Isolation does funny things to a person. I get the privilege of going to work for a few hours a day where people talk to me so I know it is not the same as someone who is isolated all of the time, I know now I could never handle that and have a different prayer life now because of it.
When I was driving home from work I immediately had a feeling of despair come over me knowing that I was coming home to my room, my computer and myself.........that triggered something in me....some ugly old habits of soothing myself to help me forget I was alone. Even in my early married life when I was not technically alone I felt very much alone. Neither my husband or myself knew how to do this married thing well and with two very broken backgrounds and nothing to believe other than ourselves we were left to grasp at whatever or whoever would distract us to fill the moment. I had a few vices but a couple of them crept up on me today on my way home. I had a package to mail so I stopped at our local store that has a post office in the back I dropped off the box and began walking around the store looking for things to purchase but not just anything......I found myself walking out of there and back into my room with a bag of chocolate, chips and scratch tickets oh and a bottle of water. Food and lottery were just two of the vices I used to have, EVERYDAY vices where I would spend money to possibly win money with the promise of escaping the life I felt trapped in, vices that would stuff my body to numb me from having to feel lonely and depressed. Vices that a lot of people did so I thought it was okay but the truth is anything you use to try and fill the hole only Jesus can fill is bad for us...it will lie to us, tempt us and eventually kill our spirit. I scratched the tickets and felt so good doing it, I ate that chocolate bar so fast I don't even remember what it tasted like and I am left with a sore stomach and frustration about spending money I didn't really have on the idea that scratching that ticket could provide me with even more money.
How did I fall so quickly into these old habits with only 3 days into this partial isolation?
God forgive me and help me to go to you on my way home when I know it will be lonely.
God remind me that some of our clients will spend their money on things like lottery tickets and candy that offer false promises of escape and fullness because they are lonely , isolated, desperate for escape and to be filled.
God thank you for Christians Against Poverty and their system to help get people out from under the weight of debt and into the freedom that can only be found in your son Jesus.
Please go to www.capcanada.org/blog to find out how you can help me raise $2,000 for CAP Canada during our staffs #Weekwithout
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Monday, February 29, 2016
Week without - A painful noise
I think this may be the hardest day of this week on my journey to help raise funds for CAP Canada during our Week without ( see previous blog for details). I knew it would be difficult to be isolated from my husband and my daughter here at home on a day to day basis but I forgot about how hard it would be on our traditional Monday night spaghetti night when our eldest daughter, our son-in-law, Granddaughter all of their friends, our "wooden" children and grandchildren come over for spaghetti. I didn't realize how painful the noise of their laughter, giggles, conversations, disagreements and stories of their days would be........isolation is hard, isolation within earshot of the noise of life is deafening.
Every noise is painful....the sound of the plates being filled with food, the babies screaming and "chatting" to each other, the sound of dads "greeting" their waking babies that they haven't seen all day, the sound of mums encouraging the use of sippy cups and eating "all by themselves", the sound of my husband "hosting" everyone and laying down new rules about EVERYONE cleaning up their mess, the sound of one daughter teaching her little girl to play nice with her friends and the other talking about how she is helping Dad this week because mum isn't around. The sounds that bring me such joy are so hard to hear but a wonderful lesson for me not to ever take for granted the incredible family and friends that I have. I miss snuggling with my granddaughter and tickling her until she giggles out loud, oh my heart I miss her so much. I miss watching our eldest daughter be an incredible wife and mother, watching her in those roles is one of the most incredible things to watch. I miss looking at and touching her tummy that is hugging our third grandbaby for a few more months until we can hold them ourselves. I miss being in the middle of the friendships in the room.I am so grateful to God for not giving up on our family many years ago, I know without Him none of the blessings of this life are possible.
The house empties as the "kids" go home for the night and my husband takes our youngest to coach her hockey game.....I cant go ....I wish I could .....I even wish I could keep score, a job I normally hate to do. I will miss listening to my husband play 90's rock music in the truck to "pump up" our daughter before the game ,I will miss seeing her excitement and commitment for her team, I will miss watching her team greet her with big hugs and "another goal tonight for you I can feel it!", I will miss cheering her on from the stands but most of all I will miss watching her Dad cheer on his little girl from the bench.
I thought the noise was painful but I was wrong the silence is far worse. It makes me long for the noise I use to wish would stop. It makes me understand why many of our clients don't want to give up their cable, I turned on the computer to find videos I could watch just to fill the silence, so I didn't feel so alone, for some people the only noise of joy they hear is the one played out in a sitcom on late night T.V......forgive me Lord for judging people for wanting "company" even if it comes in the form of actors, scripted lives and snippets of "life" played out in a 30 second commercial. We do not appreciate the painful "noise" of silence unless it's all you have. We do not understand the need for artificial family and friends until we are without them. We do not appreciate the noise of life that we sometimes long to get away from in the beautiful mess of family and friendships until it is gone.
God forgive me for the deafness of my own ears to the beautiful noises of my life.
Please visit your neighbor who is alone, say hello to the person you pass on the street and pray for those who do not have the rich blessings of family, "wooden" and real.
Please go to www.capcanada.org/blog and donate to #Weekwithout so we can continue to provide real tangible solutions to debt, poverty, unemployment, addictions and isolation.
***For those of you who do not know "wooden" family refers to people who are not related by blood but are your family just the same****
Every noise is painful....the sound of the plates being filled with food, the babies screaming and "chatting" to each other, the sound of dads "greeting" their waking babies that they haven't seen all day, the sound of mums encouraging the use of sippy cups and eating "all by themselves", the sound of my husband "hosting" everyone and laying down new rules about EVERYONE cleaning up their mess, the sound of one daughter teaching her little girl to play nice with her friends and the other talking about how she is helping Dad this week because mum isn't around. The sounds that bring me such joy are so hard to hear but a wonderful lesson for me not to ever take for granted the incredible family and friends that I have. I miss snuggling with my granddaughter and tickling her until she giggles out loud, oh my heart I miss her so much. I miss watching our eldest daughter be an incredible wife and mother, watching her in those roles is one of the most incredible things to watch. I miss looking at and touching her tummy that is hugging our third grandbaby for a few more months until we can hold them ourselves. I miss being in the middle of the friendships in the room.I am so grateful to God for not giving up on our family many years ago, I know without Him none of the blessings of this life are possible.
The house empties as the "kids" go home for the night and my husband takes our youngest to coach her hockey game.....I cant go ....I wish I could .....I even wish I could keep score, a job I normally hate to do. I will miss listening to my husband play 90's rock music in the truck to "pump up" our daughter before the game ,I will miss seeing her excitement and commitment for her team, I will miss watching her team greet her with big hugs and "another goal tonight for you I can feel it!", I will miss cheering her on from the stands but most of all I will miss watching her Dad cheer on his little girl from the bench.
I thought the noise was painful but I was wrong the silence is far worse. It makes me long for the noise I use to wish would stop. It makes me understand why many of our clients don't want to give up their cable, I turned on the computer to find videos I could watch just to fill the silence, so I didn't feel so alone, for some people the only noise of joy they hear is the one played out in a sitcom on late night T.V......forgive me Lord for judging people for wanting "company" even if it comes in the form of actors, scripted lives and snippets of "life" played out in a 30 second commercial. We do not appreciate the painful "noise" of silence unless it's all you have. We do not understand the need for artificial family and friends until we are without them. We do not appreciate the noise of life that we sometimes long to get away from in the beautiful mess of family and friendships until it is gone.
God forgive me for the deafness of my own ears to the beautiful noises of my life.
Please visit your neighbor who is alone, say hello to the person you pass on the street and pray for those who do not have the rich blessings of family, "wooden" and real.
Please go to www.capcanada.org/blog and donate to #Weekwithout so we can continue to provide real tangible solutions to debt, poverty, unemployment, addictions and isolation.
***For those of you who do not know "wooden" family refers to people who are not related by blood but are your family just the same****
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Week Without - There is so much more to this
Yesterday was night one of my Week Without Fundraiser with my new job with Christians Against Poverty Canada. Each staff member is giving up something for the week that many of the clients that we see have to everyday. Someone is giving up their vehicle for the week, another living off of the $11.30 per week for food, one is only getting food from places that provide it for free in the city, another their warm bedding and soft surfaces to understand what it is like to get rid of everything in a bed bug crisis and another is limiting the items they are allowed to have to function for the week.......I choose physical isolation and confined space.
For a week I will be sleeping, eating and living out my day in a 10x10 room. I have a kettle as my only source of "cooking" as many people who cannot afford a good apartment will rent "space" somewhere in order to have money left over in their cheque to eat even if that space does not include a kitchen. I will be sharing a washroom with my 17 year old daughter but only having access to the shower twice this week as many people have to go through a sign-up process to use a free shower at a local shelter. I will also be confined to this room in my house and cut off from all physical interactions with anyone, speaking to them face to face, having to listen to "life" going on all around me but not being permitted to join in because many people are living in isolation due to their poverty,unemployment, addictions, mental health issues and a society that has forgotten to personally invite our neighbors instead relying on the growing movement of "everyone is welcome events" to draw people out of their spaces and into a social setting. These events are not something bad , they just create another excuse for us to not have to do the hard job of invading our neighbors lives and loving them in their spaces, finding out who they as an individual are and making this more than a visit around Christmas, Easter or other big holidays........wow I just realized how cheated God feels about that too when we visit Him on holidays and think we are doing something nice for Him.....no wonder He wants us to love our neighbors on a deeper level, it just might draw us closer to Him too.
In fairness I know my Physical isolation is not a true "experiment" of sorts as I do have the privilege of going into work everyday where people have to speak to me about something but as I entered into my first night I was struck already by how difficult it is not to be "seen".
When it was time to go to bed and I walked down the other end of our hallway into my space I already felt a sense of disconnection from my husband. I already felt "cut off" from him and started to miss him even though he was only a few feet away. As I climbed into my single bed I started to realize I wouldn't have his body to keep me warm, someone to laugh with or chat too and I would be waking up alone. The irony about all of this is that there were early years of my marriage PJ ( Pre-Jesus) when I did everything I could to get away from my husband, separating myself within the home, finding excuses to be out of the house and away from him and my children and being miserable enough to make sure I wasn't the kind of person you would want to spend time with and now here I am one night, just down the hall longing to be near him...Praise God for the reminder of how our marriage has changed and the heart that only Jesus can give you for your spouse!
I was struck by the noises i could hear like my daughter giggling on her computer but that I wasn't allowed to join in on it as her mum. I was also struck by how cold this room actually is and we should have believed our 5 year old when she told us her room was cold.
When I woke up this morning alone I was convicted by the times I have privately "dismissed" the single women in my life with the idea that its not so bad having the bed to yourself or the independence to do whatever you want with no one else input....to all of you I am sorry. Waking up alone is not fun, I even miss the jokes my husband and I make to each other about our bad breath and this is only day one! Oh Jesus help me get through this because apparently I am more of a princess than I thought! I am sorry for dismissing your single girl loneliness ,
I hear my family walking in the hallway chatting and getting ready for church.....I cant go. The amount of Sunday mornings that I have grumbled about getting up and having to get my teenager out of bed for church are too many to mention and I am immediately convicted by it this morning when I am not allowed to, the worst part is she got up a little easier for her dad too which is driving me crazy! God is using this week to absolutely reveal to me the places and spaces and people in my life that I have some to take for granted. I am excited and a little nervous about how He will continue to teach me this week.
I know this is only an "experiment" and not one that is completely accurate because I know if I was truly alone and completely isolated I would not have a husband who sorta cheats for me.......yesterday when we were talking about what this week might look like we both said at the same time "what about our devotional time?" and my heart sunk. Tom and I have been doing a morning devotional and prayer together now for over a year no matter where we are we make sure we do it as it has become something so rich to our relationship its just too bad we waited until he was on deaths door to start it but for two stubborn people like us sometimes it takes that for God to shake us into doing what we needed to do a long time ago. My heart was so filled that he was worried about it too as I sometimes wondered if he was doing just to keep me quiet some mornings. He sent me a text message with his prayer for me today and yes I cheated and sent one back to him.
God forgive me for not seeing all that I have in front of me and realizing the richness of it all.God forgive me for forgetting about how even the heart of someones prayer for us is something everyone needs to hear, forgive me for the nudges you have given me to pray for a stranger and I have been too busy to do it. God help me to see what this week is going to teach me, not just what I was trying to get out of it but what your greater purpose is in all of it. God I pray for all those who are lonely and isolated today I pray they will get a knock on their door with a friendly invite, a prayer and a smile from a stranger. Go i thank-you that in knowing you we are never alone. I also thank-you that you have created us for community with one another so other people can help remove the things about us that are ugly and we don't stay stuck as the people you never intended for us to be.
****Please go to https://capcanada.org/blog to find out more about #WeekWithout and please donate to CAP for this cause so they can be used by God to continue to do the work they do to help people out of poverty, debt, addiction and unemployment AND loneliness. God bless you all!
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Are we really just cool Cafeteria kids?
I used to think it would be really great if I was surrounded by family who were all believers like me. I watch people who were raised in "Christian" homes and have generations of believers who go before them and I used to think I was missing something by not having that for myself or my children until 13 years ago in our family. Don't get me wrong there is absolutely something wonderful about a legacy like that but I have to tell you lately I have begun to appreciate more and more having a family that questions my faith, my belief system and the Church.
I have people in my life who are on their own spiritual journeys that definitely don't look anything like mine. I have loved ones who think this is just my latest "thing" that I have decided to be passionate about but only until something else comes along and there are others close to me who have an absolute hatred for anything connected to the Church. I used to spend a lot of time being sad about having to defend my faith to them trying really hard to prove to them that all they think about the Church is not true. But the truth of the matter is I am grateful for having people who question, and even doubt my faith and this Church I belong to because it keeps me from glossing over things that go on in this big community of ours and causes me to lift the veil of truth to keep me from becoming the blue haired lady in the back row who simple accepts what goes on, that lady who has grown old in her belief of the importance of attending Church on Sunday, giving money and going "with the flow".......that lady who lost her "FREAK, her JESUS FREAK"
I have seen us, this community of believers, take ownership of things that belong to God and twist them to suit our own purposes. I have witnessed us use the mission work we do as badges of honor to prop us up in the eyes of the Church, the idea of freely giving to God what belongs to Him but only if we will "profit" from it in the form of a tax receipt and worst of all I watch as we take Church and try to squish it into some weird "formula" of how it is supposed to look. While I admit I have ALOT to learn about the Word of God but it seems pretty clear to me that this strange ownership we have of Church( the building and the very word itself) seems to be a strange way for us to separate ourselves from the very people we are called to love and share the Good News with.
The bibles definition of Church comes from the Greek word ecclesia which means a called out company or assembly. When it is used in the bible it is referring to people (Acts 19:30-41) (Ephesians 1:22 Ephesians 5:25,32 ) We as believers are called the church, our bodies the temple of God and like a physical building we also have a cornerstone foundation which is Jesus Christ. I realize this may sound like I am anti-church but actually I am not. I think people and communities all have the right to assemble where they want, in whatever building they want, sing whatever songs they want, pray on their knees or standing or sitting, drink coffee during service or not, wave flags or raise their hands or do whatever else the community they belong to decides helps bring them into unity with one another and especially with God.......but this seems to be my problem actually . You see I believe that EVERYONE has the right to pray, worship and belong wherever they feel their church is, even if its doesn't look anything like the place I go (which by the way is in a Legion building) . You see in 13 years of ministry I discovered that many people talk about how they don't believe in God but the truth is when you dig down its not God they don't believe in its the hypocrisy of the place that did not make them feel welcome that they want to have no part of. I know with the movements lately of urban churches etc that are "welcome to anyone" seem to pop up but I want you to know there are still people among us whom that "formula" doesn't welcome them at all. I actually do know of a couple of places that do welcome all people well but they are the exception rather than the rule AND I also know that they are to be "officially" called something else when they meet on a Sunday because to call it church is not allowed because essentially whether we believe it or not we Christians have taken ownership of the very word. I know the people we talk about that we are called to love on a Sunday morning but the truth is they would rarely be welcomed with their smelly clothes, bags of "treasure" that are covered in bugs and their inability to sit still for 30 minutes and not interrupt with questions that will come up when we use our "churchy language" and theology when we are explaining a passage. Some of us don't even understand when the pastor is speaking but even we don't dare ask.
If the bible says church is within us and an assembly of people gathered to worship why do we try to only mold it into something that s comfortable for the majority of us inevitably leaving a group of people left out like some weird cafeteria scene in high school where the cool kids who are better dressed and considered cool don't dare welcome those other kids to their table? Maybe we need to have a conference called the Breakfast club.We do realize that church doesn't look the same in other parts of the world right? The way people gather in Africa won't look the same as the way people gather in China but it is still church right!?
isn't the point of this Christianity thing to share the Good News that Jesus dies for all of us? Isn't that the idea of missionaries who risk their lives overseas to tell this Good News to those who may never get the chance to hear it? Shouldn't that include the homeless individual who will never fit into most church buildings on a Sunday morning? Shouldn't they be able to hear the Word, worship, pray, ask questions when they don't understand, swear and come as they are to the feet of Jesus in a place , any place that they feel like they belong? Shouldn't they be able to call this place their church even if it doesn't fit the mold WE have created ? Are they not also temples of the Holy Spirit are they not assembling with their community, the biblical definition of church? Gods table is big enough for everyone right?!?Or is it only Gods table if its in the comfort of our building, our rituals our kind of people?!................I really hope I am not going to have to go back to my next family dinner and tell them all that they were right about this whole church thing. I really don't want to do that.
I have people in my life who are on their own spiritual journeys that definitely don't look anything like mine. I have loved ones who think this is just my latest "thing" that I have decided to be passionate about but only until something else comes along and there are others close to me who have an absolute hatred for anything connected to the Church. I used to spend a lot of time being sad about having to defend my faith to them trying really hard to prove to them that all they think about the Church is not true. But the truth of the matter is I am grateful for having people who question, and even doubt my faith and this Church I belong to because it keeps me from glossing over things that go on in this big community of ours and causes me to lift the veil of truth to keep me from becoming the blue haired lady in the back row who simple accepts what goes on, that lady who has grown old in her belief of the importance of attending Church on Sunday, giving money and going "with the flow".......that lady who lost her "FREAK, her JESUS FREAK"
I have seen us, this community of believers, take ownership of things that belong to God and twist them to suit our own purposes. I have witnessed us use the mission work we do as badges of honor to prop us up in the eyes of the Church, the idea of freely giving to God what belongs to Him but only if we will "profit" from it in the form of a tax receipt and worst of all I watch as we take Church and try to squish it into some weird "formula" of how it is supposed to look. While I admit I have ALOT to learn about the Word of God but it seems pretty clear to me that this strange ownership we have of Church( the building and the very word itself) seems to be a strange way for us to separate ourselves from the very people we are called to love and share the Good News with.
The bibles definition of Church comes from the Greek word ecclesia which means a called out company or assembly. When it is used in the bible it is referring to people (Acts 19:30-41) (Ephesians 1:22 Ephesians 5:25,32 ) We as believers are called the church, our bodies the temple of God and like a physical building we also have a cornerstone foundation which is Jesus Christ. I realize this may sound like I am anti-church but actually I am not. I think people and communities all have the right to assemble where they want, in whatever building they want, sing whatever songs they want, pray on their knees or standing or sitting, drink coffee during service or not, wave flags or raise their hands or do whatever else the community they belong to decides helps bring them into unity with one another and especially with God.......but this seems to be my problem actually . You see I believe that EVERYONE has the right to pray, worship and belong wherever they feel their church is, even if its doesn't look anything like the place I go (which by the way is in a Legion building) . You see in 13 years of ministry I discovered that many people talk about how they don't believe in God but the truth is when you dig down its not God they don't believe in its the hypocrisy of the place that did not make them feel welcome that they want to have no part of. I know with the movements lately of urban churches etc that are "welcome to anyone" seem to pop up but I want you to know there are still people among us whom that "formula" doesn't welcome them at all. I actually do know of a couple of places that do welcome all people well but they are the exception rather than the rule AND I also know that they are to be "officially" called something else when they meet on a Sunday because to call it church is not allowed because essentially whether we believe it or not we Christians have taken ownership of the very word. I know the people we talk about that we are called to love on a Sunday morning but the truth is they would rarely be welcomed with their smelly clothes, bags of "treasure" that are covered in bugs and their inability to sit still for 30 minutes and not interrupt with questions that will come up when we use our "churchy language" and theology when we are explaining a passage. Some of us don't even understand when the pastor is speaking but even we don't dare ask.
If the bible says church is within us and an assembly of people gathered to worship why do we try to only mold it into something that s comfortable for the majority of us inevitably leaving a group of people left out like some weird cafeteria scene in high school where the cool kids who are better dressed and considered cool don't dare welcome those other kids to their table? Maybe we need to have a conference called the Breakfast club.We do realize that church doesn't look the same in other parts of the world right? The way people gather in Africa won't look the same as the way people gather in China but it is still church right!?
isn't the point of this Christianity thing to share the Good News that Jesus dies for all of us? Isn't that the idea of missionaries who risk their lives overseas to tell this Good News to those who may never get the chance to hear it? Shouldn't that include the homeless individual who will never fit into most church buildings on a Sunday morning? Shouldn't they be able to hear the Word, worship, pray, ask questions when they don't understand, swear and come as they are to the feet of Jesus in a place , any place that they feel like they belong? Shouldn't they be able to call this place their church even if it doesn't fit the mold WE have created ? Are they not also temples of the Holy Spirit are they not assembling with their community, the biblical definition of church? Gods table is big enough for everyone right?!?Or is it only Gods table if its in the comfort of our building, our rituals our kind of people?!................I really hope I am not going to have to go back to my next family dinner and tell them all that they were right about this whole church thing. I really don't want to do that.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
A Real Resolution
This is not another blog about New Years resolutions.......Okay maybe it is but its not about how to keep them or that you should even have them, perhaps it is more about reclaiming them for something that will actually benefit us.
Trust me there is nothing I hate more than those things, they sound really great on December 31st but then immediately start to dwindle by the time we watch the ball drop into the next year. Over my lifetime I have witnessed people decide to give up drinking and then toast with champagne , I have decided to eat better and then stuff myself in the name of celebration, I have decided to exercise more then sleep in after a long night and stay in my PJ's the whole next day and so on and so on. More often than not my attempt at resolutions are never for myself anyway , although they certainly are packaged that way. I say I want to eat less and move more for my health and that might be a little bit true but if I was honest a huge part of it is to look better in this world for other people, even my friend who declared to stop drinking was doing it for his family not truly for himself, he wasn't ready yet. This is why resolutions suck. Infact they are like most other parts of our lives if we are honest. They sound good, feel good saying them out loud or writing them in a book, they even look good for a while until the inevitable happens and the very thing that made us feel so good saying, writing, committing to and helped us look so good ends up turning on us into a pile of guilt, shame and condemnation because we are now too weak, too lazy, not strong enough, not determined enough, not "one of those people" that we think exist because of our distorted lens of social media and we are in a strange pit that seems even deeper than the one we declared we were escaping from on December 31.........what the heck just happened?!?!?
Much of this whole resolution thing, although its been alive and well for many years, is a new unachievable fairy tale place that exists only on Pinterest, Facebook, twitter and Instagram. Its a land of perfect moms who have perfect bodies, perfect kids, perfect husbands, perfect pets, perfect houses, perfect friends, perfect meals. Beside her lives that perfect couple, with the perfect jobs, the perfect condo, the perfect lifestyle and go on their perfect vacations. This is the community of perfect Christians who memorize the bible , pray for hours from the crack of dawn everyday,go to the perfect church, only watch and listen to good godly messages, have good godly perfect children who go to the perfect Christian school and have the perfect Christian friends and are eager to work side by side with their parents on humanitarian missions, they have a good godly perfect Christian marriage and the skeletons in their closets (just like the ones we all have) are camouflaged beautifully by their social media accounts that lift them up by the bodies of those of us who live under the weight of this unattainable perfection.
Any resolution I thought about having this year was only a reflection of the fact that my life NEVER resembles any of this list EVER! I started to wonder and pray if I had been a part of this incredible false sense of achievement via social media........was I too making victims of what my life looks like on the internet? I looked at my life, our life over the last few years and realized that yes I too had put out some posts that made things look better than they actually were, although in fairness I feel like if I put out ALL of our junk the internet might explode lol! Many people know that life has not been a bed of roses for our family that last few years but more of a series of weeds growing in some dead grass with the occasional awesome beautiful bloom growing up in midst of it all. Often things were totally out of control, Sometimes we had to look hard and clear out a lot of weeds in our life ( unhealthy people, places and things) but the blooms were truly beautiful. That's who God is though, isn't He............He does let us grow a few weeds so we will do the work of clearing them out to see His beauty. Isaiah 61:3
This year instead of one of those resolutions that are just feeble attempts to live up to a perfection that never existed in the first place I have decided to try my best to follow this list I wrote for myself that will be in my purse, on my fridge, in my car anywhere I need to be reminded of what really matters in life:
1. Truly let it go - Seriously people lets all pull an Elsa from Frozen, yes even if you need to sing that annoying song to remind you to let it go do it! When we hang onto garbage our own or others we become heavy, drained and tired I don't know about you but this makes me feel almost as good as a cardio workout when we drop it all. The truth is I don't care how much you weigh, if you are carrying around the garbage of guilt, shame, condemnation, unachievable perfection you will feel like you are 600 lbs even if your 105lbs. I promise we will all feel healthier in body mind and spirit when we decide to let it go, all of it, all the hurt , pain especially what others have done to you. I promise we will all feel lighter and able to do more than we could ever imagine. Forgiveness does that, honest I know this for sure, I just have to learn to go to it FIRST before I hold onto the garbage until it drowns me, drains me of any life-giving energy. Col 3:13
2. Clear out the weeds - I am not exactly someone who has a green thumb but I know enough to know that if you leave the weeds not only can you not see the beautiful flowers but it leaves no room for more to grow. This may seem like a contradiction to the first item on my list about letting go and forgiving but its not, Letting go and forgiving can still happen but sometimes you need to remove the "weedy" people, places and things of life that keep popping up. We only have a short time on this earth and I believe we are to be loving and kind to everyone but NOT to the detriment of our health. Unless we pull weeds out by the root they will spring up somewhere else in the garden and caused more problems elsewhere. Choose a small (1-2) group of people in your life as those whom you can spill everything too and know it stays with them AND that they wont just say they will pray for you but they will. Choose people who live what they say. People who understand that time in silence with God is more important than a clean house or clean floors. People who care more about being with God than being the person people think they should be. Find these people in your life. Find places to go to be with God, life-giving places, taking the time to do nothing with Him. Do things to breathe life into you even if they world says that is not a goal worthy of a social media post. Take time to be alone because people will always want a piece of you, be careful who you give yourself to, even Jesus took time away from people. My mother always says " People are either builders or destroyers they are never both" Choose builders, people who are not just a builder to your face but behind the scenes too. These are the people who help us weed our gardens and add new life to them. Luke 5: 15-16
3. Believe God is who He says He is for YOUR life not someone elses - God has a plan for your life, I know you have heard this before but its true I think the problem is we look around at other peoples lives and think we need to live that one too, wow that would be pretty boring wouldn't it?!? Besides I've tried to do that it never works God has equipped you for a very specific purpose and all the tools necessary to do it. GOD has a plan for your life, no one else is God lets be clear about that, People often place us in a category of who they think you are generally without really taking the time to know you . We often think spending time in the same space as someone means we know them and that is terribly wrong. Go to the Word, read about how awesome God is, then read it some more and then believe He is still alive and active and waiting to perform amazing miracles in and through your life if you let Him. There is no better freedom than being in those moments when you feel Gods hand on your life. When you realize the places that felt like you were falling apart God was really putting you into place. When you see our lasagna God at His best , layering your life for great purpose. Believe Him and feel your life change for the better. 2Cor 6:16
When we let go , clear the weeds and believe God is who He says HE is there is nothing we cannot accomplish if it is in His will. Yes we should take care of ourselves, yes I need to loose some weight for my health but if I don't clear my life of the things preventing me from the freedom of a life in the fullness of God it doesn't matter how much I weigh or how much I go to the gym. The best part is when I live my life as close as I can to these three things, all the rest seems to fall into place. This is not a list intended to add any pressure to you or me I promise. I will be trying and failing just like you but I know if this list is my focus I will be the better for it.
Happy New year but remember God is more than 365 days a year, He is eternal, forever and everlasting! If you are reading this and have not given your life to the Lord don't waste another moment! DO not step into 2016 without surrendering your life to Him! Just ask for His forgiveness, ask him into your heart and receive His grace. THIS would be the best "resolution" you have EVER made!
Trust me there is nothing I hate more than those things, they sound really great on December 31st but then immediately start to dwindle by the time we watch the ball drop into the next year. Over my lifetime I have witnessed people decide to give up drinking and then toast with champagne , I have decided to eat better and then stuff myself in the name of celebration, I have decided to exercise more then sleep in after a long night and stay in my PJ's the whole next day and so on and so on. More often than not my attempt at resolutions are never for myself anyway , although they certainly are packaged that way. I say I want to eat less and move more for my health and that might be a little bit true but if I was honest a huge part of it is to look better in this world for other people, even my friend who declared to stop drinking was doing it for his family not truly for himself, he wasn't ready yet. This is why resolutions suck. Infact they are like most other parts of our lives if we are honest. They sound good, feel good saying them out loud or writing them in a book, they even look good for a while until the inevitable happens and the very thing that made us feel so good saying, writing, committing to and helped us look so good ends up turning on us into a pile of guilt, shame and condemnation because we are now too weak, too lazy, not strong enough, not determined enough, not "one of those people" that we think exist because of our distorted lens of social media and we are in a strange pit that seems even deeper than the one we declared we were escaping from on December 31.........what the heck just happened?!?!?
Much of this whole resolution thing, although its been alive and well for many years, is a new unachievable fairy tale place that exists only on Pinterest, Facebook, twitter and Instagram. Its a land of perfect moms who have perfect bodies, perfect kids, perfect husbands, perfect pets, perfect houses, perfect friends, perfect meals. Beside her lives that perfect couple, with the perfect jobs, the perfect condo, the perfect lifestyle and go on their perfect vacations. This is the community of perfect Christians who memorize the bible , pray for hours from the crack of dawn everyday,go to the perfect church, only watch and listen to good godly messages, have good godly perfect children who go to the perfect Christian school and have the perfect Christian friends and are eager to work side by side with their parents on humanitarian missions, they have a good godly perfect Christian marriage and the skeletons in their closets (just like the ones we all have) are camouflaged beautifully by their social media accounts that lift them up by the bodies of those of us who live under the weight of this unattainable perfection.
Any resolution I thought about having this year was only a reflection of the fact that my life NEVER resembles any of this list EVER! I started to wonder and pray if I had been a part of this incredible false sense of achievement via social media........was I too making victims of what my life looks like on the internet? I looked at my life, our life over the last few years and realized that yes I too had put out some posts that made things look better than they actually were, although in fairness I feel like if I put out ALL of our junk the internet might explode lol! Many people know that life has not been a bed of roses for our family that last few years but more of a series of weeds growing in some dead grass with the occasional awesome beautiful bloom growing up in midst of it all. Often things were totally out of control, Sometimes we had to look hard and clear out a lot of weeds in our life ( unhealthy people, places and things) but the blooms were truly beautiful. That's who God is though, isn't He............He does let us grow a few weeds so we will do the work of clearing them out to see His beauty. Isaiah 61:3
This year instead of one of those resolutions that are just feeble attempts to live up to a perfection that never existed in the first place I have decided to try my best to follow this list I wrote for myself that will be in my purse, on my fridge, in my car anywhere I need to be reminded of what really matters in life:
1. Truly let it go - Seriously people lets all pull an Elsa from Frozen, yes even if you need to sing that annoying song to remind you to let it go do it! When we hang onto garbage our own or others we become heavy, drained and tired I don't know about you but this makes me feel almost as good as a cardio workout when we drop it all. The truth is I don't care how much you weigh, if you are carrying around the garbage of guilt, shame, condemnation, unachievable perfection you will feel like you are 600 lbs even if your 105lbs. I promise we will all feel healthier in body mind and spirit when we decide to let it go, all of it, all the hurt , pain especially what others have done to you. I promise we will all feel lighter and able to do more than we could ever imagine. Forgiveness does that, honest I know this for sure, I just have to learn to go to it FIRST before I hold onto the garbage until it drowns me, drains me of any life-giving energy. Col 3:13
2. Clear out the weeds - I am not exactly someone who has a green thumb but I know enough to know that if you leave the weeds not only can you not see the beautiful flowers but it leaves no room for more to grow. This may seem like a contradiction to the first item on my list about letting go and forgiving but its not, Letting go and forgiving can still happen but sometimes you need to remove the "weedy" people, places and things of life that keep popping up. We only have a short time on this earth and I believe we are to be loving and kind to everyone but NOT to the detriment of our health. Unless we pull weeds out by the root they will spring up somewhere else in the garden and caused more problems elsewhere. Choose a small (1-2) group of people in your life as those whom you can spill everything too and know it stays with them AND that they wont just say they will pray for you but they will. Choose people who live what they say. People who understand that time in silence with God is more important than a clean house or clean floors. People who care more about being with God than being the person people think they should be. Find these people in your life. Find places to go to be with God, life-giving places, taking the time to do nothing with Him. Do things to breathe life into you even if they world says that is not a goal worthy of a social media post. Take time to be alone because people will always want a piece of you, be careful who you give yourself to, even Jesus took time away from people. My mother always says " People are either builders or destroyers they are never both" Choose builders, people who are not just a builder to your face but behind the scenes too. These are the people who help us weed our gardens and add new life to them. Luke 5: 15-16
3. Believe God is who He says He is for YOUR life not someone elses - God has a plan for your life, I know you have heard this before but its true I think the problem is we look around at other peoples lives and think we need to live that one too, wow that would be pretty boring wouldn't it?!? Besides I've tried to do that it never works God has equipped you for a very specific purpose and all the tools necessary to do it. GOD has a plan for your life, no one else is God lets be clear about that, People often place us in a category of who they think you are generally without really taking the time to know you . We often think spending time in the same space as someone means we know them and that is terribly wrong. Go to the Word, read about how awesome God is, then read it some more and then believe He is still alive and active and waiting to perform amazing miracles in and through your life if you let Him. There is no better freedom than being in those moments when you feel Gods hand on your life. When you realize the places that felt like you were falling apart God was really putting you into place. When you see our lasagna God at His best , layering your life for great purpose. Believe Him and feel your life change for the better. 2Cor 6:16
When we let go , clear the weeds and believe God is who He says HE is there is nothing we cannot accomplish if it is in His will. Yes we should take care of ourselves, yes I need to loose some weight for my health but if I don't clear my life of the things preventing me from the freedom of a life in the fullness of God it doesn't matter how much I weigh or how much I go to the gym. The best part is when I live my life as close as I can to these three things, all the rest seems to fall into place. This is not a list intended to add any pressure to you or me I promise. I will be trying and failing just like you but I know if this list is my focus I will be the better for it.
Happy New year but remember God is more than 365 days a year, He is eternal, forever and everlasting! If you are reading this and have not given your life to the Lord don't waste another moment! DO not step into 2016 without surrendering your life to Him! Just ask for His forgiveness, ask him into your heart and receive His grace. THIS would be the best "resolution" you have EVER made!
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Thats how He rolls
Ever since my last post I have been trying to write this one. I shouldn't have hesitated because all it did was cause me to over think it to death, trying to write words that would make everyone okay with a decision that was made. The big problem with that is I worried more about what people would think and dismissed God in the process. I played it safe for a few months, but God isn't about safe. That's not how He rolls. I even went into scripture to find evidence of safe in the lives of those whom God calls and to my frustration I couldn't. I prayed about keeping it to a small corner of people in my life waiting until they somehow blew the trumpet announcing it for me. He isn't about safe or about passing the buck. He is about calling you out, moving you forward and making it messy. That's how He rolls.
Now that Ive built up this big announcement it occurred to me that building it up is a huge ego thing, maybe no one will even care whats going on or whats happening kind of like when someone builds up a movie that you "must" see and with great anticipation you pay too much money for movie and a popcorn and get there early to get the perfect seat only to be left wondering what the hype was all about........I pray you didn't get popcorn for this......here we go........
After 12 years of ministry we are leaving Helping Hands Street Mission. .......
Please leave the "theatre" now if you are already yawning, I don't want to subject you to continued torture as I now type out a small glimpse of the who what where when why and how. If you choose to stay seated I promise you this is definitely only a review and not a full length feature film, if you want the full length version invite me to your place, I'll even bring the popcorn.Oh and I thought about how I should make sure people know how much I love the mission and still do and then it occurred to me if someone needs to see that in writing on this blog then they have no idea who we are, so if you are looking for that please stop reading now. I think we have some pretty significant evidence of our love for what God did and is doing at HHSM so in this new chapter of my life I have decided that i wont be making people feel better about decisions we make, or trying to remove any thoughts from "enquiring minds" who like to create drama where there is none. If a great story comes out of this blog about some horrible thing that has caused us to leave, i cant control BS and wont give any more time to it. SO here goes:
WHO: Well its me , I am leaving along with my husband Tom. Not just stepping back, a term people use who truly want you to hang on to something God clearly has called you out of ,but LEAVING as in turning in my key. Tom will remain , for now, on a Sunday to help facilitate and preach at RAW. The bigger question of WHO to me is honestly getting to know Helen, child of God, no titles, no attachments, just Helen and Jesus I cant wait!
WHAT!?!?!: This is a response I have been getting from some people when they hear the news. I am never sure how to respond back. Often I feel like their state of shock is unreasonable or that I have to somehow comfort them or try to make them okay with a decision that Tom and I believe God has asked us to make. The truth is this is the response we have been giving God for over two years now and He isn't interested in giving us full disclosure about whats next, only glimpses, and he is also not interested in explaining it all until we were okay with it.Hes God that's how he rolls.......if you want further explanation, keep your bible open , its all in there.
WHERE: Where are you going to be? Like if we are not at the mission we someone cant possibly be anywhere else. It occurred to me that we have done a very bad job through this journey of faith of connecting ourselves only to HHSM and the ministry. I understood that people recognized us as somehow "attached" to it as founders , but I'm actually looking forward to being introduced at parties now wondering what people will put in the gap after my name because they can no longer say " This is Helen Norris she is the founder and Executive Director of Helping Hands Street Mission in Hamilton" For a teaser I will tell you that I believe God is asking me to stop being safe and being in a place that offers you comfort and some senses of entitlement in the community of believers, and go and use the gifts he gave me and step into something new that requires me to trust him for not just the "future" or where I will be but for income, a vehicle, a computer, a printer etc lots of perks I am required to drop if I feel called from the shoreline into the waves. Dropping all the perks that I secretly have coveted for years,especially those introductions.
WHEN: Well this is easy I gave my notice in April that I would be available until December 31 unless they find someone sooner, not my time, Gods. I will be launching a website FUMBLING THROUGH FAITH in September that is apart of my exciting new journey and whatever other possibilities God has planned well those "WHENS" I don't have the answer to and that feels so good...like waiting for the time at your birthday party when you get to open your gifts.
WHY: This is really hard to answer answer, again if we are looking to try and explain something you believe God has asked I feel almost like trying to explain to an unbeliever ( and sometimes "believers") about the miracles of God in scripture and stories about how I feel he "speaks" to me. I am either left looking like a crazy person ( something perhaps valid at times) or spinning my wheels in an effort to make other people okay with it, because that's how He rolls, you cant explain his awesomeness or his plans, you just have to go with it, but only if you truly want the things hes promised, they don't come in "safe" that's just not how He rolls.
HOW: Good question.......God ... that's how. He has never left my side these last 12 years that I have truly known him. He started something in me that I didn't understand 12 years ago and I honestly still don't because he is too big to understand and that's truly why I love him. The HOW for me is because of the trust I have for him, the same trust I had for his provisions when I left a job with pension and benefits to "work" at the mission for no money, no perks and a husband that wasn't working full time. HOW we kept our house...God , how our marriage and family didn't break up ( my family were immersed into something they never asked for and we have been "all-in" for 12 years) or collapse from exhaustion...God. He will continue to bless us and sustain us even though on paper its the craziest move ever ( oh yeah my husband is in recovery and not working right now either) but it never stopped us before because our God is unstoppable if you believe He is who HE says HE is.
My Mum put it best, " Well I guess its just another part of your adventures!"
Yes Mum that's how HE rolls.
Now that Ive built up this big announcement it occurred to me that building it up is a huge ego thing, maybe no one will even care whats going on or whats happening kind of like when someone builds up a movie that you "must" see and with great anticipation you pay too much money for movie and a popcorn and get there early to get the perfect seat only to be left wondering what the hype was all about........I pray you didn't get popcorn for this......here we go........
After 12 years of ministry we are leaving Helping Hands Street Mission. .......
Please leave the "theatre" now if you are already yawning, I don't want to subject you to continued torture as I now type out a small glimpse of the who what where when why and how. If you choose to stay seated I promise you this is definitely only a review and not a full length feature film, if you want the full length version invite me to your place, I'll even bring the popcorn.Oh and I thought about how I should make sure people know how much I love the mission and still do and then it occurred to me if someone needs to see that in writing on this blog then they have no idea who we are, so if you are looking for that please stop reading now. I think we have some pretty significant evidence of our love for what God did and is doing at HHSM so in this new chapter of my life I have decided that i wont be making people feel better about decisions we make, or trying to remove any thoughts from "enquiring minds" who like to create drama where there is none. If a great story comes out of this blog about some horrible thing that has caused us to leave, i cant control BS and wont give any more time to it. SO here goes:
WHO: Well its me , I am leaving along with my husband Tom. Not just stepping back, a term people use who truly want you to hang on to something God clearly has called you out of ,but LEAVING as in turning in my key. Tom will remain , for now, on a Sunday to help facilitate and preach at RAW. The bigger question of WHO to me is honestly getting to know Helen, child of God, no titles, no attachments, just Helen and Jesus I cant wait!
WHAT!?!?!: This is a response I have been getting from some people when they hear the news. I am never sure how to respond back. Often I feel like their state of shock is unreasonable or that I have to somehow comfort them or try to make them okay with a decision that Tom and I believe God has asked us to make. The truth is this is the response we have been giving God for over two years now and He isn't interested in giving us full disclosure about whats next, only glimpses, and he is also not interested in explaining it all until we were okay with it.Hes God that's how he rolls.......if you want further explanation, keep your bible open , its all in there.
WHERE: Where are you going to be? Like if we are not at the mission we someone cant possibly be anywhere else. It occurred to me that we have done a very bad job through this journey of faith of connecting ourselves only to HHSM and the ministry. I understood that people recognized us as somehow "attached" to it as founders , but I'm actually looking forward to being introduced at parties now wondering what people will put in the gap after my name because they can no longer say " This is Helen Norris she is the founder and Executive Director of Helping Hands Street Mission in Hamilton" For a teaser I will tell you that I believe God is asking me to stop being safe and being in a place that offers you comfort and some senses of entitlement in the community of believers, and go and use the gifts he gave me and step into something new that requires me to trust him for not just the "future" or where I will be but for income, a vehicle, a computer, a printer etc lots of perks I am required to drop if I feel called from the shoreline into the waves. Dropping all the perks that I secretly have coveted for years,especially those introductions.
WHEN: Well this is easy I gave my notice in April that I would be available until December 31 unless they find someone sooner, not my time, Gods. I will be launching a website FUMBLING THROUGH FAITH in September that is apart of my exciting new journey and whatever other possibilities God has planned well those "WHENS" I don't have the answer to and that feels so good...like waiting for the time at your birthday party when you get to open your gifts.
WHY: This is really hard to answer answer, again if we are looking to try and explain something you believe God has asked I feel almost like trying to explain to an unbeliever ( and sometimes "believers") about the miracles of God in scripture and stories about how I feel he "speaks" to me. I am either left looking like a crazy person ( something perhaps valid at times) or spinning my wheels in an effort to make other people okay with it, because that's how He rolls, you cant explain his awesomeness or his plans, you just have to go with it, but only if you truly want the things hes promised, they don't come in "safe" that's just not how He rolls.
HOW: Good question.......God ... that's how. He has never left my side these last 12 years that I have truly known him. He started something in me that I didn't understand 12 years ago and I honestly still don't because he is too big to understand and that's truly why I love him. The HOW for me is because of the trust I have for him, the same trust I had for his provisions when I left a job with pension and benefits to "work" at the mission for no money, no perks and a husband that wasn't working full time. HOW we kept our house...God , how our marriage and family didn't break up ( my family were immersed into something they never asked for and we have been "all-in" for 12 years) or collapse from exhaustion...God. He will continue to bless us and sustain us even though on paper its the craziest move ever ( oh yeah my husband is in recovery and not working right now either) but it never stopped us before because our God is unstoppable if you believe He is who HE says HE is.
My Mum put it best, " Well I guess its just another part of your adventures!"
Yes Mum that's how HE rolls.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Whats your "formula" ?
On January 1st 2015 I wrote in my thankful journal the Word that the Holy Spirit gave me for my life this year, the spirit declared a year of " Restoration of relationships" and as I wrote it down I smiled in anticipation of what God would do in my life. SO far God has definitely done some serious restoration of relationships,even in these last 6 months; family relationships, work relationships and friendships that seemed to be torn apart, mended. Sometimes He restored them to make them stronger Sometimes He restored my vision about certain relationships and gave me new eyes to see why the "restoration" sometimes means separation if a relationship is causing me to stumble in my faith walk. God restores and repairs but in His way, not ours.
In my previous blog I wrote about God restoring the relationship I had with my past, my hometown where alot of my mess was lived out- He truly is a miracle working God! Once again this evening He drew me back to "the well" with an opportunity to speak to a group of youth at YFC Youth UNlimited a Christian drop in center for teens where I grew up. It was incredible to share with the group about what it was like to grow up in their town which was now a city and to be able to come back and now give back to the community by preaching and teaching about how Awesome God is and how Jesus can save any life no matter how messed up. When I was near the end of my "talk" I felt God tell me to "declare it out loud!" I knew exactly what he was talking about because HE had been nudging me for YEARS to restore another part of my journey and I just kept putting it off or making excuses to do it another time. " Declare it out loud!!!!!" ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I said in my mind and this proceeded out of my mouth , " I was a thief and would go to the mall and into the Loblaws store and steal baby formula, but today after this I am going to buy some and donated it to the Salvation army ." There i said it. I left the building to drive to the store but realized it wasn't where it used to be.........maybe its a sign....NO its not.....I drove back through town to find it and parked in the parking lot and took a breath. I needed God to take me back to the time that I remembered stealing it. I needed Him to remind me how broken my life was and how so much of how I lived was simply out of what I needed no matter what the cost. Oh I definitely justified stealing the baby formula because we would "run out of money" or the S.A food bank would not have any free stuff left and my baby needed to eat, but the truth was if I had simply made better choices or managed my money better there would be no need to steal anything. My pride would also not allow me to ask family or friends for help. The bottom line is I was a thief, plain and simple, I took something that didn't belong to me and used my brokenness to justify it.
I realized that I had just spoke to a great group of teens about a God who makes us new and restores brokenness and for years I thought it meant my internal brokenness, I was a new person in Christ therefore the past is gone and didn't matter anymore. My sin was placed at the foot of the cross BUT it didn't mean that part of restoration and restitution was not my responsibility too. Over the years I said we didn't have enough money to do it its almost $30 a can you know! Or I would say God hasn't given me a word about that lol! Or I do ALOT of stuff for people in need so ive done my part! Or I have asked for forgiveness in broken relationships so I have done my part in restoration in my life! How foolish was I to ignore the God who knows my inner most being so well that he also knows what MY journey needed to be restored and healed. He had a "formula" for my restoration that included restoring that which was stolen from ME BUT also for me to restore what I too had stolen.
I went into the store that was much bigger than it ever was and noticed right away in the front lobby a large red bin that said Salvation Army Food bank and one of the top items needed was BABY FORMULA.........I hear you God I HEAR you...
I continued to walk until I found the baby section and looked for the brand I used to use/steal. I tried to remember how many times I stole it but couldn't so I picked up two of each kind just to be sure. I carried it in my arms until I got to a check out where a nice gentleman in from of me got me a buggy to put it in. When it was my turn to pay and she told me the amount the gentleman showed me his phone that had a price for the formula cheaper by more than $6 each at another store and said " you can show them this and they will give it to you for the cheaper price. I remember how hard it was to pay for it when my kids were little" I thanked him but said I needed to pay full price for it. He looked at me funny and the lady behind me said " no its okay they do it here all the time so you should get it cheaper" I said its was okay that I needed to pay full price. The woman ringing my order through said " you want extra points right for your points card and the more you spend the more points you get right?!" I said no I just need to pay full price and please don't put it in bags. They all looked at me like I was crazy. I said I was just donating them to the food bank so its fine, no big deal. I was trying to just deflect and get out I didn't want to tell them the truth to be honest its not an easy thing to explain the real reason to people, the problem was when they heard it was going to the food bank they all praised me for such a great thing I was doing and it just went off the rails with these strangers thinking what a great sacrificial thing I was doing. I felt God telling me to tell the truth of what I did so I could confess that I stole from their store and true restitution could happen....OUCH......
" Okay so 24 years ago I was a messed up 17 year old mom who did lots of things I am not proud of especially stealing baby formula from this store. I needed to make it right with the store to be right with God so that's why I need to pay full price and leave it in the Salvation Army food bank box because of all the things they helped me with and so perhaps another young mom can get help and so I can restore what I stole and make it good for someone else. " I started to walk away with the formula , I wanted to get out as quick as I can but the lady behind me yelled out "you just made my day! Thank you for showing me people are good after all"
I had to turn around... " God is good, He told me to, He restores" and I placed the formula in the box.
I want you to know that when Jesus forgives us we are forgiven without the need to do any "works " to receive that forgiveness. I also want you to know that God asks different people to do different things on their journey because He is a God of plan and purpose and detail and needs to work things out in each of us differently. This story was not shared with you to tell you to do what I did. I wanted to share it with you in case there was something God was asking you to do as a part of your own personal restoration process. It probably isn't literally repaying what you stole but perhaps its playing a part in the restoration of a relationship that's broken, making the first move to say sorry even at the risk that they wont receive it well. Sometimes we need to ask God what our "formula" is that we need to work on replacing in order to grow on this leg of the journey.
In my previous blog I wrote about God restoring the relationship I had with my past, my hometown where alot of my mess was lived out- He truly is a miracle working God! Once again this evening He drew me back to "the well" with an opportunity to speak to a group of youth at YFC Youth UNlimited a Christian drop in center for teens where I grew up. It was incredible to share with the group about what it was like to grow up in their town which was now a city and to be able to come back and now give back to the community by preaching and teaching about how Awesome God is and how Jesus can save any life no matter how messed up. When I was near the end of my "talk" I felt God tell me to "declare it out loud!" I knew exactly what he was talking about because HE had been nudging me for YEARS to restore another part of my journey and I just kept putting it off or making excuses to do it another time. " Declare it out loud!!!!!" ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I said in my mind and this proceeded out of my mouth , " I was a thief and would go to the mall and into the Loblaws store and steal baby formula, but today after this I am going to buy some and donated it to the Salvation army ." There i said it. I left the building to drive to the store but realized it wasn't where it used to be.........maybe its a sign....NO its not.....I drove back through town to find it and parked in the parking lot and took a breath. I needed God to take me back to the time that I remembered stealing it. I needed Him to remind me how broken my life was and how so much of how I lived was simply out of what I needed no matter what the cost. Oh I definitely justified stealing the baby formula because we would "run out of money" or the S.A food bank would not have any free stuff left and my baby needed to eat, but the truth was if I had simply made better choices or managed my money better there would be no need to steal anything. My pride would also not allow me to ask family or friends for help. The bottom line is I was a thief, plain and simple, I took something that didn't belong to me and used my brokenness to justify it.
I realized that I had just spoke to a great group of teens about a God who makes us new and restores brokenness and for years I thought it meant my internal brokenness, I was a new person in Christ therefore the past is gone and didn't matter anymore. My sin was placed at the foot of the cross BUT it didn't mean that part of restoration and restitution was not my responsibility too. Over the years I said we didn't have enough money to do it its almost $30 a can you know! Or I would say God hasn't given me a word about that lol! Or I do ALOT of stuff for people in need so ive done my part! Or I have asked for forgiveness in broken relationships so I have done my part in restoration in my life! How foolish was I to ignore the God who knows my inner most being so well that he also knows what MY journey needed to be restored and healed. He had a "formula" for my restoration that included restoring that which was stolen from ME BUT also for me to restore what I too had stolen.
I went into the store that was much bigger than it ever was and noticed right away in the front lobby a large red bin that said Salvation Army Food bank and one of the top items needed was BABY FORMULA.........I hear you God I HEAR you...
I continued to walk until I found the baby section and looked for the brand I used to use/steal. I tried to remember how many times I stole it but couldn't so I picked up two of each kind just to be sure. I carried it in my arms until I got to a check out where a nice gentleman in from of me got me a buggy to put it in. When it was my turn to pay and she told me the amount the gentleman showed me his phone that had a price for the formula cheaper by more than $6 each at another store and said " you can show them this and they will give it to you for the cheaper price. I remember how hard it was to pay for it when my kids were little" I thanked him but said I needed to pay full price for it. He looked at me funny and the lady behind me said " no its okay they do it here all the time so you should get it cheaper" I said its was okay that I needed to pay full price. The woman ringing my order through said " you want extra points right for your points card and the more you spend the more points you get right?!" I said no I just need to pay full price and please don't put it in bags. They all looked at me like I was crazy. I said I was just donating them to the food bank so its fine, no big deal. I was trying to just deflect and get out I didn't want to tell them the truth to be honest its not an easy thing to explain the real reason to people, the problem was when they heard it was going to the food bank they all praised me for such a great thing I was doing and it just went off the rails with these strangers thinking what a great sacrificial thing I was doing. I felt God telling me to tell the truth of what I did so I could confess that I stole from their store and true restitution could happen....OUCH......
" Okay so 24 years ago I was a messed up 17 year old mom who did lots of things I am not proud of especially stealing baby formula from this store. I needed to make it right with the store to be right with God so that's why I need to pay full price and leave it in the Salvation Army food bank box because of all the things they helped me with and so perhaps another young mom can get help and so I can restore what I stole and make it good for someone else. " I started to walk away with the formula , I wanted to get out as quick as I can but the lady behind me yelled out "you just made my day! Thank you for showing me people are good after all"
I had to turn around... " God is good, He told me to, He restores" and I placed the formula in the box.
I want you to know that when Jesus forgives us we are forgiven without the need to do any "works " to receive that forgiveness. I also want you to know that God asks different people to do different things on their journey because He is a God of plan and purpose and detail and needs to work things out in each of us differently. This story was not shared with you to tell you to do what I did. I wanted to share it with you in case there was something God was asking you to do as a part of your own personal restoration process. It probably isn't literally repaying what you stole but perhaps its playing a part in the restoration of a relationship that's broken, making the first move to say sorry even at the risk that they wont receive it well. Sometimes we need to ask God what our "formula" is that we need to work on replacing in order to grow on this leg of the journey.
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