At work today I was visited by two woman that I haven't seen in about 2 years. I was happy to see they were both well-despite the fact that one suffered a heart attack a year ago and the other has suffered the loss of a few family members and friends since I saw her last. In fact they both looked better than the last time i saw them and i was grateful for that-its always nice when it seems like people are on the right track-at least for today. I asked them about a friend they had brought with them the last time they were at the mission 2 years ago and they both looked down at the floor. "You didn't know she died?" they said. " she passed away a year ago in January alone in her apartment but we don't think she did it on purpose but she was sick and sad. Her family didn't want anything to do with her, even her kids. She really was a great person with a big heart but sometimes we get swallowed up in our mess we drown." I took a breath and said " Did she ever tell you how we knew each other?" I asked. "Yes she did Helen but we don't care about that we don't judge anyone, we saw you in the paper last year when it told your story about who you were and how this got started and we are really proud of you and she was too. She didn't read it but she was happy about you helping other people"
I took another breath and stepped into the basement to look for a coat for one of the women and paused in reflection of two young moms in a teen mom program who were trying to make it through to get their high school diploma while someone watched their kids for free. Two young moms who socialized with all the wrong people and who placed their children in situations that were not safe for anyone. Two young moms who believed in better things for other people but who gave up on themselves before anyone else could say they did. Two young moms who didn't know anything about love or the cost of trying to figure it out so young. Whose kids were moved from apartment to apartment because the rent wasn't paid or too much trouble was caused or just the hope that the new place would bring something better.Moms who didn't think twice about partying, drinking or drugs and would have been perfect case files for children s aid. I thought alot about these moms and where their life led them from a similar starting point to a very different end. I thought alot about her and I today. About why she is dead before she turns 40 and I am writing this blog reflecting on my journey with Jesus on my way to turning 40.
When I saw her 2 years ago after 18 years I didn't recognize her until she told me her name and I then recognized her eyes. Her eyes behind a face that told of years of pain and anger. Years that were spent in jail ,fighting to see her kids and fighting to find herself. Years that I very well could have spent instead of her or beside her. I was never in jail but not because I never broke the law. I never had to fight for my kids but not because I never did anything worthy of them being taken, because I certain did. and here I am fighting to find myself on this journey with Jesus but the only difference was being able to fall into Him. The crossroads of my life on Aug 29 2003 was the moment I met Him and my life that was headed in the very direction she was in. In that moment of the cross stabbing me in the heart was the only thing that separated her and I in our journey that lay ahead. God showed me a reflection of myself that day she came into the mission 2 years ago- I didn't see a messed up old friend but I saw me a reflection of where I was also headed, where he rescued me from.
You know what I never told her about Jesus when I saw her that last time in the mission and I regret that now. What if that was her moment to know about Jesus and it was my job to tell her. I have been thinking about this all day since I heard of her passing and I cant shake it. I cant do anything about it now but it has really forced me to think about all the people in my life who I don't share the news of Jesus with. I have been praying that someone else stepped into her life and told her about Him and her salvation in Him and I pray she is being comforted by Him now. Our lives were so parallel for a long time- how do I have the right to live a good life with children who love me enough to still speak to me and have me apart of their lives, free from the system of social welfare, living in house with windows(we both lived in an apartment with no windows once) and working at a place that I love? I have asked God why but I know I wont get an answer. I reflect on this JESUS FREAK journey I am on and realize that in the midst of all of this stuff about me, my responsibility is also to others and I don't want to ever let that moment pass again when \i step out and say I am here because of Jesus and ask if they know him too. I was reminded at church this weekend that I need to see everyone in the image of God. I guess that's like the reflection we are supposed to see in others-where we see ourselves in their faces because there but by the grace of God go I.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
confessions of a spiritual adulteress.........
confession......
I started writing this blog 2 weeks ago and then had to stop and erase and start again I wasn't going to come back to writing it for a while but was stopped after church yesterday by a very stylish but more importantly wonderful woman who encouraged me in my blogging and in fact loved how raw it was-so its her fault \i am back and there was something I was really pissed off about..or at least I was two weeks ago. amazing how time does something to the way we see something. Well time does that but so does God he patiently waits for us to see how He has done something magical in a moment of our life that seems so wrong and God STOMPS on the head of the enemy and shows His awesome power. I don't usually wait for the time it takes to see things differently. This time I am glad I did.
Tom and I have been on a roller coaster of spiritual battleground for the last 6 weeks and sometimes we couldn't even see straight. There is not enough space on this computer to even tell you everything but lets just simplify it this way: MAJOR spiritual battles at mission, looking for advice and finding two very different opinions on what we were going through. Advice #1 we are missionaries in an inner city mission and we will be coming across lots of this so pray pray pray and be aware of bondage that you may be holding on to from the past and pray pray pray. Advice #2 you are having all these attacks because your wife Helen is having a spiritual affair with Jesus and has been out of Gods Will. She should have never opened her families door to Jesus when she asked him in to her heart but stayed quiet until her husband led the family in the relationship with God in their home. The attacks will stop when she stops speaking at churches and conferences and gives up leadership at HHSM and also starts worshiping Jesus through her husband. I will give you time to take all that in..................
I know its alot to take in. Could you imagine how hard it was for me to hear that. When Tom came home with that news lets just say I didn't take it very well. God wasn't really pleased with me. This advice messed with my husband and I for a while as he wrestled with the fact that this person backed it up with scripture and at a very vulnerable time for my husband he was open to being messed with. Let me just qualify this with Tom DOES NOT believe this advice he was only thrown off course for a while. I was pissed for lots of reasons that my previous blog was going to go on and on about but I realized after church on Sunday when our pastor talked about the detours God takes you on I tried to look at this situation differently . Tom and I have been going through more scripture together than we ever have before and really taking the time to study it together-score one for God. The enemy does what ever he can and uses whomever he can to derail you but God takes that derailment and makes it a detour to the original destination HE was sending you on. We have also learned alot about spiritual warfare something people don t talk alot about here but that some of our friends from Africa and Europe are more open to discussing it and we have really benefited from those conversations so much so I want to tell you something incredible that happened that the enemy didn't see coming but God just blew him out of the water with.....
In the middle of these 6 weeks of crazy at our home my mum came for tea, that's not new she has come for tea before but this time was different. My mum and I get along but I think she would agree that most of the time we have had more surface conversations and nothing too deep. I have always felt like there has been an invisible barrier between us-nothing hard or harsh but like a strange fog almost that has kept us from connecting deeper. There could be many reasons for this but for my mum and I it has alot to do with alot of guilt and other garbage that we both carried around with and for each other. there was no doubt we loved each other but it wasn't something easily said by my mum because I know I did not create the space for her to freely say it to me-not her fault. Mine. We sometimes think someone isn't giving us what we need when all along we never gave them environment to even enter in and give it. This tea date turned in to a discussion with my mum about what I had been going through with the spiritual warfare (that's insane)-God opened the door with a situation my mum was telling me about and it was as if God said "share it with her" so I did, I thought she was going to just say "wow that's crazy" but she was taken in by what I was telling her( I kept out the stuff about advice #2 because my mum would have gone through the roof-she would be so ticked in an awesome loving way) I talked about what we learned about spiritual bondage and the things we can carry from generation to generation and I spoke to her about the baggage we could both be carrying. I asked my mum if I could pray for her-YES I DID- it was scary but I did it and I held my mum and prayed for forgiveness and release of guilt and shame and anger and prayed that God would free us both to live in the peace and freedom He planned for us to have-it was incredible and moving and crazy and so GOD! My mum and I hugged after tighter than I have ever remembered and she told me how much she loved me and I to her. I felt like years of baggage fell off and disappeared, i realized in that moment that all the crap the enemy wanted to use for evil God was now turning it around for His goodness and then i had this image of God stepping on the enemies head and squishing it like a watermelon. You see the enemy has tried everything my whole life to stop Gods plan for me, for my mum for our family but WE have the power when we take the detours that God brings us to to go back on track to fulfilling the plans God has for us all along.
I was pissed up to a few days ago and I didnt know how to tell this major part of my journey and I was trying to be careful about how to say it but thanks to the encouraging whispers of a very stylish and wonderful friend at church I just wrote it, raw and real and her encouragement mixed with a message about detour helped make me see a little clearer what was really going on . Listen to the encouraging whispers and our amazing powerful God and know that all the other stuff is just noise. Focus on His plan for your life and when the enemy tries to derail you soak in the word and get closer to those around you. God has already won-remember that. P.S I have no plans for keeping quiet, quitting the mission or stopping my relationship with Jesus in fact I feel like we are getting FREAKIER all the time. ;) Love you Lord love you Tom love you Mum.
I started writing this blog 2 weeks ago and then had to stop and erase and start again I wasn't going to come back to writing it for a while but was stopped after church yesterday by a very stylish but more importantly wonderful woman who encouraged me in my blogging and in fact loved how raw it was-so its her fault \i am back and there was something I was really pissed off about..or at least I was two weeks ago. amazing how time does something to the way we see something. Well time does that but so does God he patiently waits for us to see how He has done something magical in a moment of our life that seems so wrong and God STOMPS on the head of the enemy and shows His awesome power. I don't usually wait for the time it takes to see things differently. This time I am glad I did.
Tom and I have been on a roller coaster of spiritual battleground for the last 6 weeks and sometimes we couldn't even see straight. There is not enough space on this computer to even tell you everything but lets just simplify it this way: MAJOR spiritual battles at mission, looking for advice and finding two very different opinions on what we were going through. Advice #1 we are missionaries in an inner city mission and we will be coming across lots of this so pray pray pray and be aware of bondage that you may be holding on to from the past and pray pray pray. Advice #2 you are having all these attacks because your wife Helen is having a spiritual affair with Jesus and has been out of Gods Will. She should have never opened her families door to Jesus when she asked him in to her heart but stayed quiet until her husband led the family in the relationship with God in their home. The attacks will stop when she stops speaking at churches and conferences and gives up leadership at HHSM and also starts worshiping Jesus through her husband. I will give you time to take all that in..................
I know its alot to take in. Could you imagine how hard it was for me to hear that. When Tom came home with that news lets just say I didn't take it very well. God wasn't really pleased with me. This advice messed with my husband and I for a while as he wrestled with the fact that this person backed it up with scripture and at a very vulnerable time for my husband he was open to being messed with. Let me just qualify this with Tom DOES NOT believe this advice he was only thrown off course for a while. I was pissed for lots of reasons that my previous blog was going to go on and on about but I realized after church on Sunday when our pastor talked about the detours God takes you on I tried to look at this situation differently . Tom and I have been going through more scripture together than we ever have before and really taking the time to study it together-score one for God. The enemy does what ever he can and uses whomever he can to derail you but God takes that derailment and makes it a detour to the original destination HE was sending you on. We have also learned alot about spiritual warfare something people don t talk alot about here but that some of our friends from Africa and Europe are more open to discussing it and we have really benefited from those conversations so much so I want to tell you something incredible that happened that the enemy didn't see coming but God just blew him out of the water with.....
In the middle of these 6 weeks of crazy at our home my mum came for tea, that's not new she has come for tea before but this time was different. My mum and I get along but I think she would agree that most of the time we have had more surface conversations and nothing too deep. I have always felt like there has been an invisible barrier between us-nothing hard or harsh but like a strange fog almost that has kept us from connecting deeper. There could be many reasons for this but for my mum and I it has alot to do with alot of guilt and other garbage that we both carried around with and for each other. there was no doubt we loved each other but it wasn't something easily said by my mum because I know I did not create the space for her to freely say it to me-not her fault. Mine. We sometimes think someone isn't giving us what we need when all along we never gave them environment to even enter in and give it. This tea date turned in to a discussion with my mum about what I had been going through with the spiritual warfare (that's insane)-God opened the door with a situation my mum was telling me about and it was as if God said "share it with her" so I did, I thought she was going to just say "wow that's crazy" but she was taken in by what I was telling her( I kept out the stuff about advice #2 because my mum would have gone through the roof-she would be so ticked in an awesome loving way) I talked about what we learned about spiritual bondage and the things we can carry from generation to generation and I spoke to her about the baggage we could both be carrying. I asked my mum if I could pray for her-YES I DID- it was scary but I did it and I held my mum and prayed for forgiveness and release of guilt and shame and anger and prayed that God would free us both to live in the peace and freedom He planned for us to have-it was incredible and moving and crazy and so GOD! My mum and I hugged after tighter than I have ever remembered and she told me how much she loved me and I to her. I felt like years of baggage fell off and disappeared, i realized in that moment that all the crap the enemy wanted to use for evil God was now turning it around for His goodness and then i had this image of God stepping on the enemies head and squishing it like a watermelon. You see the enemy has tried everything my whole life to stop Gods plan for me, for my mum for our family but WE have the power when we take the detours that God brings us to to go back on track to fulfilling the plans God has for us all along.
I was pissed up to a few days ago and I didnt know how to tell this major part of my journey and I was trying to be careful about how to say it but thanks to the encouraging whispers of a very stylish and wonderful friend at church I just wrote it, raw and real and her encouragement mixed with a message about detour helped make me see a little clearer what was really going on . Listen to the encouraging whispers and our amazing powerful God and know that all the other stuff is just noise. Focus on His plan for your life and when the enemy tries to derail you soak in the word and get closer to those around you. God has already won-remember that. P.S I have no plans for keeping quiet, quitting the mission or stopping my relationship with Jesus in fact I feel like we are getting FREAKIER all the time. ;) Love you Lord love you Tom love you Mum.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Pond Scum
I have had many experiences in my life with collections agencies calling my house looking for payments-they have never been good. It wasn't always because I had some nasty person in the other end of the line sometimes that person was me besides the reality is that i wouldn't have been receiving those calls if I had paid my bills. I have heard a popular Christian Financial leader call the people who work for collection agencies "pond scum" and I have dealt with some over the top people that perhaps that title may be true but I was recently humbled by God in a way that made me grow so much the pain felt like those terrible leg cramps I got when I was a young girl.
Tom and I have been living in our house for 15 years and it is only by the grace of God that we still have it. We have been through many different jobs and with our decision for me to leave my job completely over 4 years ago to be at HHSM our finances have never been described as "stable". Last year we realized it was time to get windows since the draft coming in through them was crazy and our heating bills seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. The truth is we needed windows but the bigger truth was we didn't have the money to put new ones in -but we did. We made the decision to finance the windows in the hopes that our heat bills would go down and we could make the difference up to make the window payment. We did need the windows, and they have been great and we do in fact save money on our utilities but the reality still is that payment every month is a killer. We signed up for direct withdrawal which worked out the first few times but with Toms on again off again work it didn't always and we ended up paying an additional $50 in bank fees for the money not being there. So the phone calls would come.Sometimes the people did sound pretty nasty but the bigger reality is that Tom and I were just as bad-you see pride is more painful than any other emotion. Throughout this process we remortgaged the house and were able to put a chunk of money on those windows and thought we would be good for a few months but were informed that the money we put on it would only be used at the end of our contract and there in case we couldn't make a payment, we were really ticked. I am sure those "pond scum" never guessed they were talking to "Christians " on the other end of the line.
About six months ago the phone rang and a new person from our financial collections called. Her name was Maria. She began the conversation by telling me she was new and then began to let me know our payment didnt go through AGAIN. She began to lecture me on the importance of making the payments and although everything she told me was true \i simply said "Please do not lecture me I don't need a lecture from you" After a back and forth heated discussion I finally stopped her and said " look. This payment is probably going to keep bouncing, we never know when money is coming with my husbands work and \i am tired of paying all these fees. Can I please just drive you a cash payment every month- she got permission for me to do this-not company policy-and I drove my first payment down, a 20 minute drive but less cost than those bank fees every month. Our first meeting was better than expected. She saw that my job said I worked at HHSM which made me so embarrassed because of the way \i had treated her on the phone, certainly not with the LOVE AND RESPECT that my card said.She asked for information so I gave her my card. I left our payment and I felt a sense of relief that \i knew the phone wouldn't be ringing from them this month. Next time I went she asked about our large payment and wondered why it wasn't put towards the principle? She said that was ridiculous so she placed that on our principle payment so now we are a little closer. I thanked her for that, she said no problem, and the "pond scum" persona began to fade. Each month that I visit her with our cash payment we talk a little more and come to find out we are both pretty nice people in spite of what I am sure we both assumed months ago on the end of the telephone.
Last week as I was driving up to give Maria my payment \i was stopped at the train tracks which seemed like forever. As i sat there I felt God say to me ,PRAY FOR HER. I looked around at the other cars around me but there was only men inside them so I figured I was just going crazy. I heard it again and again and finally said out loud "you don't mean \maria the collections lady right?!" yes as I talked to God in my car the men beside me looked with concern because my conversations grew to moments of trying to convince God he was wrong that I didn't need to pray for Maria. It would not go away and with God asking me over and over to pray for her i heard him say, pray for her burdens that she carries. The barriers went up and we were free to drive again but I couldn't shake this from my heart but parked at the office and said one more time God I do not know this lady enough to tell her \i want to pray for her please Lord what if she throws me out of the office and tells me \i cannot come with my cash payment anymore? Just do it He said. SO with the boldness that only God can give I stepped into the elevator praying Maria was on a break. She wasnt. I waited in the waiting area for her to come and gave her the money. We exchanged pleasant conversation and she shook my hand while giving me the receipt for my payment and \i said " Pleased do not think I am crazy but God just asked me to pray for you. He said you have some pretty big burdens right now and I wondered if I could pray for you?" She looked at me like I was crazy and stepped back from me. I thought for sure I was about to be escorted from the building. She said " Are you one of those psychics you know people who do readings?" I said "Oh no no no that's not who I am NO! I just wanted to pray for you because God asked me to " She sat down in one of the chairs and took a deep breath and for 20 minutes told me all about her parents who were now in a nursing home and that her mother is in early stages of dementia and that she feels guilty about putting them there and she went on and on....
Her burdens were heavy and God knew that. I told her that God understands and he wants to give her rest. She hugged me and thanked me for listening. I felt another more serious nudged from God when told me to apologize for MY behavior on the phone. OUCH. I said sorry to her and prayed that God would soften the lips and tongues of the people that she would have to call today, she started to tear up. We hugged again. I stepped in to the elevator and looked in the mirror and smiled. I wasn't proud of myself I was smiling at God. Our God who always know what we need and how to teach us lessons in a way we will never forget. I am looking forward to next month when that payment is due now because I will be able to go see Maria and find out how she is doing and if there are any other things she would like prayer for. God reveals the humanity in His people when people like me forget their humanity and only see "pond scum"
Thank-you for following my Journey. Go be BOLD God will be with you.
Tom and I have been living in our house for 15 years and it is only by the grace of God that we still have it. We have been through many different jobs and with our decision for me to leave my job completely over 4 years ago to be at HHSM our finances have never been described as "stable". Last year we realized it was time to get windows since the draft coming in through them was crazy and our heating bills seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. The truth is we needed windows but the bigger truth was we didn't have the money to put new ones in -but we did. We made the decision to finance the windows in the hopes that our heat bills would go down and we could make the difference up to make the window payment. We did need the windows, and they have been great and we do in fact save money on our utilities but the reality still is that payment every month is a killer. We signed up for direct withdrawal which worked out the first few times but with Toms on again off again work it didn't always and we ended up paying an additional $50 in bank fees for the money not being there. So the phone calls would come.Sometimes the people did sound pretty nasty but the bigger reality is that Tom and I were just as bad-you see pride is more painful than any other emotion. Throughout this process we remortgaged the house and were able to put a chunk of money on those windows and thought we would be good for a few months but were informed that the money we put on it would only be used at the end of our contract and there in case we couldn't make a payment, we were really ticked. I am sure those "pond scum" never guessed they were talking to "Christians " on the other end of the line.
About six months ago the phone rang and a new person from our financial collections called. Her name was Maria. She began the conversation by telling me she was new and then began to let me know our payment didnt go through AGAIN. She began to lecture me on the importance of making the payments and although everything she told me was true \i simply said "Please do not lecture me I don't need a lecture from you" After a back and forth heated discussion I finally stopped her and said " look. This payment is probably going to keep bouncing, we never know when money is coming with my husbands work and \i am tired of paying all these fees. Can I please just drive you a cash payment every month- she got permission for me to do this-not company policy-and I drove my first payment down, a 20 minute drive but less cost than those bank fees every month. Our first meeting was better than expected. She saw that my job said I worked at HHSM which made me so embarrassed because of the way \i had treated her on the phone, certainly not with the LOVE AND RESPECT that my card said.She asked for information so I gave her my card. I left our payment and I felt a sense of relief that \i knew the phone wouldn't be ringing from them this month. Next time I went she asked about our large payment and wondered why it wasn't put towards the principle? She said that was ridiculous so she placed that on our principle payment so now we are a little closer. I thanked her for that, she said no problem, and the "pond scum" persona began to fade. Each month that I visit her with our cash payment we talk a little more and come to find out we are both pretty nice people in spite of what I am sure we both assumed months ago on the end of the telephone.
Last week as I was driving up to give Maria my payment \i was stopped at the train tracks which seemed like forever. As i sat there I felt God say to me ,PRAY FOR HER. I looked around at the other cars around me but there was only men inside them so I figured I was just going crazy. I heard it again and again and finally said out loud "you don't mean \maria the collections lady right?!" yes as I talked to God in my car the men beside me looked with concern because my conversations grew to moments of trying to convince God he was wrong that I didn't need to pray for Maria. It would not go away and with God asking me over and over to pray for her i heard him say, pray for her burdens that she carries. The barriers went up and we were free to drive again but I couldn't shake this from my heart but parked at the office and said one more time God I do not know this lady enough to tell her \i want to pray for her please Lord what if she throws me out of the office and tells me \i cannot come with my cash payment anymore? Just do it He said. SO with the boldness that only God can give I stepped into the elevator praying Maria was on a break. She wasnt. I waited in the waiting area for her to come and gave her the money. We exchanged pleasant conversation and she shook my hand while giving me the receipt for my payment and \i said " Pleased do not think I am crazy but God just asked me to pray for you. He said you have some pretty big burdens right now and I wondered if I could pray for you?" She looked at me like I was crazy and stepped back from me. I thought for sure I was about to be escorted from the building. She said " Are you one of those psychics you know people who do readings?" I said "Oh no no no that's not who I am NO! I just wanted to pray for you because God asked me to " She sat down in one of the chairs and took a deep breath and for 20 minutes told me all about her parents who were now in a nursing home and that her mother is in early stages of dementia and that she feels guilty about putting them there and she went on and on....
Her burdens were heavy and God knew that. I told her that God understands and he wants to give her rest. She hugged me and thanked me for listening. I felt another more serious nudged from God when told me to apologize for MY behavior on the phone. OUCH. I said sorry to her and prayed that God would soften the lips and tongues of the people that she would have to call today, she started to tear up. We hugged again. I stepped in to the elevator and looked in the mirror and smiled. I wasn't proud of myself I was smiling at God. Our God who always know what we need and how to teach us lessons in a way we will never forget. I am looking forward to next month when that payment is due now because I will be able to go see Maria and find out how she is doing and if there are any other things she would like prayer for. God reveals the humanity in His people when people like me forget their humanity and only see "pond scum"
Thank-you for following my Journey. Go be BOLD God will be with you.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Love rescues me everytime
He has rescued me from many things in my life, that incredible God of ours, but its usually me that I need rescuing from. My thoughts my desires my assumptions and mostly my control. Its not always as exciting as one of those amazing rescues you see on the news-I have yet to be rescued from a burning building- but it is no less serious in fact some of the subtleties that He rescues me from are the shifts I needed to make the next big move. Ultimately a move that removes more of me to be filled by Him.
A couple of Sundays ago though I did need a serious rescue from God in a not so subtle way. I had been asked to come back to visit some family at a church this particular Sunday morning with the intention to update them on HHSM. Although I am by nature a disorganized person this time I had e-mailed a few days a head to keep myself on track because I have been blessed with more and more speaking engagements I have learned to go over details so I don't go to a seniors group and talk about how youth can be involved with change or show up at a church to talk about the sex trade only to realize that this particular church may have a hard time with the word sex-let alone talking about it as an occupation. Anyway i say all of that to tell you its not good to mix up your speaking engagement details. But this time I still managed to. I had done very little-okay NO prep-for this "talk" because I really did believe I was simply updating this church with mission details about needs,programs etc. Well when Tom and I arrived we were in for a big surprise.....
As we walk into the church they start to mic me up you know Brittney Spears style and I say as always " no need to mic me I am probably loud enough" my attempt at humor or perhaps a subtle jab to my spirit, I tend to do that right before in a strange way to tear myself down just a little, I really need to stop that. Anyway I glance over at their bulletin for the service and I notice it has plastered on the front "GUEST SPEAKER HELEN NORRIS" I look very carefully to find some clue to what the pastor may be preaching about but I cant. I suddenly realize that I may have misunderstood my reason for being there that morning. I politely ask how much time I have to update the congregation and the person miking me giggles and says you have 35 minutes or however much time you need to deliver your message. MESSAGE ?? Oh my goodness I am doomed! I've got nothing- not even a scribbled piece of another message in my car that I can somehow try to rekindle -after I try to figure out what the message was under the coffee stain and foot print marks (yeah my car isn't the most organized either) but I didn't even have that. Tom says to me "what are you going to do?" "Go to the van and get my bible" I said.
The worship music had started and I prayed like I have never prayed before" God you know I have nothing prepared for this, I have no back up nothing,please rescue me Lord you are all I have." The music ended and i was called to the front to preach to a congregation the word of God and I had nothing. Until God spoke to me. He said "use my words" I wish I could tell you that I saw that as some divine revelation but I was really thinking" is that it? I got 35 minutes remember?!" but of course He was right-isn't HE always. I opened up my bible to the page that is almost worn out and read Isaiah 61 with the first marking I ever wrote in a bible that stated in ink"Gods call on my life", that was the gate that God needed to speak that day about His call on not just my life but all of us and how He so beautifully weaved the stories from the mission through that was incredible. It was one of those moments where I was speaking and as I was listening to what God was revealing through me I was blown away by His message. I knew it was God because I was so removed from it that I was able to be a receiver of His word at the same time as the congregation. Something would come out of my mouth and I would be thinking "wow that's amazing!" Totally God and the freedom I felt from allowing Gods spirit to fill me so full that there was no room for me in those 40 minutes was so incredible.
As I am witness again to God amazing grace to me and the filling of His spirit He asks Tom to step forward and share about men's group at the mission and the powerful God moments happening there as well. And there we stood. Tom and I in this moment taken over by God and the spirit taking over us both speaking to a church about Gods power and glory and grace and beauty. It felt like I was finally realizing a new step in His plan for us. A plan to work together in a grace-filled way to speak with God to not just this church but I believe to the nation. As we prayed together with our arms around each other that Sunday morning I felt a jump in my spirit-something FREAKY YEA JESUS FREAKY. This journey wasn't ever supposed to be solo but in partnership with Tom. To realize the power of God in not just my testimony or Toms but in the testimony of our lives together. God rescued me that Sunday morning from many things but mostly myself. To let go of ownership of HHSM and its story and to allow God to work His awesome plan out the way He intended to . Not just through me but my wonderful husband too.
Finding my JESUS FREAK hasn't been easy so far. But it has been so amazing up to now that I cant wait to see where God is leading us next.
Thank-you for following me on His incredible journey.
A couple of Sundays ago though I did need a serious rescue from God in a not so subtle way. I had been asked to come back to visit some family at a church this particular Sunday morning with the intention to update them on HHSM. Although I am by nature a disorganized person this time I had e-mailed a few days a head to keep myself on track because I have been blessed with more and more speaking engagements I have learned to go over details so I don't go to a seniors group and talk about how youth can be involved with change or show up at a church to talk about the sex trade only to realize that this particular church may have a hard time with the word sex-let alone talking about it as an occupation. Anyway i say all of that to tell you its not good to mix up your speaking engagement details. But this time I still managed to. I had done very little-okay NO prep-for this "talk" because I really did believe I was simply updating this church with mission details about needs,programs etc. Well when Tom and I arrived we were in for a big surprise.....
As we walk into the church they start to mic me up you know Brittney Spears style and I say as always " no need to mic me I am probably loud enough" my attempt at humor or perhaps a subtle jab to my spirit, I tend to do that right before in a strange way to tear myself down just a little, I really need to stop that. Anyway I glance over at their bulletin for the service and I notice it has plastered on the front "GUEST SPEAKER HELEN NORRIS" I look very carefully to find some clue to what the pastor may be preaching about but I cant. I suddenly realize that I may have misunderstood my reason for being there that morning. I politely ask how much time I have to update the congregation and the person miking me giggles and says you have 35 minutes or however much time you need to deliver your message. MESSAGE ?? Oh my goodness I am doomed! I've got nothing- not even a scribbled piece of another message in my car that I can somehow try to rekindle -after I try to figure out what the message was under the coffee stain and foot print marks (yeah my car isn't the most organized either) but I didn't even have that. Tom says to me "what are you going to do?" "Go to the van and get my bible" I said.
The worship music had started and I prayed like I have never prayed before" God you know I have nothing prepared for this, I have no back up nothing,please rescue me Lord you are all I have." The music ended and i was called to the front to preach to a congregation the word of God and I had nothing. Until God spoke to me. He said "use my words" I wish I could tell you that I saw that as some divine revelation but I was really thinking" is that it? I got 35 minutes remember?!" but of course He was right-isn't HE always. I opened up my bible to the page that is almost worn out and read Isaiah 61 with the first marking I ever wrote in a bible that stated in ink"Gods call on my life", that was the gate that God needed to speak that day about His call on not just my life but all of us and how He so beautifully weaved the stories from the mission through that was incredible. It was one of those moments where I was speaking and as I was listening to what God was revealing through me I was blown away by His message. I knew it was God because I was so removed from it that I was able to be a receiver of His word at the same time as the congregation. Something would come out of my mouth and I would be thinking "wow that's amazing!" Totally God and the freedom I felt from allowing Gods spirit to fill me so full that there was no room for me in those 40 minutes was so incredible.
As I am witness again to God amazing grace to me and the filling of His spirit He asks Tom to step forward and share about men's group at the mission and the powerful God moments happening there as well. And there we stood. Tom and I in this moment taken over by God and the spirit taking over us both speaking to a church about Gods power and glory and grace and beauty. It felt like I was finally realizing a new step in His plan for us. A plan to work together in a grace-filled way to speak with God to not just this church but I believe to the nation. As we prayed together with our arms around each other that Sunday morning I felt a jump in my spirit-something FREAKY YEA JESUS FREAKY. This journey wasn't ever supposed to be solo but in partnership with Tom. To realize the power of God in not just my testimony or Toms but in the testimony of our lives together. God rescued me that Sunday morning from many things but mostly myself. To let go of ownership of HHSM and its story and to allow God to work His awesome plan out the way He intended to . Not just through me but my wonderful husband too.
Finding my JESUS FREAK hasn't been easy so far. But it has been so amazing up to now that I cant wait to see where God is leading us next.
Thank-you for following me on His incredible journey.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Stepping back to make room for God
I have figured out something really glorious and really painful on this journey. If I am going to grow I need to be honest, which is hard and glorious. Its hard because although this is a personal journey for me people still take a personal stake in it somehow. Although I write this blog as a personal memo I realize that by posting it publicly it invites people to come along and the journey is not always pleasant. I will also confess to you that it was my way of connecting with other people who have struggles with their faith journeys and are afraid to say so-there sometimes isn't alot of room for questions or honesty,even in the church. It is also glorious because I believe there is a freedom for some in finding out that its okay to feel the way they are feeling and that it really is a personal journey with God and his messed up beautiful Kingdom. Its ok to not always pretend to be connected, strong, "on the right track", focused or free. Its ok to be the man or woman of God that Jesus knows is struggling because it is only in the struggle that we come out better if we are brave enough to go there.
I realized something this weekend too that as I write it down I can already imagine the people who will read this and say "its about time she figured that out!" On this journey God placed me on nine years ago I set out in a space of wanting God to use me to tell others His incredible story of how He changed my life and I have done that for nine years. I took great PRIDE and joy in proclaiming the good new of God in my life over and over again and would mention in a small way how my whole family has been effected by it too. This weekend I stepped out of the way and stopped hogging the spotlight of God amazing grace in our family and watched as God now had room to move in my husband to tell his story too.
It has always been a joke about how much I talk and Tom has to listen but I realized that it was no longer funny when I was too selfish to step back and allow more of Gods testimony to be told through the eyes of my husband. I took the long drive with him to Windsor to a conference called "Men of Valor" and although I did not get to hear him speak today I could see Gods anointing on him as he entered the space to speak of our amazing God who can change even the most challenging trials in very broken people. I knew the experience would stretch him in ways that were uncomfortable but his focus on sharing was to help other men who may be going through similar pain in their marriage and life now to see that there can be freedom. What I love about Tom is that he makes no apologizes for who he is and where he is at. He is fully aware of his brokenness and that he has a long way to go but recognizes that sharing some of his pain can bring healing to someone else. I have watched him grow into a stronger man of God day by day -willing to be wrong as long as he learns from the experience.
We have both come from pretty big places of pain in our life together and sometimes the world doesn't make it easy to heal. We live in a world where broken seems better and we seem to enjoy the pain so we don't support the healing. God doesn't waste pain in fact it will always bring healing if we allow it-if we are brave enough to go through it. Jesus died a horrific death so i could proclaim my JESUS FREAK his pain brought me life and his example of sacrifice in love is a hard one to follow but i know it is necessary if I want to find that FREAK again.
It took me nine years to step out of the way so God could work through my husband and send him on a whole new journey. Yes God could have moved me on his own years ago but it was a process that as a couple , as a wife I needed to realize in order to support my husbands journey with God. I had to figure it out for myself so I could continue to step back and let Gods light shine through him not just today but from now on. Sometimes we are the stumbling block on someone else s faith journey until we realize that we need to move out of the way. "God will not use you unless you move" was written on a piece of paper I found in my bible the other day. AT first I thought it was for ME to move ahead in my walk but it was much more than that. It was my fortune cookie from God that was a strong message to me to move out of Toms way and let God work through him for his Kingdom here on earth. After I prayed for forgiveness with a humbled heart I grew excited for this new journey we would be on together- a JESUS FREAK journey that was no longer a personal one because it was never mean to be.
Blessings to everyone,thank you for reading and thanks for your grace in following my journey.
I realized something this weekend too that as I write it down I can already imagine the people who will read this and say "its about time she figured that out!" On this journey God placed me on nine years ago I set out in a space of wanting God to use me to tell others His incredible story of how He changed my life and I have done that for nine years. I took great PRIDE and joy in proclaiming the good new of God in my life over and over again and would mention in a small way how my whole family has been effected by it too. This weekend I stepped out of the way and stopped hogging the spotlight of God amazing grace in our family and watched as God now had room to move in my husband to tell his story too.
It has always been a joke about how much I talk and Tom has to listen but I realized that it was no longer funny when I was too selfish to step back and allow more of Gods testimony to be told through the eyes of my husband. I took the long drive with him to Windsor to a conference called "Men of Valor" and although I did not get to hear him speak today I could see Gods anointing on him as he entered the space to speak of our amazing God who can change even the most challenging trials in very broken people. I knew the experience would stretch him in ways that were uncomfortable but his focus on sharing was to help other men who may be going through similar pain in their marriage and life now to see that there can be freedom. What I love about Tom is that he makes no apologizes for who he is and where he is at. He is fully aware of his brokenness and that he has a long way to go but recognizes that sharing some of his pain can bring healing to someone else. I have watched him grow into a stronger man of God day by day -willing to be wrong as long as he learns from the experience.
We have both come from pretty big places of pain in our life together and sometimes the world doesn't make it easy to heal. We live in a world where broken seems better and we seem to enjoy the pain so we don't support the healing. God doesn't waste pain in fact it will always bring healing if we allow it-if we are brave enough to go through it. Jesus died a horrific death so i could proclaim my JESUS FREAK his pain brought me life and his example of sacrifice in love is a hard one to follow but i know it is necessary if I want to find that FREAK again.
It took me nine years to step out of the way so God could work through my husband and send him on a whole new journey. Yes God could have moved me on his own years ago but it was a process that as a couple , as a wife I needed to realize in order to support my husbands journey with God. I had to figure it out for myself so I could continue to step back and let Gods light shine through him not just today but from now on. Sometimes we are the stumbling block on someone else s faith journey until we realize that we need to move out of the way. "God will not use you unless you move" was written on a piece of paper I found in my bible the other day. AT first I thought it was for ME to move ahead in my walk but it was much more than that. It was my fortune cookie from God that was a strong message to me to move out of Toms way and let God work through him for his Kingdom here on earth. After I prayed for forgiveness with a humbled heart I grew excited for this new journey we would be on together- a JESUS FREAK journey that was no longer a personal one because it was never mean to be.
Blessings to everyone,thank you for reading and thanks for your grace in following my journey.
Friday, October 12, 2012
I want to get my JESUS FREAK on just like Ronnie
I want to be more like Ronnie.
A man who not only knew God but got his JESUS FREAK on alot-although he may not say it that way.
He treated everyone with kindness and a smile even if they didn't approach him the same way. He was close enough to God to be able to see people with the lens of JESUS.
He made people laugh and knew how to laugh at himself.
He didn't mince words and told you exactly how he was feeling.
He welcomed friends and it did not occur to him that someone wasn't worthy of his friendship or time he saw everyone as equals.
He enjoyed what was offered to him but never took more than his share-especially if there was someone he knew didn't get any yet.
He was more aware of peoples feelings than most and made sure everyone felt special and apart of the conversation he was having.
Gracious to those whom most have no time for.
Seeing the best in others even when they were not necessarily showing it.
Loved treats and didn't apologize for that.
Stepped out into the day with no apologize for who he was because he knew he was Gods son.
I want to be more like Ronnie.
I want the lens in which Jesus sees all people
I want everyone in my presence to feel special
i want to be me and not apologize for that because i know I am Gods daughter.
I want to LOVE treats and not apologize for that,
I want to get my JESUS FREAK on just like Ronnie.
A man who taught me so much in the short time i knew him.
A man who not only knew God but got his JESUS FREAK on alot-although he may not say it that way.
He treated everyone with kindness and a smile even if they didn't approach him the same way. He was close enough to God to be able to see people with the lens of JESUS.
He made people laugh and knew how to laugh at himself.
He didn't mince words and told you exactly how he was feeling.
He welcomed friends and it did not occur to him that someone wasn't worthy of his friendship or time he saw everyone as equals.
He enjoyed what was offered to him but never took more than his share-especially if there was someone he knew didn't get any yet.
He was more aware of peoples feelings than most and made sure everyone felt special and apart of the conversation he was having.
Gracious to those whom most have no time for.
Seeing the best in others even when they were not necessarily showing it.
Loved treats and didn't apologize for that.
Stepped out into the day with no apologize for who he was because he knew he was Gods son.
I want to be more like Ronnie.
I want the lens in which Jesus sees all people
I want everyone in my presence to feel special
i want to be me and not apologize for that because i know I am Gods daughter.
I want to LOVE treats and not apologize for that,
I want to get my JESUS FREAK on just like Ronnie.
A man who taught me so much in the short time i knew him.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Maybe I wasn't all bad after all
I was at one of my therapist appointments ( i know your all surprised i see a shrink right! LOL) anyway she said something to me that i never thought about before. Something that I think is really going to help me out on this Finding my JESUS FREAK journey. She said that when i came to know God and gave my life to Jesus i wanted so desperately to be a new person that I threw away all of who I was before meeting Jesus-the bad and the good- and that is part of the reason why I think I have lost apart of my freak but really I am just longing to figure which parts of who I used to be are okay to be again. Maybe I wasnt all bad after all.
The truth is none of us are. But i think sometimes this longing to be "born again" can cause us to remove everything about who we were in order to have this "new life" in Christ. Maybe just maybe there were pieces of me that would still work on this journey with JESUS, maybe i need to really search for the parts of my life that are and have always been good? Is it possible that before JESUS I wasn't all bad? Well I discovered during a visit with one of my "pre-JESUS" friends that maybe just maybe Helen Norris (pre-JESUS) really wasn't ALL bad.
Its funny i hadn't spoke to this friend in a long time and she asked me why today and i didn't have an answer. Even if i did it probably wouldn't make much sense now anyway but as I reflect on it now I wonder if throwing away ALL of me to journey with JESUS I also let go of some pre-JESUS friends too, perhaps because they reminded me of who I used to be,maybe if i am really honest it might be easier to pretend to be a more "perfect" me post-JESUS with those who never knew me before. Lets be honest -the truth hurts. We were together this morning for a long time and i really enjoyed just being me with her. I didn't have to worry about letting the pre-JESUS me slip out or worry that she was somehow judging my behaviour. She could care less about what I do for a job or where my next speaking engagement is and especially how the mission is going-not because she doesn't care about all those things but because deep down she knows who \i was before and I am sure is happy that I have met JESUS but doesn't want to have tea with me because of all the "stuff" i do now. I found it easier to talk about Grace and how I have grown to love the people I used to curse with her because I knew my honesty wouldn't cause her to look the other way or question my "ability" to be in the role I am at HHSM. It felt free. It was the kind of moment where I knew if I had a breakdown of faith she wouldn't force me back to believing but simply listen knowing i would find my way back anyway. My friend is a Christian she and I were baptized at the same time almost 9 years ago. The amazing part is we are both major players in each others struggle pre-JESUS yet ironically both players in our faith journeys now.
I have met many great friends since knowing JESUS and this is not to suggest that I dont need them or appreciate what they have done and do in my life but today reminded me that there must have been something good about me before this journey and that God wants me to find that again. Maybe whats missing is the many parts of me that i threw away in a desperate attempt to never be that girl again? Its so easy to want the life that God has planned for me but perhaps He never intended for his original creation to be re-created just broken and put back together-thats 2 different things. I have been looking for new parts but what I was supposed to do was keep the old ones but reuse them,reshape them and re mold them for Gods glory. People know my testimony so they think they know who I was but testimonies are flawed in the aspect that we tell all the bad in our life before and all the good that is happening now. I know we are to take off our old selves and put on new but we are still putting it on the original creation right?
Anyway today turned out to be less about meeting an old friend for tea but about rediscovering that although there are some major things in my past i regret, am ashamed of and embarrassed by there are also things about me that have always been ok. Even if its only a couple of things,small things, they are still me , a part of me apart of me that God loves. I'm okay now and I think i might go searching for the couple of things about me that were ok then.
Thanks for reading and following my journey. Praying that you can look back and rediscover the good pieces of you too.
The truth is none of us are. But i think sometimes this longing to be "born again" can cause us to remove everything about who we were in order to have this "new life" in Christ. Maybe just maybe there were pieces of me that would still work on this journey with JESUS, maybe i need to really search for the parts of my life that are and have always been good? Is it possible that before JESUS I wasn't all bad? Well I discovered during a visit with one of my "pre-JESUS" friends that maybe just maybe Helen Norris (pre-JESUS) really wasn't ALL bad.
Its funny i hadn't spoke to this friend in a long time and she asked me why today and i didn't have an answer. Even if i did it probably wouldn't make much sense now anyway but as I reflect on it now I wonder if throwing away ALL of me to journey with JESUS I also let go of some pre-JESUS friends too, perhaps because they reminded me of who I used to be,maybe if i am really honest it might be easier to pretend to be a more "perfect" me post-JESUS with those who never knew me before. Lets be honest -the truth hurts. We were together this morning for a long time and i really enjoyed just being me with her. I didn't have to worry about letting the pre-JESUS me slip out or worry that she was somehow judging my behaviour. She could care less about what I do for a job or where my next speaking engagement is and especially how the mission is going-not because she doesn't care about all those things but because deep down she knows who \i was before and I am sure is happy that I have met JESUS but doesn't want to have tea with me because of all the "stuff" i do now. I found it easier to talk about Grace and how I have grown to love the people I used to curse with her because I knew my honesty wouldn't cause her to look the other way or question my "ability" to be in the role I am at HHSM. It felt free. It was the kind of moment where I knew if I had a breakdown of faith she wouldn't force me back to believing but simply listen knowing i would find my way back anyway. My friend is a Christian she and I were baptized at the same time almost 9 years ago. The amazing part is we are both major players in each others struggle pre-JESUS yet ironically both players in our faith journeys now.
I have met many great friends since knowing JESUS and this is not to suggest that I dont need them or appreciate what they have done and do in my life but today reminded me that there must have been something good about me before this journey and that God wants me to find that again. Maybe whats missing is the many parts of me that i threw away in a desperate attempt to never be that girl again? Its so easy to want the life that God has planned for me but perhaps He never intended for his original creation to be re-created just broken and put back together-thats 2 different things. I have been looking for new parts but what I was supposed to do was keep the old ones but reuse them,reshape them and re mold them for Gods glory. People know my testimony so they think they know who I was but testimonies are flawed in the aspect that we tell all the bad in our life before and all the good that is happening now. I know we are to take off our old selves and put on new but we are still putting it on the original creation right?
Anyway today turned out to be less about meeting an old friend for tea but about rediscovering that although there are some major things in my past i regret, am ashamed of and embarrassed by there are also things about me that have always been ok. Even if its only a couple of things,small things, they are still me , a part of me apart of me that God loves. I'm okay now and I think i might go searching for the couple of things about me that were ok then.
Thanks for reading and following my journey. Praying that you can look back and rediscover the good pieces of you too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)