Gods Word,people pleasing and reclaiming the word "shit"

Gods word. I need to know it better i need to soak in it. Of all the "issues" i think I have to deal with in life I know most of them arise due to the fact that I do not Taste chew and swallow Gods word. I heard something interesting today that there are 3 main reasons that people read scripture: for intellectual reasons-so they can "know" more and recite more and become more knowledgeable, for good advice-when we have problems we look to it for answers and to make ourselves feel better. I have done all these things in fact i would have to say if I am honest that that would be the majority of the reasons why I go to Gods word. I wish this was not true but if i am going to learn anything on this journey I've go to be honest. I want to go to Gods word to be closer to Him to learn more about Him and to feed on His word so that my life begins to reflect His word. That's what i want.But how to i achieve this? Do we ever achieve this? Has anyone ever really figured out Gods true plan for their life and lived it out as He would want them to?
                   There are many things i know that i have in my life that God is not impressed with-that's putting it mildly and I also know there are things about me that He is pleased with. I know I am not where I should be but as they say " I am not where i used to be" and I hope that every year I continue to grow and be better but I want that to be because i want my life to be good and pleasing to God not other people.  think that's harder than we would admit. 
                                          I know we all profess to be people who don't care what others think about us but we are liars.I have thought about a lot of my journey lately and realized that a lot of the "traps" i feel like i am stuck in on my faith journey have a lot to do with not making a certain move because it will make someone feel uncomfortable or i may disappoint someone.I hate that it even crosses my mind to give a shit what other people might think about my next move in my journey with God. (P.S my Dutch friend said SHIT is not a swear word it is something animals do on a farm and although i am not nor have ever been a farmer i am taking the word SHIT to express myself and feel it is okay because my Dutch friend -who is more like Jesus than most people I have met-said its okay) Every inch of who I am screams against the concept of doing or not doing something because someone else might be uncomfortable with it or it may not be what they would do-so why is it okay on my journey with God? The more i think about it the concept screams of ridiculous MORE when referring to my journey with God because it really is so personal. SO why do i do this? I wish i had the answer but more important;y i wish i had  more FREAK to not care and to be bold for JESUS like i tell everyone else to do. Maybe i just need practice again. 9 years ago i did many things that made my family,workplace,friends very uncomfortable when i first met JESUS so why is it that i even think about how anyone feels now about a decision that may not make sense or be okay for everyone else? If you have any advice let me know.
                                       Baby steps-that's the plan. Baby steps. My FREAK (SPIRIT) is right here in me and i feel like i need to release it before it dims out and i become an 80 year old "Christian" who uses the title but no one knows why. Baby steps. Gods word to give me strength,remind me of who i really am and to take root in HIS plan for me. Not MY plan,not my communities plan,not the missions plan, not my friends plan and yes not even my churches plan but GODS plan. I am not going to find it until i reclaim His word. Continue to keep me accountable all of you who have done so thus far. I love and appreciate all of you. Oh and from a previous blog you will be happy to know i cancelled 3 things this past week to spend more time with one of Gods most important plans for my life-my family. It wasn't easy but best decisions i could have made.

*****On a less serious note-not sure why the typing has changed style throughout this blog-great effect but not on purpose. Need to find out how i did that,See learning new things everyday.**** 
Continue on the journey -its a beautiful mess indeed!       

Do we really believe it?

Do we really believe what we say we believe? You know REALLY believe? I met with a friend of mine for tea this week, shes a part of this Jesus FREAK plan of mine to hold me accountable on the journey and for me to keep her accountable on her own journey. When we meet we give each other challenges,listen to each others journeys and dream about the day that we really harness the holy spirit power inside of us and what our world would look like if we did. This time the challenge was using the power of Gods word through scripture, harnessing the Holy Spirit and praying scripture out loud as a weapon for our lives and the lives of others. It was incredible.There is something about meeting with someone else who wants to walk beside you on a journey and has no interest in anything else but being completely honest about this difficult journey with God in the world. Someone who calls you out to be and do better for your life because GOD deserves it. LOVE LOVE LOVE!
                         We talked alot about something we whisper about in church-the holy spirit. Except when we said it there was power in it "The HOLY SPIRIT" inside of us that created the whole universe -we have that inside of us yet we stay so small and wonder why mountains aren't moving in our lives. Particularly for woman we carry so much guilt worry and shame with us that we cant even see straight sometimes. What we forget about is the power that God gave us to overcome all of this.We all say we have the spirit of God inside of us but who cares if we don't ever harness it. Why does it matter if we say the words but don't use what God gave us to create change in our lives and the lives of others? Does it really matter if we know the words or say the words? I don't think it does.I think any of what we believe really matters if we don't do anything about it and i think in particular the holy spirit  power we have is something i want to look into further. Could you imagine what would happen if we tapped into Gods power in us daily and went into the world. Took all our garbage out and made room for the spirit to breathe-wow that would be awesome!
                  I think that's the very thing that God wants for His children. I think he longs for the days when we wake up in the morning and look at ourselves and love every inch that we see in the mirror,when we greet our spouses with love and thanks for who they are and how they have made our life richer. When we send our children to bed every night with no doubt that they are loved beyond measure, when everyone who comes in contact with us feels better about who they are when we decide to love ourselves in order to send a healthy person in to the world to reflect Gods love onto others. I want that. I no longer want to wish for that but i want to do my best everyday to have that. I am grateful for the people in my life who will make me accountable and help me achieve that. Maybe this journey isn't about finding my FREAK. Maybe i already have it inside me. My Spirit is the FREAK and instead of looking for it i need to harness it.
                 On this journey i hope to not only find my FREAK (or harness the spirit) but have everyone around me benefit from it. I hope to be the mother with children who know they are loved like crazy, a wife whose husband feels like he's the greatest guy in the world and that when i go into the world my foot print is one of grace love and mercy. Oh this will be tough but i love that there are people who love me enough to keep me accountable.I don't want to just say the words anymore I want to live them . Here we go........... \Oh Lord I really need you.

Is it possible to be too busy for God doing Gods work?

I know this may sound like a strange question-" Can we be too busy for God doing Gods work?" But i seriously wonder if this may be part of my problem. As I looked at my schedule for this week i was excited about seeing all the great things going on at HHSM and thought how pleasing to God it will be when all of these "events" happen. Thinking of how many people will be blessed by each event. Then I thought for a moment about all the juggling i am trying to do with meetings, family,friends and prepping for speaking engagements and just the day to day stuff we all do, I wondered if all this "God stuff" was actually keeping me from God.
                          The idea of accomplishing all these tasks has left me with little room to just sit with God and be with Him,listen to Him. Perhaps that's an element to this FREAK journey that is one of my biggest stumbling blocks-too much God "stuff" but not enough GOD. The challenge i find though is trying to figure out what to remove from the list. Clearly God needs to be first-or at least thats what I say but am i really going to take away those moments created to bless others in the community that leave me with a great sense of accomplishment or dare i say pride!?! As i wrestled with this before the sun came up i can to a humbling realization. I think i drop God from my schedule but try to justify it by doing " God stuff" like somehow He wont notice that i have dismissed Him for my personal gratification of watching others be blessed.
                     I dont think i should cancel everything going on this week-in fact i am still very excited about it and i think thats ok. BUT i really think this journey i am on has caused me to realize that during the seasons of busyness that we all have in our culture that causes stress and anxiety even the stuff that is really great i think I forgot that need to go to Him first. I know if I go to God first He will supply me with what i need to make it through the busy times and also let me forget about myself in this whole process and allow the blessings to flow where they should flow-straight to Him.  I need to focus on God and everything else will fall into place. I need to stop pretending like all the glory in all I do is for Him and be honest about what glory i secretly take for myself.
                                Despite some of the rearranging i will need to do with some people this week I am confident that making the time for God is where i need to focus no matter how upset people might get. I realize that if i was as worried about pleasing God as i am about many people in my life everything would work out a lot smoother. I think if i shift into this thinking i may find that FREAK sooner than later. I will keep you posted and would appreciate you keeping me accountable.

Bringing God back to church

A little confirmation goes a long way. I think.....no i know I must have really annoyed the person sitting next to me last night with all my "AMEN-ing" i know that's not a word but boy did I AMEN like i haven't amen-ed in a long time. I was at Vertical church last night. I entered my FREAK zone last night.

                     It was standing room only by the time we got started and we were "lucky" to find the seats we did, actually the people we followed out of the elevator ended up going through the back entrance by accident and we were escorted up by ushers. There's the first of many "Amen's" of the night. We ended up at the very top which i just concluded must be better " this is great we are just closer to heaven now" It started off with worship, amazing worship to God but I didn't get any FREAK from it-but it was really good. The chairs we definitely comfy but no Freak from them. The space wow big,clean and beautiful lots of people but still no FREAK. Pastor he was really great I'd listen to him again (i do most mornings)  some sparks but still he didn't bring the FREAK. It was the spirit of God in the room busting through the walls,entering peoples hearts and laying down the law through scripture about the church, all of us in that room - FREAK.

                              Isaiah 64 "Oh , that you would rend the heavens and come down, that the mountains would tremble before you!"   I have read this scripture before in fact Isaiah was one of the first books of scripture that was given to me by God when my JESUS FREAK journey started, but I believe it was brought to my attention last night in such a profound way because of this searching i am doing. I love when scripture comes alive in the spirit and you can no longer even see the person preaching it anymore but just hear the words and feel the spirit in the room.God's holy spirit fire in the room. Oh how glorious that feeling is. This scripture in Isaiah is a passionate cry out to God to tear apart all the barriers church has put up so God can move back in. The God that moves mountains-the things that make us feel small in our life. The God who never said "whisper to me" but we all do that, we whisper our praise to God in song, prayer, lowering our expectations of a God who can move all mountains and deciding to live quiet lives for the Lord. The Holy Spirit power that created the heavens and the earth dwells inside of us yet we area waiting for someone else or something else to step up instead of living out our fullness of who God is. His spirit dwelling within us. This sets people on fire for God. Reminding people who they are called to be. Oh can i get an AMEN!
                        Of course the reality is none of that matters really until we figure out how to bring God back to church. Before churches ever die Gods voice in them dies. If God is moving mountains in the church than things like the band, the brochures, the coffee wont matter anymore-nothing else will matter because the church is supposed to be the place where God is moving mountains. A place where we share the amazing movements of God in our lives and telling each other so that people don't just think God retired and isn't performing miracles anymore. I want to be apart of saving the church, Not just for me or my family but for everyone who stopped or never started because God is waiting to move back in.

                     

Make me a channel of your peace

Today I have not left the house, wait that's a lie i did get the mail and throw out the kitty litter but you get my point. A shower wasn't necessary but now as i sit here writing this i realize after a long day of medication,coughing,napping,e-mail answering and more napping it is definitely time to do that. I did choose to cancel work today,well besides e-mails, and got over the guilt pretty quick i must admit. Whatever this is knocks me out during the day but in a sick joke keeps me up at night. I was grateful for the wonderful woman who replaced me but to be honest the gig wasn't that hard today. It was handing out baked goods to golfers and then enjoy a delicious meal. I was also grateful for our board member who agreed to say the Thank-you speech i was supposed to say. All of this certainly helped with the guilt.

                      Being sick does lend to some interesting reflection time. Of course i started off being excited that i could have a great excuse for watching the few channels we get but the ones we do get are show after show about people throwing up their life on camera and all of us eating it. Gross analogy i know but so true. After being sick of  the judges,the gossip and the "news" I gave up and sat around for a while doing nothing. Which i need to tell you is very difficult to do. My head began to fill up with alot of junk-i know this probably had something to do with all the junk i just exposed myself to-but i couldn't believe how easily it invaded my brain! What i wanted to do was try in some sense to meditate on God and i started to sing this song in my head that i remembered singing in school called "make me a channel of your peace" I used to hate that song-really hate it. |I remember we used to make fun of it when we had to go to mass at school and there was this one teacher who used to blow into this little harmonica thing before we would start and move her finger up and down as if we were going to somehow follow it and make some beautiful sound in a grand choir at the cathedral. What she got were giggles when she blew that thing and exaggerated voices when we would get to the part " so much to be consoled as to CON SOOOOOOOLLLLLLEEE! in this annoying high pitch wail. I feel like i need to find out where that teacher lives now and apologize to her.

                    If you have never heard of that song look it up. It really is great . The words are from ST.Francis of Assisi and i meditated on them for some time this afternoon and gained a real appreciation for them. I love when God does that with memories. He floods back the ones he knows you will need just to show you nothing is a waste.  I found this one by Sinead O'Conner that's great just close your eyes and listen.

On this journey to find my FREAK i love how He uses it all. I think all of these references to the Catholic church, this song,CWL and Mother Theresa are Gods way of reminding me that my Catholic experience probably wasn't as terrible as I used to say. Maybe in all that junk i talk about deep beneath it was still God all the time. I didn't experience the fullness of God because He wasn't there but much like my own life i choose to focus on the junk instead of what was underneath all that pile. No worries I dont think I will be heading back to the Catholic church anytime soon but i have to tell you my roots on God really are there so maybe some more digging may be just what i need on this journey. Wow somewhere my grade 10 religion teacher is hearing the sound of angels singing "AMEN" :)

Thanks for following the journey.

Finding the spark that ignites the FREAK

I had a speaking engagement last night at the C.W.L for those of you that don't know what that is it is the Catholic Woman's League and this group was just one of many around the world. It had been a few years since i was there last time to speak to them. When they last saw me i was still trying to juggle working at the Long term care facility and also at HHSM. I showed up with a cardboard sign and a few homemade print outs of what time the mission was open and i was just excited to get the invite to talk about this crazy thing God is doing.
                    When i arrived there last night i started to put up our fancy sign made by a professional graphics design place and one of the ladies commented how nice it looked. I placed the professionally printed flyers and information about our many programs that now run through the program center and I was feeling really proud of where God has brought this little spark from. I sat in on their meeting that went over their budget and updates. I listened to the list of places they were giving to and joined them in prayer for the problem of Human Trafficking for the victims and for those exploiting them. They talked and prayed about abortion laws,gave updates on the latest news and on the people in their parish who were in need of any kind of help. Some spoke very passionately about the many social justice issues and through thier prayer you could feel the compassion in their hearts pouring out with every word. Above the room was a statue of St. Francis of Assisi  and i might be crazy but i think he was smiling.
                          After their meeting it was my turn. Gladys introduced me and this time it was no longer "she has one new grade nine in the house and a little girl" it was "she has one newly married daughter and a new grade nine in her family" IT was so surreal to me how far and how long it had been. As i got up to speak about he mission with some old faces and some new something really fantastic came over me. I realized that the fancy sign and new pamphlets were great but that as i looked out at the woman listening to my every word the expressions hadn't changed at all since the last time. I saw them nod and smile when ever I mentioned God or Jesus. They had pain in their faces when I spoke about the needs there. They still laughed at my bad jokes. And when i was finished they were so joyful and excited for Gods promises for all of us and I felt like no time had passed. Oh there was more to tell, the numbers were greater, new programs were running, God was really building a community down in the city through HHSM but what remained the same was the fire I was feeling inside my soul. The Holy Spirit fire that i remember consuming me. I felt that again. My spirit was glowing and I knew I was in one of those amazing moments where God wants you to be as a part of His greater plan. Like there is no other place in the world you should be, like a little piece of heaven it seriously felt that good.
                                    When i was finished and they presented me with a thank-you card and donation for HHSM a couple of ladies who had just been presented earlier with flowers for all the work they had done in raising funds for the group came and gave me the flowers and said "thank-you for being uniquely you. |You have a gift of speaking that shows the spirit pouring out of you and listen to |God . He is going to use you." I was breathless, excited and humbled. I knew the "unique" word was used because when the CWL think a missionary is coming I know I am not what they expect but that's why God is so great. I was humbled to hear what i felt was a prophesy of my life and where it may be heading with this speaking "gig" Gods got me on. I was breathless because i could now rest without worry that I may have re-connected with a piece of my FREAK.
                     I guess sometimes to get back  we need to go back. I have been invited to speak in November at two different ladies conferences and I was so excited because they were bigger and I was going to be a main speaker. I am glad God brought me back to the ladies of the CWL and not just because of the amazing carrot cake,which was amazing by the way, but because it was the spark i needed to have ignited before He leads me to the next step to remind me who is in charge and where I found my FREAK in the first place.

Confirmation along the way about this crazy journey

Had a great JESUS FREAK weekend full of great conversations about: life,God,Jesus,hope,confusion,inspiration,scripture,church,pain,faith, purpose,future,church,the kingdom and so much more.We seriously talked about all that stuff starting from Friday night to just now when I left church it has been a full weekend of amazing open honest discussion.

              It all started when Tom and I watched a documentary about existence where someone went around the world and across america to ask people questions about God, religion, morality,faith,purpose etc. We watched as many different people from many different backgrounds and faiths gave a different glimpse into what they think is right or true. I loved when he traveled to India to talk to the many different religions there and we learned alot about groups of people we had made many assumptions about and we saw that there was alot more similarities between us then differences. I know that sounds cliche but it was so true. This led to a dinner "party" on Saturday where we sat down at our house with two very inspiring single mothers and began to talk about this whole journey that I am blogging about. I realized that through all they have to struggle with (much more than me) there roots were really deep in God so much so that they spoke openly about parts of their own journeys.We talked about who people think we (Christians) are in the world, our responsibility to help change that and the people who  we thought we were called to be. Struggles about purpose, meaning and promises of God and scripture.One of those fantastic discussions where you are challenged by someone in love and witness to what  grace can look like- to walk with ease beside someone on a journey whether you agree or disagree with it all.It wasn't some really over the top deep theological confusing discussion but more of a "here's what i have learned" "this is where I think God is calling us too" "oh i remember feeling like that this is how I walked through it". Oh those kinds of dinner conversations are truly a gift. A sense of  feeling a step of   growth on your journey.
                       At church this morning i prayed through the first 2 songs that I was coming in to the space for the right reasons and that I wanted to leave my baggage at the door and be open to the fullness of the experience. I thought that was the right thing to pray about-I guess we never really know at the time if its right-maybe there is no right ans wrong.The truth is I don't really know. But I prayed it anyway hoping to see some shift in my thinking of church as a place where my spirit hasn't felt right for a while-hoping it was selfishness I could pray away and be there for the right reasons. And then it happened. As church started and the preaching began i felt a sense of relief. Strange to say i know.  It wasn't like i felt this fire ripping through my spirit like a holy ghost invasion but more of a sense that this journey that I am taking myself on with God is okay. The questions i have are not only normal but a good sign that i am on a journey of faith that is leading to something great. I confess that over the last few days i have felt (with some different feedback) that perhaps I needed to be careful what I expose, how something might sound to someone else,that i am aware that I may offend someone. Look if i start going postal on here and screaming "leave the church,God doesn't exist, send me $500 or we are all going to parish in the pits of hell because I am the new messiah" than please call someone, this blog needs to be stopped and tell my children to commit me to a nice quiet place to live out the rest of my days. But seriously. After being re- inspired by the stories of Gods people in scripture, Gods messed up, screwed up people in scripture and re affirming that He can and does use anyone but the screw-ups in particular-all of us I came away with this thought. If the people we read about in the bible had a blog and they wrote down all the feelings they were having and all their struggles and all their fears and questions I think it might look a little like mine sometimes.
                                                             I feel much better now. I feel better about this open, honest,strange crazy, questioning journey I am on with God. I am looking forward to where this is taking me next and maybe along the way I can continue to have great open conversations with people who agree and disagree about it and grow from it all. I guess maybe that's one of Gods point for the church-to challenge and grow with one another that maybe doesn't always look like a nice neat agreement but a difficult beautiful mess sometimes. I am excited to be looking forward to this season of church that is going to allow for a breaking down of scripture and helping us to find ourselves in God story. I am hopeful for a community that we can get uncomfortable with together and watch something magical happen.I felt a little FREAK coming on today but it seems to look a little different than I remember-but I guess it should. I need to keep that in mind.

Oh what a journey oh what a life oh what an amazing God we have!

Great reminder to get my FREAK on today!100huntley.com - Helping Hands Street Ministry--Magdalene John

100huntley.com - Helping Hands Street Ministry--Magdalene John

I wanted to share this video with all of you because I watched it again this morning to set my spirit on fire before going out today. I am humbled by the video but love the reminder of how amazing God is and how he can rebuild anything or anyone.
Hope you have a blessed day and get your FREAK on! :)

No more Mr.Nice Jesus

So what am i really searching for? I realized something today when having some tea on the back porch of a friends house, a tea that turned into a 5 hour conversation about the Kingdom. You don't really start that way. I was really looking forward to the green tea and tarts (which were fabulous by the way) and of course catching up with my friend but didn't plan on talking about the Kingdom but I realize its all about the kingdom. I realized that some of this JESUS FREAK searching might just be about finding where i fit in. I confessed to my friend today that for the first time in my "church" experience (which has only been 9years) i feel like an "alien". Like I am in a place with nice people,nice building,nice music,nice places to serve but that my spirit cant breathe in "nice". It is comfortable,easy,nice.I am in a season where nice frustrates me.

                         I cant say anything bad about my church. Like I said its nice. The people, the building the music the serving opportunities. I don't want nice. i think nice may equal "easy" i don't want "easy". Its funny because other times on my journey when things were going a little easier i liked it. No work,show up,sing songs,take notes and ride the wave.Awesome! Not really, to be honest those were the times when i felt the furthest away from God and Jesus-whos that guy anyway oh he holds my hand and gives me a hug-nice guy.For the past year i have felt that way again. I started to enjoy the comfort a little. We have definitively struggled personally but i loved all the down,easy time with church. I was using this as my escape but it would be short lived. You can only use church for a distraction for so long-then it becomes abuse. I was abusing God i was ignoring Jesus-the Jesus I miss. Not Mr.Nice Jesus but the Jesus from the past who challenged me to be brave,rely on the Father, bring some Kingdom into the world even if its not comfortable. I was sitting in the space but being disconnected hating the "business" of church and missing the challenges of Kingdom life. I wanted to blame the church but its not the churches fault. I sat there saying nothing, enjoying the comfort at first then hating it then blaming the church but its not the churches fault. its mine.I want my FREAK back I want my search for the Kingdom back I want to feel uncomfortable again.

                       I want to be out of the building more than being in the building. I want to be out and expanding the Kingdom.I want to take my tithe sometimes and knock on the door of someone who is struggling and leave a note that doesn't try to get them to attend my church but just says "God loves you". I want to see us gather as a community in the parking lot and sit WITH our children and create cards that tell people the truth about God-that He loves all of us and go as a church and go buy Tim Horton's gift cards or grocery store cards and go to the apartment building across the street and bless the people who live there. Simply having a church in a community doesn't mean people will just show up. The point isn't to bless people so they show up for church but so they can see a small glimpse of the kind of people God expects us to be. People who give without expectation. I find it funny that we all gather together on Sunday and then often gather again during the week but our group looks very similar to Sundays group just smaller. How does that bring more to the kingdom? I want to be a part of a movement that meets as a community but not always in the comfort of a building with nice people nice music nice serving. I want to get back to my JESUS FREAK and I figured out today that the only way to get there is to get dirty in my discipleship again and walk really close behind Him-not waiting for a nice hug but watching closely as He goes out into the not so nice world.

Anyone else on this journey?

back to school JESUS FREAK lessons from my daughter

First I would like to thank my friend Cam for his response to my last blog. I confess I was hoping someone would relieve me of this silly standard I set for myself in my obsession with blogging everyday until I turned 40. I didn't realize that the journey itself would lead me to so many places, people and challenges that the time for blogging wouldn't always come. I appreciate his honesty of wanting to follow a blog that was inspired not just put out to fill necessary blogging time. Thanks for that Cam!

                                           As i go through this journey and challenge myself with new books to read,scripture to look at and people to encounter while finding my FREAK i realized that an amazing lesson in finding my FREAK was right in front of me this whole time. The past few days has been a crazy time of fitting in the "last days" of summer and some worry about the first day of grade nine-perhaps more so from me than my daughter and throughout this time and my personal reflections I noticed a few things in my daughter as she prepared to go to highschool that i needed to take on my own "schooling" journey.
#1 She took the time to prepare. Not just gathering books and paper but talking to us about what it might be like and taking the time to reflect on it. I would watch as she sat thinking about the big day ahead and wondered if I took that same time each day preparing for the next.I know I have lots of books and journals for the journey but how much time am I reflecting and talking to others about what it might be like to find my FREAK again.

#2 she was honest about her fears.  Just laid it all out there for us, her fears of being picked on like in the past, not being able to keep up with the fast pace of the classroom and measuring up to others. Could I be that honest with my own struggles and fears? My daughter is Epileptic and so many of these fears are legitimate concerns about things she cannot control in her life. Most of her bullying in the past stemmed from her illness and the pace of classroom life is something she may always be trying to catch up on. I don't have those issues, most of my fears are based on feeling personally inadequate or not measuring up to this strange standard i set for myself when I first met Jesus. I was so desperate to not be who I was anymore that I forgot who I was-does that makes sense? I feel like I threw the baby out with the bathwater. I discarded all of me including the me that God made to be and didst realize that some of who I was was still ok. Part of this journey I have learned from my daughter is letting people know about my fears and know we all have them.

#3 She stepped out despite her fears. On the morning of her first day of public high school she stepped out the door, fears and all, not know\ing what was going to happen and unsure about the people, the building and everything to do with her day would be unchartered territory. She didn't know if she would have a negative experience or if she could keep up with the others but she stepped outside the door anyway.She only had the promise that God would be watching out for her ( a major part of our prayer for her first day) Thats what I want again! I want to step into each day with no guarantee of goodness but only of the promise that God had it under control. I want to be fearless like my fourteen year old. I want to be bold like her and just 'Go"

 I know not everyday seems like a major step for any of us-first day of school or journey to 40 but i have decided to look at each day like Hannah did on her first day. To prepare with not just tools but surrounded by community, to be honest about my fears and to step out without any promise of a good day but with knowing that no matter what happens God is on my side. I have a new spark for my JESUS FREAK journey thanks to my daughters first day of grade nine. I have decided to watch her more closely and take in the all the wisdom she has to offer me. You know the people i have met in my life that seem to have the most wisdom to offer me are usually too humble to realize it. I made sure she knew it last night before bed.

Thanks for following on my journey I look forward to all the wisdom I can gain from all of you.

Good thing Jesus loves me..... i think I am already failing this task. :)

This JESUS FREAK journey is proving to be harder than I thought. As I write this i realize how silly it sounds that I perhaps thought it would be easy-you know my journey with Jesus-i have so much growing up to do. Obviously I have already failed a big part of my year long blogging journey to find my FREAK simply because I have now missed 2 days of this personal journal writing. Plus some may think I have failed the biggest part of all by the fact that I am writing this as everyone at the church I normally attend is singing worship songs and I am not just late I decided to spend time with Jesus all day today and we will start off here with some of my confessions and then I will be at "church" getting a coffee at the local coffee shop and then walking to the park with my husband to discuss our journeys with Jesus. I thought I would feel guilty . I don't.God said it was ok that I didn't meet to talk to Him in the building-i read it yep in THE BOOK.

                   I am wrestling with something else though. Its with the fact that I get paid for the job I do at the mission. I know my title is Executive Director and believe me I dont make an E.D salary but i still wonder if part of this JESUS FREAK journey for me means getting back to the 5+ years that I did the job with no pay(money that is the rewards and blessings were certainly abundant) yet was filled with Holy spirit fire unending. I also realize that it seems insane for me to suggest that I dont get paid right now since my husband is currently unemployed. But I cannot shake this feeling that if the mission didnt pay me there would be less stress for fundraising. I wondered last night after I prayed if God needs me to release that money so that I can trust more in Him. What if the mission kept my salary and instead I relied on my speaking engagements for whatever blessing God decided? I will let you know how this part of my journey goes but what if my holding on to being paid at the mission is preventing Tom from finding a job? What if God is calling my bluff and really believing what I am relying on Him for?
                                                           Maybe i'm wrong. Maybe the white cheddar popcorn I ate before bed made me crazy but i cant shake this so i wonder is HE trying to tell me something? Am i missing something? Am I really just crazy?I dont know. Just another day in the life of my JESUS FREAK journey.