I think this may be the hardest day of this week on my journey to help raise funds for CAP Canada during our Week without ( see previous blog for details). I knew it would be difficult to be isolated from my husband and my daughter here at home on a day to day basis but I forgot about how hard it would be on our traditional Monday night spaghetti night when our eldest daughter, our son-in-law, Granddaughter all of their friends, our "wooden" children and grandchildren come over for spaghetti. I didn't realize how painful the noise of their laughter, giggles, conversations, disagreements and stories of their days would be........isolation is hard, isolation within earshot of the noise of life is deafening.
Every noise is painful....the sound of the plates being filled with food, the babies screaming and "chatting" to each other, the sound of dads "greeting" their waking babies that they haven't seen all day, the sound of mums encouraging the use of sippy cups and eating "all by themselves", the sound of my husband "hosting" everyone and laying down new rules about EVERYONE cleaning up their mess, the sound of one daughter teaching her little girl to play nice with her friends and the other talking about how she is helping Dad this week because mum isn't around. The sounds that bring me such joy are so hard to hear but a wonderful lesson for me not to ever take for granted the incredible family and friends that I have. I miss snuggling with my granddaughter and tickling her until she giggles out loud, oh my heart I miss her so much. I miss watching our eldest daughter be an incredible wife and mother, watching her in those roles is one of the most incredible things to watch. I miss looking at and touching her tummy that is hugging our third grandbaby for a few more months until we can hold them ourselves. I miss being in the middle of the friendships in the room.I am so grateful to God for not giving up on our family many years ago, I know without Him none of the blessings of this life are possible.
The house empties as the "kids" go home for the night and my husband takes our youngest to coach her hockey game.....I cant go ....I wish I could .....I even wish I could keep score, a job I normally hate to do. I will miss listening to my husband play 90's rock music in the truck to "pump up" our daughter before the game ,I will miss seeing her excitement and commitment for her team, I will miss watching her team greet her with big hugs and "another goal tonight for you I can feel it!", I will miss cheering her on from the stands but most of all I will miss watching her Dad cheer on his little girl from the bench.
I thought the noise was painful but I was wrong the silence is far worse. It makes me long for the noise I use to wish would stop. It makes me understand why many of our clients don't want to give up their cable, I turned on the computer to find videos I could watch just to fill the silence, so I didn't feel so alone, for some people the only noise of joy they hear is the one played out in a sitcom on late night T.V......forgive me Lord for judging people for wanting "company" even if it comes in the form of actors, scripted lives and snippets of "life" played out in a 30 second commercial. We do not appreciate the painful "noise" of silence unless it's all you have. We do not understand the need for artificial family and friends until we are without them. We do not appreciate the noise of life that we sometimes long to get away from in the beautiful mess of family and friendships until it is gone.
God forgive me for the deafness of my own ears to the beautiful noises of my life.
Please visit your neighbor who is alone, say hello to the person you pass on the street and pray for those who do not have the rich blessings of family, "wooden" and real.
Please go to www.capcanada.org/blog and donate to #Weekwithout so we can continue to provide real tangible solutions to debt, poverty, unemployment, addictions and isolation.
***For those of you who do not know "wooden" family refers to people who are not related by blood but are your family just the same****
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