Today is my birthday I am 39 years old. On august 29th 2012 it will be 9 years since I met Jesus for the first time and He saved my life. 9 years ago today i remember turning 30 and making sure that everyone around me saw me smiling despite the fact that my depression was at its peak and my only birthday wish was that i had the nerve to kill myself or at the very least somehow escape and leave my children to a better life without a mother like me. Oh how my life has changed! I have had a whirlwind relationship with Jesus that started off like any relationship does with fire and energy and excitement but as I approached my birthday this year and went through the list of things in my life that I wanted to change before i turned 40 (lose weight run a marathon learn a sport start writing my book learn to cook) i realized that none of those things will even matter as much to me because the one thing I really miss in my life-that something that for the last nine years has given me the LIFE to start a ministry,save my family and discover the goodness of life-Jesus, I lost Him where did He go?
The truth is He didn't go anywhere-i can still see him. He is just a little smaller than He used to be-I did that .9 years ago I could do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.I could behave in a counter-cultural way because i knew it didn't have to make sense to the word because I was to be in the world not of the world.My God was so big there was nothing I couldn't hope or ask for. I used to get called a JESUS FREAK. I miss that. What happened?I look at my life and know He is still there but He is underneath all that I put above Him now-He's behind the T.V,my job,husband,family,my body image,insecurity and He is really behind my church, especially on Sundays. I confess it has been a while since I went to church in the hopes that my worship would be pleasing to God and that I could come before him broken,rejoicing in the fact that in Him all things are new. I confess that i have been "churched" the one sin I didn't ever want to commit. It has happened.
I want it back. I want my FREAK back. I want to find my Jesus FREAK again. I want people to say things to me again like "that doesn't make sense!" "we don't live in a world like that!" "how do you know that will work ? Do you have a plan?"'I want to know Jesus now-the one that makes you so on fire!" I want to make room for Him again and watch everything fall into place when I do. I know that this search puts me in a position of attack from the enemy but I have battled with him before and know who always wins. I want to find my FREAK.....my Jesus FREAK.This is the purpose of this blog. I will be blogging for the next year in my search for my FREAK and hoping others will join me. How you lost yours doesn't matter to me but I would love to share my experience with anyone who wants to follow and learn from you as well. I don't know where this is all going but I am excited about the journey.Hope you are too.
Blessings and love
Helen
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