Seeing a reflection of myself

At work today I was visited by two woman that I haven't seen in about 2 years. I was happy to see they were both well-despite the fact that one suffered a heart attack a year ago and the other has suffered the loss of a few family members and friends since I saw her last. In fact they both looked better than the last time i saw them and i was grateful for that-its always nice when it seems like people are on the right track-at least for today. I asked them about a friend they had brought with them the last time they were at the mission 2 years ago and they both looked down at the floor. "You didn't know she died?" they said. " she passed away a year ago in January alone in her apartment but we don't think she did it on purpose but she was sick and sad. Her family didn't want anything to do with her, even her kids. She really was a great person with a big heart but sometimes we get swallowed up in our mess we drown." I took a breath and said " Did she ever tell you how we knew each other?" I asked. "Yes she did Helen but we don't care about that we don't judge anyone, we saw you in the paper last year when it told your story about who you were and how this got started and we are really proud of you and she was too. She didn't read it but she was happy about you helping other people"
 I took another breath and stepped into the basement to look for a coat for one of the women and paused in reflection of two young moms in a teen mom program who were trying to make it through to get their high school diploma while someone watched their kids for free. Two young moms who socialized with all the wrong people and who placed their children in situations that were not safe for anyone. Two young moms who believed in better things for other people but who gave up on themselves before anyone else could say they did. Two young moms who didn't  know anything about love or the cost of trying to figure it out so young. Whose kids were moved from apartment to apartment because the rent wasn't paid or too much trouble was caused or just the hope that the new place would bring something better.Moms who didn't think twice about partying, drinking or drugs and would have been perfect case files for children s aid.  I thought alot about these moms and where their life led them from a similar starting point to a very different end. I thought alot about her and I today. About why she is dead before she turns 40 and I am writing this blog reflecting on my journey with Jesus on my way to turning 40.
 When I saw her 2 years ago after 18 years I didn't recognize her until she told me her name and I then recognized her eyes. Her eyes behind a face that told of years of pain and anger. Years that were spent in jail ,fighting to see her kids and fighting to find herself. Years that I very well could have spent instead of her or beside her. I was never in jail but not because I never broke the law. I never had to fight for my kids but not because I never did anything worthy of them being taken, because I certain did. and here I am fighting to find myself on this journey with Jesus but the only difference was being able to fall into Him. The crossroads of my life on Aug 29 2003 was the moment I met Him and my life that was headed in the very direction she was in. In that moment of the cross stabbing me in the heart was the only thing that separated her and I in our journey that lay ahead. God showed me a reflection of myself that day she came into the mission 2 years ago- I didn't see a messed up old friend but I saw me a reflection of where I was also headed, where he rescued me from.
 You know what I never told her about Jesus when I saw her that last time in the mission and I regret that now. What if that was her moment to know about Jesus and it was my job to tell her. I have been thinking about this all day since I heard of her passing and I cant shake it. I cant do anything about it now but it has really forced me to think about all the people in my life who I don't share the news of Jesus with. I have been praying that someone else stepped into her life and told her about Him and her salvation in Him and I pray she is being comforted by Him now. Our lives were so parallel for a long time- how do I have the right to live a good life with children who love me enough to still speak to me and have me apart of their lives, free from the system of social welfare, living in house with windows(we both lived in an apartment with no windows once) and working at a place that I love? I have asked God why but I know I wont get an answer. I reflect on this JESUS FREAK journey I am on and realize that in the midst of all of this stuff about me, my responsibility is also to others and I don't want to ever let that moment pass again when \i step out and say I am here because of Jesus and ask if they know him too. I was reminded at church this weekend that I need to see everyone in the image of God. I guess that's like the reflection we are supposed to see in others-where we see ourselves in their faces because there but by the grace of God go I.

confessions of a spiritual adulteress.........

confession......
        I started writing this blog 2 weeks ago and then had to stop and erase and start again I wasn't going to come back to writing it for a while but was stopped after church yesterday by a very stylish but more importantly wonderful woman who encouraged me in my blogging and in fact loved how raw it was-so its her fault \i am back and there was something I was really pissed off about..or at least I was two weeks ago. amazing how time does something to the way we see something. Well time does that but so does God he patiently waits for us to see how He has done something magical in a moment of our life that seems so wrong and God STOMPS on the head of the enemy and shows His awesome power. I don't usually wait for the time it takes to see things differently. This time I am glad I did.
 Tom and I have been on a roller coaster of spiritual battleground for the last 6 weeks and sometimes we couldn't even see straight. There is not enough space on this computer to even tell you everything but lets just simplify it this way: MAJOR spiritual battles at mission, looking for advice and finding two very different opinions on what we were going through. Advice #1 we are missionaries in an inner city mission and we will be coming across lots of this so pray  pray pray and be aware of bondage that you may be holding on to from the past and pray pray pray. Advice #2  you are having all these attacks because your wife Helen is having a spiritual affair with Jesus and has been out of  Gods Will. She should have never opened her families door to Jesus when she asked him in to her heart but stayed quiet until her husband led the family in the relationship with God in their home. The attacks will stop when she stops speaking at churches and conferences and gives up leadership at HHSM and also starts worshiping Jesus through her husband.     I will give you time to take all that in..................

                              I know its alot to take in. Could you imagine how hard it was for me to hear that. When Tom came home with that news lets just say I didn't take it very well. God wasn't really pleased with me. This advice messed with my husband and I  for a while as he wrestled with the fact that this person backed it up with scripture and at a very vulnerable time for my husband he was open to being messed with. Let me just qualify this with Tom DOES NOT believe this advice he was only thrown off course for a while. I was pissed for lots of reasons that my previous blog was going to go on and on about but I realized after church on Sunday when our pastor talked about the detours God takes you on I tried to look at this situation differently . Tom and I have been going through more scripture together than we ever have before and really taking the time to study it together-score one for God. The enemy does what ever he can and uses whomever he can to derail you but God takes that derailment and makes it a detour to the original destination HE was sending you on. We have also learned alot about spiritual warfare something people don t talk alot about here but that some of our friends from Africa and Europe are more open to discussing it and we have really benefited from those conversations so much so I want to tell you something incredible that happened that the enemy didn't see coming but God just blew him out of the water with.....

                           In the middle of these 6 weeks of crazy at our home my mum came for tea, that's not new she has come for tea before but this time was different. My mum and I get along but I think she would agree that most of the time we have had more surface conversations and nothing too deep. I have always felt like there has been an invisible barrier between us-nothing hard or harsh but like a strange fog almost that has kept us from connecting deeper. There could be many reasons for this but for my mum and I it has alot to do with alot of guilt and other garbage that we both carried around with and for each other. there was no doubt we loved each other but it wasn't something easily said by my mum because I know I did not create the space for her to freely say it to  me-not her fault. Mine. We sometimes think someone isn't giving us what we need when all along we never gave them environment to even enter in and give it. This tea date turned in to a discussion with my mum about what I had been going through with the spiritual warfare (that's insane)-God opened the door with a situation my mum was telling me about and it was as if God said "share it with her" so I did, I thought she was going to just say "wow that's crazy" but she was taken in by what I was telling her( I kept out the stuff about advice #2  because my mum would have gone through the roof-she would be so ticked in an awesome loving way) I talked about what we learned about spiritual bondage and the things we can carry from generation to generation and I spoke to her about the baggage we could both be carrying. I asked my mum if I could pray for her-YES I DID- it was scary but I did it and I held my mum and prayed for forgiveness and release of guilt and shame and anger and prayed that God would free us both to live in the peace and freedom He planned for us to have-it was incredible and moving and crazy and so GOD! My mum and I hugged after tighter than I have ever remembered and she told me how much she loved me and I to her. I felt like years of baggage fell off and disappeared, i realized in that moment that all the crap the enemy wanted to use for evil God was now turning it around for His goodness and then i had this image of God stepping on the enemies head and squishing it like a watermelon. You see the enemy has tried everything my whole life to stop Gods plan for me, for my mum for our family but WE have the power when we take the detours that God brings us to to go back on track to fulfilling the plans God has for us all along.
                   I was pissed up to   a few days ago and I didnt know how to tell this major part of my journey and I was trying to be careful about how to say it but thanks to the encouraging whispers of a very stylish and wonderful friend at church  I just wrote it, raw and real and her encouragement mixed with a message about detour helped make me see a little clearer what was really going on . Listen to the encouraging whispers and our amazing powerful God and know that all the other stuff is just noise. Focus on His plan for your life and when the enemy tries to derail you soak in the word and get closer to those around you. God has already won-remember that.   P.S I have no plans for keeping quiet, quitting the mission or stopping my relationship with Jesus in fact I feel like we are getting FREAKIER all the time. ;)  Love you Lord love you Tom love you Mum.

Pond Scum

I have had many experiences in my life with collections agencies calling my house looking for payments-they have never been good. It wasn't always because I had some nasty person in the other end of the line sometimes that person was me besides the reality is that i wouldn't have been receiving those calls if I had paid my bills. I have heard a popular Christian Financial leader call the people who work for collection agencies "pond scum" and I have dealt with some over the top people that perhaps that title may be true but I was recently humbled by God in a way that made me grow so much the pain felt like those terrible leg cramps I got when I was a young girl.
                                         Tom and I have been living in our house for 15 years and it is only by the grace of God that we still have it. We have been through many different jobs and with our decision for me to leave my  job completely over 4 years ago to be at HHSM our finances have never been described as "stable". Last year we realized it was time to get windows since the draft coming in through them was crazy and our heating bills seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. The truth is we needed windows but the bigger truth was we didn't have the money to put new ones in -but we did. We made the decision to finance the windows in the hopes that our heat bills would go down and we could make the difference up to make the window payment. We did need the windows, and they have been great and we do in fact save money on our utilities but the reality still is that payment every month is a killer. We signed up for direct withdrawal which worked out the first few times but with Toms on again off again work it didn't always and we ended up paying an additional $50 in bank fees for the money not being there. So the phone calls would come.Sometimes the people did sound pretty nasty but the bigger reality is that Tom and I were just as bad-you see pride is more painful than any other emotion. Throughout this process we remortgaged the house and were able to put a chunk of money on those windows and thought we would be good for a few months but were informed that the money we put on it would only be used at the end of our contract and there in case we couldn't make a payment, we were really ticked. I am sure those "pond scum" never guessed they were talking to "Christians " on the other end of the line.
                                  About six months ago the phone rang and a new person from our financial collections called. Her name was Maria. She began the conversation by telling me she was new and then began to let me know our payment didnt go through AGAIN. She began to lecture me on the importance of making the payments and although everything she told me was true \i simply said "Please do not lecture me I don't need a lecture from you" After a back and forth heated discussion I finally stopped her and said " look. This payment is probably going to keep bouncing, we never know when money is coming with my husbands work and \i am tired of paying all these fees. Can I please just drive you a cash payment every month- she got permission for me to do this-not company policy-and I drove my first payment down, a 20 minute drive but less cost than those bank fees every month. Our first meeting was better than expected. She saw that my job said  I worked at HHSM which made me so embarrassed because of the way \i had treated her on the phone, certainly not with the LOVE AND RESPECT that my card said.She asked for information so I gave her my card. I left our payment and I felt a sense of relief that \i knew the phone wouldn't be ringing from them this month. Next time I went she asked about our large payment and wondered why it wasn't put towards the principle? She said that was ridiculous so she placed that on our principle payment so now we are a little closer. I thanked her for that, she said no problem, and the "pond scum" persona began to fade. Each month that I visit her with our cash payment we talk a little more and come to find out we are both pretty nice people in spite of what I am sure we both assumed months ago on the end of the telephone.
                                          Last week as I was driving up to give Maria my payment \i was stopped at the train tracks which seemed like forever. As i sat there I felt God say to me ,PRAY FOR HER. I looked around at the other cars around me but there was only men inside them so I figured I was just going crazy. I heard it again and again and finally said out loud "you don't mean \maria the collections lady right?!" yes as I talked to God in my car the men beside me looked with concern because my conversations grew to moments of trying to convince God he was wrong that I didn't need to pray for Maria. It would not go away and with God asking me over and over to pray for her i heard him say, pray for her burdens that she carries. The barriers went up and we were free to drive again but I couldn't shake this from my heart but parked at the office and said one more time God I do not know this lady enough to tell her \i want to pray for her please Lord what if she throws me out of the office and tells me \i cannot come with my cash payment anymore? Just do it He said. SO  with the boldness that only God can give I stepped into the elevator praying Maria was on a break. She wasnt. I waited in the waiting area for her to come and gave her the money. We exchanged pleasant conversation and she shook my hand while giving me the receipt for my payment and \i said " Pleased do not think I am crazy but God just asked me to pray for you. He said you have some pretty big burdens right now and I wondered if I could pray for you?" She looked at me like I was crazy and stepped back from me. I thought for sure I was about to be escorted from the building. She said " Are you one of those psychics you know people who do readings?" I said "Oh no no no that's not who I am NO! I just wanted to pray for you because God asked me to " She sat down in one of the chairs and took a deep breath and for 20 minutes told me all about her parents who were now in a nursing home and that her mother is in early stages of dementia and that she feels guilty about putting them there and she went on and on....
                 Her burdens were heavy and God knew that. I told her that God understands and he wants to give her rest. She hugged me and thanked me for listening. I felt another more serious nudged from God when told me to apologize for MY behavior on the phone. OUCH. I said sorry to her and prayed that God would soften the lips and tongues of the people that she would have to call today, she started to tear up. We hugged again. I stepped in to the elevator and looked in the mirror and smiled. I wasn't proud of myself I was smiling at God. Our God who always know what we need and how to teach us lessons in a way we will never forget. I am looking forward to next month when that payment is due now because I will be able to go see Maria and find out how she is doing and if there are any other things she would like prayer for. God reveals the humanity in His people when people like me forget their humanity and only see "pond scum"
Thank-you for following my Journey. Go be BOLD God will be with you.

Love rescues me everytime

He has rescued me from many things in my life, that incredible God of ours, but its usually me that I need rescuing from. My thoughts my desires my assumptions and mostly my control. Its not always as exciting as one of those amazing rescues you see on the news-I have yet to be rescued from a burning building- but it is no less serious in fact some of the subtleties that He rescues me from are the shifts I needed to make the next big move. Ultimately a move that removes more of me to be filled by Him.
                             A couple of Sundays ago though I did need a serious rescue from God in a not so subtle way. I had been asked to come back to visit some family at a church this particular Sunday morning with the intention to update them on HHSM. Although I am by nature a disorganized person this time I had e-mailed a few days a head to keep myself on track because I have been blessed with more and more speaking engagements I have learned to go over details so I don't go to a seniors group and talk about how youth can be involved with change or show up at a church to talk about the sex trade only to realize that this particular church may have a hard time with the word sex-let alone talking  about it as an occupation. Anyway i say all of that to tell you its not good to mix up your speaking engagement details. But this time I still managed to. I had done very little-okay NO prep-for this "talk" because I really did believe I was simply updating this church with mission details about needs,programs etc. Well when Tom and I arrived we were in for a big surprise.....
                        As we walk into the church they start to mic me up you know Brittney Spears style and I say as always " no need to mic me I am probably loud enough" my attempt at humor or perhaps a subtle jab to my spirit, I tend to do that right before in a strange way to tear myself down just a little, I really need to stop that. Anyway I glance over at their bulletin for the service and I notice it has plastered on the front "GUEST SPEAKER HELEN NORRIS" I look very carefully to find some clue to what the pastor may be preaching about but I cant. I suddenly realize that I may have misunderstood my reason for being there that morning. I politely ask how much time I have to update the congregation and the person miking me giggles and says you have 35 minutes or however much time you need to deliver your message. MESSAGE ?? Oh my goodness I am doomed! I've got nothing- not even a scribbled piece of another message in my car that I can somehow try to rekindle -after I try to figure out what the message was   under the coffee stain and foot print marks (yeah my car isn't the most organized either) but I didn't even have that. Tom says to me "what are you going to do?" "Go to the van and get my bible" I said.
                    The worship music had started and I prayed like I have never prayed before" God you know I have nothing prepared for this, I have no back up nothing,please rescue me Lord you are all I have."  The music ended and i was called to the front to preach to a congregation the word of God and I had nothing. Until God spoke to me. He said "use my words" I wish I could tell you that I saw that as some divine revelation but I was really thinking" is that it? I got 35 minutes remember?!" but of course He was right-isn't HE always. I opened up my bible to the page that is almost worn out and read Isaiah 61 with the first marking I ever wrote in a bible that stated in ink"Gods call on my life", that was the gate that God needed to speak that day about His call on not just my life but all of us and how He so beautifully weaved the stories from the mission through that was incredible. It was one of those moments where I was speaking and as I was listening to what God was revealing through me I was blown away by His message. I knew it was God because I was so removed from it that I was able to be a receiver of His word at the same time as the congregation. Something would come out of my mouth and I would be thinking "wow that's amazing!" Totally God and the freedom I felt from allowing Gods spirit to fill me so full that there was no room for me in those 40 minutes was so incredible.
 As I am witness again to God amazing grace to me and the filling of His spirit He asks Tom to step forward and share about men's group at the mission and the powerful God moments happening there as well. And there we stood. Tom and I in this moment taken over by God and the spirit taking over us both speaking to a church about Gods power and glory and grace and beauty. It felt like I was finally realizing a new step in His plan for us. A plan to work together in a grace-filled way to speak with God to not just this church but I believe to the nation. As we prayed together with our arms around each other that Sunday morning I felt a jump in my spirit-something FREAKY YEA JESUS FREAKY. This journey wasn't ever supposed to be solo but in partnership with Tom. To realize the power of God in not just my testimony or Toms but in the testimony of our lives together. God rescued me that Sunday morning from many things but mostly myself. To let go of ownership of HHSM and its story and to allow God to work His awesome plan out the way He intended to . Not just through me but my wonderful husband too.
                                     Finding my JESUS FREAK hasn't been easy so far. But it has been so amazing up to now that I cant wait to see where God is leading us next.
Thank-you for following me on His incredible journey.

Stepping back to make room for God

I have figured out something really glorious and really painful on this journey. If I am going to grow I need to be honest, which is hard and glorious. Its hard because although this is a personal journey for me people still take a personal stake in it somehow. Although I write this blog as a personal memo I realize that by posting it publicly it invites people to come along and the journey is not always pleasant. I will also confess to you that it was my way of connecting with other people who have struggles with their faith journeys and are afraid to say so-there sometimes isn't alot of room for questions or honesty,even in the church. It is also glorious because I believe there is a freedom for some in finding out that its okay to feel the way they are feeling and that it really is a personal journey with God and his messed up beautiful Kingdom. Its ok to not always pretend to be connected, strong, "on the right track", focused or free. Its ok to be the man or woman of God that Jesus knows is struggling because it is only in the struggle that we come out better if we are brave enough to go there.
                                      I realized something this weekend too that as I write it down I can already imagine the people who will read this and say "its about time she figured that out!" On this journey God placed me on nine years ago I set out in a space of wanting God to use me to tell others His incredible story of how He changed my life and I have done that for nine years. I took great PRIDE and joy in proclaiming the good new of God in my life over and over again and would mention in a small way how my whole family has been effected by it too. This weekend I stepped out of the way and stopped hogging the spotlight of God amazing grace in our family and watched as God now had room to move in my husband to tell his story too.
                 It has always been a joke about how much I talk and Tom has to listen but I realized that it was no longer funny when I was too selfish to step back and allow more of Gods testimony to be told through the eyes of my husband. I took the long drive with him to Windsor to a conference called "Men of Valor" and although I did not get to hear him speak today I could see Gods anointing on him as he entered the space to speak of our amazing God who can change even the most challenging trials in very broken people.  I knew the experience would stretch him in ways that were uncomfortable but his focus on sharing was to help other men who may be going through similar pain in their marriage and life now to see that there can be freedom. What I love about Tom is that he makes no apologizes for who he is and where he is at. He is fully aware of his brokenness and that he has a long way to go but recognizes that sharing some of his pain can bring healing to someone else. I have watched him grow into a stronger man of God day by day -willing to be wrong as long as he learns from the experience.
                       We have both come from pretty big places of pain in our life together and sometimes the world doesn't make it easy to heal. We live in a world where broken seems better and we seem to enjoy the pain so we don't support the healing. God doesn't waste pain in fact it will always bring healing if we allow it-if we are brave enough to go through it. Jesus died a horrific death so i could proclaim my JESUS FREAK his pain brought me life and his example of sacrifice in love is a hard one to follow but i know it is necessary if I want to find that FREAK again.
                   It took me nine years to step out of the way so God could work through my husband and send him on a whole new journey. Yes God could have moved me on his own years ago but it was a process that as a couple , as a wife I needed to realize in order to support my husbands journey with God. I had to figure it out for myself so I could continue to step back and let Gods light shine through him not just today but from now on. Sometimes we are the stumbling block on someone else s faith journey until we realize that we need to move out of the way. "God will not use you unless you move" was written on a piece of paper I found in my bible the other day. AT first I thought it was for ME to move ahead in my walk but it was much more than that. It was my fortune cookie from God that was a strong message to me to move out of Toms way and let God work through him for his Kingdom here on earth. After I prayed for forgiveness with a humbled heart I grew excited for this new journey we would be on together- a JESUS FREAK journey that was no longer a personal one because it was never mean to be.

Blessings to everyone,thank you for reading and thanks for your grace in following my journey.

I want to get my JESUS FREAK on just like Ronnie

I want to be more like Ronnie.
A man who not only knew God but got his JESUS FREAK on alot-although he may not say it that way.
He treated everyone with kindness and a smile even if they didn't approach him the same way. He was close enough to God to be able to see people with the lens of JESUS.
He made people laugh and knew how to laugh at himself.
He didn't mince words and told you exactly how he was feeling.
He welcomed friends and it did not occur to him that someone wasn't worthy of his friendship or time he saw everyone as equals.
He enjoyed what was offered to him but never took more than his share-especially if there was someone he knew didn't get any yet.
He was more aware of peoples feelings than most and made sure everyone felt special and apart of the conversation he was having.
Gracious to those whom most have no time for.
Seeing the best in others even when they were not necessarily showing it.
Loved treats and didn't apologize for that.
Stepped out into the day with no apologize for who he was because he knew he was Gods son.

I want to be more like Ronnie.
I want the lens in which Jesus sees all people
I want everyone in my presence to feel special
i want to be me and not apologize for that because i know I am Gods daughter.
I want to LOVE treats and not apologize for that,
I want to get my JESUS FREAK on just like Ronnie.
A man who taught me so much in the short time i knew him.

Maybe I wasn't all bad after all

I was at one of my therapist appointments ( i know your all surprised i see a shrink right! LOL) anyway she said something to me that i never thought about before. Something that I think is really going to help me out on this Finding my JESUS FREAK journey. She said that when i came to know God and gave my life to Jesus i wanted so desperately to be a new person that I threw away all of who I was before meeting Jesus-the bad and the good- and that is part of the reason why I think I have lost apart of my freak but really I am just longing to figure which parts of who I used to be are okay to be again. Maybe I wasnt all bad after all.

 The truth is none of us are. But i think sometimes this longing to be "born again" can cause us to remove everything about who we were in order to have this "new life" in Christ. Maybe just maybe there were pieces of me that would still work on this journey with JESUS, maybe i need to really search for the parts of my life that are and have always been good? Is it possible that before JESUS I wasn't all bad? Well I discovered during a visit with one of my "pre-JESUS" friends that maybe just maybe Helen Norris (pre-JESUS) really wasn't ALL bad.
                          Its funny i hadn't spoke to this friend in a long time and she asked me why today and i didn't have an answer. Even if i did it probably wouldn't make much sense now anyway but as I reflect on it now I wonder if throwing away ALL of me to journey with JESUS I also let go of some pre-JESUS friends too, perhaps because they reminded me of who I used to be,maybe if i am really honest it might be easier to pretend to be a more "perfect" me post-JESUS with those who never knew me before. Lets be honest -the truth hurts. We were together this morning for a long time and i really enjoyed just being me with her. I didn't have to worry about letting the pre-JESUS me slip out or worry that she was somehow judging my behaviour. She could care less about what I do for a job or where my next speaking engagement is and especially how the mission is going-not because she doesn't care about all those things but because deep down she knows who \i was before and I am sure is happy that I have met JESUS but doesn't want to have tea with me because of all the "stuff" i do now. I found it easier to talk about Grace and how I have grown to love the people I used to curse with her because I knew my honesty wouldn't cause her to look the other way or question my "ability" to be in the role I am at HHSM. It felt free. It was the kind of moment where I knew if I had a breakdown of faith she wouldn't force me back to believing but simply listen knowing i would find my way back anyway. My friend is a Christian she and I were baptized at the same time almost 9 years ago. The amazing part is we are both major players in each others struggle pre-JESUS yet ironically both players in our faith journeys now.
                        I have met many great friends since knowing JESUS and this is not to suggest that I dont need them or appreciate what they have done and do in my life but today reminded me that there must have been something good about me before this journey and that God wants me to find that again. Maybe whats missing is the many parts of me that i threw away in a desperate attempt to never be that girl again? Its so easy to want the life that God has planned for me but perhaps He never intended for his original creation to be re-created just broken and put back together-thats 2 different things. I have been looking for new parts but what I was supposed to do was keep the old ones but reuse them,reshape them and re mold them for Gods glory. People know my testimony so they think they know who I was but testimonies are flawed in the aspect that we tell all the bad in our life before and all the good that is happening now. I know we are to take off our old selves and put on new but we are still putting it on the original creation right?
                     Anyway today turned out to be less about meeting an old friend for tea but about rediscovering that although there are some major things in my past i regret, am ashamed of and embarrassed by there are also things about me that have always been ok. Even if its only a couple of things,small things, they are still me , a part of me apart of me that God loves. I'm okay now and I think i might go searching for the couple of things about me that were ok then.
Thanks for reading and following my journey. Praying that you can look back and rediscover the good pieces of you too.

Gods Word,people pleasing and reclaiming the word "shit"

Gods word. I need to know it better i need to soak in it. Of all the "issues" i think I have to deal with in life I know most of them arise due to the fact that I do not Taste chew and swallow Gods word. I heard something interesting today that there are 3 main reasons that people read scripture: for intellectual reasons-so they can "know" more and recite more and become more knowledgeable, for good advice-when we have problems we look to it for answers and to make ourselves feel better. I have done all these things in fact i would have to say if I am honest that that would be the majority of the reasons why I go to Gods word. I wish this was not true but if i am going to learn anything on this journey I've go to be honest. I want to go to Gods word to be closer to Him to learn more about Him and to feed on His word so that my life begins to reflect His word. That's what i want.But how to i achieve this? Do we ever achieve this? Has anyone ever really figured out Gods true plan for their life and lived it out as He would want them to?
                   There are many things i know that i have in my life that God is not impressed with-that's putting it mildly and I also know there are things about me that He is pleased with. I know I am not where I should be but as they say " I am not where i used to be" and I hope that every year I continue to grow and be better but I want that to be because i want my life to be good and pleasing to God not other people.  think that's harder than we would admit. 
                                          I know we all profess to be people who don't care what others think about us but we are liars.I have thought about a lot of my journey lately and realized that a lot of the "traps" i feel like i am stuck in on my faith journey have a lot to do with not making a certain move because it will make someone feel uncomfortable or i may disappoint someone.I hate that it even crosses my mind to give a shit what other people might think about my next move in my journey with God. (P.S my Dutch friend said SHIT is not a swear word it is something animals do on a farm and although i am not nor have ever been a farmer i am taking the word SHIT to express myself and feel it is okay because my Dutch friend -who is more like Jesus than most people I have met-said its okay) Every inch of who I am screams against the concept of doing or not doing something because someone else might be uncomfortable with it or it may not be what they would do-so why is it okay on my journey with God? The more i think about it the concept screams of ridiculous MORE when referring to my journey with God because it really is so personal. SO why do i do this? I wish i had the answer but more important;y i wish i had  more FREAK to not care and to be bold for JESUS like i tell everyone else to do. Maybe i just need practice again. 9 years ago i did many things that made my family,workplace,friends very uncomfortable when i first met JESUS so why is it that i even think about how anyone feels now about a decision that may not make sense or be okay for everyone else? If you have any advice let me know.
                                       Baby steps-that's the plan. Baby steps. My FREAK (SPIRIT) is right here in me and i feel like i need to release it before it dims out and i become an 80 year old "Christian" who uses the title but no one knows why. Baby steps. Gods word to give me strength,remind me of who i really am and to take root in HIS plan for me. Not MY plan,not my communities plan,not the missions plan, not my friends plan and yes not even my churches plan but GODS plan. I am not going to find it until i reclaim His word. Continue to keep me accountable all of you who have done so thus far. I love and appreciate all of you. Oh and from a previous blog you will be happy to know i cancelled 3 things this past week to spend more time with one of Gods most important plans for my life-my family. It wasn't easy but best decisions i could have made.

*****On a less serious note-not sure why the typing has changed style throughout this blog-great effect but not on purpose. Need to find out how i did that,See learning new things everyday.**** 
Continue on the journey -its a beautiful mess indeed!       

Do we really believe it?

Do we really believe what we say we believe? You know REALLY believe? I met with a friend of mine for tea this week, shes a part of this Jesus FREAK plan of mine to hold me accountable on the journey and for me to keep her accountable on her own journey. When we meet we give each other challenges,listen to each others journeys and dream about the day that we really harness the holy spirit power inside of us and what our world would look like if we did. This time the challenge was using the power of Gods word through scripture, harnessing the Holy Spirit and praying scripture out loud as a weapon for our lives and the lives of others. It was incredible.There is something about meeting with someone else who wants to walk beside you on a journey and has no interest in anything else but being completely honest about this difficult journey with God in the world. Someone who calls you out to be and do better for your life because GOD deserves it. LOVE LOVE LOVE!
                         We talked alot about something we whisper about in church-the holy spirit. Except when we said it there was power in it "The HOLY SPIRIT" inside of us that created the whole universe -we have that inside of us yet we stay so small and wonder why mountains aren't moving in our lives. Particularly for woman we carry so much guilt worry and shame with us that we cant even see straight sometimes. What we forget about is the power that God gave us to overcome all of this.We all say we have the spirit of God inside of us but who cares if we don't ever harness it. Why does it matter if we say the words but don't use what God gave us to create change in our lives and the lives of others? Does it really matter if we know the words or say the words? I don't think it does.I think any of what we believe really matters if we don't do anything about it and i think in particular the holy spirit  power we have is something i want to look into further. Could you imagine what would happen if we tapped into Gods power in us daily and went into the world. Took all our garbage out and made room for the spirit to breathe-wow that would be awesome!
                  I think that's the very thing that God wants for His children. I think he longs for the days when we wake up in the morning and look at ourselves and love every inch that we see in the mirror,when we greet our spouses with love and thanks for who they are and how they have made our life richer. When we send our children to bed every night with no doubt that they are loved beyond measure, when everyone who comes in contact with us feels better about who they are when we decide to love ourselves in order to send a healthy person in to the world to reflect Gods love onto others. I want that. I no longer want to wish for that but i want to do my best everyday to have that. I am grateful for the people in my life who will make me accountable and help me achieve that. Maybe this journey isn't about finding my FREAK. Maybe i already have it inside me. My Spirit is the FREAK and instead of looking for it i need to harness it.
                 On this journey i hope to not only find my FREAK (or harness the spirit) but have everyone around me benefit from it. I hope to be the mother with children who know they are loved like crazy, a wife whose husband feels like he's the greatest guy in the world and that when i go into the world my foot print is one of grace love and mercy. Oh this will be tough but i love that there are people who love me enough to keep me accountable.I don't want to just say the words anymore I want to live them . Here we go........... \Oh Lord I really need you.

Is it possible to be too busy for God doing Gods work?

I know this may sound like a strange question-" Can we be too busy for God doing Gods work?" But i seriously wonder if this may be part of my problem. As I looked at my schedule for this week i was excited about seeing all the great things going on at HHSM and thought how pleasing to God it will be when all of these "events" happen. Thinking of how many people will be blessed by each event. Then I thought for a moment about all the juggling i am trying to do with meetings, family,friends and prepping for speaking engagements and just the day to day stuff we all do, I wondered if all this "God stuff" was actually keeping me from God.
                          The idea of accomplishing all these tasks has left me with little room to just sit with God and be with Him,listen to Him. Perhaps that's an element to this FREAK journey that is one of my biggest stumbling blocks-too much God "stuff" but not enough GOD. The challenge i find though is trying to figure out what to remove from the list. Clearly God needs to be first-or at least thats what I say but am i really going to take away those moments created to bless others in the community that leave me with a great sense of accomplishment or dare i say pride!?! As i wrestled with this before the sun came up i can to a humbling realization. I think i drop God from my schedule but try to justify it by doing " God stuff" like somehow He wont notice that i have dismissed Him for my personal gratification of watching others be blessed.
                     I dont think i should cancel everything going on this week-in fact i am still very excited about it and i think thats ok. BUT i really think this journey i am on has caused me to realize that during the seasons of busyness that we all have in our culture that causes stress and anxiety even the stuff that is really great i think I forgot that need to go to Him first. I know if I go to God first He will supply me with what i need to make it through the busy times and also let me forget about myself in this whole process and allow the blessings to flow where they should flow-straight to Him.  I need to focus on God and everything else will fall into place. I need to stop pretending like all the glory in all I do is for Him and be honest about what glory i secretly take for myself.
                                Despite some of the rearranging i will need to do with some people this week I am confident that making the time for God is where i need to focus no matter how upset people might get. I realize that if i was as worried about pleasing God as i am about many people in my life everything would work out a lot smoother. I think if i shift into this thinking i may find that FREAK sooner than later. I will keep you posted and would appreciate you keeping me accountable.

Bringing God back to church

A little confirmation goes a long way. I think.....no i know I must have really annoyed the person sitting next to me last night with all my "AMEN-ing" i know that's not a word but boy did I AMEN like i haven't amen-ed in a long time. I was at Vertical church last night. I entered my FREAK zone last night.

                     It was standing room only by the time we got started and we were "lucky" to find the seats we did, actually the people we followed out of the elevator ended up going through the back entrance by accident and we were escorted up by ushers. There's the first of many "Amen's" of the night. We ended up at the very top which i just concluded must be better " this is great we are just closer to heaven now" It started off with worship, amazing worship to God but I didn't get any FREAK from it-but it was really good. The chairs we definitely comfy but no Freak from them. The space wow big,clean and beautiful lots of people but still no FREAK. Pastor he was really great I'd listen to him again (i do most mornings)  some sparks but still he didn't bring the FREAK. It was the spirit of God in the room busting through the walls,entering peoples hearts and laying down the law through scripture about the church, all of us in that room - FREAK.

                              Isaiah 64 "Oh , that you would rend the heavens and come down, that the mountains would tremble before you!"   I have read this scripture before in fact Isaiah was one of the first books of scripture that was given to me by God when my JESUS FREAK journey started, but I believe it was brought to my attention last night in such a profound way because of this searching i am doing. I love when scripture comes alive in the spirit and you can no longer even see the person preaching it anymore but just hear the words and feel the spirit in the room.God's holy spirit fire in the room. Oh how glorious that feeling is. This scripture in Isaiah is a passionate cry out to God to tear apart all the barriers church has put up so God can move back in. The God that moves mountains-the things that make us feel small in our life. The God who never said "whisper to me" but we all do that, we whisper our praise to God in song, prayer, lowering our expectations of a God who can move all mountains and deciding to live quiet lives for the Lord. The Holy Spirit power that created the heavens and the earth dwells inside of us yet we area waiting for someone else or something else to step up instead of living out our fullness of who God is. His spirit dwelling within us. This sets people on fire for God. Reminding people who they are called to be. Oh can i get an AMEN!
                        Of course the reality is none of that matters really until we figure out how to bring God back to church. Before churches ever die Gods voice in them dies. If God is moving mountains in the church than things like the band, the brochures, the coffee wont matter anymore-nothing else will matter because the church is supposed to be the place where God is moving mountains. A place where we share the amazing movements of God in our lives and telling each other so that people don't just think God retired and isn't performing miracles anymore. I want to be apart of saving the church, Not just for me or my family but for everyone who stopped or never started because God is waiting to move back in.

                     

Make me a channel of your peace

Today I have not left the house, wait that's a lie i did get the mail and throw out the kitty litter but you get my point. A shower wasn't necessary but now as i sit here writing this i realize after a long day of medication,coughing,napping,e-mail answering and more napping it is definitely time to do that. I did choose to cancel work today,well besides e-mails, and got over the guilt pretty quick i must admit. Whatever this is knocks me out during the day but in a sick joke keeps me up at night. I was grateful for the wonderful woman who replaced me but to be honest the gig wasn't that hard today. It was handing out baked goods to golfers and then enjoy a delicious meal. I was also grateful for our board member who agreed to say the Thank-you speech i was supposed to say. All of this certainly helped with the guilt.

                      Being sick does lend to some interesting reflection time. Of course i started off being excited that i could have a great excuse for watching the few channels we get but the ones we do get are show after show about people throwing up their life on camera and all of us eating it. Gross analogy i know but so true. After being sick of  the judges,the gossip and the "news" I gave up and sat around for a while doing nothing. Which i need to tell you is very difficult to do. My head began to fill up with alot of junk-i know this probably had something to do with all the junk i just exposed myself to-but i couldn't believe how easily it invaded my brain! What i wanted to do was try in some sense to meditate on God and i started to sing this song in my head that i remembered singing in school called "make me a channel of your peace" I used to hate that song-really hate it. |I remember we used to make fun of it when we had to go to mass at school and there was this one teacher who used to blow into this little harmonica thing before we would start and move her finger up and down as if we were going to somehow follow it and make some beautiful sound in a grand choir at the cathedral. What she got were giggles when she blew that thing and exaggerated voices when we would get to the part " so much to be consoled as to CON SOOOOOOOLLLLLLEEE! in this annoying high pitch wail. I feel like i need to find out where that teacher lives now and apologize to her.

                    If you have never heard of that song look it up. It really is great . The words are from ST.Francis of Assisi and i meditated on them for some time this afternoon and gained a real appreciation for them. I love when God does that with memories. He floods back the ones he knows you will need just to show you nothing is a waste.  I found this one by Sinead O'Conner that's great just close your eyes and listen.

On this journey to find my FREAK i love how He uses it all. I think all of these references to the Catholic church, this song,CWL and Mother Theresa are Gods way of reminding me that my Catholic experience probably wasn't as terrible as I used to say. Maybe in all that junk i talk about deep beneath it was still God all the time. I didn't experience the fullness of God because He wasn't there but much like my own life i choose to focus on the junk instead of what was underneath all that pile. No worries I dont think I will be heading back to the Catholic church anytime soon but i have to tell you my roots on God really are there so maybe some more digging may be just what i need on this journey. Wow somewhere my grade 10 religion teacher is hearing the sound of angels singing "AMEN" :)

Thanks for following the journey.

Finding the spark that ignites the FREAK

I had a speaking engagement last night at the C.W.L for those of you that don't know what that is it is the Catholic Woman's League and this group was just one of many around the world. It had been a few years since i was there last time to speak to them. When they last saw me i was still trying to juggle working at the Long term care facility and also at HHSM. I showed up with a cardboard sign and a few homemade print outs of what time the mission was open and i was just excited to get the invite to talk about this crazy thing God is doing.
                    When i arrived there last night i started to put up our fancy sign made by a professional graphics design place and one of the ladies commented how nice it looked. I placed the professionally printed flyers and information about our many programs that now run through the program center and I was feeling really proud of where God has brought this little spark from. I sat in on their meeting that went over their budget and updates. I listened to the list of places they were giving to and joined them in prayer for the problem of Human Trafficking for the victims and for those exploiting them. They talked and prayed about abortion laws,gave updates on the latest news and on the people in their parish who were in need of any kind of help. Some spoke very passionately about the many social justice issues and through thier prayer you could feel the compassion in their hearts pouring out with every word. Above the room was a statue of St. Francis of Assisi  and i might be crazy but i think he was smiling.
                          After their meeting it was my turn. Gladys introduced me and this time it was no longer "she has one new grade nine in the house and a little girl" it was "she has one newly married daughter and a new grade nine in her family" IT was so surreal to me how far and how long it had been. As i got up to speak about he mission with some old faces and some new something really fantastic came over me. I realized that the fancy sign and new pamphlets were great but that as i looked out at the woman listening to my every word the expressions hadn't changed at all since the last time. I saw them nod and smile when ever I mentioned God or Jesus. They had pain in their faces when I spoke about the needs there. They still laughed at my bad jokes. And when i was finished they were so joyful and excited for Gods promises for all of us and I felt like no time had passed. Oh there was more to tell, the numbers were greater, new programs were running, God was really building a community down in the city through HHSM but what remained the same was the fire I was feeling inside my soul. The Holy Spirit fire that i remember consuming me. I felt that again. My spirit was glowing and I knew I was in one of those amazing moments where God wants you to be as a part of His greater plan. Like there is no other place in the world you should be, like a little piece of heaven it seriously felt that good.
                                    When i was finished and they presented me with a thank-you card and donation for HHSM a couple of ladies who had just been presented earlier with flowers for all the work they had done in raising funds for the group came and gave me the flowers and said "thank-you for being uniquely you. |You have a gift of speaking that shows the spirit pouring out of you and listen to |God . He is going to use you." I was breathless, excited and humbled. I knew the "unique" word was used because when the CWL think a missionary is coming I know I am not what they expect but that's why God is so great. I was humbled to hear what i felt was a prophesy of my life and where it may be heading with this speaking "gig" Gods got me on. I was breathless because i could now rest without worry that I may have re-connected with a piece of my FREAK.
                     I guess sometimes to get back  we need to go back. I have been invited to speak in November at two different ladies conferences and I was so excited because they were bigger and I was going to be a main speaker. I am glad God brought me back to the ladies of the CWL and not just because of the amazing carrot cake,which was amazing by the way, but because it was the spark i needed to have ignited before He leads me to the next step to remind me who is in charge and where I found my FREAK in the first place.

Confirmation along the way about this crazy journey

Had a great JESUS FREAK weekend full of great conversations about: life,God,Jesus,hope,confusion,inspiration,scripture,church,pain,faith, purpose,future,church,the kingdom and so much more.We seriously talked about all that stuff starting from Friday night to just now when I left church it has been a full weekend of amazing open honest discussion.

              It all started when Tom and I watched a documentary about existence where someone went around the world and across america to ask people questions about God, religion, morality,faith,purpose etc. We watched as many different people from many different backgrounds and faiths gave a different glimpse into what they think is right or true. I loved when he traveled to India to talk to the many different religions there and we learned alot about groups of people we had made many assumptions about and we saw that there was alot more similarities between us then differences. I know that sounds cliche but it was so true. This led to a dinner "party" on Saturday where we sat down at our house with two very inspiring single mothers and began to talk about this whole journey that I am blogging about. I realized that through all they have to struggle with (much more than me) there roots were really deep in God so much so that they spoke openly about parts of their own journeys.We talked about who people think we (Christians) are in the world, our responsibility to help change that and the people who  we thought we were called to be. Struggles about purpose, meaning and promises of God and scripture.One of those fantastic discussions where you are challenged by someone in love and witness to what  grace can look like- to walk with ease beside someone on a journey whether you agree or disagree with it all.It wasn't some really over the top deep theological confusing discussion but more of a "here's what i have learned" "this is where I think God is calling us too" "oh i remember feeling like that this is how I walked through it". Oh those kinds of dinner conversations are truly a gift. A sense of  feeling a step of   growth on your journey.
                       At church this morning i prayed through the first 2 songs that I was coming in to the space for the right reasons and that I wanted to leave my baggage at the door and be open to the fullness of the experience. I thought that was the right thing to pray about-I guess we never really know at the time if its right-maybe there is no right ans wrong.The truth is I don't really know. But I prayed it anyway hoping to see some shift in my thinking of church as a place where my spirit hasn't felt right for a while-hoping it was selfishness I could pray away and be there for the right reasons. And then it happened. As church started and the preaching began i felt a sense of relief. Strange to say i know.  It wasn't like i felt this fire ripping through my spirit like a holy ghost invasion but more of a sense that this journey that I am taking myself on with God is okay. The questions i have are not only normal but a good sign that i am on a journey of faith that is leading to something great. I confess that over the last few days i have felt (with some different feedback) that perhaps I needed to be careful what I expose, how something might sound to someone else,that i am aware that I may offend someone. Look if i start going postal on here and screaming "leave the church,God doesn't exist, send me $500 or we are all going to parish in the pits of hell because I am the new messiah" than please call someone, this blog needs to be stopped and tell my children to commit me to a nice quiet place to live out the rest of my days. But seriously. After being re- inspired by the stories of Gods people in scripture, Gods messed up, screwed up people in scripture and re affirming that He can and does use anyone but the screw-ups in particular-all of us I came away with this thought. If the people we read about in the bible had a blog and they wrote down all the feelings they were having and all their struggles and all their fears and questions I think it might look a little like mine sometimes.
                                                             I feel much better now. I feel better about this open, honest,strange crazy, questioning journey I am on with God. I am looking forward to where this is taking me next and maybe along the way I can continue to have great open conversations with people who agree and disagree about it and grow from it all. I guess maybe that's one of Gods point for the church-to challenge and grow with one another that maybe doesn't always look like a nice neat agreement but a difficult beautiful mess sometimes. I am excited to be looking forward to this season of church that is going to allow for a breaking down of scripture and helping us to find ourselves in God story. I am hopeful for a community that we can get uncomfortable with together and watch something magical happen.I felt a little FREAK coming on today but it seems to look a little different than I remember-but I guess it should. I need to keep that in mind.

Oh what a journey oh what a life oh what an amazing God we have!

Great reminder to get my FREAK on today!100huntley.com - Helping Hands Street Ministry--Magdalene John

100huntley.com - Helping Hands Street Ministry--Magdalene John

I wanted to share this video with all of you because I watched it again this morning to set my spirit on fire before going out today. I am humbled by the video but love the reminder of how amazing God is and how he can rebuild anything or anyone.
Hope you have a blessed day and get your FREAK on! :)

No more Mr.Nice Jesus

So what am i really searching for? I realized something today when having some tea on the back porch of a friends house, a tea that turned into a 5 hour conversation about the Kingdom. You don't really start that way. I was really looking forward to the green tea and tarts (which were fabulous by the way) and of course catching up with my friend but didn't plan on talking about the Kingdom but I realize its all about the kingdom. I realized that some of this JESUS FREAK searching might just be about finding where i fit in. I confessed to my friend today that for the first time in my "church" experience (which has only been 9years) i feel like an "alien". Like I am in a place with nice people,nice building,nice music,nice places to serve but that my spirit cant breathe in "nice". It is comfortable,easy,nice.I am in a season where nice frustrates me.

                         I cant say anything bad about my church. Like I said its nice. The people, the building the music the serving opportunities. I don't want nice. i think nice may equal "easy" i don't want "easy". Its funny because other times on my journey when things were going a little easier i liked it. No work,show up,sing songs,take notes and ride the wave.Awesome! Not really, to be honest those were the times when i felt the furthest away from God and Jesus-whos that guy anyway oh he holds my hand and gives me a hug-nice guy.For the past year i have felt that way again. I started to enjoy the comfort a little. We have definitively struggled personally but i loved all the down,easy time with church. I was using this as my escape but it would be short lived. You can only use church for a distraction for so long-then it becomes abuse. I was abusing God i was ignoring Jesus-the Jesus I miss. Not Mr.Nice Jesus but the Jesus from the past who challenged me to be brave,rely on the Father, bring some Kingdom into the world even if its not comfortable. I was sitting in the space but being disconnected hating the "business" of church and missing the challenges of Kingdom life. I wanted to blame the church but its not the churches fault. I sat there saying nothing, enjoying the comfort at first then hating it then blaming the church but its not the churches fault. its mine.I want my FREAK back I want my search for the Kingdom back I want to feel uncomfortable again.

                       I want to be out of the building more than being in the building. I want to be out and expanding the Kingdom.I want to take my tithe sometimes and knock on the door of someone who is struggling and leave a note that doesn't try to get them to attend my church but just says "God loves you". I want to see us gather as a community in the parking lot and sit WITH our children and create cards that tell people the truth about God-that He loves all of us and go as a church and go buy Tim Horton's gift cards or grocery store cards and go to the apartment building across the street and bless the people who live there. Simply having a church in a community doesn't mean people will just show up. The point isn't to bless people so they show up for church but so they can see a small glimpse of the kind of people God expects us to be. People who give without expectation. I find it funny that we all gather together on Sunday and then often gather again during the week but our group looks very similar to Sundays group just smaller. How does that bring more to the kingdom? I want to be a part of a movement that meets as a community but not always in the comfort of a building with nice people nice music nice serving. I want to get back to my JESUS FREAK and I figured out today that the only way to get there is to get dirty in my discipleship again and walk really close behind Him-not waiting for a nice hug but watching closely as He goes out into the not so nice world.

Anyone else on this journey?

back to school JESUS FREAK lessons from my daughter

First I would like to thank my friend Cam for his response to my last blog. I confess I was hoping someone would relieve me of this silly standard I set for myself in my obsession with blogging everyday until I turned 40. I didn't realize that the journey itself would lead me to so many places, people and challenges that the time for blogging wouldn't always come. I appreciate his honesty of wanting to follow a blog that was inspired not just put out to fill necessary blogging time. Thanks for that Cam!

                                           As i go through this journey and challenge myself with new books to read,scripture to look at and people to encounter while finding my FREAK i realized that an amazing lesson in finding my FREAK was right in front of me this whole time. The past few days has been a crazy time of fitting in the "last days" of summer and some worry about the first day of grade nine-perhaps more so from me than my daughter and throughout this time and my personal reflections I noticed a few things in my daughter as she prepared to go to highschool that i needed to take on my own "schooling" journey.
#1 She took the time to prepare. Not just gathering books and paper but talking to us about what it might be like and taking the time to reflect on it. I would watch as she sat thinking about the big day ahead and wondered if I took that same time each day preparing for the next.I know I have lots of books and journals for the journey but how much time am I reflecting and talking to others about what it might be like to find my FREAK again.

#2 she was honest about her fears.  Just laid it all out there for us, her fears of being picked on like in the past, not being able to keep up with the fast pace of the classroom and measuring up to others. Could I be that honest with my own struggles and fears? My daughter is Epileptic and so many of these fears are legitimate concerns about things she cannot control in her life. Most of her bullying in the past stemmed from her illness and the pace of classroom life is something she may always be trying to catch up on. I don't have those issues, most of my fears are based on feeling personally inadequate or not measuring up to this strange standard i set for myself when I first met Jesus. I was so desperate to not be who I was anymore that I forgot who I was-does that makes sense? I feel like I threw the baby out with the bathwater. I discarded all of me including the me that God made to be and didst realize that some of who I was was still ok. Part of this journey I have learned from my daughter is letting people know about my fears and know we all have them.

#3 She stepped out despite her fears. On the morning of her first day of public high school she stepped out the door, fears and all, not know\ing what was going to happen and unsure about the people, the building and everything to do with her day would be unchartered territory. She didn't know if she would have a negative experience or if she could keep up with the others but she stepped outside the door anyway.She only had the promise that God would be watching out for her ( a major part of our prayer for her first day) Thats what I want again! I want to step into each day with no guarantee of goodness but only of the promise that God had it under control. I want to be fearless like my fourteen year old. I want to be bold like her and just 'Go"

 I know not everyday seems like a major step for any of us-first day of school or journey to 40 but i have decided to look at each day like Hannah did on her first day. To prepare with not just tools but surrounded by community, to be honest about my fears and to step out without any promise of a good day but with knowing that no matter what happens God is on my side. I have a new spark for my JESUS FREAK journey thanks to my daughters first day of grade nine. I have decided to watch her more closely and take in the all the wisdom she has to offer me. You know the people i have met in my life that seem to have the most wisdom to offer me are usually too humble to realize it. I made sure she knew it last night before bed.

Thanks for following on my journey I look forward to all the wisdom I can gain from all of you.

Good thing Jesus loves me..... i think I am already failing this task. :)

This JESUS FREAK journey is proving to be harder than I thought. As I write this i realize how silly it sounds that I perhaps thought it would be easy-you know my journey with Jesus-i have so much growing up to do. Obviously I have already failed a big part of my year long blogging journey to find my FREAK simply because I have now missed 2 days of this personal journal writing. Plus some may think I have failed the biggest part of all by the fact that I am writing this as everyone at the church I normally attend is singing worship songs and I am not just late I decided to spend time with Jesus all day today and we will start off here with some of my confessions and then I will be at "church" getting a coffee at the local coffee shop and then walking to the park with my husband to discuss our journeys with Jesus. I thought I would feel guilty . I don't.God said it was ok that I didn't meet to talk to Him in the building-i read it yep in THE BOOK.

                   I am wrestling with something else though. Its with the fact that I get paid for the job I do at the mission. I know my title is Executive Director and believe me I dont make an E.D salary but i still wonder if part of this JESUS FREAK journey for me means getting back to the 5+ years that I did the job with no pay(money that is the rewards and blessings were certainly abundant) yet was filled with Holy spirit fire unending. I also realize that it seems insane for me to suggest that I dont get paid right now since my husband is currently unemployed. But I cannot shake this feeling that if the mission didnt pay me there would be less stress for fundraising. I wondered last night after I prayed if God needs me to release that money so that I can trust more in Him. What if the mission kept my salary and instead I relied on my speaking engagements for whatever blessing God decided? I will let you know how this part of my journey goes but what if my holding on to being paid at the mission is preventing Tom from finding a job? What if God is calling my bluff and really believing what I am relying on Him for?
                                                           Maybe i'm wrong. Maybe the white cheddar popcorn I ate before bed made me crazy but i cant shake this so i wonder is HE trying to tell me something? Am i missing something? Am I really just crazy?I dont know. Just another day in the life of my JESUS FREAK journey.

yes I missed a day...but theres alot to take in and alot to ask...help me out.

For those of you that are actually following I want you to know that I dont need to be reminded that I missed a day on my journey to Blog every day until I turn 40. If you really want to know I was on  adate with my husband at the drive-in and by the time we got home I was too tired but I will let you in on  something that has been on our hearts that was the topic I wanted to blog yeasturday so here it it...yes I missed a day but now I am looking for your feedback.
                                I told you before about the book I was reading called Sacrilege by Hugh Halter and I am almost done but I have already snuck a peak at his other book The Tangible Kingdom and the first chapter is called "Fiona" so yes I think I will love this book. Seriously though I am excited about the challenge this book puts out to what "church" looks like, what it looked like in the begining and what we have turned it into. I will fill you in on it all when I get through it more but would love to hear about what you think about "church". What do you think its role is or should be? Is the church really doing what Jesus asked it to do? Can a "church" be a "church" with no building? Does it need to have "membership" or are we all simply called to the Kingdom here on earth to look after our communities and bring the good news to someone over a coffee or slice of pizza? Lots of questions but trying to figure out what my responsibility is to God rather than to my local "church". Love to hear your responses and on this JESUS FREAK journey I think a large part for me is discovering where I fit into the kingdom and what is my responsibility to my community?

Love to dialogue and hear some answers for these questions I wrestle with.

The good the bad and the amazing FREAK

So today is really my birthday...my spiritual birthday 9 years ago today I met Jesus and I began to truly live. God has a great way of celebrating with us and today was no exception.

                               I started my day off with a meeting with a fellow FREAK but not sure he would describe himself that way but he is a man who is deliberate about his faith and needs to say nothing about it-all you really need to do is watch. Of course most of the meeting was him listening to me go on and on about my JESUS FREAK mission and we (well I) talked for hours about the people I knew that inspired this journey and keep me accountable to it. He is a great listener and a great encourager-hes also a pastor but don't hold that against him.
                                        My next stop was work and I am privileged to be working in a great place with amazing people who are serving the Lord. Our day started with alot of meetings and visitors that would be coming into the mission and trying to sort through all the donations that had piled up the last few days. After my morning meeting I could sense a tension in the mission that my FREAK senses were telling me something great is going to happen today and the devil is trying to mess with it!I was right-unfortunately and as we started to gather to pray before we opened the doors we could See by those eagerly in front of the line that our patience was going to be challenged. Of course we prayed for protection and for patience (boy i never learn) and spoke out loud about our knowledge of something great that was about to happen-I was letting the enemy know that God was on our side and we mean business. As we opened the doors and people flooded in one of them who can be a particular challenge to us had arrived but with a child today. We immediately prepared ourselves for the extra item-taking and "finger-wagging" that we normally do but as we did that this little girl approached the desk where i was sitting and around her neck she had a recorder-you know the kind they used to make you play in Grade 4. She just stared at me for a while and then said "my name is Helen." I said " wow so is mine!" she didn't believe me at first and insisted on some sort of I.D but I was able to identify myself with proof through the many people who know me there. She began to show me how she cleans her recorder and said she can play it very well but hadn't played this summer because she had been going to VBS and learning the  keys to Gods heart. She told us she was here with her grandmother and it was helpful because now she could explain clearly to her the "rules" of the place and our experience became much nicer. Helen took the time to ask for a pen and began to write on a piece of paper we have beside the prayer box and placed it inside. We waved good bye and i thanked her for teaching me all about her recorder but I learned a much greater lesson. When I opened her prayer from the prayer box it read "God thank-you for looking after us AMEN" This JESUS FREAK journey was a little painful today. I was reminded from that little girl that we don't know why people are in need but it doesn't matter we are called as FREAKS to serve-that's all serve-not judge-serve. God clearly is taking my commitment to this JESUS FREAK journey seriously-ouch.
                                                 I also sat in on a get to know and prayer session when I introduced my friend and pastor to 2 women from the mission community who are sisters and live together now because one of them is dying. She is too ill to live alone so now relies on her sister daily for help. She is palliative now and was seeking some prayer and comfort and knew we could find one of those pastors somewhere. As we huddled in the room that served as the bedroom,kitchen and living room I was in awe of this celebration of faith as a woman who knows her time is soon but takes in her last moments to ask for an ice cream cone before we begin to read scripture. We all listened as the pastor read from his bible and prayed for both woman. It was a living breathing JESUS FREAK moment in that tiny apartment when the 4 of us together in prayer, 2 eating ice cream and 2 honoured to be invited in.The sisters didn't take in his words because he said them but because he spent the bulk of his time there asking questions and getting to know them. His words, the scripture meant something more. It was more than just words.
                                                                   My celebration of 9 years wasn't over although I was already exhausted by His amazing moments He had taken me on to this point in the day. We receive a visit from our friend who is taking pictures from a project and is gracious enough to let me run around this crazy God-filled day and taught me about humility and grace and that was all of 30 seconds of this day. I love her.She loves to serve. What else can I say. She knew I had no time for her today yet she stayed and worked and hugged me good bye. A pastor from a church outside town who is talking about a church plant also came in and by this time I could lie. He asked how my day was and i said this is what God has done today....... and yes he got it all. Again gracious enough to let me talk and simply said what can our church do for you? My day wasn't even done then-I am not even kidding! As i am finishing my conversation with this visiting pastor a volunteer says " sorry to interrupt but there is a man outside you need to meet" so I went of course I went this was like the longest birthday of my life! I step into the store and a man greets me and we shake hands. He said he brought this son who is visiting him for the week and he is showing him all the places in the city that are serving the Lord. He asked about our little mission and I gave him the shortest answer I could but I did tell him that today was a great celebration of the birth of my life in Jesus and I said" so i guess really the birth of my obedience to God in stepping out for Him with naive spirit but a willing heart" He asked to pray for me and the mission. So I said yes. And he did-not a quiet in the corner prayer but a loud right there in the middle of the room in front of all those people prayer- a JESUS FREAK prayer oh how I longed for this to be a part of the missions experience again! The room went silent and although i knew eyes were rolling i didn't care there was a great sense the JESUS filled that room with a tangible spirit that everyone felt. It was intoxicating. It was a bolt of electricity from the KINGDOM this whole day for me and I can feel the FREAK returning!
Thank-you God for who you are and thank-you for your son and the spirit-the whole lot of yas!

WWJD? Sit by the fire and have a drink...its true he would.

WWJD? I admit it was one of the first "must-haves" for me as a new "Christian" my first time at the Christian bookstore. I needed to have a WWJD bracelet so people would know I was  "Christian". I also purchased a fish for our car, a wooden cross for my neck and tons of mangets for my fridge (in case someone came over and I forgot to wear my bracelet they could clearly see by my fridge that I loved Jesus). Yes these are part of my early JESUS FREAK days I am a little embarrassed about but the enthusiasm behind those purchases I would like to have back. I would love to have the fire in my step that made everything I saw in that store seem so exciting. If I had the money I would have bought one of everything.
                               I found that bracelet the other day when i was cleaning out the bathroom-sorry Jesus you ended up on the bottom of the cupboard underneath Tom razor and the "feminine hygiene products" Sorry. When did that happen? when did I decide i no longer needed to remind myself WWJD? and how did he end up under there? I think I might know. I remember a day when I realized that I no longer needed that stupid bracelet because I was becoming a "mature disciple" who knew the real Jesus. The Jesus who didn't care about the bracelet I wore but cared about the fact that I attended church on a regular basis, didn't watch bad t.v shows, tithe my money to my church, making sure my family lived in the safe neighborhood and my kids went to a safe school, i stopped swearing and of course stopped referring to Jesus as a guy who would sit and have a drink with us by a fire. When I went looking for my FREAK the other day I was so scared that what i found was this pretty, safe, quiet Jesus who had his arms open to hug and approve of my life Jesus. What have I done!?! No wonder I've lost my JESUS FREAK I turned him into Western church wear Jesus. Oh Jesus please forgive me!
                                    I have been slapped back into reality by a fantastic book that was suggested to me by a fellow JESUS FREAK friend named Sue. Sue goes to a crazy church where people who attend are allowed to choose what song they sing right on the spot, and they talk openly about the passage they just read and sometimes someone shouts out right in the middle of it but no one has a meeting to decide if they should allow that person to continue attending, everyone is welcome-just like that big book says. I love Sue. I love that she is ruined for "normal" church-clean ,white, properly dressed normal church. The book she suggested to me after sitting in her office for a few hours confessing that I wanted to get my FREAK back was, Sacrilege by Hugh Halter. I am only 3 chapters in and drowning in the FREAK! I am loving it so much i think I will suggest to some friends that I think are borderline FREAKS that we read this together and discuss-like in a "Small group" only where you can give your opinion freely without fear of going too far with your FREAK. If you get a chance to get it-I just started it but even if the rest of this is pure garbage it is worth the money for the first 3 chapters.
                                                                     Its a book that reminds you who Jesus was in scripture-the guy who produced MORE wine when the people had already been partying for hours. The guy who hung out with prostitutes and half-breeds,the guy who had a blatant disregard for the rules and regulations of the day. The people who started to follow him did just that-they followed HIM not doctrine or theology they followed HIM and learned along the way. That's all he asked.To follow HIM. Now. not when you know enough about scripture not when you've said the perfect prayer of repentance but now. I love a JESUS who I know would sit by a fire and have a drink with me. Listen to me, talk to me, love me. A JESUS who expects me to simply go out and Love others, listen to others and maybe even have a drink with them. I know we are called to be in the world but not of the world but I am pretty sure that didn't mean we walk among the "others"  i think it meant there are no"others". I am in love with JESUS but my mother said I always liked the "rebels" and you know shes right, I do I love my counter-cultural,rule breaking,wine-making JESUS! I cant wait to learn more about him and do my darnedest to follow Him.
 Minute by minute,day by day, I'll try my best.
P.S thats all HE asks. Our best.

Mother Teresa...She was a Jesus Freak.

I went for a walk last night with my hubby after a quiet birthday dinner with him and we went to the convenience store-I confess it was to check a lotto ticket that we don't normally buy but we did when we were in Leamington recently, i justified it by promising God the little house we passed on the way there that needed a roof really badly that we would fix it for them if we won. I know its a little silly but anyway. We go in the store and i see on the shelf of magazines right next to the one that reminds me that i need to loose weight and the other one that tells me all about the dirt on the royal family i see a Time magazine special addition on Mother Teresa. I was immediately drawn to her face, her smiling wrinkled face that couldn't hide her FREAK...her JESUS FREAK. I just wanted to skim the pages but Tom insisted we buy it-I think he could see how strangely excited looking at the photos of her made me. It was like a spark inside me. I started to read it on the rest of the walk home and I am sure drove him crazy with the "oh my goodness did you know this....or that...wow amazing listen to this" I was immediately hooked on my new JESUS FREAK Idol.

 I must admit to you i was a little ego driven by the fact that she and I share the same birthday and that she was the third and youngest child also in her family.....you know some divine connection. I will say that the knowledge of her birth order was encouraging to me you see third born last children tend to be risk takers, challenge authority and have a certain kind of built in rebellion to them. Yes even Mother Teresa! Of course I have heard of her before in fact lots of stories in Catholic school about this great nun who loved God more than i ever dreamed I could. But they forgot to tell us the best parts of her! The part where she HEARD the voice of God speak to her to tell her to go and serve in a place where no one would dare offer to go. The part where no one believed that she heard God and that they still thought she was crazy for going to care for the sick and the dying among the poorest of the poor. The part where her superiors at the order were not convinced she was prepared to start this ministry yet she took 15 months to lobby the POPE (incessantly) and then gained his approval. The part where her critics (yes she had them)and even some friends said she wasn't organized or planned enough to which she replied "We do not make plans, we do not prepare infrastructure, divine providence will guides us and in finding the means to support it". Wow what a FREAK...... what a JESUS FREAK. I am in love with her love for her great BIG GOD. I am in love with the moments she confessed to "darkness creeping in"and"longing to do more" I love that she didn't know how amazing she was. I love her humanity.

                                  I know when we read about a woman like Mother Teresa we instantly compare ourselves by saying"she's a saint, I couldn't live like her,she was sent from heaven" Well we all were sent from heaven, we aren't supposed to live like her and as far as a saint "technically " no she actually isn't one-yet. What we can do is look at her life and celebrate the moment that God called her to her unique mission and she answered yes, with no idea what she was going to do next. That is the piece we can look at and say where is God calling me to? Is He trying to speak to me but my life is so loud I cant hear him? When have i felt a "call" to talk to a neighbour, say hello to someone on the street or apologize to someone I have hurt (whether they knew it or not) Where are the times in my life that i heard the call to give money to help someone out or invite someone to dinner or spend time with my kids. I know I have heard those calls and decided "not today or when I have time" You see not everyones call from God is a ministry to the poorest of the poor in Calcutta but if we all just answered the little calls in our life God adds them all up and connects them all up for the greatest call of His Kingdom....on earth as it is in heaven.
                   
                   On this JESUS FREAK journey I am practicing listening more to those calls even if they just sound like a whisper. Its amazing what I heard when I turned off my t.v.......
We aren't supposed to be Mother Teresa and she could never be us but I love what she said "God doesn't ask us to do great things.He asks us to do small things with great love."

           Mother Teresa......JESUS FREAK