It was our first Christmas in the apartment above the record store.It was a great place, all new appliances two bedrooms and windows all around! The woman across the hall who didn't have much herself took the time to write Fiona and I a card and she knit a scarf for us. I remember how quickly she introduced herself to me when we moved in a few months ago and she tried to teach me how to knit. The hall wasn't very wide so we often heard what was going on in each others apartments, we could look out for each other, I was so glad it was just Fiona and I so for the first time i didn't fear the neighbors hearing what was going on. Our landlord and his wife brought over a bottle of wine and chocolates to thank us for being great tenants and for the first time in my life I really was. It made me feel so proud that I was finally on the right path. They often commented on how cute Fiona was when they would visit to check on us, always wondering why I never called to ask to fix anything or complain, hey had no idea that there was so much freedom in that apartment I never noticed anything else. Besides we never used the dishwasher,not enough dishes to fill it and the fridge never worked hard enough to break it was usually half empty. But this was going to be the best Christmas ever, just Fiona and me.
Peaceful.
Calm.
Hopeful.
Our little tree, given to us by my Mum and Dad filled out living room and the toys from the Salvation Army Free Christmas store covered the floor. The lights downtown shone through our window and I would watch from the window ledge inside and see all the people shopping from store to store, excited, angry , hurried, joyful and trying to get through the season. I never wanted to season to end. Tasting peace makes you hungry for more and you take a slow deep breath of it and try not to release it until you have let it take over your whole being. The snow falling. The lights. The hope and the peace that I prayed to that God that I didn't know and asked the God I didn't believe in to make it last forever.
I prayed that the bitterness and depression that was so deep in my soul would not find its way back when Christmas was done.
At least for now I could pretend everything was going to be okay eventually. If not for me but for Fiona, she was already so smart even at two years old. She never complained about anything either, already aware that I couldn't handle it. The doorbell rang and Fiona answered it. The guys from the record shop brought up a card for us and asked if everything was okay and wanted to let me know that they would be closed for a few days over Christmas so that's why we wouldn't hear the music playing downstairs. I loved that music, it never annoyed me it reminded me of life that I didn't have to open my door to let in. We had a card for them too signed by Fiona. They of course loved it.
The phone rang and it was my childhood friends mother on the phone asking what Fiona and I really love to eat and what treats we loved. I told her a few things but stopped out of embarrassment that she was going to buy something for us. I was embarrassed that she somehow knew we didn't have the money to buy that kind of stuff, We had the box from the food bank that had lots of food in it, most of it we didn't like but we were grateful just the same. We often re-donated the stuff we didn't eat back to the food bank, some of it wasn't written in a language I understood or was expired already or just really tasted bad. I felt guilty sometimes for not eating it all but it really did taste bad. When you rely on other people to help you in a time of need you are VERY aware of peoples opinions about "people like you" even if they don't say it to your face. I knew people thought I should be grateful for the free food and just eat it whether or not I liked it.I knew I was one of those "beggars who cant be choosers" I knew that more than any person who ever said it to me. The beggar always does, why do we think we need to tell them? She hung up the phone. I felt sick to my stomach like I didn't have the right to ask for good things even though she asked me. I was conditioned to not expect good things because of where my life was at right now. I was a beggar who didn't have the right to choose.
I put Fiona to bed and sat in the quiet of our place looking out the window again. It was marvelous. I would eat all that awful food everyday if I thought this peace could last forever, and if there was just a small amount of the good stuff for Fiona. The doorbell rang again. I answered it but no one was there i saw the door close at the bottom of the stairs from the hall. I looked down and there it was. The most glorious basket of delicious food i had ever seen! I couldn't move it without things falling off of it. I took things in my arms and carried them into the kitchen and went back over and over again until I could carry that basket without spilling it. There was real cheese and brand name crackers! Real fresh fruit and fancy nuts some plain some covered in chocolate! Real milk and brand name cereal! The fancy cookies with sprinkles on them you get in a tin! Fresh buns and lunch meat fresh from a deli! Fancy pickles, boxes of chocolates, mayonnaise and tuna with fresh bread! Fancy soups that you don't add water too, those little oranges that have no seeds! Brand name shampoo and conditioner FULL SIZED and fancy soap and bubble bath for Fiona! A small roast with enough veggies for salad and potatoes with everything to make gravy! I was so overwhelmed as I looked at it and as I filled my fridge i looked in the food bank box that I didn't need to put in the fridge because nothing in it was real food and it occurred to me in that moment that someone thought this beggar COULD be a chooser. They went to the store and picked out the things they would buy for their family and even included extra surprises that we didn't NEED but were such a treat and my heart melted. I couldn't wait to show Fiona in the morning and even snuck some of the goodies myself that night. I couldnt wait to watch her sit on our couch and place her little fingers inside that smarties box that was shaped like a Christmas tree and enjoy every chocolaty moment.
My life did not immediately change after that amazing gift, not for a long time but it is a day I will never forget. I am reminded of that day when donating to a food bank or mission. I am reminded of it when someone is in need and I have the choice to offer my leftovers or something I would never chose to eat or wear myself or whether I understand the God I know now who saved my life on that cross so that I may have and enjoy life to the fullest, if i really understand His gift to me is more precious than anything money can buy. I am called to be like Him to follow his example. Every gift I give should be measured with how much it costs me, I should feel the weight of it because every gift should be seen as precious because every life is precious. Every life, every beggar, all of us....He sent His son to die for all of us beggars who don't deserve His gift but He lets us choose it anyway.
This Christmas please remember that we are all beggars who cant be choosers. Bless those who are in need and make it costly and precious to you. It will scream the gospel message even if you simple ring the bell and walk away. Merry Christmas everyone!
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