Had a great JESUS FREAK weekend full of great conversations about: life,God,Jesus,hope,confusion,inspiration,scripture,church,pain,faith, purpose,future,church,the kingdom and so much more.We seriously talked about all that stuff starting from Friday night to just now when I left church it has been a full weekend of amazing open honest discussion.
It all started when Tom and I watched a documentary about existence where someone went around the world and across america to ask people questions about God, religion, morality,faith,purpose etc. We watched as many different people from many different backgrounds and faiths gave a different glimpse into what they think is right or true. I loved when he traveled to India to talk to the many different religions there and we learned alot about groups of people we had made many assumptions about and we saw that there was alot more similarities between us then differences. I know that sounds cliche but it was so true. This led to a dinner "party" on Saturday where we sat down at our house with two very inspiring single mothers and began to talk about this whole journey that I am blogging about. I realized that through all they have to struggle with (much more than me) there roots were really deep in God so much so that they spoke openly about parts of their own journeys.We talked about who people think we (Christians) are in the world, our responsibility to help change that and the people who we thought we were called to be. Struggles about purpose, meaning and promises of God and scripture.One of those fantastic discussions where you are challenged by someone in love and witness to what grace can look like- to walk with ease beside someone on a journey whether you agree or disagree with it all.It wasn't some really over the top deep theological confusing discussion but more of a "here's what i have learned" "this is where I think God is calling us too" "oh i remember feeling like that this is how I walked through it". Oh those kinds of dinner conversations are truly a gift. A sense of feeling a step of growth on your journey.
At church this morning i prayed through the first 2 songs that I was coming in to the space for the right reasons and that I wanted to leave my baggage at the door and be open to the fullness of the experience. I thought that was the right thing to pray about-I guess we never really know at the time if its right-maybe there is no right ans wrong.The truth is I don't really know. But I prayed it anyway hoping to see some shift in my thinking of church as a place where my spirit hasn't felt right for a while-hoping it was selfishness I could pray away and be there for the right reasons. And then it happened. As church started and the preaching began i felt a sense of relief. Strange to say i know. It wasn't like i felt this fire ripping through my spirit like a holy ghost invasion but more of a sense that this journey that I am taking myself on with God is okay. The questions i have are not only normal but a good sign that i am on a journey of faith that is leading to something great. I confess that over the last few days i have felt (with some different feedback) that perhaps I needed to be careful what I expose, how something might sound to someone else,that i am aware that I may offend someone. Look if i start going postal on here and screaming "leave the church,God doesn't exist, send me $500 or we are all going to parish in the pits of hell because I am the new messiah" than please call someone, this blog needs to be stopped and tell my children to commit me to a nice quiet place to live out the rest of my days. But seriously. After being re- inspired by the stories of Gods people in scripture, Gods messed up, screwed up people in scripture and re affirming that He can and does use anyone but the screw-ups in particular-all of us I came away with this thought. If the people we read about in the bible had a blog and they wrote down all the feelings they were having and all their struggles and all their fears and questions I think it might look a little like mine sometimes.
I feel much better now. I feel better about this open, honest,strange crazy, questioning journey I am on with God. I am looking forward to where this is taking me next and maybe along the way I can continue to have great open conversations with people who agree and disagree about it and grow from it all. I guess maybe that's one of Gods point for the church-to challenge and grow with one another that maybe doesn't always look like a nice neat agreement but a difficult beautiful mess sometimes. I am excited to be looking forward to this season of church that is going to allow for a breaking down of scripture and helping us to find ourselves in God story. I am hopeful for a community that we can get uncomfortable with together and watch something magical happen.I felt a little FREAK coming on today but it seems to look a little different than I remember-but I guess it should. I need to keep that in mind.
Oh what a journey oh what a life oh what an amazing God we have!
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