Cover-alls

I had lunch with a great friend today. More than a friend she has been a mentor to me on this Jesus FREAK journey. She has an incredible way of helping me to see the bigger picture of what God is doing in my life and she usually does it by letting me talk my way to figuring it out ,eventually, for myself. As we sat down today at her  house to share a meal she wanted to know about how my time went at a presentation this week for the mission at a big corporation. As always it unfolded into something bigger. Embarrassing, humbling and wonderful. Always a lesson.
           I started off by telling her how nervous I was when I woke up that day. Tom was away and since I usually ask his opinion on what I should wear or how I look I spent a really long time changing outfits and looking in the mirror...too much time I am embarrassed to say. I wish I could say I spent as much time in conversation with God that morning but I absolutely did not. I justified my "worrying" about how I looked that day by thinking how "important" it was that I looked nice, was my presentation "professional enough" was I carrying myself in a professional manner to walk into this corporate workplace? I am representing the mission so I need to look like this and act like this and make sure I say this..........I, I, I, ME,ME,ME...worry worry worry, waste waste waste. I could have spent that time with God I SHOULD have spent that time with God. Instead I allowed my ego to step in and I made myself and my presentation to be bigger than God in my life. I spent more time fussing about the directions to the place and timing myself just right so as to make yet another proper "impression" making sure I had directions and instructions so i went in the right end of the building etc etc. Make sure  i Had this day under control...ME ME ME. Despite MY best efforts the information I was given still wasn't enough to ensure my smooth, professional entrance into the massive facility. Parking wasn't available at  the gate and despite my best effort to explain why i was there to the security they could care less about the information I had , who I was and why I was there. thank goodness I was directed to another gate that knew I was coming and let me in. By the time i parked and grabbed all my professional stuff for my presentation I had no extra time and was directed to wait again somewhere for my connection in the facility to meet me. They did and after a warm welcome advised me that the outfit I was wearing was nice but that they had coveralls, a hat and boots for me to wear as my presentation would be inside the plant so i had to cover up. Glad I spent all that time worrying about what I was going to wear and how they would respond to me in my fabulous outfit. God sorted my ego out pretty quick. IN a matter of seconds the hour I spent trying to look "appropriate" and "professional" was lost as He stripped me of my "adornments" and i now looked like everyone else in the building. The important time i took on my hair was now lost in the ponytail and hat. Oh what  fool I can be.
                                               I presented that morning to a group of hard-working people who love the idea of helping others out wherever the need may be. There was no speakers for my fabulous "professional" presentation, just some pictures and me dressed down humbly for God in a room full of hearts longing to do what God calls us to "love your neighbor" whether they claimed to know him or not. We all looked the same and I just spoke to a room full of people longing to help and was finally able to give the message God wanted me to give  because God was able to be heard in what the mission does and the people it impacts everyday. God stripped me down of myself and how "important" I thought I was in presenting this message and taught me a lesson I will never forget. the response in the room after the presentation was incredible but God made His point very clear again in one mans response to me as he was leaving. "thanks for coming and sharing a bit of your story  I am so glad you are now saved." God really does see the bigger picture every time.
                                                         Do we need to find people and business to support the mission-sure we do but the greatest story isnt how big we can make a budget or how much money we can bring in-its who is God saving for eternity and are people seeing a demonstration of His love to our neighbors. I may never be able to be ready for any corporate setting in a board room but I am always ready to tell the great story of who God is , the miracles he continues to perform each day and all of the glimpses of His kingdom here on earth. Thanks for stripping me down to make room for you Lord. Thanks for not giving up on me , thank-you for the wisdom of great friends and thanks for this never-ending life lesson journey to finding my FREAK.
     

You are a NEW creation in Jesus Christ

2 Corinthians 5:17
"Therefore is anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

Today is my daughters birthday a time to celebrate the miracles of Gods creation and the bigger miracle of His eyes that see into things we never could. On this JESUS FREAK journey of mine I knew this day would come on May 17th that a battle for my mind and heart would rage between the lies of the enemy reminding me of the person I used to be and of Gods grace reminding me of who I no longer am in Him. The Holy spirit directed me to a binder in the basement buried under some paper work and a note tucked inside a folder that i wrote on July 11 2004 the day of my baptism called "My gift for my baptism" I want to share it with you because I think we all need to remember who we are in Him.

He made me someone new today

He made me someone new today
to Him it didn't matter
that my shoes were worn
my wallet broke
my clothes were all in tatters

He made me someone new today
didn't check my personal file
even though i know theres a lot of late nights
with alot of bad choices
a lot of unGodly miles

He made me someone new today
Didn't care what I had done
Didn't see my shoes, my wallet,my past, my clothes
these didn't matter to His son

He made me someone new today
His son took all my sins
discarding them without guilty feelings
to see the beauty that was within

He made me someone new today
GLORIOUS in His eyes
No questions asked
No sentence handed down
Just wants me to say goodbye.......

To that little girl inside my soul
who felt so lost and afraid
To say goodbye to her Forever
and Forever be remade.

Amen thank-you Jesus

Thank-you God for this little remembrance for me and for all of us who are new in your sons sacrifice. Thanks for your eyes that see so far ahead of us and into the heart of who you created us to be. Thank-you for the gift of my life and ALL it has brought me.

It was never really mine to begin with.

A little follow-up from my blog the other day about my dads roommate........

                                   Dads roommate didn't leave on the Friday as we had anticipated but instead left this morning to go back home so it was great to have even a couple of more days to connect with him. The day after writing the first blog about dads roommate I came into the hospital to find him being very quiet , which was pretty rare for him so i assumed he was sleeping. So I didn't disturb him I just sat beside dad and whispered to him about his night. He must have heard Dad and I anyway and yelled "HEY Helen is that you?" I said "yes good morning how are you today?" "alright I guess" he said. The nurse came in to do some blood work with dad so I asked him if I could come to his side of the room while the nurse cares for dad and he said sure. As i entered his side of the room I noticed he had been reading and it was the bible I had left for my dad in his room from the first day he was in hospital three weeks ago. I said " hey I see your enjoying that bible I left for my dad I am glad to see you are talking to God again. " He smiled and looked at me over his glasses and said " Well it was left on my table last night by the nurses so I am giving it a gander again. Is that okay? "Sure it is. You know I received that little bible the day I first gave my life to Jesus.." and he cut me off to say " I know I read the front with the date it was 10 years ago I see all that...... that's good." I smiled and went back to visit with dad. He was quiet for another half an hour, so rare a time for him to be quiet that I check a couple of times-just in case-to make sure he was ok. HE was he was simply talking to his Father again and it made me smile. It made me reflect on the times I was angry with my earthly Father and stopped talking to him only to be made more whole by reconnecting with him again and having him embrace me upon return, just like dads roommate and his heavenly Father.
                     Dads roommate decided to go out later for some "fresh air" and as he scooted by he stopped and said "you know he was approached 3 times by the devil ..I always thought it was once. I am going to ponder that and alot more. Glad to have met you." And out the door he went. I wanted to take the bible back off of his side of the room but just felt like it needed to stay there. Today when I was on my way to visit dad I confess that I had many thoughts going through my head like how dads night went , did he feel any better and if his roommate was there still-just in case he forgot to leave my bible. That bible was important to me because of when I received it on the first day of my rebirth and the day I chose to try again to live but trying it Gods way this time. I kept that bible for all this time and always brought it to places when I felt like there was extra intervention needed from the Holy Spirit like when my dad was first in hospital and on life support-that bible was like my weapon for God and even if all of that was in my head it meant alot to me. I got there too late. Dads roommate was gone and dad was now on his side by the window. I confess again that I looked around for the bible and it was gone and after the moment of frustration washed away I realized how that bible was used as such a great weapon for God against the enemy for dads roommate who told me he was an atheist and stopped believing a long time ago and left reading, pondering and taking that weapon home with him to reconnect with his heavenly father again. I know I say this alot but God is so much bigger than all of us and all of this world and I pray that he may continue to use me and my JESUS FREAK a simple vessel to connect others to Him. I brought that bible in for my dad in his fight for his physical and spiritual life but perhaps Gods plans for that bible were for dads roommate all along.
                         How many times do we lay claim to things -especially personal items like a bible and assume God will only use it for us? That bible was only mine for a season and  already God knew 10 years later I would meet a roommate when my dad was in crisis and use that bible to help save us all in that moment. Thanks for following on my crazy JESUS FREAK journey.

Dads Roommate

It has been an emotional last three weeks as many of you know my dad has been in the hospital battling for his life both physically and spiritually. The details do not matter except I will say that I know for sure any scars we see on the outside are far easier to recover from than the ones we carry on the inside of us all.  He was moved out of the ICU and into a regular ward a few days ago and after being excited about the move knowing he was only getting stronger we realized he would be sharing a room with someone and would no longer have a window of his own and privacy-boy we loose focus on the praises so quickly when our flesh creeps in. Anyway we hoped he would get a room mate who was at least quiet and didn't mind listening to Dads sometimes very powerful cough. As I walked down the hallway towards dads room I could here a man yelling for the nurse to come quickly to his room. He yelled over and over again and as I approached my fathers room I realized it was getting louder and louder because it was my dads roommate who was yelling. I dare not look on the other side of the curtain as I was already upset for my dad who has been having trouble sleeping and now this guy was screaming at  the top of his lungs. Oh and he had a bed that sounded like an air mattress blowing up every 15 minutes or so as well and instead of seeing what he needed I just began to fill with frustration for my dad. A nurse finally came and asked what he needed and the man said cigarettes. CIGARETTES!!!! My dad has been listening to you yell for goodness knows how long because you wanted a cigarette?!?!?!? Needless to say I wasn't getting any more patient about this situation and "Christian" badge of honor was beginning to fall off. Why would God put my dad through all of this and then add this guy to the mix? What is going on? Why cant my dad just get a break in here?
                   I left that evening frustrated and concerned for my dad and the next day got a nudge that perhaps I should find out about this man on the other side of the curtain. After introducing himself I found out his whole life story in one half hour he decided to share with me including the reason why he was in the hospital.I could tell by the way the nurses were engaging with him that he was quite a character and he revealed a little bit of that to us too. He said he felt sorry for my dad with that bad cough of his and hoped they could do something about it for him-he figured he must have pneumonia (diagnosed because of his history of being in the hospital many times just like dad) I now saw in a short time a weird sort of comradery they began to have even in the moments they seemed frustrated with each other-kind of like those two old guys on the muppets. As the days passed and I began to greet my dads neighbor each day I visited i began to enjoy his rantings about the people who wouldn't get him cigarettes and the nurses who didn't answer the bell. He asked what I did for a job and I told him about the mission. He asked how long I had been a missionary and I began to tell him a little bit about it. He said he used to believe in God but was now an atheist. I told him he wasn't an atheist  because I had heard him a few days earlier yelling our bible verses. He said God took his wife from him and that was why he was an atheist. I very boldly told him that he wasn't an atheist but that he was just mad at God and I have been mad at him too but the good thing is God still loved him and never gives up on him. He said maybe but for now he doesn't believe and I told him I was lucky to meet him. As I pulled the curtain back  I saw my parents giggling with each other at their bold child. Dad says you would always say anything to anyone. I said God puts us in places and spaces always for His purpose dad. Dads roommate wanted me to give him information about the mission so today I brought in our pamphlet. He quietly read the pages reading about what God was doing there and later told me that I should hand these out to everyone I meet because it looks like such a great place. He wants to know more about what we do and what we need and how can he help us out. I look forward to seeing my dads roommate now and have only a few days left as he moves out on Friday but I am grateful to God for sorting out my attitude of frustration  and making me see that its all about Him.
                              This JESUS FREAK journey has been especially interesting for me the last three weeks and although I am not sharing the details about my dads journey with you until he okays it I will simply say I have realized in a big way that the largest part of this journey for me has been forgetting about me and the things in this life that "frustrate" me and realizing that every situation, moment, minute, person or place is an opportunity to seek God in it. When I learn to do this in EVERYTHING on this journey I wont ever have to look for my FREAK again. Thanks for reading , praying for my dad and loving a man you may never get to meet.

Sunday morning at R.A.W- Why Easter Sunday has never been more messy or more wonderful.

Picked up the donuts (making sure George has a boston cream), check, got the grape juice and bread, check, got the blank cheques, check and the copy of "its Friday but Sundays comin'" video from Marion double check.

Arrive to two bags of garbage that the mice have been enjoying for their Easter weekend dinner, front window that had been egged and a great fear that we had run out of whitener but with a very quick and inappropriate prayer we found some.

Quickly set up the coffee, Hannah fills the water, open the door and let George in so he can turn the closed sign to open and inspect the doughnuts. Write on our sandwich board sign "He has Risen! Happy Easter!" and get George to place it out front so as he says "so people know what the hell your doin in here!"

Watch Sandy come from Marion's car across the street with a home made quiche in her hands so excited to share another one of her Sunday morning creations with us." Its too hot right now just took it out the oven but get me a knife and we can cut it so everyone can try" Marion is back from Africa so we try to quickly get an update but decide later would be better.

Murray rides by on his bike -we pray he parks - and he does and comes in .

Two friends we haven't seen in a while come with two neighborhood girls they mentor from their city kids route, excited to celebrate Easter.

Lorna is late I run around the corner to her apartment and knock on the door to her husband John half a sleep saying I let her know its church. They show up later together (his first time celebrating with her and all of us on a Sunday)

Jessica comes too-nice to see her I love connecting with her at bible study Wednesday mornings. Anne and our mascot Riley brought some deviled eggs to share.

We pray together sitting in our circle of friends and begin. Worship God through singing , scripture reading, communion, lots of broken conversations around the room about the bread and body and juice ( George saying he will never get drunk on this much), many heads peeking in from the street curious to see what we are doing and enjoying the coffee and quiche (Bobby bringing in one of the "girls" off the corner to eat for a moment before she heads back out) silence together in reflection interrupted by giggles and gas and God, sharing around the room about what Easter is for each of us or the impact of the cross. An idea Sandy wanted to implement from Alpha about filling in a blank cheque signed by God for all our sins paid in full an idea that got all of us involved together-even George carefully folded his and gently placed it into his t-shirt pocket as delicately as I have ever seen him touch something-it struck him in a way that he couldn't verbalize but I could clearly see forced him to see the sacredness of that blank cheque that had been paid for him.

more music, group prayer, going over first the list of answered prayers from the previous Sundays as we celebrated Gods answers and also continued prayer for His will and for new prayer for one another. 

I love the excitement of following our prayer list week after week and being able to reflect on the journey God has all of us on. I love that every week George prays for Sandy to continue to do well and to be well. I simply love the personal prayer time for each other, I soak in that I love it.

With everyone decided we were finished-there is no set time except for starting and I guess Easter is as good as any to go "longer" a few hours together, Marion shares her pictures of her Africa missions trip, answering many questions from our friends, Sandy finally getting to see our daughters wedding pictures, More music requests from those who still want to dance and worship so we play more while George goes on coffee clean up since all the food is gone. He complains under his breathe that if they don't come to church they shouldn't be able to eat and then looks up at me and says " I know Mrs.Graham (his affectionate name for me) God loves all of them" I smile because this was a messy, interrupted, loud, inappropriate at times, crazy , wonderful, blessed morning to celebrate Easter, The resurrection of our Saviour, with all of us who need to remember that its in the mess that the miracles come. Oh what a miracle morning that was. Praise you Lord. Thank-you R.A.W (Real people awesome God worship) you have restored my spirit.

recipe to finding your spirit

I was on a road trip recently to Holland..........Holland, Michigan. What started off as a weekend to reconnect with a friend turned in to reconnecting with my spirit. I drove Toms big truck there-scared me to death but I did it and it helped that I had the best navigator and friend in the world who not only told me what direction to go next but was a willing ear for a 5 in a half hour drive. I didn't know I needed to talk to someone but God always knows and being stuck together in a truck for that long lends to the perfect therapy "session". The drive was great in fact we made it in great time-mostly due to the wonderful drivers ahead of me who were speeding which allowed me to tag along. I couldn't wait to get there because I thought it would be great to not have any agenda and to talk some situations through on my faith journey. Our friend in Holland has a spirit that somehow understands mine and that is a great relief because not everyone does. When I met her four years ago I knew instantly that my journey with God wasn't a lonely one anymore because the craziness that I felt all that JESUS FREAK she understood without my trying to explain it. She is now the pastor of a wonderful church in Holland and when we listened to her preach that weekend you could just sense she was such at home there in front of all those people loving God the way she does and letting the Holy Spirit speak through her. I love that. I think about times like that and I always imagine God smiling the way a proud parent does.
         When we arrived at her house I exhaled in comfort and ease even before we stepped in. Her front porch was so inviting and her home screamed "welcome". I could tell you how beautiful the space was but it had nothing to do with any fancy furniture or decor but a warmth and calm and spirit of peace. SO many places to sit and be still. To dive into scripture or prayer. To talk and laugh. To play and stretch. To take of the earth and create and enjoy. Green tea with honey, cats who enjoyed my slippers as much as I did, long games of snakes and ladders, learning to make guacamole,meeting great people, helping to create other great meals that nourished in stead of filled up, listening to music being played by my navigator and friend who didn't know I could hear it, reading and thinking and walking and being. Oh did I need this weekend and oh do I want to bring Tom here too. I feel like this was one of those God-planned stops on this JESUS FREAK journey of mine that had all the ingredients needed to find my spirit there-the parts that had been muffled by work and t.v and the enemy and most of all myself. When we left on Monday I wasn't sad although I do miss her instead I felt like her home was so much of what I needed but never wanted me to love it more than where I came from just simply wanted to make me better for returning.  selfless place that nurtures your spirit but wants you to be free to continue your journey with God or in my case my JESUS FREAK journey. A space and a place and a spirit that wants you better not to keep you to itself but to equip you to be better for the sake of the KINGDOM. I was excited to reconnect with Tom and my family wanting to share this great experience. My navigator(and friend) and I left being better for the experiences there. I asked her what 3 things did she learn or experience on our weekend and it lent to a great discussion on our long ride home which included some great music and singing too. I learned 3 things too. A recipe for my spirit I would like to share with you:

1. Gods story never gets old. One night our friend opened her home to 6 more people that were strangers to me. She asked me to tell the story of the mission and God in my life and although fear told me to be careful how much you tell so you don't bore these people-my spirit reminded me how great a work He has done in me and where I have come from. I needed to hear it again. I needed to have a flood of emotion overcome me with the awesomeness of God and how there is nothing He cant do. My spirit needed to hear it and I needed to share it. It lit a flame in me.it reminded me that whatever overwhelms me I needed to give it to Him because He always knows whats best for me. I loved reminding the others in the room about His awesomeness too, sometimes we all forget.
2. Focusing on God will never be time lost. Spending the time reading, napping, praying being still for God was wonderful. I needed to see that it is not a waste of time or that time is not always to be filled DOING something. Sometimes just being in the stillness with Him is the when you hear Him the loudest and when all the things He was trying to say before can make it through now because there is no, t.v, meetings, e-mails,phone calls,laundry, cleaning, appointments,etc etc etc. I learned that I can do that here too and I should because I am better because of it.
3. learn to cook. I always tell people I cannot cook and that is partially true but more so I didn't ever take the time to really try and I was afraid of failing when i did . When we took the good things of the earth created by God and chopped, grated, stirred, laughed, HELPED,prayed, created, took chances and from all of that nourished our bodies with goodness and not gluttony (something I struggled with) my spirit was alive with hope and community and faith. Try something new with Gods creations on the earth and if you already do that invite someone to create with you its an incredible experience.

Have you lost a little bit of your spirit? GO and find it. Tell Gods story in your life to someone so you can hear it out loud, take some time to be still with Him and go create with all the goodness He has given us and ask someone to join you. I woke up today and bought some ingredients to make soup and to make dinner for tonight. The soup was delicious and I shared it with Hannah and I cant wait to make dinner later with her and ignite my spirit again. Thank you my friends for this weekend and thank you to all the friends I got to meet and thank-you for my husband Tom for  giving me to space to go but most of all thanks be to God for all He has for us in this world, A world that has all the ingredients to help us create goodness and love and community and grace and to get our JESUS FREAK on!

Stepping out of the boat and into the FREAK

When we arrived at the mission on Sunday i found myself feeling much the same as I did that March day in 2005 when we first opened the HHSM storefront . Excited for the opportunity to serve God despite the fact that we had no idea what we were doing. It was amazing! No clue what was about to happen and yet totally open to whatever God wanted. Sunday was like that. Something that had been stirring in our hearts for sometime now was now about to happen and again we had no clue what the plan was only that we were willing to step out even at the risk of being wrong,
      "aren't you doing church already? Haven't you been doing church for the last 10 years? So what are you waiting for?" Oh what a relief it was to hear that from someone else out loud the voice I have been hearing for some time in my heart. So we decided that Sunday was going to be it-we were going to have church down at the mission with our friends if they will come. If they didn't  We would still do it-remember willing to be wrong, crazy, rebellious all of that but simply willing. I have to admit we had avoided it fo r so long for many reasons; we aren't pastors, what would our church community say, would we risk looking like anti-traditional church people , would people understand. Notice that all of these questions and concerns had everything to do with the "world" and nothing to do with God. How did we get here? As a part of my Jesus FREAK journey I was worried this very thing would happen, my hesitation to God out of fear for what people would say. When 10 years ago we(my Jesus friend and I) first stepped out to meet people on the street to hand out clothes and talk about Jesus MANY people though we were crazy-including Tom but I went anyway. When Tom joined the team and I felt God sending us to have a storefront in the Barton st community and we signed a lease with no money to back it up people said we were irresponsible, crazy and selfish but we did it anyway. When I tried to manage a full time job and be at the mission too and had to make a decision between the two because there want enough time for both and I choose the mission with no pay no pension no benefits \MANY people thought I was crazy, irresponsible,selfish, rebellious but I did it anyway. Crazy, FREAKY Jesus FREAKY.
                     Through each of those decisions I focused on one thing only-Gods voice. I am glad I didn't take the advice of anyone else because as crazy and difficult as this journey has been and continues to be I am exactly where He needs me to be and my life has never been more blessed. We never had a business/mission or church plan just a crazy notion that God would never leave us even if we were wrong,He would pick us back up and give us the grace to continue.
            Starting church at the mission was no different. No plan, but we did print out some words to a few worship songs we liked and asked our friend John to come and talk to our friends about God. We made coffee and brought donuts and sat together with 5 of our friends in a circle with 2 more stopping to listen grab a coffee and flee and listened together from God word. Question's were asked in the comfort of friends and requests were made and advice was given. Church. Simple and wonderful. Why had it taken so long? Perhaps it had to. Perhaps God was waiting for us to grow a little more or perhaps our fear prolonged it. Whatever the reason it is here now-church on Sunday at the mission,Simple and wonderful. Not sure whats going to happen next Sunday but we do know we will be there to make coffee and listen to the Word and be with our friends. This I think was the FREAK I had been searching for.The funny thing was it was right here all along-God was just waiting for me to trust Him again like all those other times before.
Thanks for following on this crazy messy journey with me.