This morning i decided to run again.
I was reflecting back on my first ever JESUS FREAK blog where I decided that my year long journey to 40 would not include something like weight loss because my spiritual exercising felt more desperate for me at that time. I know this may sound crazy but i feel like this journey has brought me full circle to the point where my spiritual muscles seem to be working again and now I feel like i CAN exercise my body in a healthy and responsible way.
There has been many moments in my life where i have irresponsibly exercised. I have exercised to have a smaller body leaving out a pair of jeans that are too small on the bed and trying them on after every run, maintain a certain number on the scale or just because it became my latest obsession or "addiction" of choice. ALL things for me that lend nothing to being healthy if the goal is all about obtaining something or some size the world says I should be, or abusing it to stop dealing with the real hard issues in my life that i just cant face. I feel like although I am almost 40 I am finally mature enough to exercise again. I feel like this JESUS FREAK journey has been a difficult, sobering and often chaotic one but so needed in my life to draw out of ME what was holding on to the stuff that was drowning my spirit. A Lot of those things were thoughts I had about myself, my value to others and mostly to this God who loves me. For the majority of my life INCLUDING after my delicious encounter with Jesus I fought against the physical hatred I had of myself. I thought that having Jesus in my life and learning how much he loves me I would never have to worry about weight gain or inactivity due to depression because I no longer had the right to feel that way if I understood the truth of the Gospel. I spent lots of time building up woman at the mission and telling them to look at themselves in the mirror and remember that God sees them as beautiful always..........you would think I would hang on to that for myself but I usually didn't. Oh I dont binge like I have in the past and purge anymore, I choose not to drink alcohol out of fear that it will become what I choose to do every weekend like I have but i feel like the one addiction I could always maintain in secret was my quiet anger with my body by just stopping the obsession of counting and weighing and running and running and running....... it doesnt go away it just perpetuates the cycle of watching your body become so far away from the worlds "ideal" and you began to think about which foods to stop eating and ways to deprive or punish yourself that no one will see.
I love how on this FREAK journey God always steps in with something you need but disguises it as something you are doing for someone else. I am certified in mental Health first aid now. A two day course I was taking to better understand my "mentally Ill" friends at the mission- you know those people who have problems......I have been so blessed by the knowledge I now have about mental illness and how much the course taught me about my own personal obsessions and mental blocks. Realizing that although i am not diagnosed with a mental illness but that we all fight against something every day that is trying to take us away from the intention God has for our lives. The course was not a Christ centered course but I spent each chapter reflecting on where I find God in it. I was embarrassed to realize that many of the words i have spoken to many woman over the years about who they are as they look in the mirror were coming back at me as a lie about who I am -crazy, perhaps but I felt like i needed to be really honest about this in the hopes that someone else doesnt feel like they are struggling alone. I felt i needed to say sorry to God for the way i thought about myself, his child and for the abuse i put on myself over the many years since my body started to develop in the name of "health" which was a total lie.....an outward shell but dead inside.......God isnt interested in a tight butt or certain size but in a child whose love for themselves means all things for His glory in His timing. there was nothing glorifying God about my obsession about size, stuffing myself so I don't feel anything, running and running and running so that maybe I would find the woman I was supposed to be. God sees the woman I am and he smiles at me, inspite of my "imperfect physical self". I forgot how imperfect all those wonderful people God used in scripture were not just in their sin but I don't remember hearing about how Esther stood in front of a mirror before she wen out in the morning to make sure she didn't look too big.
I ran again today because I learned it is good for my mental health and they were right. it cleared my mind to think about how much He loves me and that all obsessions are not healthy for me -even if the world says so. I think I might be mature enough to run now....run because it is good for my mental health and physically good for me.....not because when I am done I will try to squeeze into something that will make me feel more valuable. Today i was mature enough to run ..no goal but to seek clarity to try and love Him more the only way to truly be in love with His child.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
She brought her grandson to Sunday school
God gives us a glimpse of the Kingdom of heaven sometimes and it takes my breathe away. To be in the midst of his redeeming power, His Grace , His mercy and His awesome restoration. To watch someone live out the promises of God from scripture is a privilege i cannot believe He gives to us. It is breathless. It is beautiful. It is God.
My friend Sandi is the promise of scripture being lived out right in front of all of us. She would never count herself as a Christian woman to gain wisdom from or to be mentored by but I have learned so much from her in the last 10 months than I think I have in all the 10 years of christian community and bible study put together........or maybe its just that her raw relationship with God is so in-your-face beautiful I cant help but watch and be forever changed by it. There is no room for "filler" or "pretending" anything or any part of it -her relationship is long over due or perfectly timed either way a force for the enemy to be reckoned with.
The enemy has had his hand around her neck pushing her under the water and releasing her for just enough time for a quick glimpse and breath of the world he said she wasn't worthy of. Enough of a glimpse to want it enough time for her to need it in order for him to snatch it from her...to drown her again in a world his lies said was hers. The joy he must have felt when the little girl she was became engulfed and entangled in a web of evil, a story board of nightmares, the very opposite of the promises she was told when she was little in church about a loving God and His light in a dark world. The light was not something to be believed. When your world is so dark and you are drowning there isnt even a flicker to reach for. There is nothing. there is dark there is evil there is ever present pain. Physically, mentally, emotional and spiritually. There are no promises. Just survival. She couldn't even look forward to the odd breathe she could catch at the surface.You would need hope for that. She hadn't seen hope for a long time. He thinks he won. He sees victory. SO many years. SO much damage. He must have won........but no....our God says otherwise..
Isaiah 61 " he has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from the darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lords favor and the day of vengeance for our God, to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor"
My friend Sandi has been free for over 10 months now and living for Jesus. Free from addiction, free from the streets, free from the enemies plan for her life. She is no longer captive but released from the darkness and is now proclaiming the Lords favor in her life. Her life is a sign of Gods vengeance against the enemy. God has now comforted her as she mourns her old "self" and as she grieved her past life. She wears the biggest most beautiful crown and the ashes are blown into the wind. She is an outpouring of gladness and goodness and praise. She is a strong oak of righteousness and her life a display for the Lords splendor.
On Sundays my friend Sandi was taking the Alpha course with us at R.A.W for 15 weeks. One of the things she reminds me of from the course is that when we break one commandment we break them all-I am grateful for the reminder of that lesson she gives me. When Alpha was over God led her to a wonderful church around the corner from her to connect with as she travels on this wonderful journey with Him. THIS past Sunday she took her grandson to church with her so he could go to Sunday school...yes her grandson is being led to the Lord by his grandmother a wonderful woman of God......................I think we know who won.
My friend Sandi is the promise of scripture being lived out right in front of all of us. She would never count herself as a Christian woman to gain wisdom from or to be mentored by but I have learned so much from her in the last 10 months than I think I have in all the 10 years of christian community and bible study put together........or maybe its just that her raw relationship with God is so in-your-face beautiful I cant help but watch and be forever changed by it. There is no room for "filler" or "pretending" anything or any part of it -her relationship is long over due or perfectly timed either way a force for the enemy to be reckoned with.
The enemy has had his hand around her neck pushing her under the water and releasing her for just enough time for a quick glimpse and breath of the world he said she wasn't worthy of. Enough of a glimpse to want it enough time for her to need it in order for him to snatch it from her...to drown her again in a world his lies said was hers. The joy he must have felt when the little girl she was became engulfed and entangled in a web of evil, a story board of nightmares, the very opposite of the promises she was told when she was little in church about a loving God and His light in a dark world. The light was not something to be believed. When your world is so dark and you are drowning there isnt even a flicker to reach for. There is nothing. there is dark there is evil there is ever present pain. Physically, mentally, emotional and spiritually. There are no promises. Just survival. She couldn't even look forward to the odd breathe she could catch at the surface.You would need hope for that. She hadn't seen hope for a long time. He thinks he won. He sees victory. SO many years. SO much damage. He must have won........but no....our God says otherwise..
Isaiah 61 " he has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from the darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lords favor and the day of vengeance for our God, to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor"
My friend Sandi has been free for over 10 months now and living for Jesus. Free from addiction, free from the streets, free from the enemies plan for her life. She is no longer captive but released from the darkness and is now proclaiming the Lords favor in her life. Her life is a sign of Gods vengeance against the enemy. God has now comforted her as she mourns her old "self" and as she grieved her past life. She wears the biggest most beautiful crown and the ashes are blown into the wind. She is an outpouring of gladness and goodness and praise. She is a strong oak of righteousness and her life a display for the Lords splendor.
On Sundays my friend Sandi was taking the Alpha course with us at R.A.W for 15 weeks. One of the things she reminds me of from the course is that when we break one commandment we break them all-I am grateful for the reminder of that lesson she gives me. When Alpha was over God led her to a wonderful church around the corner from her to connect with as she travels on this wonderful journey with Him. THIS past Sunday she took her grandson to church with her so he could go to Sunday school...yes her grandson is being led to the Lord by his grandmother a wonderful woman of God......................I think we know who won.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Cover-alls
I had lunch with a great friend today. More than a friend she has been a mentor to me on this Jesus FREAK journey. She has an incredible way of helping me to see the bigger picture of what God is doing in my life and she usually does it by letting me talk my way to figuring it out ,eventually, for myself. As we sat down today at her house to share a meal she wanted to know about how my time went at a presentation this week for the mission at a big corporation. As always it unfolded into something bigger. Embarrassing, humbling and wonderful. Always a lesson.
I started off by telling her how nervous I was when I woke up that day. Tom was away and since I usually ask his opinion on what I should wear or how I look I spent a really long time changing outfits and looking in the mirror...too much time I am embarrassed to say. I wish I could say I spent as much time in conversation with God that morning but I absolutely did not. I justified my "worrying" about how I looked that day by thinking how "important" it was that I looked nice, was my presentation "professional enough" was I carrying myself in a professional manner to walk into this corporate workplace? I am representing the mission so I need to look like this and act like this and make sure I say this..........I, I, I, ME,ME,ME...worry worry worry, waste waste waste. I could have spent that time with God I SHOULD have spent that time with God. Instead I allowed my ego to step in and I made myself and my presentation to be bigger than God in my life. I spent more time fussing about the directions to the place and timing myself just right so as to make yet another proper "impression" making sure I had directions and instructions so i went in the right end of the building etc etc. Make sure i Had this day under control...ME ME ME. Despite MY best efforts the information I was given still wasn't enough to ensure my smooth, professional entrance into the massive facility. Parking wasn't available at the gate and despite my best effort to explain why i was there to the security they could care less about the information I had , who I was and why I was there. thank goodness I was directed to another gate that knew I was coming and let me in. By the time i parked and grabbed all my professional stuff for my presentation I had no extra time and was directed to wait again somewhere for my connection in the facility to meet me. They did and after a warm welcome advised me that the outfit I was wearing was nice but that they had coveralls, a hat and boots for me to wear as my presentation would be inside the plant so i had to cover up. Glad I spent all that time worrying about what I was going to wear and how they would respond to me in my fabulous outfit. God sorted my ego out pretty quick. IN a matter of seconds the hour I spent trying to look "appropriate" and "professional" was lost as He stripped me of my "adornments" and i now looked like everyone else in the building. The important time i took on my hair was now lost in the ponytail and hat. Oh what fool I can be.
I presented that morning to a group of hard-working people who love the idea of helping others out wherever the need may be. There was no speakers for my fabulous "professional" presentation, just some pictures and me dressed down humbly for God in a room full of hearts longing to do what God calls us to "love your neighbor" whether they claimed to know him or not. We all looked the same and I just spoke to a room full of people longing to help and was finally able to give the message God wanted me to give because God was able to be heard in what the mission does and the people it impacts everyday. God stripped me down of myself and how "important" I thought I was in presenting this message and taught me a lesson I will never forget. the response in the room after the presentation was incredible but God made His point very clear again in one mans response to me as he was leaving. "thanks for coming and sharing a bit of your story I am so glad you are now saved." God really does see the bigger picture every time.
Do we need to find people and business to support the mission-sure we do but the greatest story isnt how big we can make a budget or how much money we can bring in-its who is God saving for eternity and are people seeing a demonstration of His love to our neighbors. I may never be able to be ready for any corporate setting in a board room but I am always ready to tell the great story of who God is , the miracles he continues to perform each day and all of the glimpses of His kingdom here on earth. Thanks for stripping me down to make room for you Lord. Thanks for not giving up on me , thank-you for the wisdom of great friends and thanks for this never-ending life lesson journey to finding my FREAK.
I started off by telling her how nervous I was when I woke up that day. Tom was away and since I usually ask his opinion on what I should wear or how I look I spent a really long time changing outfits and looking in the mirror...too much time I am embarrassed to say. I wish I could say I spent as much time in conversation with God that morning but I absolutely did not. I justified my "worrying" about how I looked that day by thinking how "important" it was that I looked nice, was my presentation "professional enough" was I carrying myself in a professional manner to walk into this corporate workplace? I am representing the mission so I need to look like this and act like this and make sure I say this..........I, I, I, ME,ME,ME...worry worry worry, waste waste waste. I could have spent that time with God I SHOULD have spent that time with God. Instead I allowed my ego to step in and I made myself and my presentation to be bigger than God in my life. I spent more time fussing about the directions to the place and timing myself just right so as to make yet another proper "impression" making sure I had directions and instructions so i went in the right end of the building etc etc. Make sure i Had this day under control...ME ME ME. Despite MY best efforts the information I was given still wasn't enough to ensure my smooth, professional entrance into the massive facility. Parking wasn't available at the gate and despite my best effort to explain why i was there to the security they could care less about the information I had , who I was and why I was there. thank goodness I was directed to another gate that knew I was coming and let me in. By the time i parked and grabbed all my professional stuff for my presentation I had no extra time and was directed to wait again somewhere for my connection in the facility to meet me. They did and after a warm welcome advised me that the outfit I was wearing was nice but that they had coveralls, a hat and boots for me to wear as my presentation would be inside the plant so i had to cover up. Glad I spent all that time worrying about what I was going to wear and how they would respond to me in my fabulous outfit. God sorted my ego out pretty quick. IN a matter of seconds the hour I spent trying to look "appropriate" and "professional" was lost as He stripped me of my "adornments" and i now looked like everyone else in the building. The important time i took on my hair was now lost in the ponytail and hat. Oh what fool I can be.
I presented that morning to a group of hard-working people who love the idea of helping others out wherever the need may be. There was no speakers for my fabulous "professional" presentation, just some pictures and me dressed down humbly for God in a room full of hearts longing to do what God calls us to "love your neighbor" whether they claimed to know him or not. We all looked the same and I just spoke to a room full of people longing to help and was finally able to give the message God wanted me to give because God was able to be heard in what the mission does and the people it impacts everyday. God stripped me down of myself and how "important" I thought I was in presenting this message and taught me a lesson I will never forget. the response in the room after the presentation was incredible but God made His point very clear again in one mans response to me as he was leaving. "thanks for coming and sharing a bit of your story I am so glad you are now saved." God really does see the bigger picture every time.
Do we need to find people and business to support the mission-sure we do but the greatest story isnt how big we can make a budget or how much money we can bring in-its who is God saving for eternity and are people seeing a demonstration of His love to our neighbors. I may never be able to be ready for any corporate setting in a board room but I am always ready to tell the great story of who God is , the miracles he continues to perform each day and all of the glimpses of His kingdom here on earth. Thanks for stripping me down to make room for you Lord. Thanks for not giving up on me , thank-you for the wisdom of great friends and thanks for this never-ending life lesson journey to finding my FREAK.
Friday, May 17, 2013
You are a NEW creation in Jesus Christ
2 Corinthians 5:17
"Therefore is anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"
Today is my daughters birthday a time to celebrate the miracles of Gods creation and the bigger miracle of His eyes that see into things we never could. On this JESUS FREAK journey of mine I knew this day would come on May 17th that a battle for my mind and heart would rage between the lies of the enemy reminding me of the person I used to be and of Gods grace reminding me of who I no longer am in Him. The Holy spirit directed me to a binder in the basement buried under some paper work and a note tucked inside a folder that i wrote on July 11 2004 the day of my baptism called "My gift for my baptism" I want to share it with you because I think we all need to remember who we are in Him.
He made me someone new today
He made me someone new today
to Him it didn't matter
that my shoes were worn
my wallet broke
my clothes were all in tatters
He made me someone new today
didn't check my personal file
even though i know theres a lot of late nights
with alot of bad choices
a lot of unGodly miles
He made me someone new today
Didn't care what I had done
Didn't see my shoes, my wallet,my past, my clothes
these didn't matter to His son
He made me someone new today
His son took all my sins
discarding them without guilty feelings
to see the beauty that was within
He made me someone new today
GLORIOUS in His eyes
No questions asked
No sentence handed down
Just wants me to say goodbye.......
To that little girl inside my soul
who felt so lost and afraid
To say goodbye to her Forever
and Forever be remade.
Amen thank-you Jesus
Thank-you God for this little remembrance for me and for all of us who are new in your sons sacrifice. Thanks for your eyes that see so far ahead of us and into the heart of who you created us to be. Thank-you for the gift of my life and ALL it has brought me.
"Therefore is anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"
Today is my daughters birthday a time to celebrate the miracles of Gods creation and the bigger miracle of His eyes that see into things we never could. On this JESUS FREAK journey of mine I knew this day would come on May 17th that a battle for my mind and heart would rage between the lies of the enemy reminding me of the person I used to be and of Gods grace reminding me of who I no longer am in Him. The Holy spirit directed me to a binder in the basement buried under some paper work and a note tucked inside a folder that i wrote on July 11 2004 the day of my baptism called "My gift for my baptism" I want to share it with you because I think we all need to remember who we are in Him.
He made me someone new today
He made me someone new today
to Him it didn't matter
that my shoes were worn
my wallet broke
my clothes were all in tatters
He made me someone new today
didn't check my personal file
even though i know theres a lot of late nights
with alot of bad choices
a lot of unGodly miles
He made me someone new today
Didn't care what I had done
Didn't see my shoes, my wallet,my past, my clothes
these didn't matter to His son
He made me someone new today
His son took all my sins
discarding them without guilty feelings
to see the beauty that was within
He made me someone new today
GLORIOUS in His eyes
No questions asked
No sentence handed down
Just wants me to say goodbye.......
To that little girl inside my soul
who felt so lost and afraid
To say goodbye to her Forever
and Forever be remade.
Amen thank-you Jesus
Thank-you God for this little remembrance for me and for all of us who are new in your sons sacrifice. Thanks for your eyes that see so far ahead of us and into the heart of who you created us to be. Thank-you for the gift of my life and ALL it has brought me.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
It was never really mine to begin with.
A little follow-up from my blog the other day about my dads roommate........
Dads roommate didn't leave on the Friday as we had anticipated but instead left this morning to go back home so it was great to have even a couple of more days to connect with him. The day after writing the first blog about dads roommate I came into the hospital to find him being very quiet , which was pretty rare for him so i assumed he was sleeping. So I didn't disturb him I just sat beside dad and whispered to him about his night. He must have heard Dad and I anyway and yelled "HEY Helen is that you?" I said "yes good morning how are you today?" "alright I guess" he said. The nurse came in to do some blood work with dad so I asked him if I could come to his side of the room while the nurse cares for dad and he said sure. As i entered his side of the room I noticed he had been reading and it was the bible I had left for my dad in his room from the first day he was in hospital three weeks ago. I said " hey I see your enjoying that bible I left for my dad I am glad to see you are talking to God again. " He smiled and looked at me over his glasses and said " Well it was left on my table last night by the nurses so I am giving it a gander again. Is that okay? "Sure it is. You know I received that little bible the day I first gave my life to Jesus.." and he cut me off to say " I know I read the front with the date it was 10 years ago I see all that...... that's good." I smiled and went back to visit with dad. He was quiet for another half an hour, so rare a time for him to be quiet that I check a couple of times-just in case-to make sure he was ok. HE was he was simply talking to his Father again and it made me smile. It made me reflect on the times I was angry with my earthly Father and stopped talking to him only to be made more whole by reconnecting with him again and having him embrace me upon return, just like dads roommate and his heavenly Father.
Dads roommate decided to go out later for some "fresh air" and as he scooted by he stopped and said "you know he was approached 3 times by the devil ..I always thought it was once. I am going to ponder that and alot more. Glad to have met you." And out the door he went. I wanted to take the bible back off of his side of the room but just felt like it needed to stay there. Today when I was on my way to visit dad I confess that I had many thoughts going through my head like how dads night went , did he feel any better and if his roommate was there still-just in case he forgot to leave my bible. That bible was important to me because of when I received it on the first day of my rebirth and the day I chose to try again to live but trying it Gods way this time. I kept that bible for all this time and always brought it to places when I felt like there was extra intervention needed from the Holy Spirit like when my dad was first in hospital and on life support-that bible was like my weapon for God and even if all of that was in my head it meant alot to me. I got there too late. Dads roommate was gone and dad was now on his side by the window. I confess again that I looked around for the bible and it was gone and after the moment of frustration washed away I realized how that bible was used as such a great weapon for God against the enemy for dads roommate who told me he was an atheist and stopped believing a long time ago and left reading, pondering and taking that weapon home with him to reconnect with his heavenly father again. I know I say this alot but God is so much bigger than all of us and all of this world and I pray that he may continue to use me and my JESUS FREAK a simple vessel to connect others to Him. I brought that bible in for my dad in his fight for his physical and spiritual life but perhaps Gods plans for that bible were for dads roommate all along.
How many times do we lay claim to things -especially personal items like a bible and assume God will only use it for us? That bible was only mine for a season and already God knew 10 years later I would meet a roommate when my dad was in crisis and use that bible to help save us all in that moment. Thanks for following on my crazy JESUS FREAK journey.
Dads roommate didn't leave on the Friday as we had anticipated but instead left this morning to go back home so it was great to have even a couple of more days to connect with him. The day after writing the first blog about dads roommate I came into the hospital to find him being very quiet , which was pretty rare for him so i assumed he was sleeping. So I didn't disturb him I just sat beside dad and whispered to him about his night. He must have heard Dad and I anyway and yelled "HEY Helen is that you?" I said "yes good morning how are you today?" "alright I guess" he said. The nurse came in to do some blood work with dad so I asked him if I could come to his side of the room while the nurse cares for dad and he said sure. As i entered his side of the room I noticed he had been reading and it was the bible I had left for my dad in his room from the first day he was in hospital three weeks ago. I said " hey I see your enjoying that bible I left for my dad I am glad to see you are talking to God again. " He smiled and looked at me over his glasses and said " Well it was left on my table last night by the nurses so I am giving it a gander again. Is that okay? "Sure it is. You know I received that little bible the day I first gave my life to Jesus.." and he cut me off to say " I know I read the front with the date it was 10 years ago I see all that...... that's good." I smiled and went back to visit with dad. He was quiet for another half an hour, so rare a time for him to be quiet that I check a couple of times-just in case-to make sure he was ok. HE was he was simply talking to his Father again and it made me smile. It made me reflect on the times I was angry with my earthly Father and stopped talking to him only to be made more whole by reconnecting with him again and having him embrace me upon return, just like dads roommate and his heavenly Father.
Dads roommate decided to go out later for some "fresh air" and as he scooted by he stopped and said "you know he was approached 3 times by the devil ..I always thought it was once. I am going to ponder that and alot more. Glad to have met you." And out the door he went. I wanted to take the bible back off of his side of the room but just felt like it needed to stay there. Today when I was on my way to visit dad I confess that I had many thoughts going through my head like how dads night went , did he feel any better and if his roommate was there still-just in case he forgot to leave my bible. That bible was important to me because of when I received it on the first day of my rebirth and the day I chose to try again to live but trying it Gods way this time. I kept that bible for all this time and always brought it to places when I felt like there was extra intervention needed from the Holy Spirit like when my dad was first in hospital and on life support-that bible was like my weapon for God and even if all of that was in my head it meant alot to me. I got there too late. Dads roommate was gone and dad was now on his side by the window. I confess again that I looked around for the bible and it was gone and after the moment of frustration washed away I realized how that bible was used as such a great weapon for God against the enemy for dads roommate who told me he was an atheist and stopped believing a long time ago and left reading, pondering and taking that weapon home with him to reconnect with his heavenly father again. I know I say this alot but God is so much bigger than all of us and all of this world and I pray that he may continue to use me and my JESUS FREAK a simple vessel to connect others to Him. I brought that bible in for my dad in his fight for his physical and spiritual life but perhaps Gods plans for that bible were for dads roommate all along.
How many times do we lay claim to things -especially personal items like a bible and assume God will only use it for us? That bible was only mine for a season and already God knew 10 years later I would meet a roommate when my dad was in crisis and use that bible to help save us all in that moment. Thanks for following on my crazy JESUS FREAK journey.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Dads Roommate
It has been an emotional last three weeks as many of you know my dad has been in the hospital battling for his life both physically and spiritually. The details do not matter except I will say that I know for sure any scars we see on the outside are far easier to recover from than the ones we carry on the inside of us all. He was moved out of the ICU and into a regular ward a few days ago and after being excited about the move knowing he was only getting stronger we realized he would be sharing a room with someone and would no longer have a window of his own and privacy-boy we loose focus on the praises so quickly when our flesh creeps in. Anyway we hoped he would get a room mate who was at least quiet and didn't mind listening to Dads sometimes very powerful cough. As I walked down the hallway towards dads room I could here a man yelling for the nurse to come quickly to his room. He yelled over and over again and as I approached my fathers room I realized it was getting louder and louder because it was my dads roommate who was yelling. I dare not look on the other side of the curtain as I was already upset for my dad who has been having trouble sleeping and now this guy was screaming at the top of his lungs. Oh and he had a bed that sounded like an air mattress blowing up every 15 minutes or so as well and instead of seeing what he needed I just began to fill with frustration for my dad. A nurse finally came and asked what he needed and the man said cigarettes. CIGARETTES!!!! My dad has been listening to you yell for goodness knows how long because you wanted a cigarette?!?!?!? Needless to say I wasn't getting any more patient about this situation and "Christian" badge of honor was beginning to fall off. Why would God put my dad through all of this and then add this guy to the mix? What is going on? Why cant my dad just get a break in here?
I left that evening frustrated and concerned for my dad and the next day got a nudge that perhaps I should find out about this man on the other side of the curtain. After introducing himself I found out his whole life story in one half hour he decided to share with me including the reason why he was in the hospital.I could tell by the way the nurses were engaging with him that he was quite a character and he revealed a little bit of that to us too. He said he felt sorry for my dad with that bad cough of his and hoped they could do something about it for him-he figured he must have pneumonia (diagnosed because of his history of being in the hospital many times just like dad) I now saw in a short time a weird sort of comradery they began to have even in the moments they seemed frustrated with each other-kind of like those two old guys on the muppets. As the days passed and I began to greet my dads neighbor each day I visited i began to enjoy his rantings about the people who wouldn't get him cigarettes and the nurses who didn't answer the bell. He asked what I did for a job and I told him about the mission. He asked how long I had been a missionary and I began to tell him a little bit about it. He said he used to believe in God but was now an atheist. I told him he wasn't an atheist because I had heard him a few days earlier yelling our bible verses. He said God took his wife from him and that was why he was an atheist. I very boldly told him that he wasn't an atheist but that he was just mad at God and I have been mad at him too but the good thing is God still loved him and never gives up on him. He said maybe but for now he doesn't believe and I told him I was lucky to meet him. As I pulled the curtain back I saw my parents giggling with each other at their bold child. Dad says you would always say anything to anyone. I said God puts us in places and spaces always for His purpose dad. Dads roommate wanted me to give him information about the mission so today I brought in our pamphlet. He quietly read the pages reading about what God was doing there and later told me that I should hand these out to everyone I meet because it looks like such a great place. He wants to know more about what we do and what we need and how can he help us out. I look forward to seeing my dads roommate now and have only a few days left as he moves out on Friday but I am grateful to God for sorting out my attitude of frustration and making me see that its all about Him.
This JESUS FREAK journey has been especially interesting for me the last three weeks and although I am not sharing the details about my dads journey with you until he okays it I will simply say I have realized in a big way that the largest part of this journey for me has been forgetting about me and the things in this life that "frustrate" me and realizing that every situation, moment, minute, person or place is an opportunity to seek God in it. When I learn to do this in EVERYTHING on this journey I wont ever have to look for my FREAK again. Thanks for reading , praying for my dad and loving a man you may never get to meet.
I left that evening frustrated and concerned for my dad and the next day got a nudge that perhaps I should find out about this man on the other side of the curtain. After introducing himself I found out his whole life story in one half hour he decided to share with me including the reason why he was in the hospital.I could tell by the way the nurses were engaging with him that he was quite a character and he revealed a little bit of that to us too. He said he felt sorry for my dad with that bad cough of his and hoped they could do something about it for him-he figured he must have pneumonia (diagnosed because of his history of being in the hospital many times just like dad) I now saw in a short time a weird sort of comradery they began to have even in the moments they seemed frustrated with each other-kind of like those two old guys on the muppets. As the days passed and I began to greet my dads neighbor each day I visited i began to enjoy his rantings about the people who wouldn't get him cigarettes and the nurses who didn't answer the bell. He asked what I did for a job and I told him about the mission. He asked how long I had been a missionary and I began to tell him a little bit about it. He said he used to believe in God but was now an atheist. I told him he wasn't an atheist because I had heard him a few days earlier yelling our bible verses. He said God took his wife from him and that was why he was an atheist. I very boldly told him that he wasn't an atheist but that he was just mad at God and I have been mad at him too but the good thing is God still loved him and never gives up on him. He said maybe but for now he doesn't believe and I told him I was lucky to meet him. As I pulled the curtain back I saw my parents giggling with each other at their bold child. Dad says you would always say anything to anyone. I said God puts us in places and spaces always for His purpose dad. Dads roommate wanted me to give him information about the mission so today I brought in our pamphlet. He quietly read the pages reading about what God was doing there and later told me that I should hand these out to everyone I meet because it looks like such a great place. He wants to know more about what we do and what we need and how can he help us out. I look forward to seeing my dads roommate now and have only a few days left as he moves out on Friday but I am grateful to God for sorting out my attitude of frustration and making me see that its all about Him.
This JESUS FREAK journey has been especially interesting for me the last three weeks and although I am not sharing the details about my dads journey with you until he okays it I will simply say I have realized in a big way that the largest part of this journey for me has been forgetting about me and the things in this life that "frustrate" me and realizing that every situation, moment, minute, person or place is an opportunity to seek God in it. When I learn to do this in EVERYTHING on this journey I wont ever have to look for my FREAK again. Thanks for reading , praying for my dad and loving a man you may never get to meet.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Sunday morning at R.A.W- Why Easter Sunday has never been more messy or more wonderful.
Picked up the donuts (making sure George has a boston cream), check, got the grape juice and bread, check, got the blank cheques, check and the copy of "its Friday but Sundays comin'" video from Marion double check.
Arrive to two bags of garbage that the mice have been enjoying for their Easter weekend dinner, front window that had been egged and a great fear that we had run out of whitener but with a very quick and inappropriate prayer we found some.
Quickly set up the coffee, Hannah fills the water, open the door and let George in so he can turn the closed sign to open and inspect the doughnuts. Write on our sandwich board sign "He has Risen! Happy Easter!" and get George to place it out front so as he says "so people know what the hell your doin in here!"
Watch Sandy come from Marion's car across the street with a home made quiche in her hands so excited to share another one of her Sunday morning creations with us." Its too hot right now just took it out the oven but get me a knife and we can cut it so everyone can try" Marion is back from Africa so we try to quickly get an update but decide later would be better.
Murray rides by on his bike -we pray he parks - and he does and comes in .
Two friends we haven't seen in a while come with two neighborhood girls they mentor from their city kids route, excited to celebrate Easter.
Lorna is late I run around the corner to her apartment and knock on the door to her husband John half a sleep saying I let her know its church. They show up later together (his first time celebrating with her and all of us on a Sunday)
Jessica comes too-nice to see her I love connecting with her at bible study Wednesday mornings. Anne and our mascot Riley brought some deviled eggs to share.
We pray together sitting in our circle of friends and begin. Worship God through singing , scripture reading, communion, lots of broken conversations around the room about the bread and body and juice ( George saying he will never get drunk on this much), many heads peeking in from the street curious to see what we are doing and enjoying the coffee and quiche (Bobby bringing in one of the "girls" off the corner to eat for a moment before she heads back out) silence together in reflection interrupted by giggles and gas and God, sharing around the room about what Easter is for each of us or the impact of the cross. An idea Sandy wanted to implement from Alpha about filling in a blank cheque signed by God for all our sins paid in full an idea that got all of us involved together-even George carefully folded his and gently placed it into his t-shirt pocket as delicately as I have ever seen him touch something-it struck him in a way that he couldn't verbalize but I could clearly see forced him to see the sacredness of that blank cheque that had been paid for him.
more music, group prayer, going over first the list of answered prayers from the previous Sundays as we celebrated Gods answers and also continued prayer for His will and for new prayer for one another.
I love the excitement of following our prayer list week after week and being able to reflect on the journey God has all of us on. I love that every week George prays for Sandy to continue to do well and to be well. I simply love the personal prayer time for each other, I soak in that I love it.
With everyone decided we were finished-there is no set time except for starting and I guess Easter is as good as any to go "longer" a few hours together, Marion shares her pictures of her Africa missions trip, answering many questions from our friends, Sandy finally getting to see our daughters wedding pictures, More music requests from those who still want to dance and worship so we play more while George goes on coffee clean up since all the food is gone. He complains under his breathe that if they don't come to church they shouldn't be able to eat and then looks up at me and says " I know Mrs.Graham (his affectionate name for me) God loves all of them" I smile because this was a messy, interrupted, loud, inappropriate at times, crazy , wonderful, blessed morning to celebrate Easter, The resurrection of our Saviour, with all of us who need to remember that its in the mess that the miracles come. Oh what a miracle morning that was. Praise you Lord. Thank-you R.A.W (Real people awesome God worship) you have restored my spirit.
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