It has almost been one year since this JESUS FREAK journey started.....in two more days I am officially 40 years old.....I am so excited!
This journey has taken me places within myself that have been a bit scary and it has definitely been a year of growth, sometimes painful but so worth every minute. When I started this blog the idea was to find my FREAK again that space I was in almost 10 years ago when Jesus destroyed me to give me a new life. I thought finding that "excitement " about my faith again was what I needed but I now know all along God was bringing me to an even better place with Him......isn't it wonderful that He doesn't always give us what we think we need? Gods wisdom has saved me many times from myself. My FREAK for JESUS is here again but in a much more rich way, it is here with a sense that I soak more than I FREAK about it and my boldness that I thought I lost is here but it is more secure in itself which makes it even better. I thought I was looking to return to what I had but God wasn't okay with leaving me there, He loves us all more than that.
Tonight my wonderful husband, daughter and best friend threw a fantastic surprise 40th birthday party for me. It was in the barn on my friends property, lots of wonderful food and I received amazing gifts......I was overwhelmed. As we went for the tractor ride as the sun was setting I was reflecting in my mind how the last 40 years of my life has been. I thought about the girl I was and the woman I am now. I thought about my relationships with family and friends and my marriage and my children.......the good and the bad. I sat on that ride and thought about the people at this party some who have known me my whole life, some from my past and some just from the last 10 years or less and I couldn't help but smile. It amazes me how God can gather all of these people together in a space, all who have known me , loved me, been through great times but also some very dark times and have us celebrate together with one another. I thought about how awkward it really did feel at first when I saw them all and realized the party was for me. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the people whom God has placed in my life, how did I ever deserve this? I reflected on the people who were there some who I have hurt in the past and mended those relationships and many who just gave me a whole lotta grace in the times I have messed up and never needed any mending at all. I thought about all the people there who mentored me on this 10 year journey with Jesus and who may never know how instrumental their time, listening ear or simple example has been to me. I love how different we all are and how God uses us all to refine eachother and to even allow painful experiences to teach us mercy, grace and strength.
I sat and opened many beautiful cards with words that inspired , made me laugh and made me cry.Opened beautiful gifts and gifts that will allow me to indulge in the things I love. I sat with my "BIRTHDAY GIRL" button and looked around a barn at God .
I saw the face of Jesus in everyone there. I saw how God took a broken life of mine and didn't just put it back together but reformed and reshaped it using the most important tool He has to do that......His people....my people ......all those people in that barn tonight. Not perfect relationships but messy ones....beautiful kingdom mess with Gods people. I could hardly breath when I said thank-you tonight. I realized in that moment that my search for my JESUS FREAK was over, It was never really gone because it was right there in that room. It wasn't about trying to get back what I thought I lost it was about realizing that God was moving me into a new phase of this journey and in order to move me forward He needed me to see what the FREAK really is. Its the relationships in the community of God that holds no barriers of where you attend church, IF you attend church, what denomination you are. Having my JESUS FREAK back was about the enormity of the spirit of God and that no box can contain it. No rules or doctrine or building. My FREAK was in the connection to people who live this crazy life in ways that inspire and provoke It is found in a room full of people who do not demand perfection from me but demand a life lived full for God even if that looks radically different from theirs My JESUS FREAK is back. Not the way it used to be but the way it is meant to be on this leg of the journey.
I think I may continue this blog as a personal reminder to me of the many ways God is still working on me. Thanks for reading it this year and thanks to everyone who has ever touched my life.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Monday, July 29, 2013
Caged birds
You know when God is nudging you to do something but you pretend its not Him because it doesn't make any sense or truthfully you are a little afraid of the unknown....yeah me too...and then you ignore the nudging for a year and then instead of nudging He wakes you from your sleep and says "Go!".....yeah me too. I ignored God sending me to Notre Dame Mother house for a year, maybe even more and then on my walk the other day I tried to turn down my regular route and the whisper turned into something a little louder and I felt physically unable to turn the corner.That's when I decided to GO! and go I did. A little nervous but knew He was sending me there for some real reason on this JESUS FREAK journey and I better do what He says-it always works out better that way anyway.
Some people may not think of me as someone who hesitates when God speaks to them,i have been pretty bold in this journey of mine but this was different. He was asking me to go to a place that I have spent alot of my life INCLUDING this journey with Jesus "murdering" with my tongue. I have spent alot of time in my relationship with Jesus making it "okay" for me to blast the catholic church and all its traditions in the name of the "right" way to walk with God....how embarrassing this is for me to even write to you.But i need to share this with you because the lessons I was taught on my walk to the convent cut really deeply for me in a great way and I hope like with all of this blog that others can glean something from this journey He has me on.
In my "righteous" "know it all" way I can sometimes be with Jesus, I have created a portrait of Him , a perspective perhaps that He needs to have the same relationship with everyone else like He does with me....oh I am so silly sometimes. I spent 13 years of my life attending catholic school and most of that time disrespecting the catholic faith, traditions and more importantly the people who are dedicated to this faith. Perhaps this has turned into more of a confession than a lesson......perhaps that s what He needs me to do , so hopefully the lesson sinks in....ouch. I used to make fun of the repetitive prayer, the fact that I could repeat every service before the priest did and i really didn't understand those poor woman called nuns who lived this horrible life locked up in those convents like birds in a cage...singing and praying but trapped. I had a grade 10 religion teacher who sent me to spend lots of time in the hallway for my disrespectful remarks in class.One time in particular I remember saying " you people are ridiculous.you torture a guy on a cross and leave him up there bleeding and I am supposed to worship this. Couldn't you come up with a nicer symbol?" Even as I write this I am once again convicted about what I said. Those words still burn. This was one of the things I confessed to God many years ago because I understood without the cross I would not be alive. The funny thing is though I never asked God to forgive the way I disrespected that nun who taught that class, I still held onto my right to think she and her religion was wrong. No wonder almost 10 years later God is still trying to nudge me about it.
When I walked up to the large building on my walk it kinda felt like sitting in the confessional booth again, even though these woman did not know the secrets of what God was trying to teach me that day....sometimes when you are being convicted of something it needs to be so painful that you think everyone can read it on you like a scarlet letter. Sometimes, for me anyway,that's how He has to teach me. I asked if I could walk on the grounds and the sweet nun from behind the desk thanked me for asking and gave me a tag that read "visitor"....I really was a visitor to their faith for this morning. She leaned in a little and whispered to me "there is a little gate at the back of the building, turn right and you will get a glimpse of it. Just lift the lock and go in ...its the jubilee garden." She smiled. I felt like she knew what I needed. I felt like she knew what I did to her, her faith but like in a beautiful Jesus moment she forgave and extended to me a secret place where I could go and be with Him. This will be one of the turning points for me in this journey of mine. A great lesson of grace from God through the very people I "murdered" all those years ago with my tongue.
I started to walk and at first couldn't find that gate until I walked a little further and there it was a little iron gate that opened up to a wonderful Eden, a hidden refuge, an oasis for my soul. I immediately felt a sense of peace as I walked through the gate. I began to see all the beautiful flowers and trees the wind was just a whisper and chipmunks and squirrels were sharing a meal together on the ground and as I looked up I had to sit down.......there above them was 2 cages with birds in them...I know!!! Crazy!! I thought at first that they had just placed the birds outside to get some fresh air ...I don't know..maybe they brought them in when the weather was bad or maybe they are a special kind of outdoor caged bird that I didn't know about.I also saw there was no door on the cage? I sat down....looked up...and saw the birds fly out...it seems the metal on the cage was just wide enough for them to go in between and fly away if they choose to but also so they could choose to enter the cage and sit on the swings and sing..................choose to enter the cage and sit on the swings and sing knowing they could leave whenever they wanted. Immediately after I saw two nuns come into the garden and began to smell the flowers and walk out of the gate into the world. Free to leave if they choose but choosing to come back to sit and sing and pray and praise. Free to love Jesus the way they do, the way they have been called to by God. Even as I write this the tears flood my eyes again..tears of repentance, tears of Joy tears of learning another lesson on this journey with Jesus. It felt like a release of sin from my heart and a removal of that scarlet letter i had carried of judgment.....so painful but so freeing. I stayed in that jubilee garden for hours and soaked in the Lord. I remembered all the things I was taught in Catholic school about prayer and how important repetitive prayer can be when meditating with Jesus, I remembered the commitment these woman make to God and although I may not agree with everything they do or believe it doesn't really matter. We are all here to glean from one another in this big family of God. I now wish for the kind of commitment these woman have and dare i say now pray for God to make me more like them in that aspect.
As i began to walk home I noticed a rock in between the stages of the cross that read."All the works of God proceed slowly and in pain but then their roots are the sturdier and their flowers the lovelier"
Perhaps not caged birds after all but Lovely flowers with sturdy roots. Oh Jesus never stop teaching me and molding me even though it can be painful. Let me enter the cage of your love that protects me but never demands me to stay.
Some people may not think of me as someone who hesitates when God speaks to them,i have been pretty bold in this journey of mine but this was different. He was asking me to go to a place that I have spent alot of my life INCLUDING this journey with Jesus "murdering" with my tongue. I have spent alot of time in my relationship with Jesus making it "okay" for me to blast the catholic church and all its traditions in the name of the "right" way to walk with God....how embarrassing this is for me to even write to you.But i need to share this with you because the lessons I was taught on my walk to the convent cut really deeply for me in a great way and I hope like with all of this blog that others can glean something from this journey He has me on.
In my "righteous" "know it all" way I can sometimes be with Jesus, I have created a portrait of Him , a perspective perhaps that He needs to have the same relationship with everyone else like He does with me....oh I am so silly sometimes. I spent 13 years of my life attending catholic school and most of that time disrespecting the catholic faith, traditions and more importantly the people who are dedicated to this faith. Perhaps this has turned into more of a confession than a lesson......perhaps that s what He needs me to do , so hopefully the lesson sinks in....ouch. I used to make fun of the repetitive prayer, the fact that I could repeat every service before the priest did and i really didn't understand those poor woman called nuns who lived this horrible life locked up in those convents like birds in a cage...singing and praying but trapped. I had a grade 10 religion teacher who sent me to spend lots of time in the hallway for my disrespectful remarks in class.One time in particular I remember saying " you people are ridiculous.you torture a guy on a cross and leave him up there bleeding and I am supposed to worship this. Couldn't you come up with a nicer symbol?" Even as I write this I am once again convicted about what I said. Those words still burn. This was one of the things I confessed to God many years ago because I understood without the cross I would not be alive. The funny thing is though I never asked God to forgive the way I disrespected that nun who taught that class, I still held onto my right to think she and her religion was wrong. No wonder almost 10 years later God is still trying to nudge me about it.
When I walked up to the large building on my walk it kinda felt like sitting in the confessional booth again, even though these woman did not know the secrets of what God was trying to teach me that day....sometimes when you are being convicted of something it needs to be so painful that you think everyone can read it on you like a scarlet letter. Sometimes, for me anyway,that's how He has to teach me. I asked if I could walk on the grounds and the sweet nun from behind the desk thanked me for asking and gave me a tag that read "visitor"....I really was a visitor to their faith for this morning. She leaned in a little and whispered to me "there is a little gate at the back of the building, turn right and you will get a glimpse of it. Just lift the lock and go in ...its the jubilee garden." She smiled. I felt like she knew what I needed. I felt like she knew what I did to her, her faith but like in a beautiful Jesus moment she forgave and extended to me a secret place where I could go and be with Him. This will be one of the turning points for me in this journey of mine. A great lesson of grace from God through the very people I "murdered" all those years ago with my tongue.
I started to walk and at first couldn't find that gate until I walked a little further and there it was a little iron gate that opened up to a wonderful Eden, a hidden refuge, an oasis for my soul. I immediately felt a sense of peace as I walked through the gate. I began to see all the beautiful flowers and trees the wind was just a whisper and chipmunks and squirrels were sharing a meal together on the ground and as I looked up I had to sit down.......there above them was 2 cages with birds in them...I know!!! Crazy!! I thought at first that they had just placed the birds outside to get some fresh air ...I don't know..maybe they brought them in when the weather was bad or maybe they are a special kind of outdoor caged bird that I didn't know about.I also saw there was no door on the cage? I sat down....looked up...and saw the birds fly out...it seems the metal on the cage was just wide enough for them to go in between and fly away if they choose to but also so they could choose to enter the cage and sit on the swings and sing..................choose to enter the cage and sit on the swings and sing knowing they could leave whenever they wanted. Immediately after I saw two nuns come into the garden and began to smell the flowers and walk out of the gate into the world. Free to leave if they choose but choosing to come back to sit and sing and pray and praise. Free to love Jesus the way they do, the way they have been called to by God. Even as I write this the tears flood my eyes again..tears of repentance, tears of Joy tears of learning another lesson on this journey with Jesus. It felt like a release of sin from my heart and a removal of that scarlet letter i had carried of judgment.....so painful but so freeing. I stayed in that jubilee garden for hours and soaked in the Lord. I remembered all the things I was taught in Catholic school about prayer and how important repetitive prayer can be when meditating with Jesus, I remembered the commitment these woman make to God and although I may not agree with everything they do or believe it doesn't really matter. We are all here to glean from one another in this big family of God. I now wish for the kind of commitment these woman have and dare i say now pray for God to make me more like them in that aspect.
As i began to walk home I noticed a rock in between the stages of the cross that read."All the works of God proceed slowly and in pain but then their roots are the sturdier and their flowers the lovelier"
Perhaps not caged birds after all but Lovely flowers with sturdy roots. Oh Jesus never stop teaching me and molding me even though it can be painful. Let me enter the cage of your love that protects me but never demands me to stay.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Best lesson I ever received in tithing
On this almost 10 year journey since Jesus first collided with my heart I have heard alot of wonderful messages on tithing from many pastors .....today was the best one and it came directly from my friend Murray who thought he was just coming to the mission today for a coffee but Gods plan was so much more than that, but isn't it always.
Tom and I haven't been to "regular church" "corporate church" whatever people call it for a few months now and although it seems strange on this JESUS FREAK journey I would remove myself from church to "hang out" with our friends at the mission on a Sunday that is exactly where God has placed us right now. I often get asked if I feel like we are missing something, I find God is so great at teaching us right now that the messages we need to hear on our journey are right down at 349/351 Barton st east in Hamilton. What a strange place to go to and hear the messages you need but for us right now its exactly where He has placed us.....another blog on all of that later. Right now I want to get back to Murray and share with you his wisdom on tithing.
Murray came in as he always does with much excitement and makes sure you know he is in the room-everyone knows he is there. Murray is loud in voice ,energy and visually with all of his tattoos and piercings and interesting outfits. We love him. Even when its hard...something God says about me everyday. Anyway today he felt it was really important to let me know that he NEEDED to speak to me to day when I wasn't too busy and when the line died down at the coffee I asked what he wanted to talk about. HE said he sat up all night watching a preacher on t.v talk about money and the church, I admit when Murray said that I was a little nervous. Money and the church is most times a touchy subjects for our friends at the mission and I understand why. I listened more as you need to do with Murray as he described to me who the preacher was and how he began to cry when the preacher said to him "Would you rather give it to God or would you rather the devil steal it?" For many of us we could have watched that and thought this t.v evangelist was preying on vulnerable people to get their money and maybe he was but Murray said he spoke to him and who am I to say different. "Helen he said that we need to do things that are hard sometimes so God can fix us and the things that we hold on to.....so do you guys take a\ tithe at your Sunday thing here at RAW?"
I told him we did and when I saw him tomorrow he could give it to me and i would write it down and give him a receipt-he got upset. "Helen I don't need you to write it down i trust you with Gods money and besides we aren't supposed to give it to get something back like taxes and shit just give it that's what the preacher said. I don't want to wait until tomorrow because I know if I do i will spend it and that's what the devil wants."
Murray is on a fixed income. I have seen him in times of homelessness and hunger-sometimes his own doing because of his addiction sometimes not but Murray cant easily part with money and I assumed he was about to give me a toonie or loonie, yes i am embarrassed to say I made that assumption. I have an envelope that now holds $40 with Murray's name on it that he wants to give to God because of all that God has done for him. Murray will not benefit from this via a tax receipt or for some bragging rights he just understands what God spoke to him last night through that preacher. He wasn't done there. Murray saw me outside after his coffee sweeping up the cigarette butts and came rushing out."mrs. Norris Mrs.Norris!!!! If Tom sees you sweating he will be mad at me I will clean up out here." So Murray and I talked more together as he helped sweep up cigarette butts and garbage and crack pipes and dog poop. He taught me about God and His love and how he never gave up on him even when he still messes up. He reminded me that we are not going to heaven because of cleaning the street or the money he gave but just because Jesus died for us. I spent an hour with my friend Murray on the street picking up garbage while he preached to me a beautiful sermon on Gods love for me and the importance of giving up my comfort for His plan. " I gave you that money to let God use it and I know he will. If I don't starve the beast in me it will eat me up inside and one way to starve it Helen is to do something hard for God."
I do miss "regular" church sometimes but right now I am learning so much in my season away from it from some amazing teachers like my friend Murray. God thank-you for reminding me that wisdom from my friend Sharon "WE are the church. If you listen you can hear God everywhere."
Tom and I haven't been to "regular church" "corporate church" whatever people call it for a few months now and although it seems strange on this JESUS FREAK journey I would remove myself from church to "hang out" with our friends at the mission on a Sunday that is exactly where God has placed us right now. I often get asked if I feel like we are missing something, I find God is so great at teaching us right now that the messages we need to hear on our journey are right down at 349/351 Barton st east in Hamilton. What a strange place to go to and hear the messages you need but for us right now its exactly where He has placed us.....another blog on all of that later. Right now I want to get back to Murray and share with you his wisdom on tithing.
Murray came in as he always does with much excitement and makes sure you know he is in the room-everyone knows he is there. Murray is loud in voice ,energy and visually with all of his tattoos and piercings and interesting outfits. We love him. Even when its hard...something God says about me everyday. Anyway today he felt it was really important to let me know that he NEEDED to speak to me to day when I wasn't too busy and when the line died down at the coffee I asked what he wanted to talk about. HE said he sat up all night watching a preacher on t.v talk about money and the church, I admit when Murray said that I was a little nervous. Money and the church is most times a touchy subjects for our friends at the mission and I understand why. I listened more as you need to do with Murray as he described to me who the preacher was and how he began to cry when the preacher said to him "Would you rather give it to God or would you rather the devil steal it?" For many of us we could have watched that and thought this t.v evangelist was preying on vulnerable people to get their money and maybe he was but Murray said he spoke to him and who am I to say different. "Helen he said that we need to do things that are hard sometimes so God can fix us and the things that we hold on to.....so do you guys take a\ tithe at your Sunday thing here at RAW?"
I told him we did and when I saw him tomorrow he could give it to me and i would write it down and give him a receipt-he got upset. "Helen I don't need you to write it down i trust you with Gods money and besides we aren't supposed to give it to get something back like taxes and shit just give it that's what the preacher said. I don't want to wait until tomorrow because I know if I do i will spend it and that's what the devil wants."
Murray is on a fixed income. I have seen him in times of homelessness and hunger-sometimes his own doing because of his addiction sometimes not but Murray cant easily part with money and I assumed he was about to give me a toonie or loonie, yes i am embarrassed to say I made that assumption. I have an envelope that now holds $40 with Murray's name on it that he wants to give to God because of all that God has done for him. Murray will not benefit from this via a tax receipt or for some bragging rights he just understands what God spoke to him last night through that preacher. He wasn't done there. Murray saw me outside after his coffee sweeping up the cigarette butts and came rushing out."mrs. Norris Mrs.Norris!!!! If Tom sees you sweating he will be mad at me I will clean up out here." So Murray and I talked more together as he helped sweep up cigarette butts and garbage and crack pipes and dog poop. He taught me about God and His love and how he never gave up on him even when he still messes up. He reminded me that we are not going to heaven because of cleaning the street or the money he gave but just because Jesus died for us. I spent an hour with my friend Murray on the street picking up garbage while he preached to me a beautiful sermon on Gods love for me and the importance of giving up my comfort for His plan. " I gave you that money to let God use it and I know he will. If I don't starve the beast in me it will eat me up inside and one way to starve it Helen is to do something hard for God."
I do miss "regular" church sometimes but right now I am learning so much in my season away from it from some amazing teachers like my friend Murray. God thank-you for reminding me that wisdom from my friend Sharon "WE are the church. If you listen you can hear God everywhere."
Friday, July 12, 2013
Mature enough to run again
This morning i decided to run again.
I was reflecting back on my first ever JESUS FREAK blog where I decided that my year long journey to 40 would not include something like weight loss because my spiritual exercising felt more desperate for me at that time. I know this may sound crazy but i feel like this journey has brought me full circle to the point where my spiritual muscles seem to be working again and now I feel like i CAN exercise my body in a healthy and responsible way.
There has been many moments in my life where i have irresponsibly exercised. I have exercised to have a smaller body leaving out a pair of jeans that are too small on the bed and trying them on after every run, maintain a certain number on the scale or just because it became my latest obsession or "addiction" of choice. ALL things for me that lend nothing to being healthy if the goal is all about obtaining something or some size the world says I should be, or abusing it to stop dealing with the real hard issues in my life that i just cant face. I feel like although I am almost 40 I am finally mature enough to exercise again. I feel like this JESUS FREAK journey has been a difficult, sobering and often chaotic one but so needed in my life to draw out of ME what was holding on to the stuff that was drowning my spirit. A Lot of those things were thoughts I had about myself, my value to others and mostly to this God who loves me. For the majority of my life INCLUDING after my delicious encounter with Jesus I fought against the physical hatred I had of myself. I thought that having Jesus in my life and learning how much he loves me I would never have to worry about weight gain or inactivity due to depression because I no longer had the right to feel that way if I understood the truth of the Gospel. I spent lots of time building up woman at the mission and telling them to look at themselves in the mirror and remember that God sees them as beautiful always..........you would think I would hang on to that for myself but I usually didn't. Oh I dont binge like I have in the past and purge anymore, I choose not to drink alcohol out of fear that it will become what I choose to do every weekend like I have but i feel like the one addiction I could always maintain in secret was my quiet anger with my body by just stopping the obsession of counting and weighing and running and running and running....... it doesnt go away it just perpetuates the cycle of watching your body become so far away from the worlds "ideal" and you began to think about which foods to stop eating and ways to deprive or punish yourself that no one will see.
I love how on this FREAK journey God always steps in with something you need but disguises it as something you are doing for someone else. I am certified in mental Health first aid now. A two day course I was taking to better understand my "mentally Ill" friends at the mission- you know those people who have problems......I have been so blessed by the knowledge I now have about mental illness and how much the course taught me about my own personal obsessions and mental blocks. Realizing that although i am not diagnosed with a mental illness but that we all fight against something every day that is trying to take us away from the intention God has for our lives. The course was not a Christ centered course but I spent each chapter reflecting on where I find God in it. I was embarrassed to realize that many of the words i have spoken to many woman over the years about who they are as they look in the mirror were coming back at me as a lie about who I am -crazy, perhaps but I felt like i needed to be really honest about this in the hopes that someone else doesnt feel like they are struggling alone. I felt i needed to say sorry to God for the way i thought about myself, his child and for the abuse i put on myself over the many years since my body started to develop in the name of "health" which was a total lie.....an outward shell but dead inside.......God isnt interested in a tight butt or certain size but in a child whose love for themselves means all things for His glory in His timing. there was nothing glorifying God about my obsession about size, stuffing myself so I don't feel anything, running and running and running so that maybe I would find the woman I was supposed to be. God sees the woman I am and he smiles at me, inspite of my "imperfect physical self". I forgot how imperfect all those wonderful people God used in scripture were not just in their sin but I don't remember hearing about how Esther stood in front of a mirror before she wen out in the morning to make sure she didn't look too big.
I ran again today because I learned it is good for my mental health and they were right. it cleared my mind to think about how much He loves me and that all obsessions are not healthy for me -even if the world says so. I think I might be mature enough to run now....run because it is good for my mental health and physically good for me.....not because when I am done I will try to squeeze into something that will make me feel more valuable. Today i was mature enough to run ..no goal but to seek clarity to try and love Him more the only way to truly be in love with His child.
I was reflecting back on my first ever JESUS FREAK blog where I decided that my year long journey to 40 would not include something like weight loss because my spiritual exercising felt more desperate for me at that time. I know this may sound crazy but i feel like this journey has brought me full circle to the point where my spiritual muscles seem to be working again and now I feel like i CAN exercise my body in a healthy and responsible way.
There has been many moments in my life where i have irresponsibly exercised. I have exercised to have a smaller body leaving out a pair of jeans that are too small on the bed and trying them on after every run, maintain a certain number on the scale or just because it became my latest obsession or "addiction" of choice. ALL things for me that lend nothing to being healthy if the goal is all about obtaining something or some size the world says I should be, or abusing it to stop dealing with the real hard issues in my life that i just cant face. I feel like although I am almost 40 I am finally mature enough to exercise again. I feel like this JESUS FREAK journey has been a difficult, sobering and often chaotic one but so needed in my life to draw out of ME what was holding on to the stuff that was drowning my spirit. A Lot of those things were thoughts I had about myself, my value to others and mostly to this God who loves me. For the majority of my life INCLUDING after my delicious encounter with Jesus I fought against the physical hatred I had of myself. I thought that having Jesus in my life and learning how much he loves me I would never have to worry about weight gain or inactivity due to depression because I no longer had the right to feel that way if I understood the truth of the Gospel. I spent lots of time building up woman at the mission and telling them to look at themselves in the mirror and remember that God sees them as beautiful always..........you would think I would hang on to that for myself but I usually didn't. Oh I dont binge like I have in the past and purge anymore, I choose not to drink alcohol out of fear that it will become what I choose to do every weekend like I have but i feel like the one addiction I could always maintain in secret was my quiet anger with my body by just stopping the obsession of counting and weighing and running and running and running....... it doesnt go away it just perpetuates the cycle of watching your body become so far away from the worlds "ideal" and you began to think about which foods to stop eating and ways to deprive or punish yourself that no one will see.
I love how on this FREAK journey God always steps in with something you need but disguises it as something you are doing for someone else. I am certified in mental Health first aid now. A two day course I was taking to better understand my "mentally Ill" friends at the mission- you know those people who have problems......I have been so blessed by the knowledge I now have about mental illness and how much the course taught me about my own personal obsessions and mental blocks. Realizing that although i am not diagnosed with a mental illness but that we all fight against something every day that is trying to take us away from the intention God has for our lives. The course was not a Christ centered course but I spent each chapter reflecting on where I find God in it. I was embarrassed to realize that many of the words i have spoken to many woman over the years about who they are as they look in the mirror were coming back at me as a lie about who I am -crazy, perhaps but I felt like i needed to be really honest about this in the hopes that someone else doesnt feel like they are struggling alone. I felt i needed to say sorry to God for the way i thought about myself, his child and for the abuse i put on myself over the many years since my body started to develop in the name of "health" which was a total lie.....an outward shell but dead inside.......God isnt interested in a tight butt or certain size but in a child whose love for themselves means all things for His glory in His timing. there was nothing glorifying God about my obsession about size, stuffing myself so I don't feel anything, running and running and running so that maybe I would find the woman I was supposed to be. God sees the woman I am and he smiles at me, inspite of my "imperfect physical self". I forgot how imperfect all those wonderful people God used in scripture were not just in their sin but I don't remember hearing about how Esther stood in front of a mirror before she wen out in the morning to make sure she didn't look too big.
I ran again today because I learned it is good for my mental health and they were right. it cleared my mind to think about how much He loves me and that all obsessions are not healthy for me -even if the world says so. I think I might be mature enough to run now....run because it is good for my mental health and physically good for me.....not because when I am done I will try to squeeze into something that will make me feel more valuable. Today i was mature enough to run ..no goal but to seek clarity to try and love Him more the only way to truly be in love with His child.
Monday, July 8, 2013
She brought her grandson to Sunday school
God gives us a glimpse of the Kingdom of heaven sometimes and it takes my breathe away. To be in the midst of his redeeming power, His Grace , His mercy and His awesome restoration. To watch someone live out the promises of God from scripture is a privilege i cannot believe He gives to us. It is breathless. It is beautiful. It is God.
My friend Sandi is the promise of scripture being lived out right in front of all of us. She would never count herself as a Christian woman to gain wisdom from or to be mentored by but I have learned so much from her in the last 10 months than I think I have in all the 10 years of christian community and bible study put together........or maybe its just that her raw relationship with God is so in-your-face beautiful I cant help but watch and be forever changed by it. There is no room for "filler" or "pretending" anything or any part of it -her relationship is long over due or perfectly timed either way a force for the enemy to be reckoned with.
The enemy has had his hand around her neck pushing her under the water and releasing her for just enough time for a quick glimpse and breath of the world he said she wasn't worthy of. Enough of a glimpse to want it enough time for her to need it in order for him to snatch it from her...to drown her again in a world his lies said was hers. The joy he must have felt when the little girl she was became engulfed and entangled in a web of evil, a story board of nightmares, the very opposite of the promises she was told when she was little in church about a loving God and His light in a dark world. The light was not something to be believed. When your world is so dark and you are drowning there isnt even a flicker to reach for. There is nothing. there is dark there is evil there is ever present pain. Physically, mentally, emotional and spiritually. There are no promises. Just survival. She couldn't even look forward to the odd breathe she could catch at the surface.You would need hope for that. She hadn't seen hope for a long time. He thinks he won. He sees victory. SO many years. SO much damage. He must have won........but no....our God says otherwise..
Isaiah 61 " he has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from the darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lords favor and the day of vengeance for our God, to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor"
My friend Sandi has been free for over 10 months now and living for Jesus. Free from addiction, free from the streets, free from the enemies plan for her life. She is no longer captive but released from the darkness and is now proclaiming the Lords favor in her life. Her life is a sign of Gods vengeance against the enemy. God has now comforted her as she mourns her old "self" and as she grieved her past life. She wears the biggest most beautiful crown and the ashes are blown into the wind. She is an outpouring of gladness and goodness and praise. She is a strong oak of righteousness and her life a display for the Lords splendor.
On Sundays my friend Sandi was taking the Alpha course with us at R.A.W for 15 weeks. One of the things she reminds me of from the course is that when we break one commandment we break them all-I am grateful for the reminder of that lesson she gives me. When Alpha was over God led her to a wonderful church around the corner from her to connect with as she travels on this wonderful journey with Him. THIS past Sunday she took her grandson to church with her so he could go to Sunday school...yes her grandson is being led to the Lord by his grandmother a wonderful woman of God......................I think we know who won.
My friend Sandi is the promise of scripture being lived out right in front of all of us. She would never count herself as a Christian woman to gain wisdom from or to be mentored by but I have learned so much from her in the last 10 months than I think I have in all the 10 years of christian community and bible study put together........or maybe its just that her raw relationship with God is so in-your-face beautiful I cant help but watch and be forever changed by it. There is no room for "filler" or "pretending" anything or any part of it -her relationship is long over due or perfectly timed either way a force for the enemy to be reckoned with.
The enemy has had his hand around her neck pushing her under the water and releasing her for just enough time for a quick glimpse and breath of the world he said she wasn't worthy of. Enough of a glimpse to want it enough time for her to need it in order for him to snatch it from her...to drown her again in a world his lies said was hers. The joy he must have felt when the little girl she was became engulfed and entangled in a web of evil, a story board of nightmares, the very opposite of the promises she was told when she was little in church about a loving God and His light in a dark world. The light was not something to be believed. When your world is so dark and you are drowning there isnt even a flicker to reach for. There is nothing. there is dark there is evil there is ever present pain. Physically, mentally, emotional and spiritually. There are no promises. Just survival. She couldn't even look forward to the odd breathe she could catch at the surface.You would need hope for that. She hadn't seen hope for a long time. He thinks he won. He sees victory. SO many years. SO much damage. He must have won........but no....our God says otherwise..
Isaiah 61 " he has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from the darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lords favor and the day of vengeance for our God, to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor"
My friend Sandi has been free for over 10 months now and living for Jesus. Free from addiction, free from the streets, free from the enemies plan for her life. She is no longer captive but released from the darkness and is now proclaiming the Lords favor in her life. Her life is a sign of Gods vengeance against the enemy. God has now comforted her as she mourns her old "self" and as she grieved her past life. She wears the biggest most beautiful crown and the ashes are blown into the wind. She is an outpouring of gladness and goodness and praise. She is a strong oak of righteousness and her life a display for the Lords splendor.
On Sundays my friend Sandi was taking the Alpha course with us at R.A.W for 15 weeks. One of the things she reminds me of from the course is that when we break one commandment we break them all-I am grateful for the reminder of that lesson she gives me. When Alpha was over God led her to a wonderful church around the corner from her to connect with as she travels on this wonderful journey with Him. THIS past Sunday she took her grandson to church with her so he could go to Sunday school...yes her grandson is being led to the Lord by his grandmother a wonderful woman of God......................I think we know who won.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Cover-alls
I had lunch with a great friend today. More than a friend she has been a mentor to me on this Jesus FREAK journey. She has an incredible way of helping me to see the bigger picture of what God is doing in my life and she usually does it by letting me talk my way to figuring it out ,eventually, for myself. As we sat down today at her house to share a meal she wanted to know about how my time went at a presentation this week for the mission at a big corporation. As always it unfolded into something bigger. Embarrassing, humbling and wonderful. Always a lesson.
I started off by telling her how nervous I was when I woke up that day. Tom was away and since I usually ask his opinion on what I should wear or how I look I spent a really long time changing outfits and looking in the mirror...too much time I am embarrassed to say. I wish I could say I spent as much time in conversation with God that morning but I absolutely did not. I justified my "worrying" about how I looked that day by thinking how "important" it was that I looked nice, was my presentation "professional enough" was I carrying myself in a professional manner to walk into this corporate workplace? I am representing the mission so I need to look like this and act like this and make sure I say this..........I, I, I, ME,ME,ME...worry worry worry, waste waste waste. I could have spent that time with God I SHOULD have spent that time with God. Instead I allowed my ego to step in and I made myself and my presentation to be bigger than God in my life. I spent more time fussing about the directions to the place and timing myself just right so as to make yet another proper "impression" making sure I had directions and instructions so i went in the right end of the building etc etc. Make sure i Had this day under control...ME ME ME. Despite MY best efforts the information I was given still wasn't enough to ensure my smooth, professional entrance into the massive facility. Parking wasn't available at the gate and despite my best effort to explain why i was there to the security they could care less about the information I had , who I was and why I was there. thank goodness I was directed to another gate that knew I was coming and let me in. By the time i parked and grabbed all my professional stuff for my presentation I had no extra time and was directed to wait again somewhere for my connection in the facility to meet me. They did and after a warm welcome advised me that the outfit I was wearing was nice but that they had coveralls, a hat and boots for me to wear as my presentation would be inside the plant so i had to cover up. Glad I spent all that time worrying about what I was going to wear and how they would respond to me in my fabulous outfit. God sorted my ego out pretty quick. IN a matter of seconds the hour I spent trying to look "appropriate" and "professional" was lost as He stripped me of my "adornments" and i now looked like everyone else in the building. The important time i took on my hair was now lost in the ponytail and hat. Oh what fool I can be.
I presented that morning to a group of hard-working people who love the idea of helping others out wherever the need may be. There was no speakers for my fabulous "professional" presentation, just some pictures and me dressed down humbly for God in a room full of hearts longing to do what God calls us to "love your neighbor" whether they claimed to know him or not. We all looked the same and I just spoke to a room full of people longing to help and was finally able to give the message God wanted me to give because God was able to be heard in what the mission does and the people it impacts everyday. God stripped me down of myself and how "important" I thought I was in presenting this message and taught me a lesson I will never forget. the response in the room after the presentation was incredible but God made His point very clear again in one mans response to me as he was leaving. "thanks for coming and sharing a bit of your story I am so glad you are now saved." God really does see the bigger picture every time.
Do we need to find people and business to support the mission-sure we do but the greatest story isnt how big we can make a budget or how much money we can bring in-its who is God saving for eternity and are people seeing a demonstration of His love to our neighbors. I may never be able to be ready for any corporate setting in a board room but I am always ready to tell the great story of who God is , the miracles he continues to perform each day and all of the glimpses of His kingdom here on earth. Thanks for stripping me down to make room for you Lord. Thanks for not giving up on me , thank-you for the wisdom of great friends and thanks for this never-ending life lesson journey to finding my FREAK.
I started off by telling her how nervous I was when I woke up that day. Tom was away and since I usually ask his opinion on what I should wear or how I look I spent a really long time changing outfits and looking in the mirror...too much time I am embarrassed to say. I wish I could say I spent as much time in conversation with God that morning but I absolutely did not. I justified my "worrying" about how I looked that day by thinking how "important" it was that I looked nice, was my presentation "professional enough" was I carrying myself in a professional manner to walk into this corporate workplace? I am representing the mission so I need to look like this and act like this and make sure I say this..........I, I, I, ME,ME,ME...worry worry worry, waste waste waste. I could have spent that time with God I SHOULD have spent that time with God. Instead I allowed my ego to step in and I made myself and my presentation to be bigger than God in my life. I spent more time fussing about the directions to the place and timing myself just right so as to make yet another proper "impression" making sure I had directions and instructions so i went in the right end of the building etc etc. Make sure i Had this day under control...ME ME ME. Despite MY best efforts the information I was given still wasn't enough to ensure my smooth, professional entrance into the massive facility. Parking wasn't available at the gate and despite my best effort to explain why i was there to the security they could care less about the information I had , who I was and why I was there. thank goodness I was directed to another gate that knew I was coming and let me in. By the time i parked and grabbed all my professional stuff for my presentation I had no extra time and was directed to wait again somewhere for my connection in the facility to meet me. They did and after a warm welcome advised me that the outfit I was wearing was nice but that they had coveralls, a hat and boots for me to wear as my presentation would be inside the plant so i had to cover up. Glad I spent all that time worrying about what I was going to wear and how they would respond to me in my fabulous outfit. God sorted my ego out pretty quick. IN a matter of seconds the hour I spent trying to look "appropriate" and "professional" was lost as He stripped me of my "adornments" and i now looked like everyone else in the building. The important time i took on my hair was now lost in the ponytail and hat. Oh what fool I can be.
I presented that morning to a group of hard-working people who love the idea of helping others out wherever the need may be. There was no speakers for my fabulous "professional" presentation, just some pictures and me dressed down humbly for God in a room full of hearts longing to do what God calls us to "love your neighbor" whether they claimed to know him or not. We all looked the same and I just spoke to a room full of people longing to help and was finally able to give the message God wanted me to give because God was able to be heard in what the mission does and the people it impacts everyday. God stripped me down of myself and how "important" I thought I was in presenting this message and taught me a lesson I will never forget. the response in the room after the presentation was incredible but God made His point very clear again in one mans response to me as he was leaving. "thanks for coming and sharing a bit of your story I am so glad you are now saved." God really does see the bigger picture every time.
Do we need to find people and business to support the mission-sure we do but the greatest story isnt how big we can make a budget or how much money we can bring in-its who is God saving for eternity and are people seeing a demonstration of His love to our neighbors. I may never be able to be ready for any corporate setting in a board room but I am always ready to tell the great story of who God is , the miracles he continues to perform each day and all of the glimpses of His kingdom here on earth. Thanks for stripping me down to make room for you Lord. Thanks for not giving up on me , thank-you for the wisdom of great friends and thanks for this never-ending life lesson journey to finding my FREAK.
Friday, May 17, 2013
You are a NEW creation in Jesus Christ
2 Corinthians 5:17
"Therefore is anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"
Today is my daughters birthday a time to celebrate the miracles of Gods creation and the bigger miracle of His eyes that see into things we never could. On this JESUS FREAK journey of mine I knew this day would come on May 17th that a battle for my mind and heart would rage between the lies of the enemy reminding me of the person I used to be and of Gods grace reminding me of who I no longer am in Him. The Holy spirit directed me to a binder in the basement buried under some paper work and a note tucked inside a folder that i wrote on July 11 2004 the day of my baptism called "My gift for my baptism" I want to share it with you because I think we all need to remember who we are in Him.
He made me someone new today
He made me someone new today
to Him it didn't matter
that my shoes were worn
my wallet broke
my clothes were all in tatters
He made me someone new today
didn't check my personal file
even though i know theres a lot of late nights
with alot of bad choices
a lot of unGodly miles
He made me someone new today
Didn't care what I had done
Didn't see my shoes, my wallet,my past, my clothes
these didn't matter to His son
He made me someone new today
His son took all my sins
discarding them without guilty feelings
to see the beauty that was within
He made me someone new today
GLORIOUS in His eyes
No questions asked
No sentence handed down
Just wants me to say goodbye.......
To that little girl inside my soul
who felt so lost and afraid
To say goodbye to her Forever
and Forever be remade.
Amen thank-you Jesus
Thank-you God for this little remembrance for me and for all of us who are new in your sons sacrifice. Thanks for your eyes that see so far ahead of us and into the heart of who you created us to be. Thank-you for the gift of my life and ALL it has brought me.
"Therefore is anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"
Today is my daughters birthday a time to celebrate the miracles of Gods creation and the bigger miracle of His eyes that see into things we never could. On this JESUS FREAK journey of mine I knew this day would come on May 17th that a battle for my mind and heart would rage between the lies of the enemy reminding me of the person I used to be and of Gods grace reminding me of who I no longer am in Him. The Holy spirit directed me to a binder in the basement buried under some paper work and a note tucked inside a folder that i wrote on July 11 2004 the day of my baptism called "My gift for my baptism" I want to share it with you because I think we all need to remember who we are in Him.
He made me someone new today
He made me someone new today
to Him it didn't matter
that my shoes were worn
my wallet broke
my clothes were all in tatters
He made me someone new today
didn't check my personal file
even though i know theres a lot of late nights
with alot of bad choices
a lot of unGodly miles
He made me someone new today
Didn't care what I had done
Didn't see my shoes, my wallet,my past, my clothes
these didn't matter to His son
He made me someone new today
His son took all my sins
discarding them without guilty feelings
to see the beauty that was within
He made me someone new today
GLORIOUS in His eyes
No questions asked
No sentence handed down
Just wants me to say goodbye.......
To that little girl inside my soul
who felt so lost and afraid
To say goodbye to her Forever
and Forever be remade.
Amen thank-you Jesus
Thank-you God for this little remembrance for me and for all of us who are new in your sons sacrifice. Thanks for your eyes that see so far ahead of us and into the heart of who you created us to be. Thank-you for the gift of my life and ALL it has brought me.
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