So what am i really searching for? I realized something today when having some tea on the back porch of a friends house, a tea that turned into a 5 hour conversation about the Kingdom. You don't really start that way. I was really looking forward to the green tea and tarts (which were fabulous by the way) and of course catching up with my friend but didn't plan on talking about the Kingdom but I realize its all about the kingdom. I realized that some of this JESUS FREAK searching might just be about finding where i fit in. I confessed to my friend today that for the first time in my "church" experience (which has only been 9years) i feel like an "alien". Like I am in a place with nice people,nice building,nice music,nice places to serve but that my spirit cant breathe in "nice". It is comfortable,easy,nice.I am in a season where nice frustrates me.
I cant say anything bad about my church. Like I said its nice. The people, the building the music the serving opportunities. I don't want nice. i think nice may equal "easy" i don't want "easy". Its funny because other times on my journey when things were going a little easier i liked it. No work,show up,sing songs,take notes and ride the wave.Awesome! Not really, to be honest those were the times when i felt the furthest away from God and Jesus-whos that guy anyway oh he holds my hand and gives me a hug-nice guy.For the past year i have felt that way again. I started to enjoy the comfort a little. We have definitively struggled personally but i loved all the down,easy time with church. I was using this as my escape but it would be short lived. You can only use church for a distraction for so long-then it becomes abuse. I was abusing God i was ignoring Jesus-the Jesus I miss. Not Mr.Nice Jesus but the Jesus from the past who challenged me to be brave,rely on the Father, bring some Kingdom into the world even if its not comfortable. I was sitting in the space but being disconnected hating the "business" of church and missing the challenges of Kingdom life. I wanted to blame the church but its not the churches fault. I sat there saying nothing, enjoying the comfort at first then hating it then blaming the church but its not the churches fault. its mine.I want my FREAK back I want my search for the Kingdom back I want to feel uncomfortable again.
I want to be out of the building more than being in the building. I want to be out and expanding the Kingdom.I want to take my tithe sometimes and knock on the door of someone who is struggling and leave a note that doesn't try to get them to attend my church but just says "God loves you". I want to see us gather as a community in the parking lot and sit WITH our children and create cards that tell people the truth about God-that He loves all of us and go as a church and go buy Tim Horton's gift cards or grocery store cards and go to the apartment building across the street and bless the people who live there. Simply having a church in a community doesn't mean people will just show up. The point isn't to bless people so they show up for church but so they can see a small glimpse of the kind of people God expects us to be. People who give without expectation. I find it funny that we all gather together on Sunday and then often gather again during the week but our group looks very similar to Sundays group just smaller. How does that bring more to the kingdom? I want to be a part of a movement that meets as a community but not always in the comfort of a building with nice people nice music nice serving. I want to get back to my JESUS FREAK and I figured out today that the only way to get there is to get dirty in my discipleship again and walk really close behind Him-not waiting for a nice hug but watching closely as He goes out into the not so nice world.
Anyone else on this journey?
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