Fake it till you make it

To say I was nervous was completely understated.
I was more like terrified.
Seriously .
Like full on throw up what am I doing here terrified.
My mum would say "sometimes you just need to fake it till you make it" and right at that moment I was totally living in the middle of that advice.
I had all my notes that I had prepared for months, all my paperclips keeping my bible pages separate and the best clothes I could muster out of my closet. I set up the computer with my fancy PowerPoint ready to go and looked out at the empty seats that were about to be filled by mothers and daughters eager to hear something wonderful from the main speaker at the retreat they paid money to be at. This was day one and would totally determine the flow of the whole weekend and also determine whether or not some might sleep in the next two days to avoid listening to the speaker.
I thought about the irony that I was the speaker at one of these events. I certainly wasn't the greatest daughter in the world in fact I am sure most of my mothers sleepless nights with me were not in my infancy but rather from the ages of 14-29. Then when the pendulum is moved to my mothering skills to say the very least they were lacking and came from a place of trying to repair rather than laying foundations. These thoughts certainly didn't escape my mind in fact they consumed it as I drove with my daughter up north.
The enemy really had me in a place where he could do some serious damage and he worked overtime for those few hours that Friday afternoon. Quietly whispering in my mind. Going over and over again the times when I failed in both the mother of the year and daughter of the year categories.Listing all the things that I was not qualified to do by the worlds standards.

Now before I receive emails quoting scripture about being new in Christ I was way ahead of you on that. In fact the irony was that I was teaching on this very topic, God our potter, the work of his hands, new in Christ. I had read those scriptures over and over again for months......its amazing how the enemy can still get in though isn't it.

As they started to flood in I began to shake and prayed silently to God for comfort and wisdom and to stop me from telling bad jokes. The 20 minutes went by pretty fast and I laid the ground work for the weekend, including reminding them that I was NOT an expert on Mother/daughter relationships and they left the building. I would have to wait for feedback tomorrow, if I was ever going to get some. I went back to my room and looked at my cell phone. My husband who was at home feeling very sick ( some more guilt for the weekend) sent me a text that said, " Praying for your day.Remember if the Lord put it on your heart speak it. It is all about Him not what people think. Love you princess very proud of you xo."  Exactly what I needed and was something confirmed by my friend who was there for the weekend who said " your not here to make friends but you are here to teach Gods word".  When the enemy is all you hear you need to have back up in the army of faith to help you fight and with those two words of confirmation I had victory!

The rest of that weekend was amazing! Not only did the next three sessions of speaking start with no thought to throwing up but were met with amazing conversations with other mothers about similar feelings with their daughters. I laughed with them and their girls and enjoyed amazing moments with my daughter too. God gave me moments to speak into the lives of woman who were feeling some of the very things i was and gave me His wisdom to share.One of the greatest compliments I received that weekend was from a wonderful 12 year old girl who said " Helen your funny and I like the way you talk. You don't use those big words so I can understand what you are saying. I like that. Thank you"   It took my breath away. God knows what message we need to hear when we struggle. I always wonder if people will take me seriously when I teach because I don't use or understand big theological words. I simply give the message as God gives it to me in the hopes that others will hear it too because the simplicity of the Word is what saved my life. My gift is not how intelligent I am, how much scripture I have memorized or what letters I have after my name. My gift is speaking. Speaking the simplicity of the Word of God in the hopes that EVERYONE will understand because I believe that's exactly how Jesus did it and asks us to share it.

Before this weekend I had never done a retreat weekend as a main speaker.I have told my testimony alot and talked alot about the mission but never before was I given this opportunity I was so grateful for it  so I could keep going on this journey with God and taking the next step in what He has prepared for me. My calling isn't in what many people think it is . For the last 12 years God has placed me in places and spaces to learn in a way I could have never learned in school but God is a God of seasons. I know it would make many people comfortable to have me remain where I am doing what they think I should do but God has plans for me that are bigger than even I can see.

"Fake it till you make it" might really be true when God is apart of the process. To the world my entire resume and background leads not to the the place I am in now , only God can do that.In fact for the purposes of the job I was doing that weekend my resume made me look like a fake. Only God can put you in the spaces and places that make no sense to anyone else. Only he can take someone with a background like mine, an education that the world says "doesn't qualify" and experiences with people who the world sees as "less than them" and put me on a journey like this.

Never allow what the world says stop you from doing what God has called you to do. He will equip you and qualify you in a way the world never could.