Because you are mine and nothing else

I just love God. I have this image of Him leaning over watching me live this life and just before the next amazing thing He does is about to happen He is wide eyed and excited with His hands folded together bouncing up and down just waiting to see my face when I discover again that He has been orchestrating this moment all along and when I realize He raises His hands and says" YES!" .I'm not sure how "biblical" that is but to be really honest I don't really care...I have journeyed with Him through so much in these 13 years that opinions of man matter less and less to me. I started this blog wanting to find my JESUS FREAK and in that pursuit I have been confronted with MANY challenges which have forced me to find that FREAK or loose it all for good.....glad I stuck it out, I get why others don't but it makes me sad because the FREAK I thought I lost isn't near as sweet as this new one I could only discover through the last few years of confusion, anger, breakdown, calamity, struggle and pain........thank-you God for sticking with me like you always promised you would especially when I looked for you in times that you could not be felt.
I remember a time quite a few years back when I was asked to speak at a University Mission Day and how scared I was but eager to do it in my fearless JESUS FREAK early days. I have shared this story before but it came full circle last night ,as it always does if we have eyes to see it. The deep fears I had deep down at that school a few years ago were brought to the surface by someone in the morning who was there to represent another Christian university. We sat in the morning over coffee with another woman when I was asked why I was there, so I shared that I was a speaker. They looked my name up on the list and he turned to me and said "Wow God chooses the Foolish is such an original title for a talk!" and with that he turned to the woman and they both laughed at me. I wanted to run away but instead I walked with my fears into the lecture hall to speak, vowing one day I would be smart like them and no one would ever question my ability to speak to a room full of people more educated than me. One day God would provide me with the opportunity to use proper theological words and phrases that would convince people I was in the place I deserved to be speaking in. That situation that day would rise up in me now and again when I am in places and spaces where people who have a lot more formal education then I do, and a little fear would creep in and I would try to remind myself to hang on to Jesus for dear life and it would be okay even when I didn't say the right thing or know the "proper" phrases. I began to realize this was something I needed to deal with because truly I simply wasn't trusting God when I allowed this fear to rise up again and again. Yesterday God brought me full circle I think its called Gigal in the bible  but the odds are I am wrong about that but I don't care. I happen to get a message a few weeks ago from someone letting me know that the speaker they had for their banquet fell through and I was recommended by someone to share my testimony, so being the queen of speaker "fill in"  I said yes.......it just happen to be from the very place where that man was from all those years ago...immediately I thought about that situation and took a deep breath and went.
I shared my testimony of lived experience of poverty and the redeeming power of the cross and where God has me right now. I shared with the students the power of Jesus and how feeding the hungry and serving the poor without Jesus was pointless because only Jesus can truly save us. I loved it the Holy Spirit was so thick in the room. I had a few students speak to me after wards but one in particular stood out to me. He approached me and said" I need to talk to you. I have been coming here for many years and I want to thank-you for coming in. I remember being involved in youth many years ago and being excited about Jesus when we would hear speakers like you at conferences and it left me so on fire..........but its been a long time since I was excited about Him. Thank-you so much for coming I needed to hear your story, its been too long."   My heart broke for him. He has been in a place and a space for years studying Gods word but hadn't been excited for Jesus, he lost his FREAK too! He was in a place that I used to covet thinking if \I could only go to a place like that I could impress so many people, I could love God better, do more for Him. I said to him " Go and pray for God to reignite the fire that is in you for Jesus. It didn't go anywhere its in there you just need to light it up again!"
It was in that moment that I felt the hand of God upon me whispering to me " I never asked you to be smarter for me, I was never waiting for you to be better or more equipped to speak about me, I asked you to go and tell others what I have done in you, spread the Good News to those who don't know or have forgotten.....I never asked you to be someone other than yourself, not today and not all those years ago. You choose to listen to the enemy who understood your fear instead of resting in who I said you are....MY child.....equipped because you are MINE, nothing more nothing less but all you need to be. "   
What lies are you believing today about what you are waiting to have in order to be used? What are you waiting for? God has given you all you need right this moment right now!
I felt in the moment the temptation to be sad because that man who said that to me all those years ago was not there  but then I realized this had nothing to do with proving anything to him or anyone else in this life but stepping out in obedience to the One who created me and equipped me for right now.
I had an amazing vision of Gods hands raised high and shouting "YES!" 



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Jzqq4B8H2Q&feature=em-share_video_in_list_user&list=RDCqybaIesbuA

Week without- let it change me

If you have been following me on this journey of my WEEKWITHOUT fundraiser for CAP Canada  I wanted to apologize for missing yesterdays blog post, and this is my last one as my WEEKWITHOUT will end tomorrow morning!
I am both relieved and nervous about going back to "normal" which is a very loose term in our house, we are not exactly a nice normal family by any stretch of the imagination but you know what I mean, p.s so glad there is nothing "normal" about us other wise I wouldn't fit in. I am excited to see and talk to my family again, yes to all of you who think its a dream to be isolated from the people in your house for a week I challenge you to try it as it will give you a new perspective on the people you live with and do family with, they really aren't so bad in fact I have come to discover that my family are pretty amazing people who can handle a lot without me, wait that's not great. I guess that means I can stop trying to tell everyone what to do all the time because my way is best. As it turns out they can handle life without me after all, who knew.  All kidding aside I love them even more than I thought and I think I should probably tell them that more often, louder and with more affection than I usually do. My people are really great people and best of all they are mine. I truly have a new appreciation for loneliness even with the small amount of time I had it. God don't let this experience keep me the same, let it make a change in me and the way I walk in this world.
Choosing times of retreat and reflection are good things sometimes and especially if your intention is to be closer to God and I wish I had made more of this time to do that. I wanted to be able to blog to you about all the GOD TIME I had and I did have some but not in the superhero Christian lady way I thought I might, the truth is I spent a few days complaining, being frustrated, sad, lonely and miserable but  yesterday I found myself in the middle of a Holy Spirit awakening . I seemed to come out of the days of frustration and into a day where I just let loose with God almost challenging Him to "show up" like some weirdo who doesn't realize He is here always, the space must finally be getting to me, but seriously  I felt His spirit so tangibly yesterday and it gave me renewed energy and opened my eyes to a clarity to see a day that unfolded into this day of miracles upon miracles and watching him weave himself in the lives of people in that incredible way God does and it was breathtaking. I was even too tired to blog about it. I will take Holy spirit exhaustion any day! God don't let this experience keep me the same, let it make a change in me and the way I walk in this world.
I went to work today for a half day on my day off, I didn't want to be home so it made sense to go and work somewhere where people are that I can be a part of something, with this isolation at home I felt myself longing to be apart of something, a group a team and I became more grateful for places missions and ministry spaces where people can just "BE" for a few hours. Be apart of the energy, noise, laughter have someone smile at them possibly join a conversation. Coffee shops make money off of our need to belong, that's why we go there to work on stuff . We are pretending to go there to work alone but cant stand the idea of truly being lonely. God don't let this experience keep me the same, let it make a change in me and the way I walk in this world.
God let me see the beauty of the words in a conversation with someone. Let me embrace the blessings you have given me. Let me learn to love the noise of my not so normal family. Let me see how much stuff I truly have and shut my mouth the minute I dare complain of lack. God help me to draw even closer to you to unwrap all the amazing reasons you have created all of us for love, compassion and community......Forgive me for not believing your Word and needing a WEEKWITHOUT to have this revelation. Thank-you for how awesome you are to a mess like me.

There are still a few hours to go and donate to CAP Canada #Weekwithout. GO to www.capcanada.org/donate   and when you go back out into the world tomorrow please don't do it the same way. Generously give your smile, your laughter and your dreams to those who sit alone.

Week Without - luxuries right in front of me

If you have been following my blog for the last few days you will be well aware that I am missing my family very much on this #Weekwithout fundraiser ( to see details please check previous posts) but what I was noticing today was how many material luxuries I really had all this time and never noticed.
When I arrived home from work today I parked the car and walked around the house to the convenience store to cash one of those silly lottery tickets so I could collect the $12 which I am adding to the funds for #Weekwithout we have a charity target of $5,000 and every little bit helps, besides if I learned nothing from being convicted of old habits yesterday I certainly couldn't do what I really wanted and that was buy more scratch tickets lol, just being honest people, just being honest. The walk was wonderful I realized that I had been going from my 10x10 room driving in my car to the office getting back in my car and back into my 10x10 room with little time outside so this walk was just amazing! God forgive for forgetting about the luxuries of being able to walk to the store, wearing warm winter boots and coat and having this house to come home to , its actually pretty big, much bigger than I thought, much bigger than the house I used to complain about.
When I walked into the door I had to go to the washroom in a hurry and I could because we have a bathroom on the main floor right near the front door. God forgive me for forgetting about the luxury of owning 3 washrooms, those washrooms that I complain about cleaning. Many people do not own even one.
As I climbed the stairs to go to my room I looked over the rail and down to the living area and saw my furniture from up there, its beautiful, spacious and looks so comfortable. God forgive me for getting frustrated when people would come over when we didn't have enough seats for everyone to sit in or that I thought the room was too small. any people do not have even half that space or the people to fill it.
My husband was taking our youngest daughter out for dinner so I took the opportunity to use my second and last shower time for the week while they were gone. I stood in the shower and loved the feeling of the hot water it was a great feeling after being in my cold room for the last few days. The smell of the soap was glorious and I stood in that shower longer than I ever had before. God thank you for the luxury of hot water, clean shower and soap, I didn't even notice the old tiles on the wall and that my towels are the ones from our wedding almost 19 years ago that I used to make such a big deal about. Forgive me for forgetting that water is life and many don't have this luxury.
The door to our bedroom was open and I peeked inside, it looked so spacious and luxurious just like the rooms I was glancing over on the internet thinking about time away with Tom after this week. As I looked on the internet earlier and complained about how expensive the rooms are in hotels I guess I forgot that I had a luxurious suite right down the hall that we could go to for free. I saw it with fresh eyes tonight, God  forgive me , its beautiful. Many people would dream about that room and having someone to share the bed with.
Now I am in my 10x10 room again and it seems s0 small. I have towel drying off my bed clothing hanging on the other side, my food and dishes on one side of the floor and work stuff on the other and a few piles of clothes, I guess I need to go to the laundry mat soon. God forgive me for not being grateful for this small space, a luxury for many who would love to have it.
God forgive me for having all these luxuries and more right in front of me and not realizing they were everything I used to wish I had before I knew you, the things I dreamed about when I looked through the skylight of our old apartment with no windows....you gave me everything I asked for yet I still didn't appreciate it......all these luxuries right in front of me.

Many people dream about the very things you and I take for granted everyday. They live in spaces that are not even equipped to accommodate half of what we have and yet we want more. Please take a good look around you tonight and ask God to forgive you for not seeing the luxuries in front of you. Then I ask that you go to www.capcanada.org/donate to make a donation to #Weekwithout yo help raise awareness and funds to support making real changes in the lives of people who go without everyday. Thank-you

Week WIthout- old habits creeping in

Isolation does funny things to a person. I get the privilege of going to work for a few hours a day where people talk to me so I know it is not the same as someone who is isolated all of the time, I know now I could never handle that and have a different prayer life now because of it.
When I was driving home from work I immediately had a feeling of despair come over me knowing that I was coming home to my room, my computer and myself.........that triggered something in me....some ugly old habits of soothing myself to help me forget I was alone. Even in my early married life when I was not technically alone I felt very much alone. Neither my husband or myself knew how to do this married thing well and with two very broken backgrounds and nothing to believe other than ourselves we were left to grasp at whatever or whoever would distract us to fill the moment. I had a few vices but a couple of them crept up on me today on my way home. I had a package to mail so I stopped at our local store that has a post office in the back I dropped off the box and began walking around the store  looking for things to purchase but not just anything......I found myself walking out of there and back into my room with a bag of chocolate, chips and scratch tickets oh and a bottle of water.   Food and lottery were just two of the vices I used to have, EVERYDAY vices where I would spend money to possibly win money with the promise of escaping the life I felt trapped in, vices that would stuff my body to numb me from having to feel lonely and depressed. Vices that a lot of people did so I thought it was okay but the truth is anything you use to try and fill the hole only Jesus can fill is bad for us...it will lie to us, tempt us and eventually kill our spirit.   I scratched the tickets and felt so good doing it, I ate that chocolate bar so fast I don't even remember what it tasted like and I am left with a sore stomach and frustration about spending money I didn't really have on the idea that scratching that ticket could provide me with even more money.
How did I fall so quickly into these old habits with only 3 days into this partial isolation?
God forgive me and help me to go to you on my way home when I know it will be lonely.
God remind me that some of our clients will spend their money on things like lottery tickets and candy that offer false promises of escape and fullness because they are lonely , isolated, desperate for escape and to be filled.
God thank you for Christians Against Poverty and their system to help get people out from under the weight of debt and into the freedom that can only be found in your son Jesus.


Please go to www.capcanada.org/blog to find out how you can help me raise $2,000 for CAP Canada during our staffs #Weekwithout