The real purpose of the journey .

It has almost been one year since this JESUS FREAK journey started.....in two more days I am officially 40 years old.....I am so excited!
                 This journey has taken me places within myself that have been a bit scary and it has definitely been a year of growth, sometimes painful but so worth every minute. When I started this blog the idea was to find my FREAK again that space I was in almost 10 years ago when Jesus destroyed me to give me a new life. I thought finding that "excitement " about my faith again was what I needed but I now know all along God was bringing me to an even better place with Him......isn't it wonderful that He doesn't always give us what we think we need? Gods wisdom has saved me many times from myself. My FREAK for JESUS is here again but in a much more rich way, it is here with a sense that I soak more than I FREAK about it and my boldness that I thought I lost is here but it is more secure in itself which makes it even better. I thought I was looking to return to what I had but God wasn't okay with leaving me there, He loves us all more than that.
 Tonight my wonderful husband, daughter and best friend threw a fantastic surprise 40th birthday party for me. It was in the barn on my friends property, lots of wonderful food and I received amazing gifts......I was overwhelmed. As we went for the tractor ride as the sun was setting I was reflecting in my mind how the last 40 years of my life has been. I thought about the girl I was and the woman I am now. I thought about my relationships with family  and friends and my marriage and my children.......the good and the bad. I sat on that ride and thought about the people at this party some who have known me my whole life, some from my past and some just from the last 10 years or less and I couldn't help but smile. It amazes me how God can gather all of these people together in a space, all who have known me , loved me, been through great times but also some very dark times and have us celebrate together with one another. I thought about how awkward it really did feel at first when I saw them all and realized the party was for me. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the people whom God has placed in my life, how did I ever deserve this? I reflected on the people who were there some who I have hurt in the past and mended those relationships and many who just gave me a whole lotta grace in the times I have messed up and never needed any mending at all. I thought about all the people there who mentored me on this 10 year journey with Jesus and who may never know how instrumental their time, listening ear or simple example has been to me. I love how different we all are and how God uses us all to refine eachother and to even allow painful experiences to teach us mercy, grace and strength.
                I sat and opened many beautiful cards with words that inspired , made me laugh and made me cry.Opened beautiful gifts and gifts that will allow me to indulge in the things I love. I sat with my "BIRTHDAY GIRL" button and looked around a barn at God .

I saw the face of Jesus in everyone there. I saw how God took a broken life of mine and didn't just put it back together but reformed and reshaped it using the most important tool He has to do that......His people....my people ......all those people in that barn tonight. Not perfect relationships but messy ones....beautiful kingdom mess with Gods people. I could hardly breath when I said thank-you tonight. I realized in that moment that my search for my JESUS FREAK was over, It was never really gone because it was right there in that room. It wasn't about trying to get back what I thought I lost it was about realizing that God was moving me into a new phase of this journey and in order to move me forward He needed me to see what the FREAK really is. Its the relationships in the community of God that holds no barriers of where you attend church, IF you attend church, what denomination you are. Having my JESUS FREAK back was about the enormity of the spirit of God and that no box can contain it. No rules or doctrine or building. My FREAK was in the connection to people who live this crazy life in ways that inspire and provoke  It is found in a room full of people who do not demand perfection from me but demand a life lived full for God even if that looks radically different from theirs  My JESUS FREAK is back. Not the way it used to be but the way it is meant to be on this leg of the journey.
I think I may continue this blog as a personal reminder to me of the many ways God is still working on me. Thanks for reading it this year and thanks to everyone who has ever touched my life.