This JESUS FREAK journey is proving to be harder than I thought. As I write this i realize how silly it sounds that I perhaps thought it would be easy-you know my journey with Jesus-i have so much growing up to do. Obviously I have already failed a big part of my year long blogging journey to find my FREAK simply because I have now missed 2 days of this personal journal writing. Plus some may think I have failed the biggest part of all by the fact that I am writing this as everyone at the church I normally attend is singing worship songs and I am not just late I decided to spend time with Jesus all day today and we will start off here with some of my confessions and then I will be at "church" getting a coffee at the local coffee shop and then walking to the park with my husband to discuss our journeys with Jesus. I thought I would feel guilty . I don't.God said it was ok that I didn't meet to talk to Him in the building-i read it yep in THE BOOK.
I am wrestling with something else though. Its with the fact that I get paid for the job I do at the mission. I know my title is Executive Director and believe me I dont make an E.D salary but i still wonder if part of this JESUS FREAK journey for me means getting back to the 5+ years that I did the job with no pay(money that is the rewards and blessings were certainly abundant) yet was filled with Holy spirit fire unending. I also realize that it seems insane for me to suggest that I dont get paid right now since my husband is currently unemployed. But I cannot shake this feeling that if the mission didnt pay me there would be less stress for fundraising. I wondered last night after I prayed if God needs me to release that money so that I can trust more in Him. What if the mission kept my salary and instead I relied on my speaking engagements for whatever blessing God decided? I will let you know how this part of my journey goes but what if my holding on to being paid at the mission is preventing Tom from finding a job? What if God is calling my bluff and really believing what I am relying on Him for?
Maybe i'm wrong. Maybe the white cheddar popcorn I ate before bed made me crazy but i cant shake this so i wonder is HE trying to tell me something? Am i missing something? Am I really just crazy?I dont know. Just another day in the life of my JESUS FREAK journey.
Loving your blog. It is incredably honest and from the heart and you are brave to be open and sharing this way. Don't worry about posting every day. It is more important that you write when you are moved to write rather than trying to "churn out content" I'd rather read well though out posts periodically anytime.
ReplyDeleteI totally share your thoughts regarding where you spend your "God-time". For me, spending time in the woods, on a trail or watching the sun come up over a lake makes me feel way more connected than I could be in any man-made building.
Good luck with your current struggle. For what it's worth, being that you live the mission 24 - 7 and pour your soul into it, I believe that some compensation for you is completely warranted. Not sure if my opinion or any others matter in your decision making, but I share it nonetheless.
Anyway, thank you for sharing your blog. I look forward to reading more. Enjoy the rest of this beautiful long weekend.
Cam