? I sat down....looked up...and saw the birds fly out...it seems the metal on the cage was just wide enough for them to go in between and fly away if they choose to but also so they could choose to enter the cage and sit on the swings and sing..................choose to enter the cage and sit on the swings and sing knowing they could leave whenever they wanted. Immediately after I saw two nuns come into the garden and began to smell the flowers and walk out of the gate into the world. Free to leave if they choose but choosing to come back to sit and sing and pray and praise. Free to love Jesus the way they do, the way they have been called to by God. Even as I write this the tears flood my eyes again..tears of repentance, tears of Joy tears of learning another lesson on this journey with Jesus. It felt like a release of sin from my heart and a removal of that scarlet letter i had carried of judgment.....so painful but so freeing. I stayed in that jubilee garden for hours and soaked in the Lord. I remembered all the things I was taught in Catholic school about prayer and how important repetitive prayer can be when meditating with Jesus, I remembered the commitment these woman make to God and although I may not agree with everything they do or believe it doesn't really matter. We are all here to glean from one another in this big family of God. I now wish for the kind of commitment these woman have and dare i say now pray for God to make me more like them in that aspect.
As i began to walk home I noticed a rock in between the stages of the cross that read."All the works of God proceed slowly and in pain but then their roots are the sturdier and their flowers the lovelier"
Perhaps not caged birds after all but Lovely flowers with sturdy roots. Oh Jesus never stop teaching me and molding me even though it can be painful. Let me enter the cage of your love that protects me but never demands me to stay.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Best lesson I ever received in tithing
On this almost 10 year journey since Jesus first collided with my heart I have heard alot of wonderful messages on tithing from many pastors .....today was the best one and it came directly from my friend Murray who thought he was just coming to the mission today for a coffee but Gods plan was so much more than that, but isn't it always.
Tom and I haven't been to "regular church" "corporate church" whatever people call it for a few months now and although it seems strange on this JESUS FREAK journey I would remove myself from church to "hang out" with our friends at the mission on a Sunday that is exactly where God has placed us right now. I often get asked if I feel like we are missing something, I find God is so great at teaching us right now that the messages we need to hear on our journey are right down at 349/351 Barton st east in Hamilton. What a strange place to go to and hear the messages you need but for us right now its exactly where He has placed us.....another blog on all of that later. Right now I want to get back to Murray and share with you his wisdom on tithing.
Murray came in as he always does with much excitement and makes sure you know he is in the room-everyone knows he is there. Murray is loud in voice ,energy and visually with all of his tattoos and piercings and interesting outfits. We love him. Even when its hard...something God says about me everyday. Anyway today he felt it was really important to let me know that he NEEDED to speak to me to day when I wasn't too busy and when the line died down at the coffee I asked what he wanted to talk about. HE said he sat up all night watching a preacher on t.v talk about money and the church, I admit when Murray said that I was a little nervous. Money and the church is most times a touchy subjects for our friends at the mission and I understand why. I listened more as you need to do with Murray as he described to me who the preacher was and how he began to cry when the preacher said to him "Would you rather give it to God or would you rather the devil steal it?" For many of us we could have watched that and thought this t.v evangelist was preying on vulnerable people to get their money and maybe he was but Murray said he spoke to him and who am I to say different. "Helen he said that we need to do things that are hard sometimes so God can fix us and the things that we hold on to.....so do you guys take a\ tithe at your Sunday thing here at RAW?"
I told him we did and when I saw him tomorrow he could give it to me and i would write it down and give him a receipt-he got upset. "Helen I don't need you to write it down i trust you with Gods money and besides we aren't supposed to give it to get something back like taxes and shit just give it that's what the preacher said. I don't want to wait until tomorrow because I know if I do i will spend it and that's what the devil wants."
Murray is on a fixed income. I have seen him in times of homelessness and hunger-sometimes his own doing because of his addiction sometimes not but Murray cant easily part with money and I assumed he was about to give me a toonie or loonie, yes i am embarrassed to say I made that assumption. I have an envelope that now holds $40 with Murray's name on it that he wants to give to God because of all that God has done for him. Murray will not benefit from this via a tax receipt or for some bragging rights he just understands what God spoke to him last night through that preacher. He wasn't done there. Murray saw me outside after his coffee sweeping up the cigarette butts and came rushing out."mrs. Norris Mrs.Norris!!!! If Tom sees you sweating he will be mad at me I will clean up out here." So Murray and I talked more together as he helped sweep up cigarette butts and garbage and crack pipes and dog poop. He taught me about God and His love and how he never gave up on him even when he still messes up. He reminded me that we are not going to heaven because of cleaning the street or the money he gave but just because Jesus died for us. I spent an hour with my friend Murray on the street picking up garbage while he preached to me a beautiful sermon on Gods love for me and the importance of giving up my comfort for His plan. " I gave you that money to let God use it and I know he will. If I don't starve the beast in me it will eat me up inside and one way to starve it Helen is to do something hard for God."
I do miss "regular" church sometimes but right now I am learning so much in my season away from it from some amazing teachers like my friend Murray. God thank-you for reminding me that wisdom from my friend Sharon "WE are the church. If you listen you can hear God everywhere."
Tom and I haven't been to "regular church" "corporate church" whatever people call it for a few months now and although it seems strange on this JESUS FREAK journey I would remove myself from church to "hang out" with our friends at the mission on a Sunday that is exactly where God has placed us right now. I often get asked if I feel like we are missing something, I find God is so great at teaching us right now that the messages we need to hear on our journey are right down at 349/351 Barton st east in Hamilton. What a strange place to go to and hear the messages you need but for us right now its exactly where He has placed us.....another blog on all of that later. Right now I want to get back to Murray and share with you his wisdom on tithing.
Murray came in as he always does with much excitement and makes sure you know he is in the room-everyone knows he is there. Murray is loud in voice ,energy and visually with all of his tattoos and piercings and interesting outfits. We love him. Even when its hard...something God says about me everyday. Anyway today he felt it was really important to let me know that he NEEDED to speak to me to day when I wasn't too busy and when the line died down at the coffee I asked what he wanted to talk about. HE said he sat up all night watching a preacher on t.v talk about money and the church, I admit when Murray said that I was a little nervous. Money and the church is most times a touchy subjects for our friends at the mission and I understand why. I listened more as you need to do with Murray as he described to me who the preacher was and how he began to cry when the preacher said to him "Would you rather give it to God or would you rather the devil steal it?" For many of us we could have watched that and thought this t.v evangelist was preying on vulnerable people to get their money and maybe he was but Murray said he spoke to him and who am I to say different. "Helen he said that we need to do things that are hard sometimes so God can fix us and the things that we hold on to.....so do you guys take a\ tithe at your Sunday thing here at RAW?"
I told him we did and when I saw him tomorrow he could give it to me and i would write it down and give him a receipt-he got upset. "Helen I don't need you to write it down i trust you with Gods money and besides we aren't supposed to give it to get something back like taxes and shit just give it that's what the preacher said. I don't want to wait until tomorrow because I know if I do i will spend it and that's what the devil wants."
Murray is on a fixed income. I have seen him in times of homelessness and hunger-sometimes his own doing because of his addiction sometimes not but Murray cant easily part with money and I assumed he was about to give me a toonie or loonie, yes i am embarrassed to say I made that assumption. I have an envelope that now holds $40 with Murray's name on it that he wants to give to God because of all that God has done for him. Murray will not benefit from this via a tax receipt or for some bragging rights he just understands what God spoke to him last night through that preacher. He wasn't done there. Murray saw me outside after his coffee sweeping up the cigarette butts and came rushing out."mrs. Norris Mrs.Norris!!!! If Tom sees you sweating he will be mad at me I will clean up out here." So Murray and I talked more together as he helped sweep up cigarette butts and garbage and crack pipes and dog poop. He taught me about God and His love and how he never gave up on him even when he still messes up. He reminded me that we are not going to heaven because of cleaning the street or the money he gave but just because Jesus died for us. I spent an hour with my friend Murray on the street picking up garbage while he preached to me a beautiful sermon on Gods love for me and the importance of giving up my comfort for His plan. " I gave you that money to let God use it and I know he will. If I don't starve the beast in me it will eat me up inside and one way to starve it Helen is to do something hard for God."
I do miss "regular" church sometimes but right now I am learning so much in my season away from it from some amazing teachers like my friend Murray. God thank-you for reminding me that wisdom from my friend Sharon "WE are the church. If you listen you can hear God everywhere."
Friday, July 12, 2013
Mature enough to run again
This morning i decided to run again.
I was reflecting back on my first ever JESUS FREAK blog where I decided that my year long journey to 40 would not include something like weight loss because my spiritual exercising felt more desperate for me at that time. I know this may sound crazy but i feel like this journey has brought me full circle to the point where my spiritual muscles seem to be working again and now I feel like i CAN exercise my body in a healthy and responsible way.
There has been many moments in my life where i have irresponsibly exercised. I have exercised to have a smaller body leaving out a pair of jeans that are too small on the bed and trying them on after every run, maintain a certain number on the scale or just because it became my latest obsession or "addiction" of choice. ALL things for me that lend nothing to being healthy if the goal is all about obtaining something or some size the world says I should be, or abusing it to stop dealing with the real hard issues in my life that i just cant face. I feel like although I am almost 40 I am finally mature enough to exercise again. I feel like this JESUS FREAK journey has been a difficult, sobering and often chaotic one but so needed in my life to draw out of ME what was holding on to the stuff that was drowning my spirit. A Lot of those things were thoughts I had about myself, my value to others and mostly to this God who loves me. For the majority of my life INCLUDING after my delicious encounter with Jesus I fought against the physical hatred I had of myself. I thought that having Jesus in my life and learning how much he loves me I would never have to worry about weight gain or inactivity due to depression because I no longer had the right to feel that way if I understood the truth of the Gospel. I spent lots of time building up woman at the mission and telling them to look at themselves in the mirror and remember that God sees them as beautiful always..........you would think I would hang on to that for myself but I usually didn't. Oh I dont binge like I have in the past and purge anymore, I choose not to drink alcohol out of fear that it will become what I choose to do every weekend like I have but i feel like the one addiction I could always maintain in secret was my quiet anger with my body by just stopping the obsession of counting and weighing and running and running and running....... it doesnt go away it just perpetuates the cycle of watching your body become so far away from the worlds "ideal" and you began to think about which foods to stop eating and ways to deprive or punish yourself that no one will see.
I love how on this FREAK journey God always steps in with something you need but disguises it as something you are doing for someone else. I am certified in mental Health first aid now. A two day course I was taking to better understand my "mentally Ill" friends at the mission- you know those people who have problems......I have been so blessed by the knowledge I now have about mental illness and how much the course taught me about my own personal obsessions and mental blocks. Realizing that although i am not diagnosed with a mental illness but that we all fight against something every day that is trying to take us away from the intention God has for our lives. The course was not a Christ centered course but I spent each chapter reflecting on where I find God in it. I was embarrassed to realize that many of the words i have spoken to many woman over the years about who they are as they look in the mirror were coming back at me as a lie about who I am -crazy, perhaps but I felt like i needed to be really honest about this in the hopes that someone else doesnt feel like they are struggling alone. I felt i needed to say sorry to God for the way i thought about myself, his child and for the abuse i put on myself over the many years since my body started to develop in the name of "health" which was a total lie.....an outward shell but dead inside.......God isnt interested in a tight butt or certain size but in a child whose love for themselves means all things for His glory in His timing. there was nothing glorifying God about my obsession about size, stuffing myself so I don't feel anything, running and running and running so that maybe I would find the woman I was supposed to be. God sees the woman I am and he smiles at me, inspite of my "imperfect physical self". I forgot how imperfect all those wonderful people God used in scripture were not just in their sin but I don't remember hearing about how Esther stood in front of a mirror before she wen out in the morning to make sure she didn't look too big.
I ran again today because I learned it is good for my mental health and they were right. it cleared my mind to think about how much He loves me and that all obsessions are not healthy for me -even if the world says so. I think I might be mature enough to run now....run because it is good for my mental health and physically good for me.....not because when I am done I will try to squeeze into something that will make me feel more valuable. Today i was mature enough to run ..no goal but to seek clarity to try and love Him more the only way to truly be in love with His child.
I was reflecting back on my first ever JESUS FREAK blog where I decided that my year long journey to 40 would not include something like weight loss because my spiritual exercising felt more desperate for me at that time. I know this may sound crazy but i feel like this journey has brought me full circle to the point where my spiritual muscles seem to be working again and now I feel like i CAN exercise my body in a healthy and responsible way.
There has been many moments in my life where i have irresponsibly exercised. I have exercised to have a smaller body leaving out a pair of jeans that are too small on the bed and trying them on after every run, maintain a certain number on the scale or just because it became my latest obsession or "addiction" of choice. ALL things for me that lend nothing to being healthy if the goal is all about obtaining something or some size the world says I should be, or abusing it to stop dealing with the real hard issues in my life that i just cant face. I feel like although I am almost 40 I am finally mature enough to exercise again. I feel like this JESUS FREAK journey has been a difficult, sobering and often chaotic one but so needed in my life to draw out of ME what was holding on to the stuff that was drowning my spirit. A Lot of those things were thoughts I had about myself, my value to others and mostly to this God who loves me. For the majority of my life INCLUDING after my delicious encounter with Jesus I fought against the physical hatred I had of myself. I thought that having Jesus in my life and learning how much he loves me I would never have to worry about weight gain or inactivity due to depression because I no longer had the right to feel that way if I understood the truth of the Gospel. I spent lots of time building up woman at the mission and telling them to look at themselves in the mirror and remember that God sees them as beautiful always..........you would think I would hang on to that for myself but I usually didn't. Oh I dont binge like I have in the past and purge anymore, I choose not to drink alcohol out of fear that it will become what I choose to do every weekend like I have but i feel like the one addiction I could always maintain in secret was my quiet anger with my body by just stopping the obsession of counting and weighing and running and running and running....... it doesnt go away it just perpetuates the cycle of watching your body become so far away from the worlds "ideal" and you began to think about which foods to stop eating and ways to deprive or punish yourself that no one will see.
I love how on this FREAK journey God always steps in with something you need but disguises it as something you are doing for someone else. I am certified in mental Health first aid now. A two day course I was taking to better understand my "mentally Ill" friends at the mission- you know those people who have problems......I have been so blessed by the knowledge I now have about mental illness and how much the course taught me about my own personal obsessions and mental blocks. Realizing that although i am not diagnosed with a mental illness but that we all fight against something every day that is trying to take us away from the intention God has for our lives. The course was not a Christ centered course but I spent each chapter reflecting on where I find God in it. I was embarrassed to realize that many of the words i have spoken to many woman over the years about who they are as they look in the mirror were coming back at me as a lie about who I am -crazy, perhaps but I felt like i needed to be really honest about this in the hopes that someone else doesnt feel like they are struggling alone. I felt i needed to say sorry to God for the way i thought about myself, his child and for the abuse i put on myself over the many years since my body started to develop in the name of "health" which was a total lie.....an outward shell but dead inside.......God isnt interested in a tight butt or certain size but in a child whose love for themselves means all things for His glory in His timing. there was nothing glorifying God about my obsession about size, stuffing myself so I don't feel anything, running and running and running so that maybe I would find the woman I was supposed to be. God sees the woman I am and he smiles at me, inspite of my "imperfect physical self". I forgot how imperfect all those wonderful people God used in scripture were not just in their sin but I don't remember hearing about how Esther stood in front of a mirror before she wen out in the morning to make sure she didn't look too big.
I ran again today because I learned it is good for my mental health and they were right. it cleared my mind to think about how much He loves me and that all obsessions are not healthy for me -even if the world says so. I think I might be mature enough to run now....run because it is good for my mental health and physically good for me.....not because when I am done I will try to squeeze into something that will make me feel more valuable. Today i was mature enough to run ..no goal but to seek clarity to try and love Him more the only way to truly be in love with His child.
Monday, July 8, 2013
She brought her grandson to Sunday school
God gives us a glimpse of the Kingdom of heaven sometimes and it takes my breathe away. To be in the midst of his redeeming power, His Grace , His mercy and His awesome restoration. To watch someone live out the promises of God from scripture is a privilege i cannot believe He gives to us. It is breathless. It is beautiful. It is God.
My friend Sandi is the promise of scripture being lived out right in front of all of us. She would never count herself as a Christian woman to gain wisdom from or to be mentored by but I have learned so much from her in the last 10 months than I think I have in all the 10 years of christian community and bible study put together........or maybe its just that her raw relationship with God is so in-your-face beautiful I cant help but watch and be forever changed by it. There is no room for "filler" or "pretending" anything or any part of it -her relationship is long over due or perfectly timed either way a force for the enemy to be reckoned with.
The enemy has had his hand around her neck pushing her under the water and releasing her for just enough time for a quick glimpse and breath of the world he said she wasn't worthy of. Enough of a glimpse to want it enough time for her to need it in order for him to snatch it from her...to drown her again in a world his lies said was hers. The joy he must have felt when the little girl she was became engulfed and entangled in a web of evil, a story board of nightmares, the very opposite of the promises she was told when she was little in church about a loving God and His light in a dark world. The light was not something to be believed. When your world is so dark and you are drowning there isnt even a flicker to reach for. There is nothing. there is dark there is evil there is ever present pain. Physically, mentally, emotional and spiritually. There are no promises. Just survival. She couldn't even look forward to the odd breathe she could catch at the surface.You would need hope for that. She hadn't seen hope for a long time. He thinks he won. He sees victory. SO many years. SO much damage. He must have won........but no....our God says otherwise..
Isaiah 61 " he has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from the darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lords favor and the day of vengeance for our God, to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor"
My friend Sandi has been free for over 10 months now and living for Jesus. Free from addiction, free from the streets, free from the enemies plan for her life. She is no longer captive but released from the darkness and is now proclaiming the Lords favor in her life. Her life is a sign of Gods vengeance against the enemy. God has now comforted her as she mourns her old "self" and as she grieved her past life. She wears the biggest most beautiful crown and the ashes are blown into the wind. She is an outpouring of gladness and goodness and praise. She is a strong oak of righteousness and her life a display for the Lords splendor.
On Sundays my friend Sandi was taking the Alpha course with us at R.A.W for 15 weeks. One of the things she reminds me of from the course is that when we break one commandment we break them all-I am grateful for the reminder of that lesson she gives me. When Alpha was over God led her to a wonderful church around the corner from her to connect with as she travels on this wonderful journey with Him. THIS past Sunday she took her grandson to church with her so he could go to Sunday school...yes her grandson is being led to the Lord by his grandmother a wonderful woman of God......................I think we know who won.
My friend Sandi is the promise of scripture being lived out right in front of all of us. She would never count herself as a Christian woman to gain wisdom from or to be mentored by but I have learned so much from her in the last 10 months than I think I have in all the 10 years of christian community and bible study put together........or maybe its just that her raw relationship with God is so in-your-face beautiful I cant help but watch and be forever changed by it. There is no room for "filler" or "pretending" anything or any part of it -her relationship is long over due or perfectly timed either way a force for the enemy to be reckoned with.
The enemy has had his hand around her neck pushing her under the water and releasing her for just enough time for a quick glimpse and breath of the world he said she wasn't worthy of. Enough of a glimpse to want it enough time for her to need it in order for him to snatch it from her...to drown her again in a world his lies said was hers. The joy he must have felt when the little girl she was became engulfed and entangled in a web of evil, a story board of nightmares, the very opposite of the promises she was told when she was little in church about a loving God and His light in a dark world. The light was not something to be believed. When your world is so dark and you are drowning there isnt even a flicker to reach for. There is nothing. there is dark there is evil there is ever present pain. Physically, mentally, emotional and spiritually. There are no promises. Just survival. She couldn't even look forward to the odd breathe she could catch at the surface.You would need hope for that. She hadn't seen hope for a long time. He thinks he won. He sees victory. SO many years. SO much damage. He must have won........but no....our God says otherwise..
Isaiah 61 " he has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from the darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lords favor and the day of vengeance for our God, to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor"
My friend Sandi has been free for over 10 months now and living for Jesus. Free from addiction, free from the streets, free from the enemies plan for her life. She is no longer captive but released from the darkness and is now proclaiming the Lords favor in her life. Her life is a sign of Gods vengeance against the enemy. God has now comforted her as she mourns her old "self" and as she grieved her past life. She wears the biggest most beautiful crown and the ashes are blown into the wind. She is an outpouring of gladness and goodness and praise. She is a strong oak of righteousness and her life a display for the Lords splendor.
On Sundays my friend Sandi was taking the Alpha course with us at R.A.W for 15 weeks. One of the things she reminds me of from the course is that when we break one commandment we break them all-I am grateful for the reminder of that lesson she gives me. When Alpha was over God led her to a wonderful church around the corner from her to connect with as she travels on this wonderful journey with Him. THIS past Sunday she took her grandson to church with her so he could go to Sunday school...yes her grandson is being led to the Lord by his grandmother a wonderful woman of God......................I think we know who won.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Cover-alls
I had lunch with a great friend today. More than a friend she has been a mentor to me on this Jesus FREAK journey. She has an incredible way of helping me to see the bigger picture of what God is doing in my life and she usually does it by letting me talk my way to figuring it out ,eventually, for myself. As we sat down today at her house to share a meal she wanted to know about how my time went at a presentation this week for the mission at a big corporation. As always it unfolded into something bigger. Embarrassing, humbling and wonderful. Always a lesson.
I started off by telling her how nervous I was when I woke up that day. Tom was away and since I usually ask his opinion on what I should wear or how I look I spent a really long time changing outfits and looking in the mirror...too much time I am embarrassed to say. I wish I could say I spent as much time in conversation with God that morning but I absolutely did not. I justified my "worrying" about how I looked that day by thinking how "important" it was that I looked nice, was my presentation "professional enough" was I carrying myself in a professional manner to walk into this corporate workplace? I am representing the mission so I need to look like this and act like this and make sure I say this..........I, I, I, ME,ME,ME...worry worry worry, waste waste waste. I could have spent that time with God I SHOULD have spent that time with God. Instead I allowed my ego to step in and I made myself and my presentation to be bigger than God in my life. I spent more time fussing about the directions to the place and timing myself just right so as to make yet another proper "impression" making sure I had directions and instructions so i went in the right end of the building etc etc. Make sure i Had this day under control...ME ME ME. Despite MY best efforts the information I was given still wasn't enough to ensure my smooth, professional entrance into the massive facility. Parking wasn't available at the gate and despite my best effort to explain why i was there to the security they could care less about the information I had , who I was and why I was there. thank goodness I was directed to another gate that knew I was coming and let me in. By the time i parked and grabbed all my professional stuff for my presentation I had no extra time and was directed to wait again somewhere for my connection in the facility to meet me. They did and after a warm welcome advised me that the outfit I was wearing was nice but that they had coveralls, a hat and boots for me to wear as my presentation would be inside the plant so i had to cover up. Glad I spent all that time worrying about what I was going to wear and how they would respond to me in my fabulous outfit. God sorted my ego out pretty quick. IN a matter of seconds the hour I spent trying to look "appropriate" and "professional" was lost as He stripped me of my "adornments" and i now looked like everyone else in the building. The important time i took on my hair was now lost in the ponytail and hat. Oh what fool I can be.
I presented that morning to a group of hard-working people who love the idea of helping others out wherever the need may be. There was no speakers for my fabulous "professional" presentation, just some pictures and me dressed down humbly for God in a room full of hearts longing to do what God calls us to "love your neighbor" whether they claimed to know him or not. We all looked the same and I just spoke to a room full of people longing to help and was finally able to give the message God wanted me to give because God was able to be heard in what the mission does and the people it impacts everyday. God stripped me down of myself and how "important" I thought I was in presenting this message and taught me a lesson I will never forget. the response in the room after the presentation was incredible but God made His point very clear again in one mans response to me as he was leaving. "thanks for coming and sharing a bit of your story I am so glad you are now saved." God really does see the bigger picture every time.
Do we need to find people and business to support the mission-sure we do but the greatest story isnt how big we can make a budget or how much money we can bring in-its who is God saving for eternity and are people seeing a demonstration of His love to our neighbors. I may never be able to be ready for any corporate setting in a board room but I am always ready to tell the great story of who God is , the miracles he continues to perform each day and all of the glimpses of His kingdom here on earth. Thanks for stripping me down to make room for you Lord. Thanks for not giving up on me , thank-you for the wisdom of great friends and thanks for this never-ending life lesson journey to finding my FREAK.
I started off by telling her how nervous I was when I woke up that day. Tom was away and since I usually ask his opinion on what I should wear or how I look I spent a really long time changing outfits and looking in the mirror...too much time I am embarrassed to say. I wish I could say I spent as much time in conversation with God that morning but I absolutely did not. I justified my "worrying" about how I looked that day by thinking how "important" it was that I looked nice, was my presentation "professional enough" was I carrying myself in a professional manner to walk into this corporate workplace? I am representing the mission so I need to look like this and act like this and make sure I say this..........I, I, I, ME,ME,ME...worry worry worry, waste waste waste. I could have spent that time with God I SHOULD have spent that time with God. Instead I allowed my ego to step in and I made myself and my presentation to be bigger than God in my life. I spent more time fussing about the directions to the place and timing myself just right so as to make yet another proper "impression" making sure I had directions and instructions so i went in the right end of the building etc etc. Make sure i Had this day under control...ME ME ME. Despite MY best efforts the information I was given still wasn't enough to ensure my smooth, professional entrance into the massive facility. Parking wasn't available at the gate and despite my best effort to explain why i was there to the security they could care less about the information I had , who I was and why I was there. thank goodness I was directed to another gate that knew I was coming and let me in. By the time i parked and grabbed all my professional stuff for my presentation I had no extra time and was directed to wait again somewhere for my connection in the facility to meet me. They did and after a warm welcome advised me that the outfit I was wearing was nice but that they had coveralls, a hat and boots for me to wear as my presentation would be inside the plant so i had to cover up. Glad I spent all that time worrying about what I was going to wear and how they would respond to me in my fabulous outfit. God sorted my ego out pretty quick. IN a matter of seconds the hour I spent trying to look "appropriate" and "professional" was lost as He stripped me of my "adornments" and i now looked like everyone else in the building. The important time i took on my hair was now lost in the ponytail and hat. Oh what fool I can be.
I presented that morning to a group of hard-working people who love the idea of helping others out wherever the need may be. There was no speakers for my fabulous "professional" presentation, just some pictures and me dressed down humbly for God in a room full of hearts longing to do what God calls us to "love your neighbor" whether they claimed to know him or not. We all looked the same and I just spoke to a room full of people longing to help and was finally able to give the message God wanted me to give because God was able to be heard in what the mission does and the people it impacts everyday. God stripped me down of myself and how "important" I thought I was in presenting this message and taught me a lesson I will never forget. the response in the room after the presentation was incredible but God made His point very clear again in one mans response to me as he was leaving. "thanks for coming and sharing a bit of your story I am so glad you are now saved." God really does see the bigger picture every time.
Do we need to find people and business to support the mission-sure we do but the greatest story isnt how big we can make a budget or how much money we can bring in-its who is God saving for eternity and are people seeing a demonstration of His love to our neighbors. I may never be able to be ready for any corporate setting in a board room but I am always ready to tell the great story of who God is , the miracles he continues to perform each day and all of the glimpses of His kingdom here on earth. Thanks for stripping me down to make room for you Lord. Thanks for not giving up on me , thank-you for the wisdom of great friends and thanks for this never-ending life lesson journey to finding my FREAK.
Friday, May 17, 2013
You are a NEW creation in Jesus Christ
2 Corinthians 5:17
"Therefore is anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"
Today is my daughters birthday a time to celebrate the miracles of Gods creation and the bigger miracle of His eyes that see into things we never could. On this JESUS FREAK journey of mine I knew this day would come on May 17th that a battle for my mind and heart would rage between the lies of the enemy reminding me of the person I used to be and of Gods grace reminding me of who I no longer am in Him. The Holy spirit directed me to a binder in the basement buried under some paper work and a note tucked inside a folder that i wrote on July 11 2004 the day of my baptism called "My gift for my baptism" I want to share it with you because I think we all need to remember who we are in Him.
He made me someone new today
He made me someone new today
to Him it didn't matter
that my shoes were worn
my wallet broke
my clothes were all in tatters
He made me someone new today
didn't check my personal file
even though i know theres a lot of late nights
with alot of bad choices
a lot of unGodly miles
He made me someone new today
Didn't care what I had done
Didn't see my shoes, my wallet,my past, my clothes
these didn't matter to His son
He made me someone new today
His son took all my sins
discarding them without guilty feelings
to see the beauty that was within
He made me someone new today
GLORIOUS in His eyes
No questions asked
No sentence handed down
Just wants me to say goodbye.......
To that little girl inside my soul
who felt so lost and afraid
To say goodbye to her Forever
and Forever be remade.
Amen thank-you Jesus
Thank-you God for this little remembrance for me and for all of us who are new in your sons sacrifice. Thanks for your eyes that see so far ahead of us and into the heart of who you created us to be. Thank-you for the gift of my life and ALL it has brought me.
"Therefore is anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"
Today is my daughters birthday a time to celebrate the miracles of Gods creation and the bigger miracle of His eyes that see into things we never could. On this JESUS FREAK journey of mine I knew this day would come on May 17th that a battle for my mind and heart would rage between the lies of the enemy reminding me of the person I used to be and of Gods grace reminding me of who I no longer am in Him. The Holy spirit directed me to a binder in the basement buried under some paper work and a note tucked inside a folder that i wrote on July 11 2004 the day of my baptism called "My gift for my baptism" I want to share it with you because I think we all need to remember who we are in Him.
He made me someone new today
He made me someone new today
to Him it didn't matter
that my shoes were worn
my wallet broke
my clothes were all in tatters
He made me someone new today
didn't check my personal file
even though i know theres a lot of late nights
with alot of bad choices
a lot of unGodly miles
He made me someone new today
Didn't care what I had done
Didn't see my shoes, my wallet,my past, my clothes
these didn't matter to His son
He made me someone new today
His son took all my sins
discarding them without guilty feelings
to see the beauty that was within
He made me someone new today
GLORIOUS in His eyes
No questions asked
No sentence handed down
Just wants me to say goodbye.......
To that little girl inside my soul
who felt so lost and afraid
To say goodbye to her Forever
and Forever be remade.
Amen thank-you Jesus
Thank-you God for this little remembrance for me and for all of us who are new in your sons sacrifice. Thanks for your eyes that see so far ahead of us and into the heart of who you created us to be. Thank-you for the gift of my life and ALL it has brought me.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
It was never really mine to begin with.
A little follow-up from my blog the other day about my dads roommate........
Dads roommate didn't leave on the Friday as we had anticipated but instead left this morning to go back home so it was great to have even a couple of more days to connect with him. The day after writing the first blog about dads roommate I came into the hospital to find him being very quiet , which was pretty rare for him so i assumed he was sleeping. So I didn't disturb him I just sat beside dad and whispered to him about his night. He must have heard Dad and I anyway and yelled "HEY Helen is that you?" I said "yes good morning how are you today?" "alright I guess" he said. The nurse came in to do some blood work with dad so I asked him if I could come to his side of the room while the nurse cares for dad and he said sure. As i entered his side of the room I noticed he had been reading and it was the bible I had left for my dad in his room from the first day he was in hospital three weeks ago. I said " hey I see your enjoying that bible I left for my dad I am glad to see you are talking to God again. " He smiled and looked at me over his glasses and said " Well it was left on my table last night by the nurses so I am giving it a gander again. Is that okay? "Sure it is. You know I received that little bible the day I first gave my life to Jesus.." and he cut me off to say " I know I read the front with the date it was 10 years ago I see all that...... that's good." I smiled and went back to visit with dad. He was quiet for another half an hour, so rare a time for him to be quiet that I check a couple of times-just in case-to make sure he was ok. HE was he was simply talking to his Father again and it made me smile. It made me reflect on the times I was angry with my earthly Father and stopped talking to him only to be made more whole by reconnecting with him again and having him embrace me upon return, just like dads roommate and his heavenly Father.
Dads roommate decided to go out later for some "fresh air" and as he scooted by he stopped and said "you know he was approached 3 times by the devil ..I always thought it was once. I am going to ponder that and alot more. Glad to have met you." And out the door he went. I wanted to take the bible back off of his side of the room but just felt like it needed to stay there. Today when I was on my way to visit dad I confess that I had many thoughts going through my head like how dads night went , did he feel any better and if his roommate was there still-just in case he forgot to leave my bible. That bible was important to me because of when I received it on the first day of my rebirth and the day I chose to try again to live but trying it Gods way this time. I kept that bible for all this time and always brought it to places when I felt like there was extra intervention needed from the Holy Spirit like when my dad was first in hospital and on life support-that bible was like my weapon for God and even if all of that was in my head it meant alot to me. I got there too late. Dads roommate was gone and dad was now on his side by the window. I confess again that I looked around for the bible and it was gone and after the moment of frustration washed away I realized how that bible was used as such a great weapon for God against the enemy for dads roommate who told me he was an atheist and stopped believing a long time ago and left reading, pondering and taking that weapon home with him to reconnect with his heavenly father again. I know I say this alot but God is so much bigger than all of us and all of this world and I pray that he may continue to use me and my JESUS FREAK a simple vessel to connect others to Him. I brought that bible in for my dad in his fight for his physical and spiritual life but perhaps Gods plans for that bible were for dads roommate all along.
How many times do we lay claim to things -especially personal items like a bible and assume God will only use it for us? That bible was only mine for a season and already God knew 10 years later I would meet a roommate when my dad was in crisis and use that bible to help save us all in that moment. Thanks for following on my crazy JESUS FREAK journey.
Dads roommate didn't leave on the Friday as we had anticipated but instead left this morning to go back home so it was great to have even a couple of more days to connect with him. The day after writing the first blog about dads roommate I came into the hospital to find him being very quiet , which was pretty rare for him so i assumed he was sleeping. So I didn't disturb him I just sat beside dad and whispered to him about his night. He must have heard Dad and I anyway and yelled "HEY Helen is that you?" I said "yes good morning how are you today?" "alright I guess" he said. The nurse came in to do some blood work with dad so I asked him if I could come to his side of the room while the nurse cares for dad and he said sure. As i entered his side of the room I noticed he had been reading and it was the bible I had left for my dad in his room from the first day he was in hospital three weeks ago. I said " hey I see your enjoying that bible I left for my dad I am glad to see you are talking to God again. " He smiled and looked at me over his glasses and said " Well it was left on my table last night by the nurses so I am giving it a gander again. Is that okay? "Sure it is. You know I received that little bible the day I first gave my life to Jesus.." and he cut me off to say " I know I read the front with the date it was 10 years ago I see all that...... that's good." I smiled and went back to visit with dad. He was quiet for another half an hour, so rare a time for him to be quiet that I check a couple of times-just in case-to make sure he was ok. HE was he was simply talking to his Father again and it made me smile. It made me reflect on the times I was angry with my earthly Father and stopped talking to him only to be made more whole by reconnecting with him again and having him embrace me upon return, just like dads roommate and his heavenly Father.
Dads roommate decided to go out later for some "fresh air" and as he scooted by he stopped and said "you know he was approached 3 times by the devil ..I always thought it was once. I am going to ponder that and alot more. Glad to have met you." And out the door he went. I wanted to take the bible back off of his side of the room but just felt like it needed to stay there. Today when I was on my way to visit dad I confess that I had many thoughts going through my head like how dads night went , did he feel any better and if his roommate was there still-just in case he forgot to leave my bible. That bible was important to me because of when I received it on the first day of my rebirth and the day I chose to try again to live but trying it Gods way this time. I kept that bible for all this time and always brought it to places when I felt like there was extra intervention needed from the Holy Spirit like when my dad was first in hospital and on life support-that bible was like my weapon for God and even if all of that was in my head it meant alot to me. I got there too late. Dads roommate was gone and dad was now on his side by the window. I confess again that I looked around for the bible and it was gone and after the moment of frustration washed away I realized how that bible was used as such a great weapon for God against the enemy for dads roommate who told me he was an atheist and stopped believing a long time ago and left reading, pondering and taking that weapon home with him to reconnect with his heavenly father again. I know I say this alot but God is so much bigger than all of us and all of this world and I pray that he may continue to use me and my JESUS FREAK a simple vessel to connect others to Him. I brought that bible in for my dad in his fight for his physical and spiritual life but perhaps Gods plans for that bible were for dads roommate all along.
How many times do we lay claim to things -especially personal items like a bible and assume God will only use it for us? That bible was only mine for a season and already God knew 10 years later I would meet a roommate when my dad was in crisis and use that bible to help save us all in that moment. Thanks for following on my crazy JESUS FREAK journey.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Dads Roommate
It has been an emotional last three weeks as many of you know my dad has been in the hospital battling for his life both physically and spiritually. The details do not matter except I will say that I know for sure any scars we see on the outside are far easier to recover from than the ones we carry on the inside of us all. He was moved out of the ICU and into a regular ward a few days ago and after being excited about the move knowing he was only getting stronger we realized he would be sharing a room with someone and would no longer have a window of his own and privacy-boy we loose focus on the praises so quickly when our flesh creeps in. Anyway we hoped he would get a room mate who was at least quiet and didn't mind listening to Dads sometimes very powerful cough. As I walked down the hallway towards dads room I could here a man yelling for the nurse to come quickly to his room. He yelled over and over again and as I approached my fathers room I realized it was getting louder and louder because it was my dads roommate who was yelling. I dare not look on the other side of the curtain as I was already upset for my dad who has been having trouble sleeping and now this guy was screaming at the top of his lungs. Oh and he had a bed that sounded like an air mattress blowing up every 15 minutes or so as well and instead of seeing what he needed I just began to fill with frustration for my dad. A nurse finally came and asked what he needed and the man said cigarettes. CIGARETTES!!!! My dad has been listening to you yell for goodness knows how long because you wanted a cigarette?!?!?!? Needless to say I wasn't getting any more patient about this situation and "Christian" badge of honor was beginning to fall off. Why would God put my dad through all of this and then add this guy to the mix? What is going on? Why cant my dad just get a break in here?
I left that evening frustrated and concerned for my dad and the next day got a nudge that perhaps I should find out about this man on the other side of the curtain. After introducing himself I found out his whole life story in one half hour he decided to share with me including the reason why he was in the hospital.I could tell by the way the nurses were engaging with him that he was quite a character and he revealed a little bit of that to us too. He said he felt sorry for my dad with that bad cough of his and hoped they could do something about it for him-he figured he must have pneumonia (diagnosed because of his history of being in the hospital many times just like dad) I now saw in a short time a weird sort of comradery they began to have even in the moments they seemed frustrated with each other-kind of like those two old guys on the muppets. As the days passed and I began to greet my dads neighbor each day I visited i began to enjoy his rantings about the people who wouldn't get him cigarettes and the nurses who didn't answer the bell. He asked what I did for a job and I told him about the mission. He asked how long I had been a missionary and I began to tell him a little bit about it. He said he used to believe in God but was now an atheist. I told him he wasn't an atheist because I had heard him a few days earlier yelling our bible verses. He said God took his wife from him and that was why he was an atheist. I very boldly told him that he wasn't an atheist but that he was just mad at God and I have been mad at him too but the good thing is God still loved him and never gives up on him. He said maybe but for now he doesn't believe and I told him I was lucky to meet him. As I pulled the curtain back I saw my parents giggling with each other at their bold child. Dad says you would always say anything to anyone. I said God puts us in places and spaces always for His purpose dad. Dads roommate wanted me to give him information about the mission so today I brought in our pamphlet. He quietly read the pages reading about what God was doing there and later told me that I should hand these out to everyone I meet because it looks like such a great place. He wants to know more about what we do and what we need and how can he help us out. I look forward to seeing my dads roommate now and have only a few days left as he moves out on Friday but I am grateful to God for sorting out my attitude of frustration and making me see that its all about Him.
This JESUS FREAK journey has been especially interesting for me the last three weeks and although I am not sharing the details about my dads journey with you until he okays it I will simply say I have realized in a big way that the largest part of this journey for me has been forgetting about me and the things in this life that "frustrate" me and realizing that every situation, moment, minute, person or place is an opportunity to seek God in it. When I learn to do this in EVERYTHING on this journey I wont ever have to look for my FREAK again. Thanks for reading , praying for my dad and loving a man you may never get to meet.
I left that evening frustrated and concerned for my dad and the next day got a nudge that perhaps I should find out about this man on the other side of the curtain. After introducing himself I found out his whole life story in one half hour he decided to share with me including the reason why he was in the hospital.I could tell by the way the nurses were engaging with him that he was quite a character and he revealed a little bit of that to us too. He said he felt sorry for my dad with that bad cough of his and hoped they could do something about it for him-he figured he must have pneumonia (diagnosed because of his history of being in the hospital many times just like dad) I now saw in a short time a weird sort of comradery they began to have even in the moments they seemed frustrated with each other-kind of like those two old guys on the muppets. As the days passed and I began to greet my dads neighbor each day I visited i began to enjoy his rantings about the people who wouldn't get him cigarettes and the nurses who didn't answer the bell. He asked what I did for a job and I told him about the mission. He asked how long I had been a missionary and I began to tell him a little bit about it. He said he used to believe in God but was now an atheist. I told him he wasn't an atheist because I had heard him a few days earlier yelling our bible verses. He said God took his wife from him and that was why he was an atheist. I very boldly told him that he wasn't an atheist but that he was just mad at God and I have been mad at him too but the good thing is God still loved him and never gives up on him. He said maybe but for now he doesn't believe and I told him I was lucky to meet him. As I pulled the curtain back I saw my parents giggling with each other at their bold child. Dad says you would always say anything to anyone. I said God puts us in places and spaces always for His purpose dad. Dads roommate wanted me to give him information about the mission so today I brought in our pamphlet. He quietly read the pages reading about what God was doing there and later told me that I should hand these out to everyone I meet because it looks like such a great place. He wants to know more about what we do and what we need and how can he help us out. I look forward to seeing my dads roommate now and have only a few days left as he moves out on Friday but I am grateful to God for sorting out my attitude of frustration and making me see that its all about Him.
This JESUS FREAK journey has been especially interesting for me the last three weeks and although I am not sharing the details about my dads journey with you until he okays it I will simply say I have realized in a big way that the largest part of this journey for me has been forgetting about me and the things in this life that "frustrate" me and realizing that every situation, moment, minute, person or place is an opportunity to seek God in it. When I learn to do this in EVERYTHING on this journey I wont ever have to look for my FREAK again. Thanks for reading , praying for my dad and loving a man you may never get to meet.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Sunday morning at R.A.W- Why Easter Sunday has never been more messy or more wonderful.
Picked up the donuts (making sure George has a boston cream), check, got the grape juice and bread, check, got the blank cheques, check and the copy of "its Friday but Sundays comin'" video from Marion double check.
Arrive to two bags of garbage that the mice have been enjoying for their Easter weekend dinner, front window that had been egged and a great fear that we had run out of whitener but with a very quick and inappropriate prayer we found some.
Quickly set up the coffee, Hannah fills the water, open the door and let George in so he can turn the closed sign to open and inspect the doughnuts. Write on our sandwich board sign "He has Risen! Happy Easter!" and get George to place it out front so as he says "so people know what the hell your doin in here!"
Watch Sandy come from Marion's car across the street with a home made quiche in her hands so excited to share another one of her Sunday morning creations with us." Its too hot right now just took it out the oven but get me a knife and we can cut it so everyone can try" Marion is back from Africa so we try to quickly get an update but decide later would be better.
Murray rides by on his bike -we pray he parks - and he does and comes in .
Two friends we haven't seen in a while come with two neighborhood girls they mentor from their city kids route, excited to celebrate Easter.
Lorna is late I run around the corner to her apartment and knock on the door to her husband John half a sleep saying I let her know its church. They show up later together (his first time celebrating with her and all of us on a Sunday)
Jessica comes too-nice to see her I love connecting with her at bible study Wednesday mornings. Anne and our mascot Riley brought some deviled eggs to share.
We pray together sitting in our circle of friends and begin. Worship God through singing , scripture reading, communion, lots of broken conversations around the room about the bread and body and juice ( George saying he will never get drunk on this much), many heads peeking in from the street curious to see what we are doing and enjoying the coffee and quiche (Bobby bringing in one of the "girls" off the corner to eat for a moment before she heads back out) silence together in reflection interrupted by giggles and gas and God, sharing around the room about what Easter is for each of us or the impact of the cross. An idea Sandy wanted to implement from Alpha about filling in a blank cheque signed by God for all our sins paid in full an idea that got all of us involved together-even George carefully folded his and gently placed it into his t-shirt pocket as delicately as I have ever seen him touch something-it struck him in a way that he couldn't verbalize but I could clearly see forced him to see the sacredness of that blank cheque that had been paid for him.
more music, group prayer, going over first the list of answered prayers from the previous Sundays as we celebrated Gods answers and also continued prayer for His will and for new prayer for one another.
I love the excitement of following our prayer list week after week and being able to reflect on the journey God has all of us on. I love that every week George prays for Sandy to continue to do well and to be well. I simply love the personal prayer time for each other, I soak in that I love it.
With everyone decided we were finished-there is no set time except for starting and I guess Easter is as good as any to go "longer" a few hours together, Marion shares her pictures of her Africa missions trip, answering many questions from our friends, Sandy finally getting to see our daughters wedding pictures, More music requests from those who still want to dance and worship so we play more while George goes on coffee clean up since all the food is gone. He complains under his breathe that if they don't come to church they shouldn't be able to eat and then looks up at me and says " I know Mrs.Graham (his affectionate name for me) God loves all of them" I smile because this was a messy, interrupted, loud, inappropriate at times, crazy , wonderful, blessed morning to celebrate Easter, The resurrection of our Saviour, with all of us who need to remember that its in the mess that the miracles come. Oh what a miracle morning that was. Praise you Lord. Thank-you R.A.W (Real people awesome God worship) you have restored my spirit.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
recipe to finding your spirit
I was on a road trip recently to Holland..........Holland, Michigan. What started off as a weekend to reconnect with a friend turned in to reconnecting with my spirit. I drove Toms big truck there-scared me to death but I did it and it helped that I had the best navigator and friend in the world who not only told me what direction to go next but was a willing ear for a 5 in a half hour drive. I didn't know I needed to talk to someone but God always knows and being stuck together in a truck for that long lends to the perfect therapy "session". The drive was great in fact we made it in great time-mostly due to the wonderful drivers ahead of me who were speeding which allowed me to tag along. I couldn't wait to get there because I thought it would be great to not have any agenda and to talk some situations through on my faith journey. Our friend in Holland has a spirit that somehow understands mine and that is a great relief because not everyone does. When I met her four years ago I knew instantly that my journey with God wasn't a lonely one anymore because the craziness that I felt all that JESUS FREAK she understood without my trying to explain it. She is now the pastor of a wonderful church in Holland and when we listened to her preach that weekend you could just sense she was such at home there in front of all those people loving God the way she does and letting the Holy Spirit speak through her. I love that. I think about times like that and I always imagine God smiling the way a proud parent does.
When we arrived at her house I exhaled in comfort and ease even before we stepped in. Her front porch was so inviting and her home screamed "welcome". I could tell you how beautiful the space was but it had nothing to do with any fancy furniture or decor but a warmth and calm and spirit of peace. SO many places to sit and be still. To dive into scripture or prayer. To talk and laugh. To play and stretch. To take of the earth and create and enjoy. Green tea with honey, cats who enjoyed my slippers as much as I did, long games of snakes and ladders, learning to make guacamole,meeting great people, helping to create other great meals that nourished in stead of filled up, listening to music being played by my navigator and friend who didn't know I could hear it, reading and thinking and walking and being. Oh did I need this weekend and oh do I want to bring Tom here too. I feel like this was one of those God-planned stops on this JESUS FREAK journey of mine that had all the ingredients needed to find my spirit there-the parts that had been muffled by work and t.v and the enemy and most of all myself. When we left on Monday I wasn't sad although I do miss her instead I felt like her home was so much of what I needed but never wanted me to love it more than where I came from just simply wanted to make me better for returning. selfless place that nurtures your spirit but wants you to be free to continue your journey with God or in my case my JESUS FREAK journey. A space and a place and a spirit that wants you better not to keep you to itself but to equip you to be better for the sake of the KINGDOM. I was excited to reconnect with Tom and my family wanting to share this great experience. My navigator(and friend) and I left being better for the experiences there. I asked her what 3 things did she learn or experience on our weekend and it lent to a great discussion on our long ride home which included some great music and singing too. I learned 3 things too. A recipe for my spirit I would like to share with you:
When we arrived at her house I exhaled in comfort and ease even before we stepped in. Her front porch was so inviting and her home screamed "welcome". I could tell you how beautiful the space was but it had nothing to do with any fancy furniture or decor but a warmth and calm and spirit of peace. SO many places to sit and be still. To dive into scripture or prayer. To talk and laugh. To play and stretch. To take of the earth and create and enjoy. Green tea with honey, cats who enjoyed my slippers as much as I did, long games of snakes and ladders, learning to make guacamole,meeting great people, helping to create other great meals that nourished in stead of filled up, listening to music being played by my navigator and friend who didn't know I could hear it, reading and thinking and walking and being. Oh did I need this weekend and oh do I want to bring Tom here too. I feel like this was one of those God-planned stops on this JESUS FREAK journey of mine that had all the ingredients needed to find my spirit there-the parts that had been muffled by work and t.v and the enemy and most of all myself. When we left on Monday I wasn't sad although I do miss her instead I felt like her home was so much of what I needed but never wanted me to love it more than where I came from just simply wanted to make me better for returning. selfless place that nurtures your spirit but wants you to be free to continue your journey with God or in my case my JESUS FREAK journey. A space and a place and a spirit that wants you better not to keep you to itself but to equip you to be better for the sake of the KINGDOM. I was excited to reconnect with Tom and my family wanting to share this great experience. My navigator(and friend) and I left being better for the experiences there. I asked her what 3 things did she learn or experience on our weekend and it lent to a great discussion on our long ride home which included some great music and singing too. I learned 3 things too. A recipe for my spirit I would like to share with you:
- Gods story never gets old. One night our friend opened her home to 6 more people that were strangers to me. She asked me to tell the story of the mission and God in my life and although fear told me to be careful how much you tell so you don't bore these people-my spirit reminded me how great a work He has done in me and where I have come from. I needed to hear it again. I needed to have a flood of emotion overcome me with the awesomeness of God and how there is nothing He cant do. My spirit needed to hear it and I needed to share it. It lit a flame in me.it reminded me that whatever overwhelms me I needed to give it to Him because He always knows whats best for me. I loved reminding the others in the room about His awesomeness too, sometimes we all forget.
- Focusing on God will never be time lost. Spending the time reading, napping, praying being still for God was wonderful. I needed to see that it is not a waste of time or that time is not always to be filled DOING something. Sometimes just being in the stillness with Him is the when you hear Him the loudest and when all the things He was trying to say before can make it through now because there is no, t.v, meetings, e-mails,phone calls,laundry, cleaning, appointments,etc etc etc. I learned that I can do that here too and I should because I am better because of it.
- learn to cook. I always tell people I cannot cook and that is partially true but more so I didn't ever take the time to really try and I was afraid of failing when i did . When we took the good things of the earth created by God and chopped, grated, stirred, laughed, HELPED,prayed, created, took chances and from all of that nourished our bodies with goodness and not gluttony (something I struggled with) my spirit was alive with hope and community and faith. Try something new with Gods creations on the earth and if you already do that invite someone to create with you its an incredible experience.
Have you lost a little bit of your spirit? GO and find it. Tell Gods story in your life to someone so you can hear it out loud, take some time to be still with Him and go create with all the goodness He has given us and ask someone to join you. I woke up today and bought some ingredients to make soup and to make dinner for tonight. The soup was delicious and I shared it with Hannah and I cant wait to make dinner later with her and ignite my spirit again. Thank you my friends for this weekend and thank you to all the friends I got to meet and thank-you for my husband Tom for giving me to space to go but most of all thanks be to God for all He has for us in this world, A world that has all the ingredients to help us create goodness and love and community and grace and to get our JESUS FREAK on!
Monday, January 28, 2013
Stepping out of the boat and into the FREAK
When we arrived at the mission on Sunday i found myself feeling much the same as I did that March day in 2005 when we first opened the HHSM storefront . Excited for the opportunity to serve God despite the fact that we had no idea what we were doing. It was amazing! No clue what was about to happen and yet totally open to whatever God wanted. Sunday was like that. Something that had been stirring in our hearts for sometime now was now about to happen and again we had no clue what the plan was only that we were willing to step out even at the risk of being wrong,
"aren't you doing church already? Haven't you been doing church for the last 10 years? So what are you waiting for?" Oh what a relief it was to hear that from someone else out loud the voice I have been hearing for some time in my heart. So we decided that Sunday was going to be it-we were going to have church down at the mission with our friends if they will come. If they didn't We would still do it-remember willing to be wrong, crazy, rebellious all of that but simply willing. I have to admit we had avoided it fo r so long for many reasons; we aren't pastors, what would our church community say, would we risk looking like anti-traditional church people , would people understand. Notice that all of these questions and concerns had everything to do with the "world" and nothing to do with God. How did we get here? As a part of my Jesus FREAK journey I was worried this very thing would happen, my hesitation to God out of fear for what people would say. When 10 years ago we(my Jesus friend and I) first stepped out to meet people on the street to hand out clothes and talk about Jesus MANY people though we were crazy-including Tom but I went anyway. When Tom joined the team and I felt God sending us to have a storefront in the Barton st community and we signed a lease with no money to back it up people said we were irresponsible, crazy and selfish but we did it anyway. When I tried to manage a full time job and be at the mission too and had to make a decision between the two because there want enough time for both and I choose the mission with no pay no pension no benefits \MANY people thought I was crazy, irresponsible,selfish, rebellious but I did it anyway. Crazy, FREAKY Jesus FREAKY.
Through each of those decisions I focused on one thing only-Gods voice. I am glad I didn't take the advice of anyone else because as crazy and difficult as this journey has been and continues to be I am exactly where He needs me to be and my life has never been more blessed. We never had a business/mission or church plan just a crazy notion that God would never leave us even if we were wrong,He would pick us back up and give us the grace to continue.
Starting church at the mission was no different. No plan, but we did print out some words to a few worship songs we liked and asked our friend John to come and talk to our friends about God. We made coffee and brought donuts and sat together with 5 of our friends in a circle with 2 more stopping to listen grab a coffee and flee and listened together from God word. Question's were asked in the comfort of friends and requests were made and advice was given. Church. Simple and wonderful. Why had it taken so long? Perhaps it had to. Perhaps God was waiting for us to grow a little more or perhaps our fear prolonged it. Whatever the reason it is here now-church on Sunday at the mission,Simple and wonderful. Not sure whats going to happen next Sunday but we do know we will be there to make coffee and listen to the Word and be with our friends. This I think was the FREAK I had been searching for.The funny thing was it was right here all along-God was just waiting for me to trust Him again like all those other times before.
Thanks for following on this crazy messy journey with me.
"aren't you doing church already? Haven't you been doing church for the last 10 years? So what are you waiting for?" Oh what a relief it was to hear that from someone else out loud the voice I have been hearing for some time in my heart. So we decided that Sunday was going to be it-we were going to have church down at the mission with our friends if they will come. If they didn't We would still do it-remember willing to be wrong, crazy, rebellious all of that but simply willing. I have to admit we had avoided it fo r so long for many reasons; we aren't pastors, what would our church community say, would we risk looking like anti-traditional church people , would people understand. Notice that all of these questions and concerns had everything to do with the "world" and nothing to do with God. How did we get here? As a part of my Jesus FREAK journey I was worried this very thing would happen, my hesitation to God out of fear for what people would say. When 10 years ago we(my Jesus friend and I) first stepped out to meet people on the street to hand out clothes and talk about Jesus MANY people though we were crazy-including Tom but I went anyway. When Tom joined the team and I felt God sending us to have a storefront in the Barton st community and we signed a lease with no money to back it up people said we were irresponsible, crazy and selfish but we did it anyway. When I tried to manage a full time job and be at the mission too and had to make a decision between the two because there want enough time for both and I choose the mission with no pay no pension no benefits \MANY people thought I was crazy, irresponsible,selfish, rebellious but I did it anyway. Crazy, FREAKY Jesus FREAKY.
Through each of those decisions I focused on one thing only-Gods voice. I am glad I didn't take the advice of anyone else because as crazy and difficult as this journey has been and continues to be I am exactly where He needs me to be and my life has never been more blessed. We never had a business/mission or church plan just a crazy notion that God would never leave us even if we were wrong,He would pick us back up and give us the grace to continue.
Starting church at the mission was no different. No plan, but we did print out some words to a few worship songs we liked and asked our friend John to come and talk to our friends about God. We made coffee and brought donuts and sat together with 5 of our friends in a circle with 2 more stopping to listen grab a coffee and flee and listened together from God word. Question's were asked in the comfort of friends and requests were made and advice was given. Church. Simple and wonderful. Why had it taken so long? Perhaps it had to. Perhaps God was waiting for us to grow a little more or perhaps our fear prolonged it. Whatever the reason it is here now-church on Sunday at the mission,Simple and wonderful. Not sure whats going to happen next Sunday but we do know we will be there to make coffee and listen to the Word and be with our friends. This I think was the FREAK I had been searching for.The funny thing was it was right here all along-God was just waiting for me to trust Him again like all those other times before.
Thanks for following on this crazy messy journey with me.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Removing the noise to hear from my God
That's my "resolution " this year- to remove more of the noise to hear from my God. Yes I need to loose some weight, exercise, eat better, get more organized, be nicer to people, learn to cook, learn to put on foundation(crazy i know but something I have never learned so one day...) remember birthdays, and the list could go on and on. The reality is that none of these will really matter in the long run if they all become more noise and a barrier to God.
All of these things (okay maybe not the foundation part) can help me to become a better person to the world at large. I also believe they can also become incorporated into my life on a spiritual level that actually enhances my journey with God in fact in the past I tried to lie about my motives going into the new year with that logic. "I am going to loose weight not just by dieting but by praying while I do it or following a "christian diet program" lol! "I will live a healthier lifestyle because I will read scripture that talks about what God expects of us when it comes to body image and this temple He gave us" " I will be more organized and remember things like birthdays and be more aware of the people in my life whom i tend to forget about in my day to day routine by listening to sermons about relationships." There is a central theme here, yet year after year I miss the obvious of what the real issue is that will bring together all of these "resolutions" and save me from the inevitable of week 9 when I realize I am defeated in all these areas and just do not have the will power to succeed, so stop it all. The theme is the Word of God.
Why do I think that a diet that is based on scripture will work any differently than any of the other diets I have been on my whole life if scripture reading isn't a part of my daily worship to God? Why do I think that I will be more organized and have better relationships by simply focusing on sermons that talk about only those themes when again I don't devote the time daily to connect with my God in prayer to get to know Him better? I am offered advice from people who talk about living a balanced lifestyle but are we really supposed to have a balanced lifestyle or is it really supposed to be unbalanced in favor of relationship with God? If I start removing all the noise like turning on the T.V before opening my bible, or spending as much time in prayer as I do on Facebook internet or phone wont the imbalance actually reveal itself to be the best balance my life has ever had? Would being in a deeper relationship with God be exactly what I have needed all along and eliminate this need to set up resolutions year after year that if I am honest were never spiritual goals in the first place but goals that would make it more comfortable for me to be in the world.
I know God wants me to be healthy in my body but not because I need to be a certain size or have a tight butt, its because a healthy body helps with a healthy mind and this temple he gave me is something I need to look after. God would never want me to put my family through my dieting days that caused misery for all of us and strife in our home or that I was so focused on that exercise routine but I had n time left with my husband or family. There was never anything good or godly about my behaviors trust me. I cant help but think that getting my JESUS FREAK back and connecting more with God would eliminate alot of the reasons why I might turn to food or overindulge in the first place, because I can remove myself from the equation and fill the space with God instead. God wants me to be organized and remember the things that help me have better relationships with people but not because I am punishing myself for not doing it perfectly or running around like a crazy person trying to be everything to everyone. I have to believe that a deeper relationship with God will effect all my relationships including discerning which ones may be unhealthy for my life or the life of my family. It can only enrich the ones that are good and even if I don't remember a birthday the relationship would still be okay because my heart would be open for people to really see Jesus within me and the importance of cards may not really seem important at all ( I wonder how many birthday cards Jesus wrote to his friends) . I am not saying that they are unimportant I just think if I am the most amazing card giver in the world but have a crappy relationship with God who cares?
My resolution is to remove more of the noise to hear from more of my God so that I can become a better person even if I am "fluffier" than the world says I should be or even when I am not so organized and a birthday goes by and even if I never learn to wear that foundation stuff. My prayer is that the only foundation I will be worried about is the one I have in Him so that all the expectations the world has of me will be nothing but a part of my testimony I can laugh about later. Please help keep me accountable on this journey and thanks for following.
All of these things (okay maybe not the foundation part) can help me to become a better person to the world at large. I also believe they can also become incorporated into my life on a spiritual level that actually enhances my journey with God in fact in the past I tried to lie about my motives going into the new year with that logic. "I am going to loose weight not just by dieting but by praying while I do it or following a "christian diet program" lol! "I will live a healthier lifestyle because I will read scripture that talks about what God expects of us when it comes to body image and this temple He gave us" " I will be more organized and remember things like birthdays and be more aware of the people in my life whom i tend to forget about in my day to day routine by listening to sermons about relationships." There is a central theme here, yet year after year I miss the obvious of what the real issue is that will bring together all of these "resolutions" and save me from the inevitable of week 9 when I realize I am defeated in all these areas and just do not have the will power to succeed, so stop it all. The theme is the Word of God.
Why do I think that a diet that is based on scripture will work any differently than any of the other diets I have been on my whole life if scripture reading isn't a part of my daily worship to God? Why do I think that I will be more organized and have better relationships by simply focusing on sermons that talk about only those themes when again I don't devote the time daily to connect with my God in prayer to get to know Him better? I am offered advice from people who talk about living a balanced lifestyle but are we really supposed to have a balanced lifestyle or is it really supposed to be unbalanced in favor of relationship with God? If I start removing all the noise like turning on the T.V before opening my bible, or spending as much time in prayer as I do on Facebook internet or phone wont the imbalance actually reveal itself to be the best balance my life has ever had? Would being in a deeper relationship with God be exactly what I have needed all along and eliminate this need to set up resolutions year after year that if I am honest were never spiritual goals in the first place but goals that would make it more comfortable for me to be in the world.
I know God wants me to be healthy in my body but not because I need to be a certain size or have a tight butt, its because a healthy body helps with a healthy mind and this temple he gave me is something I need to look after. God would never want me to put my family through my dieting days that caused misery for all of us and strife in our home or that I was so focused on that exercise routine but I had n time left with my husband or family. There was never anything good or godly about my behaviors trust me. I cant help but think that getting my JESUS FREAK back and connecting more with God would eliminate alot of the reasons why I might turn to food or overindulge in the first place, because I can remove myself from the equation and fill the space with God instead. God wants me to be organized and remember the things that help me have better relationships with people but not because I am punishing myself for not doing it perfectly or running around like a crazy person trying to be everything to everyone. I have to believe that a deeper relationship with God will effect all my relationships including discerning which ones may be unhealthy for my life or the life of my family. It can only enrich the ones that are good and even if I don't remember a birthday the relationship would still be okay because my heart would be open for people to really see Jesus within me and the importance of cards may not really seem important at all ( I wonder how many birthday cards Jesus wrote to his friends) . I am not saying that they are unimportant I just think if I am the most amazing card giver in the world but have a crappy relationship with God who cares?
My resolution is to remove more of the noise to hear from more of my God so that I can become a better person even if I am "fluffier" than the world says I should be or even when I am not so organized and a birthday goes by and even if I never learn to wear that foundation stuff. My prayer is that the only foundation I will be worried about is the one I have in Him so that all the expectations the world has of me will be nothing but a part of my testimony I can laugh about later. Please help keep me accountable on this journey and thanks for following.
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