Because you are mine and nothing else

I just love God. I have this image of Him leaning over watching me live this life and just before the next amazing thing He does is about to happen He is wide eyed and excited with His hands folded together bouncing up and down just waiting to see my face when I discover again that He has been orchestrating this moment all along and when I realize He raises His hands and says" YES!" .I'm not sure how "biblical" that is but to be really honest I don't really care...I have journeyed with Him through so much in these 13 years that opinions of man matter less and less to me. I started this blog wanting to find my JESUS FREAK and in that pursuit I have been confronted with MANY challenges which have forced me to find that FREAK or loose it all for good.....glad I stuck it out, I get why others don't but it makes me sad because the FREAK I thought I lost isn't near as sweet as this new one I could only discover through the last few years of confusion, anger, breakdown, calamity, struggle and pain........thank-you God for sticking with me like you always promised you would especially when I looked for you in times that you could not be felt.
I remember a time quite a few years back when I was asked to speak at a University Mission Day and how scared I was but eager to do it in my fearless JESUS FREAK early days. I have shared this story before but it came full circle last night ,as it always does if we have eyes to see it. The deep fears I had deep down at that school a few years ago were brought to the surface by someone in the morning who was there to represent another Christian university. We sat in the morning over coffee with another woman when I was asked why I was there, so I shared that I was a speaker. They looked my name up on the list and he turned to me and said "Wow God chooses the Foolish is such an original title for a talk!" and with that he turned to the woman and they both laughed at me. I wanted to run away but instead I walked with my fears into the lecture hall to speak, vowing one day I would be smart like them and no one would ever question my ability to speak to a room full of people more educated than me. One day God would provide me with the opportunity to use proper theological words and phrases that would convince people I was in the place I deserved to be speaking in. That situation that day would rise up in me now and again when I am in places and spaces where people who have a lot more formal education then I do, and a little fear would creep in and I would try to remind myself to hang on to Jesus for dear life and it would be okay even when I didn't say the right thing or know the "proper" phrases. I began to realize this was something I needed to deal with because truly I simply wasn't trusting God when I allowed this fear to rise up again and again. Yesterday God brought me full circle I think its called Gigal in the bible  but the odds are I am wrong about that but I don't care. I happen to get a message a few weeks ago from someone letting me know that the speaker they had for their banquet fell through and I was recommended by someone to share my testimony, so being the queen of speaker "fill in"  I said yes.......it just happen to be from the very place where that man was from all those years ago...immediately I thought about that situation and took a deep breath and went.
I shared my testimony of lived experience of poverty and the redeeming power of the cross and where God has me right now. I shared with the students the power of Jesus and how feeding the hungry and serving the poor without Jesus was pointless because only Jesus can truly save us. I loved it the Holy Spirit was so thick in the room. I had a few students speak to me after wards but one in particular stood out to me. He approached me and said" I need to talk to you. I have been coming here for many years and I want to thank-you for coming in. I remember being involved in youth many years ago and being excited about Jesus when we would hear speakers like you at conferences and it left me so on fire..........but its been a long time since I was excited about Him. Thank-you so much for coming I needed to hear your story, its been too long."   My heart broke for him. He has been in a place and a space for years studying Gods word but hadn't been excited for Jesus, he lost his FREAK too! He was in a place that I used to covet thinking if \I could only go to a place like that I could impress so many people, I could love God better, do more for Him. I said to him " Go and pray for God to reignite the fire that is in you for Jesus. It didn't go anywhere its in there you just need to light it up again!"
It was in that moment that I felt the hand of God upon me whispering to me " I never asked you to be smarter for me, I was never waiting for you to be better or more equipped to speak about me, I asked you to go and tell others what I have done in you, spread the Good News to those who don't know or have forgotten.....I never asked you to be someone other than yourself, not today and not all those years ago. You choose to listen to the enemy who understood your fear instead of resting in who I said you are....MY child.....equipped because you are MINE, nothing more nothing less but all you need to be. "   
What lies are you believing today about what you are waiting to have in order to be used? What are you waiting for? God has given you all you need right this moment right now!
I felt in the moment the temptation to be sad because that man who said that to me all those years ago was not there  but then I realized this had nothing to do with proving anything to him or anyone else in this life but stepping out in obedience to the One who created me and equipped me for right now.
I had an amazing vision of Gods hands raised high and shouting "YES!" 



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Jzqq4B8H2Q&feature=em-share_video_in_list_user&list=RDCqybaIesbuA