It was never really mine to begin with.

A little follow-up from my blog the other day about my dads roommate........

                                   Dads roommate didn't leave on the Friday as we had anticipated but instead left this morning to go back home so it was great to have even a couple of more days to connect with him. The day after writing the first blog about dads roommate I came into the hospital to find him being very quiet , which was pretty rare for him so i assumed he was sleeping. So I didn't disturb him I just sat beside dad and whispered to him about his night. He must have heard Dad and I anyway and yelled "HEY Helen is that you?" I said "yes good morning how are you today?" "alright I guess" he said. The nurse came in to do some blood work with dad so I asked him if I could come to his side of the room while the nurse cares for dad and he said sure. As i entered his side of the room I noticed he had been reading and it was the bible I had left for my dad in his room from the first day he was in hospital three weeks ago. I said " hey I see your enjoying that bible I left for my dad I am glad to see you are talking to God again. " He smiled and looked at me over his glasses and said " Well it was left on my table last night by the nurses so I am giving it a gander again. Is that okay? "Sure it is. You know I received that little bible the day I first gave my life to Jesus.." and he cut me off to say " I know I read the front with the date it was 10 years ago I see all that...... that's good." I smiled and went back to visit with dad. He was quiet for another half an hour, so rare a time for him to be quiet that I check a couple of times-just in case-to make sure he was ok. HE was he was simply talking to his Father again and it made me smile. It made me reflect on the times I was angry with my earthly Father and stopped talking to him only to be made more whole by reconnecting with him again and having him embrace me upon return, just like dads roommate and his heavenly Father.
                     Dads roommate decided to go out later for some "fresh air" and as he scooted by he stopped and said "you know he was approached 3 times by the devil ..I always thought it was once. I am going to ponder that and alot more. Glad to have met you." And out the door he went. I wanted to take the bible back off of his side of the room but just felt like it needed to stay there. Today when I was on my way to visit dad I confess that I had many thoughts going through my head like how dads night went , did he feel any better and if his roommate was there still-just in case he forgot to leave my bible. That bible was important to me because of when I received it on the first day of my rebirth and the day I chose to try again to live but trying it Gods way this time. I kept that bible for all this time and always brought it to places when I felt like there was extra intervention needed from the Holy Spirit like when my dad was first in hospital and on life support-that bible was like my weapon for God and even if all of that was in my head it meant alot to me. I got there too late. Dads roommate was gone and dad was now on his side by the window. I confess again that I looked around for the bible and it was gone and after the moment of frustration washed away I realized how that bible was used as such a great weapon for God against the enemy for dads roommate who told me he was an atheist and stopped believing a long time ago and left reading, pondering and taking that weapon home with him to reconnect with his heavenly father again. I know I say this alot but God is so much bigger than all of us and all of this world and I pray that he may continue to use me and my JESUS FREAK a simple vessel to connect others to Him. I brought that bible in for my dad in his fight for his physical and spiritual life but perhaps Gods plans for that bible were for dads roommate all along.
                         How many times do we lay claim to things -especially personal items like a bible and assume God will only use it for us? That bible was only mine for a season and  already God knew 10 years later I would meet a roommate when my dad was in crisis and use that bible to help save us all in that moment. Thanks for following on my crazy JESUS FREAK journey.

Dads Roommate

It has been an emotional last three weeks as many of you know my dad has been in the hospital battling for his life both physically and spiritually. The details do not matter except I will say that I know for sure any scars we see on the outside are far easier to recover from than the ones we carry on the inside of us all.  He was moved out of the ICU and into a regular ward a few days ago and after being excited about the move knowing he was only getting stronger we realized he would be sharing a room with someone and would no longer have a window of his own and privacy-boy we loose focus on the praises so quickly when our flesh creeps in. Anyway we hoped he would get a room mate who was at least quiet and didn't mind listening to Dads sometimes very powerful cough. As I walked down the hallway towards dads room I could here a man yelling for the nurse to come quickly to his room. He yelled over and over again and as I approached my fathers room I realized it was getting louder and louder because it was my dads roommate who was yelling. I dare not look on the other side of the curtain as I was already upset for my dad who has been having trouble sleeping and now this guy was screaming at  the top of his lungs. Oh and he had a bed that sounded like an air mattress blowing up every 15 minutes or so as well and instead of seeing what he needed I just began to fill with frustration for my dad. A nurse finally came and asked what he needed and the man said cigarettes. CIGARETTES!!!! My dad has been listening to you yell for goodness knows how long because you wanted a cigarette?!?!?!? Needless to say I wasn't getting any more patient about this situation and "Christian" badge of honor was beginning to fall off. Why would God put my dad through all of this and then add this guy to the mix? What is going on? Why cant my dad just get a break in here?
                   I left that evening frustrated and concerned for my dad and the next day got a nudge that perhaps I should find out about this man on the other side of the curtain. After introducing himself I found out his whole life story in one half hour he decided to share with me including the reason why he was in the hospital.I could tell by the way the nurses were engaging with him that he was quite a character and he revealed a little bit of that to us too. He said he felt sorry for my dad with that bad cough of his and hoped they could do something about it for him-he figured he must have pneumonia (diagnosed because of his history of being in the hospital many times just like dad) I now saw in a short time a weird sort of comradery they began to have even in the moments they seemed frustrated with each other-kind of like those two old guys on the muppets. As the days passed and I began to greet my dads neighbor each day I visited i began to enjoy his rantings about the people who wouldn't get him cigarettes and the nurses who didn't answer the bell. He asked what I did for a job and I told him about the mission. He asked how long I had been a missionary and I began to tell him a little bit about it. He said he used to believe in God but was now an atheist. I told him he wasn't an atheist  because I had heard him a few days earlier yelling our bible verses. He said God took his wife from him and that was why he was an atheist. I very boldly told him that he wasn't an atheist but that he was just mad at God and I have been mad at him too but the good thing is God still loved him and never gives up on him. He said maybe but for now he doesn't believe and I told him I was lucky to meet him. As I pulled the curtain back  I saw my parents giggling with each other at their bold child. Dad says you would always say anything to anyone. I said God puts us in places and spaces always for His purpose dad. Dads roommate wanted me to give him information about the mission so today I brought in our pamphlet. He quietly read the pages reading about what God was doing there and later told me that I should hand these out to everyone I meet because it looks like such a great place. He wants to know more about what we do and what we need and how can he help us out. I look forward to seeing my dads roommate now and have only a few days left as he moves out on Friday but I am grateful to God for sorting out my attitude of frustration  and making me see that its all about Him.
                              This JESUS FREAK journey has been especially interesting for me the last three weeks and although I am not sharing the details about my dads journey with you until he okays it I will simply say I have realized in a big way that the largest part of this journey for me has been forgetting about me and the things in this life that "frustrate" me and realizing that every situation, moment, minute, person or place is an opportunity to seek God in it. When I learn to do this in EVERYTHING on this journey I wont ever have to look for my FREAK again. Thanks for reading , praying for my dad and loving a man you may never get to meet.

Sunday morning at R.A.W- Why Easter Sunday has never been more messy or more wonderful.

Picked up the donuts (making sure George has a boston cream), check, got the grape juice and bread, check, got the blank cheques, check and the copy of "its Friday but Sundays comin'" video from Marion double check.

Arrive to two bags of garbage that the mice have been enjoying for their Easter weekend dinner, front window that had been egged and a great fear that we had run out of whitener but with a very quick and inappropriate prayer we found some.

Quickly set up the coffee, Hannah fills the water, open the door and let George in so he can turn the closed sign to open and inspect the doughnuts. Write on our sandwich board sign "He has Risen! Happy Easter!" and get George to place it out front so as he says "so people know what the hell your doin in here!"

Watch Sandy come from Marion's car across the street with a home made quiche in her hands so excited to share another one of her Sunday morning creations with us." Its too hot right now just took it out the oven but get me a knife and we can cut it so everyone can try" Marion is back from Africa so we try to quickly get an update but decide later would be better.

Murray rides by on his bike -we pray he parks - and he does and comes in .

Two friends we haven't seen in a while come with two neighborhood girls they mentor from their city kids route, excited to celebrate Easter.

Lorna is late I run around the corner to her apartment and knock on the door to her husband John half a sleep saying I let her know its church. They show up later together (his first time celebrating with her and all of us on a Sunday)

Jessica comes too-nice to see her I love connecting with her at bible study Wednesday mornings. Anne and our mascot Riley brought some deviled eggs to share.

We pray together sitting in our circle of friends and begin. Worship God through singing , scripture reading, communion, lots of broken conversations around the room about the bread and body and juice ( George saying he will never get drunk on this much), many heads peeking in from the street curious to see what we are doing and enjoying the coffee and quiche (Bobby bringing in one of the "girls" off the corner to eat for a moment before she heads back out) silence together in reflection interrupted by giggles and gas and God, sharing around the room about what Easter is for each of us or the impact of the cross. An idea Sandy wanted to implement from Alpha about filling in a blank cheque signed by God for all our sins paid in full an idea that got all of us involved together-even George carefully folded his and gently placed it into his t-shirt pocket as delicately as I have ever seen him touch something-it struck him in a way that he couldn't verbalize but I could clearly see forced him to see the sacredness of that blank cheque that had been paid for him.

more music, group prayer, going over first the list of answered prayers from the previous Sundays as we celebrated Gods answers and also continued prayer for His will and for new prayer for one another. 

I love the excitement of following our prayer list week after week and being able to reflect on the journey God has all of us on. I love that every week George prays for Sandy to continue to do well and to be well. I simply love the personal prayer time for each other, I soak in that I love it.

With everyone decided we were finished-there is no set time except for starting and I guess Easter is as good as any to go "longer" a few hours together, Marion shares her pictures of her Africa missions trip, answering many questions from our friends, Sandy finally getting to see our daughters wedding pictures, More music requests from those who still want to dance and worship so we play more while George goes on coffee clean up since all the food is gone. He complains under his breathe that if they don't come to church they shouldn't be able to eat and then looks up at me and says " I know Mrs.Graham (his affectionate name for me) God loves all of them" I smile because this was a messy, interrupted, loud, inappropriate at times, crazy , wonderful, blessed morning to celebrate Easter, The resurrection of our Saviour, with all of us who need to remember that its in the mess that the miracles come. Oh what a miracle morning that was. Praise you Lord. Thank-you R.A.W (Real people awesome God worship) you have restored my spirit.