I have figured out something really glorious and really painful on this journey. If I am going to grow I need to be honest, which is hard and glorious. Its hard because although this is a personal journey for me people still take a personal stake in it somehow. Although I write this blog as a personal memo I realize that by posting it publicly it invites people to come along and the journey is not always pleasant. I will also confess to you that it was my way of connecting with other people who have struggles with their faith journeys and are afraid to say so-there sometimes isn't alot of room for questions or honesty,even in the church. It is also glorious because I believe there is a freedom for some in finding out that its okay to feel the way they are feeling and that it really is a personal journey with God and his messed up beautiful Kingdom. Its ok to not always pretend to be connected, strong, "on the right track", focused or free. Its ok to be the man or woman of God that Jesus knows is struggling because it is only in the struggle that we come out better if we are brave enough to go there.
I realized something this weekend too that as I write it down I can already imagine the people who will read this and say "its about time she figured that out!" On this journey God placed me on nine years ago I set out in a space of wanting God to use me to tell others His incredible story of how He changed my life and I have done that for nine years. I took great PRIDE and joy in proclaiming the good new of God in my life over and over again and would mention in a small way how my whole family has been effected by it too. This weekend I stepped out of the way and stopped hogging the spotlight of God amazing grace in our family and watched as God now had room to move in my husband to tell his story too.
It has always been a joke about how much I talk and Tom has to listen but I realized that it was no longer funny when I was too selfish to step back and allow more of Gods testimony to be told through the eyes of my husband. I took the long drive with him to Windsor to a conference called "Men of Valor" and although I did not get to hear him speak today I could see Gods anointing on him as he entered the space to speak of our amazing God who can change even the most challenging trials in very broken people. I knew the experience would stretch him in ways that were uncomfortable but his focus on sharing was to help other men who may be going through similar pain in their marriage and life now to see that there can be freedom. What I love about Tom is that he makes no apologizes for who he is and where he is at. He is fully aware of his brokenness and that he has a long way to go but recognizes that sharing some of his pain can bring healing to someone else. I have watched him grow into a stronger man of God day by day -willing to be wrong as long as he learns from the experience.
We have both come from pretty big places of pain in our life together and sometimes the world doesn't make it easy to heal. We live in a world where broken seems better and we seem to enjoy the pain so we don't support the healing. God doesn't waste pain in fact it will always bring healing if we allow it-if we are brave enough to go through it. Jesus died a horrific death so i could proclaim my JESUS FREAK his pain brought me life and his example of sacrifice in love is a hard one to follow but i know it is necessary if I want to find that FREAK again.
It took me nine years to step out of the way so God could work through my husband and send him on a whole new journey. Yes God could have moved me on his own years ago but it was a process that as a couple , as a wife I needed to realize in order to support my husbands journey with God. I had to figure it out for myself so I could continue to step back and let Gods light shine through him not just today but from now on. Sometimes we are the stumbling block on someone else s faith journey until we realize that we need to move out of the way. "God will not use you unless you move" was written on a piece of paper I found in my bible the other day. AT first I thought it was for ME to move ahead in my walk but it was much more than that. It was my fortune cookie from God that was a strong message to me to move out of Toms way and let God work through him for his Kingdom here on earth. After I prayed for forgiveness with a humbled heart I grew excited for this new journey we would be on together- a JESUS FREAK journey that was no longer a personal one because it was never mean to be.
Blessings to everyone,thank you for reading and thanks for your grace in following my journey.
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