First I would like to thank my friend Cam for his response to my last blog. I confess I was hoping someone would relieve me of this silly standard I set for myself in my obsession with blogging everyday until I turned 40. I didn't realize that the journey itself would lead me to so many places, people and challenges that the time for blogging wouldn't always come. I appreciate his honesty of wanting to follow a blog that was inspired not just put out to fill necessary blogging time. Thanks for that Cam!
As i go through this journey and challenge myself with new books to read,scripture to look at and people to encounter while finding my FREAK i realized that an amazing lesson in finding my FREAK was right in front of me this whole time. The past few days has been a crazy time of fitting in the "last days" of summer and some worry about the first day of grade nine-perhaps more so from me than my daughter and throughout this time and my personal reflections I noticed a few things in my daughter as she prepared to go to highschool that i needed to take on my own "schooling" journey.
#1 She took the time to prepare. Not just gathering books and paper but talking to us about what it might be like and taking the time to reflect on it. I would watch as she sat thinking about the big day ahead and wondered if I took that same time each day preparing for the next.I know I have lots of books and journals for the journey but how much time am I reflecting and talking to others about what it might be like to find my FREAK again.
#2 she was honest about her fears. Just laid it all out there for us, her fears of being picked on like in the past, not being able to keep up with the fast pace of the classroom and measuring up to others. Could I be that honest with my own struggles and fears? My daughter is Epileptic and so many of these fears are legitimate concerns about things she cannot control in her life. Most of her bullying in the past stemmed from her illness and the pace of classroom life is something she may always be trying to catch up on. I don't have those issues, most of my fears are based on feeling personally inadequate or not measuring up to this strange standard i set for myself when I first met Jesus. I was so desperate to not be who I was anymore that I forgot who I was-does that makes sense? I feel like I threw the baby out with the bathwater. I discarded all of me including the me that God made to be and didst realize that some of who I was was still ok. Part of this journey I have learned from my daughter is letting people know about my fears and know we all have them.
#3 She stepped out despite her fears. On the morning of her first day of public high school she stepped out the door, fears and all, not know\ing what was going to happen and unsure about the people, the building and everything to do with her day would be unchartered territory. She didn't know if she would have a negative experience or if she could keep up with the others but she stepped outside the door anyway.She only had the promise that God would be watching out for her ( a major part of our prayer for her first day) Thats what I want again! I want to step into each day with no guarantee of goodness but only of the promise that God had it under control. I want to be fearless like my fourteen year old. I want to be bold like her and just 'Go"
I know not everyday seems like a major step for any of us-first day of school or journey to 40 but i have decided to look at each day like Hannah did on her first day. To prepare with not just tools but surrounded by community, to be honest about my fears and to step out without any promise of a good day but with knowing that no matter what happens God is on my side. I have a new spark for my JESUS FREAK journey thanks to my daughters first day of grade nine. I have decided to watch her more closely and take in the all the wisdom she has to offer me. You know the people i have met in my life that seem to have the most wisdom to offer me are usually too humble to realize it. I made sure she knew it last night before bed.
Thanks for following on my journey I look forward to all the wisdom I can gain from all of you.
Totally there with you Helen! My aunt (who was instrumental in leading me to the Lord) always said "nice" was a bad word. She didn't want to be known for being "nice", but rather for being "good". Doing the nice thing isn't always doing the right thing. Icing is nice, flowers are nice, hugs are nice. People need to be real, genuine, kind, compassionate, sometimes stern (would that be very nice?), and God fearing. As for gathering in the church parking lot... I have had that vision lately about having a huge worship service outside, instead of handing out brochures and tracts (not that tracts aren't a good thing), but SHOWING people the joy we have when we worship. And sharing Christ's love as families, with other families. In fact, I had that same conversation on the phone with somebody today, about parents involving their children in their growth groups, and involving them in ministering to others and outreach. Awesome blog, thanks again!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this. I just think its time to re-think what hasnt been working for a long time and rebuild the trust that we all used to have with the church. Christian has become a bad word and we need to change that which to me means not repeating what we have been doing for years. We need to get back to the church in the book of Acts.
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Hmmm, I don't know why my comment posted on a previous blog post. oh well. Oh... and, it's Corrine. :)
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