I have had many experiences in my life with collections agencies calling my house looking for payments-they have never been good. It wasn't always because I had some nasty person in the other end of the line sometimes that person was me besides the reality is that i wouldn't have been receiving those calls if I had paid my bills. I have heard a popular Christian Financial leader call the people who work for collection agencies "pond scum" and I have dealt with some over the top people that perhaps that title may be true but I was recently humbled by God in a way that made me grow so much the pain felt like those terrible leg cramps I got when I was a young girl.
Tom and I have been living in our house for 15 years and it is only by the grace of God that we still have it. We have been through many different jobs and with our decision for me to leave my job completely over 4 years ago to be at HHSM our finances have never been described as "stable". Last year we realized it was time to get windows since the draft coming in through them was crazy and our heating bills seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. The truth is we needed windows but the bigger truth was we didn't have the money to put new ones in -but we did. We made the decision to finance the windows in the hopes that our heat bills would go down and we could make the difference up to make the window payment. We did need the windows, and they have been great and we do in fact save money on our utilities but the reality still is that payment every month is a killer. We signed up for direct withdrawal which worked out the first few times but with Toms on again off again work it didn't always and we ended up paying an additional $50 in bank fees for the money not being there. So the phone calls would come.Sometimes the people did sound pretty nasty but the bigger reality is that Tom and I were just as bad-you see pride is more painful than any other emotion. Throughout this process we remortgaged the house and were able to put a chunk of money on those windows and thought we would be good for a few months but were informed that the money we put on it would only be used at the end of our contract and there in case we couldn't make a payment, we were really ticked. I am sure those "pond scum" never guessed they were talking to "Christians " on the other end of the line.
About six months ago the phone rang and a new person from our financial collections called. Her name was Maria. She began the conversation by telling me she was new and then began to let me know our payment didnt go through AGAIN. She began to lecture me on the importance of making the payments and although everything she told me was true \i simply said "Please do not lecture me I don't need a lecture from you" After a back and forth heated discussion I finally stopped her and said " look. This payment is probably going to keep bouncing, we never know when money is coming with my husbands work and \i am tired of paying all these fees. Can I please just drive you a cash payment every month- she got permission for me to do this-not company policy-and I drove my first payment down, a 20 minute drive but less cost than those bank fees every month. Our first meeting was better than expected. She saw that my job said I worked at HHSM which made me so embarrassed because of the way \i had treated her on the phone, certainly not with the LOVE AND RESPECT that my card said.She asked for information so I gave her my card. I left our payment and I felt a sense of relief that \i knew the phone wouldn't be ringing from them this month. Next time I went she asked about our large payment and wondered why it wasn't put towards the principle? She said that was ridiculous so she placed that on our principle payment so now we are a little closer. I thanked her for that, she said no problem, and the "pond scum" persona began to fade. Each month that I visit her with our cash payment we talk a little more and come to find out we are both pretty nice people in spite of what I am sure we both assumed months ago on the end of the telephone.
Last week as I was driving up to give Maria my payment \i was stopped at the train tracks which seemed like forever. As i sat there I felt God say to me ,PRAY FOR HER. I looked around at the other cars around me but there was only men inside them so I figured I was just going crazy. I heard it again and again and finally said out loud "you don't mean \maria the collections lady right?!" yes as I talked to God in my car the men beside me looked with concern because my conversations grew to moments of trying to convince God he was wrong that I didn't need to pray for Maria. It would not go away and with God asking me over and over to pray for her i heard him say, pray for her burdens that she carries. The barriers went up and we were free to drive again but I couldn't shake this from my heart but parked at the office and said one more time God I do not know this lady enough to tell her \i want to pray for her please Lord what if she throws me out of the office and tells me \i cannot come with my cash payment anymore? Just do it He said. SO with the boldness that only God can give I stepped into the elevator praying Maria was on a break. She wasnt. I waited in the waiting area for her to come and gave her the money. We exchanged pleasant conversation and she shook my hand while giving me the receipt for my payment and \i said " Pleased do not think I am crazy but God just asked me to pray for you. He said you have some pretty big burdens right now and I wondered if I could pray for you?" She looked at me like I was crazy and stepped back from me. I thought for sure I was about to be escorted from the building. She said " Are you one of those psychics you know people who do readings?" I said "Oh no no no that's not who I am NO! I just wanted to pray for you because God asked me to " She sat down in one of the chairs and took a deep breath and for 20 minutes told me all about her parents who were now in a nursing home and that her mother is in early stages of dementia and that she feels guilty about putting them there and she went on and on....
Her burdens were heavy and God knew that. I told her that God understands and he wants to give her rest. She hugged me and thanked me for listening. I felt another more serious nudged from God when told me to apologize for MY behavior on the phone. OUCH. I said sorry to her and prayed that God would soften the lips and tongues of the people that she would have to call today, she started to tear up. We hugged again. I stepped in to the elevator and looked in the mirror and smiled. I wasn't proud of myself I was smiling at God. Our God who always know what we need and how to teach us lessons in a way we will never forget. I am looking forward to next month when that payment is due now because I will be able to go see Maria and find out how she is doing and if there are any other things she would like prayer for. God reveals the humanity in His people when people like me forget their humanity and only see "pond scum"
Thank-you for following my Journey. Go be BOLD God will be with you.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Love rescues me everytime
He has rescued me from many things in my life, that incredible God of ours, but its usually me that I need rescuing from. My thoughts my desires my assumptions and mostly my control. Its not always as exciting as one of those amazing rescues you see on the news-I have yet to be rescued from a burning building- but it is no less serious in fact some of the subtleties that He rescues me from are the shifts I needed to make the next big move. Ultimately a move that removes more of me to be filled by Him.
A couple of Sundays ago though I did need a serious rescue from God in a not so subtle way. I had been asked to come back to visit some family at a church this particular Sunday morning with the intention to update them on HHSM. Although I am by nature a disorganized person this time I had e-mailed a few days a head to keep myself on track because I have been blessed with more and more speaking engagements I have learned to go over details so I don't go to a seniors group and talk about how youth can be involved with change or show up at a church to talk about the sex trade only to realize that this particular church may have a hard time with the word sex-let alone talking about it as an occupation. Anyway i say all of that to tell you its not good to mix up your speaking engagement details. But this time I still managed to. I had done very little-okay NO prep-for this "talk" because I really did believe I was simply updating this church with mission details about needs,programs etc. Well when Tom and I arrived we were in for a big surprise.....
As we walk into the church they start to mic me up you know Brittney Spears style and I say as always " no need to mic me I am probably loud enough" my attempt at humor or perhaps a subtle jab to my spirit, I tend to do that right before in a strange way to tear myself down just a little, I really need to stop that. Anyway I glance over at their bulletin for the service and I notice it has plastered on the front "GUEST SPEAKER HELEN NORRIS" I look very carefully to find some clue to what the pastor may be preaching about but I cant. I suddenly realize that I may have misunderstood my reason for being there that morning. I politely ask how much time I have to update the congregation and the person miking me giggles and says you have 35 minutes or however much time you need to deliver your message. MESSAGE ?? Oh my goodness I am doomed! I've got nothing- not even a scribbled piece of another message in my car that I can somehow try to rekindle -after I try to figure out what the message was under the coffee stain and foot print marks (yeah my car isn't the most organized either) but I didn't even have that. Tom says to me "what are you going to do?" "Go to the van and get my bible" I said.
The worship music had started and I prayed like I have never prayed before" God you know I have nothing prepared for this, I have no back up nothing,please rescue me Lord you are all I have." The music ended and i was called to the front to preach to a congregation the word of God and I had nothing. Until God spoke to me. He said "use my words" I wish I could tell you that I saw that as some divine revelation but I was really thinking" is that it? I got 35 minutes remember?!" but of course He was right-isn't HE always. I opened up my bible to the page that is almost worn out and read Isaiah 61 with the first marking I ever wrote in a bible that stated in ink"Gods call on my life", that was the gate that God needed to speak that day about His call on not just my life but all of us and how He so beautifully weaved the stories from the mission through that was incredible. It was one of those moments where I was speaking and as I was listening to what God was revealing through me I was blown away by His message. I knew it was God because I was so removed from it that I was able to be a receiver of His word at the same time as the congregation. Something would come out of my mouth and I would be thinking "wow that's amazing!" Totally God and the freedom I felt from allowing Gods spirit to fill me so full that there was no room for me in those 40 minutes was so incredible.
As I am witness again to God amazing grace to me and the filling of His spirit He asks Tom to step forward and share about men's group at the mission and the powerful God moments happening there as well. And there we stood. Tom and I in this moment taken over by God and the spirit taking over us both speaking to a church about Gods power and glory and grace and beauty. It felt like I was finally realizing a new step in His plan for us. A plan to work together in a grace-filled way to speak with God to not just this church but I believe to the nation. As we prayed together with our arms around each other that Sunday morning I felt a jump in my spirit-something FREAKY YEA JESUS FREAKY. This journey wasn't ever supposed to be solo but in partnership with Tom. To realize the power of God in not just my testimony or Toms but in the testimony of our lives together. God rescued me that Sunday morning from many things but mostly myself. To let go of ownership of HHSM and its story and to allow God to work His awesome plan out the way He intended to . Not just through me but my wonderful husband too.
Finding my JESUS FREAK hasn't been easy so far. But it has been so amazing up to now that I cant wait to see where God is leading us next.
Thank-you for following me on His incredible journey.
A couple of Sundays ago though I did need a serious rescue from God in a not so subtle way. I had been asked to come back to visit some family at a church this particular Sunday morning with the intention to update them on HHSM. Although I am by nature a disorganized person this time I had e-mailed a few days a head to keep myself on track because I have been blessed with more and more speaking engagements I have learned to go over details so I don't go to a seniors group and talk about how youth can be involved with change or show up at a church to talk about the sex trade only to realize that this particular church may have a hard time with the word sex-let alone talking about it as an occupation. Anyway i say all of that to tell you its not good to mix up your speaking engagement details. But this time I still managed to. I had done very little-okay NO prep-for this "talk" because I really did believe I was simply updating this church with mission details about needs,programs etc. Well when Tom and I arrived we were in for a big surprise.....
As we walk into the church they start to mic me up you know Brittney Spears style and I say as always " no need to mic me I am probably loud enough" my attempt at humor or perhaps a subtle jab to my spirit, I tend to do that right before in a strange way to tear myself down just a little, I really need to stop that. Anyway I glance over at their bulletin for the service and I notice it has plastered on the front "GUEST SPEAKER HELEN NORRIS" I look very carefully to find some clue to what the pastor may be preaching about but I cant. I suddenly realize that I may have misunderstood my reason for being there that morning. I politely ask how much time I have to update the congregation and the person miking me giggles and says you have 35 minutes or however much time you need to deliver your message. MESSAGE ?? Oh my goodness I am doomed! I've got nothing- not even a scribbled piece of another message in my car that I can somehow try to rekindle -after I try to figure out what the message was under the coffee stain and foot print marks (yeah my car isn't the most organized either) but I didn't even have that. Tom says to me "what are you going to do?" "Go to the van and get my bible" I said.
The worship music had started and I prayed like I have never prayed before" God you know I have nothing prepared for this, I have no back up nothing,please rescue me Lord you are all I have." The music ended and i was called to the front to preach to a congregation the word of God and I had nothing. Until God spoke to me. He said "use my words" I wish I could tell you that I saw that as some divine revelation but I was really thinking" is that it? I got 35 minutes remember?!" but of course He was right-isn't HE always. I opened up my bible to the page that is almost worn out and read Isaiah 61 with the first marking I ever wrote in a bible that stated in ink"Gods call on my life", that was the gate that God needed to speak that day about His call on not just my life but all of us and how He so beautifully weaved the stories from the mission through that was incredible. It was one of those moments where I was speaking and as I was listening to what God was revealing through me I was blown away by His message. I knew it was God because I was so removed from it that I was able to be a receiver of His word at the same time as the congregation. Something would come out of my mouth and I would be thinking "wow that's amazing!" Totally God and the freedom I felt from allowing Gods spirit to fill me so full that there was no room for me in those 40 minutes was so incredible.
As I am witness again to God amazing grace to me and the filling of His spirit He asks Tom to step forward and share about men's group at the mission and the powerful God moments happening there as well. And there we stood. Tom and I in this moment taken over by God and the spirit taking over us both speaking to a church about Gods power and glory and grace and beauty. It felt like I was finally realizing a new step in His plan for us. A plan to work together in a grace-filled way to speak with God to not just this church but I believe to the nation. As we prayed together with our arms around each other that Sunday morning I felt a jump in my spirit-something FREAKY YEA JESUS FREAKY. This journey wasn't ever supposed to be solo but in partnership with Tom. To realize the power of God in not just my testimony or Toms but in the testimony of our lives together. God rescued me that Sunday morning from many things but mostly myself. To let go of ownership of HHSM and its story and to allow God to work His awesome plan out the way He intended to . Not just through me but my wonderful husband too.
Finding my JESUS FREAK hasn't been easy so far. But it has been so amazing up to now that I cant wait to see where God is leading us next.
Thank-you for following me on His incredible journey.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Stepping back to make room for God
I have figured out something really glorious and really painful on this journey. If I am going to grow I need to be honest, which is hard and glorious. Its hard because although this is a personal journey for me people still take a personal stake in it somehow. Although I write this blog as a personal memo I realize that by posting it publicly it invites people to come along and the journey is not always pleasant. I will also confess to you that it was my way of connecting with other people who have struggles with their faith journeys and are afraid to say so-there sometimes isn't alot of room for questions or honesty,even in the church. It is also glorious because I believe there is a freedom for some in finding out that its okay to feel the way they are feeling and that it really is a personal journey with God and his messed up beautiful Kingdom. Its ok to not always pretend to be connected, strong, "on the right track", focused or free. Its ok to be the man or woman of God that Jesus knows is struggling because it is only in the struggle that we come out better if we are brave enough to go there.
I realized something this weekend too that as I write it down I can already imagine the people who will read this and say "its about time she figured that out!" On this journey God placed me on nine years ago I set out in a space of wanting God to use me to tell others His incredible story of how He changed my life and I have done that for nine years. I took great PRIDE and joy in proclaiming the good new of God in my life over and over again and would mention in a small way how my whole family has been effected by it too. This weekend I stepped out of the way and stopped hogging the spotlight of God amazing grace in our family and watched as God now had room to move in my husband to tell his story too.
It has always been a joke about how much I talk and Tom has to listen but I realized that it was no longer funny when I was too selfish to step back and allow more of Gods testimony to be told through the eyes of my husband. I took the long drive with him to Windsor to a conference called "Men of Valor" and although I did not get to hear him speak today I could see Gods anointing on him as he entered the space to speak of our amazing God who can change even the most challenging trials in very broken people. I knew the experience would stretch him in ways that were uncomfortable but his focus on sharing was to help other men who may be going through similar pain in their marriage and life now to see that there can be freedom. What I love about Tom is that he makes no apologizes for who he is and where he is at. He is fully aware of his brokenness and that he has a long way to go but recognizes that sharing some of his pain can bring healing to someone else. I have watched him grow into a stronger man of God day by day -willing to be wrong as long as he learns from the experience.
We have both come from pretty big places of pain in our life together and sometimes the world doesn't make it easy to heal. We live in a world where broken seems better and we seem to enjoy the pain so we don't support the healing. God doesn't waste pain in fact it will always bring healing if we allow it-if we are brave enough to go through it. Jesus died a horrific death so i could proclaim my JESUS FREAK his pain brought me life and his example of sacrifice in love is a hard one to follow but i know it is necessary if I want to find that FREAK again.
It took me nine years to step out of the way so God could work through my husband and send him on a whole new journey. Yes God could have moved me on his own years ago but it was a process that as a couple , as a wife I needed to realize in order to support my husbands journey with God. I had to figure it out for myself so I could continue to step back and let Gods light shine through him not just today but from now on. Sometimes we are the stumbling block on someone else s faith journey until we realize that we need to move out of the way. "God will not use you unless you move" was written on a piece of paper I found in my bible the other day. AT first I thought it was for ME to move ahead in my walk but it was much more than that. It was my fortune cookie from God that was a strong message to me to move out of Toms way and let God work through him for his Kingdom here on earth. After I prayed for forgiveness with a humbled heart I grew excited for this new journey we would be on together- a JESUS FREAK journey that was no longer a personal one because it was never mean to be.
Blessings to everyone,thank you for reading and thanks for your grace in following my journey.
I realized something this weekend too that as I write it down I can already imagine the people who will read this and say "its about time she figured that out!" On this journey God placed me on nine years ago I set out in a space of wanting God to use me to tell others His incredible story of how He changed my life and I have done that for nine years. I took great PRIDE and joy in proclaiming the good new of God in my life over and over again and would mention in a small way how my whole family has been effected by it too. This weekend I stepped out of the way and stopped hogging the spotlight of God amazing grace in our family and watched as God now had room to move in my husband to tell his story too.
It has always been a joke about how much I talk and Tom has to listen but I realized that it was no longer funny when I was too selfish to step back and allow more of Gods testimony to be told through the eyes of my husband. I took the long drive with him to Windsor to a conference called "Men of Valor" and although I did not get to hear him speak today I could see Gods anointing on him as he entered the space to speak of our amazing God who can change even the most challenging trials in very broken people. I knew the experience would stretch him in ways that were uncomfortable but his focus on sharing was to help other men who may be going through similar pain in their marriage and life now to see that there can be freedom. What I love about Tom is that he makes no apologizes for who he is and where he is at. He is fully aware of his brokenness and that he has a long way to go but recognizes that sharing some of his pain can bring healing to someone else. I have watched him grow into a stronger man of God day by day -willing to be wrong as long as he learns from the experience.
We have both come from pretty big places of pain in our life together and sometimes the world doesn't make it easy to heal. We live in a world where broken seems better and we seem to enjoy the pain so we don't support the healing. God doesn't waste pain in fact it will always bring healing if we allow it-if we are brave enough to go through it. Jesus died a horrific death so i could proclaim my JESUS FREAK his pain brought me life and his example of sacrifice in love is a hard one to follow but i know it is necessary if I want to find that FREAK again.
It took me nine years to step out of the way so God could work through my husband and send him on a whole new journey. Yes God could have moved me on his own years ago but it was a process that as a couple , as a wife I needed to realize in order to support my husbands journey with God. I had to figure it out for myself so I could continue to step back and let Gods light shine through him not just today but from now on. Sometimes we are the stumbling block on someone else s faith journey until we realize that we need to move out of the way. "God will not use you unless you move" was written on a piece of paper I found in my bible the other day. AT first I thought it was for ME to move ahead in my walk but it was much more than that. It was my fortune cookie from God that was a strong message to me to move out of Toms way and let God work through him for his Kingdom here on earth. After I prayed for forgiveness with a humbled heart I grew excited for this new journey we would be on together- a JESUS FREAK journey that was no longer a personal one because it was never mean to be.
Blessings to everyone,thank you for reading and thanks for your grace in following my journey.
Friday, October 12, 2012
I want to get my JESUS FREAK on just like Ronnie
I want to be more like Ronnie.
A man who not only knew God but got his JESUS FREAK on alot-although he may not say it that way.
He treated everyone with kindness and a smile even if they didn't approach him the same way. He was close enough to God to be able to see people with the lens of JESUS.
He made people laugh and knew how to laugh at himself.
He didn't mince words and told you exactly how he was feeling.
He welcomed friends and it did not occur to him that someone wasn't worthy of his friendship or time he saw everyone as equals.
He enjoyed what was offered to him but never took more than his share-especially if there was someone he knew didn't get any yet.
He was more aware of peoples feelings than most and made sure everyone felt special and apart of the conversation he was having.
Gracious to those whom most have no time for.
Seeing the best in others even when they were not necessarily showing it.
Loved treats and didn't apologize for that.
Stepped out into the day with no apologize for who he was because he knew he was Gods son.
I want to be more like Ronnie.
I want the lens in which Jesus sees all people
I want everyone in my presence to feel special
i want to be me and not apologize for that because i know I am Gods daughter.
I want to LOVE treats and not apologize for that,
I want to get my JESUS FREAK on just like Ronnie.
A man who taught me so much in the short time i knew him.
A man who not only knew God but got his JESUS FREAK on alot-although he may not say it that way.
He treated everyone with kindness and a smile even if they didn't approach him the same way. He was close enough to God to be able to see people with the lens of JESUS.
He made people laugh and knew how to laugh at himself.
He didn't mince words and told you exactly how he was feeling.
He welcomed friends and it did not occur to him that someone wasn't worthy of his friendship or time he saw everyone as equals.
He enjoyed what was offered to him but never took more than his share-especially if there was someone he knew didn't get any yet.
He was more aware of peoples feelings than most and made sure everyone felt special and apart of the conversation he was having.
Gracious to those whom most have no time for.
Seeing the best in others even when they were not necessarily showing it.
Loved treats and didn't apologize for that.
Stepped out into the day with no apologize for who he was because he knew he was Gods son.
I want to be more like Ronnie.
I want the lens in which Jesus sees all people
I want everyone in my presence to feel special
i want to be me and not apologize for that because i know I am Gods daughter.
I want to LOVE treats and not apologize for that,
I want to get my JESUS FREAK on just like Ronnie.
A man who taught me so much in the short time i knew him.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Maybe I wasn't all bad after all
I was at one of my therapist appointments ( i know your all surprised i see a shrink right! LOL) anyway she said something to me that i never thought about before. Something that I think is really going to help me out on this Finding my JESUS FREAK journey. She said that when i came to know God and gave my life to Jesus i wanted so desperately to be a new person that I threw away all of who I was before meeting Jesus-the bad and the good- and that is part of the reason why I think I have lost apart of my freak but really I am just longing to figure which parts of who I used to be are okay to be again. Maybe I wasnt all bad after all.
The truth is none of us are. But i think sometimes this longing to be "born again" can cause us to remove everything about who we were in order to have this "new life" in Christ. Maybe just maybe there were pieces of me that would still work on this journey with JESUS, maybe i need to really search for the parts of my life that are and have always been good? Is it possible that before JESUS I wasn't all bad? Well I discovered during a visit with one of my "pre-JESUS" friends that maybe just maybe Helen Norris (pre-JESUS) really wasn't ALL bad.
Its funny i hadn't spoke to this friend in a long time and she asked me why today and i didn't have an answer. Even if i did it probably wouldn't make much sense now anyway but as I reflect on it now I wonder if throwing away ALL of me to journey with JESUS I also let go of some pre-JESUS friends too, perhaps because they reminded me of who I used to be,maybe if i am really honest it might be easier to pretend to be a more "perfect" me post-JESUS with those who never knew me before. Lets be honest -the truth hurts. We were together this morning for a long time and i really enjoyed just being me with her. I didn't have to worry about letting the pre-JESUS me slip out or worry that she was somehow judging my behaviour. She could care less about what I do for a job or where my next speaking engagement is and especially how the mission is going-not because she doesn't care about all those things but because deep down she knows who \i was before and I am sure is happy that I have met JESUS but doesn't want to have tea with me because of all the "stuff" i do now. I found it easier to talk about Grace and how I have grown to love the people I used to curse with her because I knew my honesty wouldn't cause her to look the other way or question my "ability" to be in the role I am at HHSM. It felt free. It was the kind of moment where I knew if I had a breakdown of faith she wouldn't force me back to believing but simply listen knowing i would find my way back anyway. My friend is a Christian she and I were baptized at the same time almost 9 years ago. The amazing part is we are both major players in each others struggle pre-JESUS yet ironically both players in our faith journeys now.
I have met many great friends since knowing JESUS and this is not to suggest that I dont need them or appreciate what they have done and do in my life but today reminded me that there must have been something good about me before this journey and that God wants me to find that again. Maybe whats missing is the many parts of me that i threw away in a desperate attempt to never be that girl again? Its so easy to want the life that God has planned for me but perhaps He never intended for his original creation to be re-created just broken and put back together-thats 2 different things. I have been looking for new parts but what I was supposed to do was keep the old ones but reuse them,reshape them and re mold them for Gods glory. People know my testimony so they think they know who I was but testimonies are flawed in the aspect that we tell all the bad in our life before and all the good that is happening now. I know we are to take off our old selves and put on new but we are still putting it on the original creation right?
Anyway today turned out to be less about meeting an old friend for tea but about rediscovering that although there are some major things in my past i regret, am ashamed of and embarrassed by there are also things about me that have always been ok. Even if its only a couple of things,small things, they are still me , a part of me apart of me that God loves. I'm okay now and I think i might go searching for the couple of things about me that were ok then.
Thanks for reading and following my journey. Praying that you can look back and rediscover the good pieces of you too.
The truth is none of us are. But i think sometimes this longing to be "born again" can cause us to remove everything about who we were in order to have this "new life" in Christ. Maybe just maybe there were pieces of me that would still work on this journey with JESUS, maybe i need to really search for the parts of my life that are and have always been good? Is it possible that before JESUS I wasn't all bad? Well I discovered during a visit with one of my "pre-JESUS" friends that maybe just maybe Helen Norris (pre-JESUS) really wasn't ALL bad.
Its funny i hadn't spoke to this friend in a long time and she asked me why today and i didn't have an answer. Even if i did it probably wouldn't make much sense now anyway but as I reflect on it now I wonder if throwing away ALL of me to journey with JESUS I also let go of some pre-JESUS friends too, perhaps because they reminded me of who I used to be,maybe if i am really honest it might be easier to pretend to be a more "perfect" me post-JESUS with those who never knew me before. Lets be honest -the truth hurts. We were together this morning for a long time and i really enjoyed just being me with her. I didn't have to worry about letting the pre-JESUS me slip out or worry that she was somehow judging my behaviour. She could care less about what I do for a job or where my next speaking engagement is and especially how the mission is going-not because she doesn't care about all those things but because deep down she knows who \i was before and I am sure is happy that I have met JESUS but doesn't want to have tea with me because of all the "stuff" i do now. I found it easier to talk about Grace and how I have grown to love the people I used to curse with her because I knew my honesty wouldn't cause her to look the other way or question my "ability" to be in the role I am at HHSM. It felt free. It was the kind of moment where I knew if I had a breakdown of faith she wouldn't force me back to believing but simply listen knowing i would find my way back anyway. My friend is a Christian she and I were baptized at the same time almost 9 years ago. The amazing part is we are both major players in each others struggle pre-JESUS yet ironically both players in our faith journeys now.
I have met many great friends since knowing JESUS and this is not to suggest that I dont need them or appreciate what they have done and do in my life but today reminded me that there must have been something good about me before this journey and that God wants me to find that again. Maybe whats missing is the many parts of me that i threw away in a desperate attempt to never be that girl again? Its so easy to want the life that God has planned for me but perhaps He never intended for his original creation to be re-created just broken and put back together-thats 2 different things. I have been looking for new parts but what I was supposed to do was keep the old ones but reuse them,reshape them and re mold them for Gods glory. People know my testimony so they think they know who I was but testimonies are flawed in the aspect that we tell all the bad in our life before and all the good that is happening now. I know we are to take off our old selves and put on new but we are still putting it on the original creation right?
Anyway today turned out to be less about meeting an old friend for tea but about rediscovering that although there are some major things in my past i regret, am ashamed of and embarrassed by there are also things about me that have always been ok. Even if its only a couple of things,small things, they are still me , a part of me apart of me that God loves. I'm okay now and I think i might go searching for the couple of things about me that were ok then.
Thanks for reading and following my journey. Praying that you can look back and rediscover the good pieces of you too.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Gods Word,people pleasing and reclaiming the word "shit"
Gods word. I need to know it better i need to soak in it. Of all the "issues" i think I have to deal with in life I know most of them arise due to the fact that I do not Taste chew and swallow Gods word. I heard something interesting today that there are 3 main reasons that people read scripture: for intellectual reasons-so they can "know" more and recite more and become more knowledgeable, for good advice-when we have problems we look to it for answers and to make ourselves feel better. I have done all these things in fact i would have to say if I am honest that that would be the majority of the reasons why I go to Gods word. I wish this was not true but if i am going to learn anything on this journey I've go to be honest. I want to go to Gods word to be closer to Him to learn more about Him and to feed on His word so that my life begins to reflect His word. That's what i want.But how to i achieve this? Do we ever achieve this? Has anyone ever really figured out Gods true plan for their life and lived it out as He would want them to?
There are many things i know that i have in my life that God is not impressed with-that's putting it mildly and I also know there are things about me that He is pleased with. I know I am not where I should be but as they say " I am not where i used to be" and I hope that every year I continue to grow and be better but I want that to be because i want my life to be good and pleasing to God not other people. think that's harder than we would admit.
I know we all profess to be people who don't care what others think about us but we are liars.I have thought about a lot of my journey lately and realized that a lot of the "traps" i feel like i am stuck in on my faith journey have a lot to do with not making a certain move because it will make someone feel uncomfortable or i may disappoint someone.I hate that it even crosses my mind to give a shit what other people might think about my next move in my journey with God. (P.S my Dutch friend said SHIT is not a swear word it is something animals do on a farm and although i am not nor have ever been a farmer i am taking the word SHIT to express myself and feel it is okay because my Dutch friend -who is more like Jesus than most people I have met-said its okay) Every inch of who I am screams against the concept of doing or not doing something because someone else might be uncomfortable with it or it may not be what they would do-so why is it okay on my journey with God? The more i think about it the concept screams of ridiculous MORE when referring to my journey with God because it really is so personal. SO why do i do this? I wish i had the answer but more important;y i wish i had more FREAK to not care and to be bold for JESUS like i tell everyone else to do. Maybe i just need practice again. 9 years ago i did many things that made my family,workplace,friends very uncomfortable when i first met JESUS so why is it that i even think about how anyone feels now about a decision that may not make sense or be okay for everyone else? If you have any advice let me know.
Baby steps-that's the plan. Baby steps. My FREAK (SPIRIT) is right here in me and i feel like i need to release it before it dims out and i become an 80 year old "Christian" who uses the title but no one knows why. Baby steps. Gods word to give me strength,remind me of who i really am and to take root in HIS plan for me. Not MY plan,not my communities plan,not the missions plan, not my friends plan and yes not even my churches plan but GODS plan. I am not going to find it until i reclaim His word. Continue to keep me accountable all of you who have done so thus far. I love and appreciate all of you. Oh and from a previous blog you will be happy to know i cancelled 3 things this past week to spend more time with one of Gods most important plans for my life-my family. It wasn't easy but best decisions i could have made.
*****On a less serious note-not sure why the typing has changed style throughout this blog-great effect but not on purpose. Need to find out how i did that,See learning new things everyday.****
Continue on the journey -its a beautiful mess indeed!
There are many things i know that i have in my life that God is not impressed with-that's putting it mildly and I also know there are things about me that He is pleased with. I know I am not where I should be but as they say " I am not where i used to be" and I hope that every year I continue to grow and be better but I want that to be because i want my life to be good and pleasing to God not other people. think that's harder than we would admit.
I know we all profess to be people who don't care what others think about us but we are liars.I have thought about a lot of my journey lately and realized that a lot of the "traps" i feel like i am stuck in on my faith journey have a lot to do with not making a certain move because it will make someone feel uncomfortable or i may disappoint someone.I hate that it even crosses my mind to give a shit what other people might think about my next move in my journey with God. (P.S my Dutch friend said SHIT is not a swear word it is something animals do on a farm and although i am not nor have ever been a farmer i am taking the word SHIT to express myself and feel it is okay because my Dutch friend -who is more like Jesus than most people I have met-said its okay) Every inch of who I am screams against the concept of doing or not doing something because someone else might be uncomfortable with it or it may not be what they would do-so why is it okay on my journey with God? The more i think about it the concept screams of ridiculous MORE when referring to my journey with God because it really is so personal. SO why do i do this? I wish i had the answer but more important;y i wish i had more FREAK to not care and to be bold for JESUS like i tell everyone else to do. Maybe i just need practice again. 9 years ago i did many things that made my family,workplace,friends very uncomfortable when i first met JESUS so why is it that i even think about how anyone feels now about a decision that may not make sense or be okay for everyone else? If you have any advice let me know.
Baby steps-that's the plan. Baby steps. My FREAK (SPIRIT) is right here in me and i feel like i need to release it before it dims out and i become an 80 year old "Christian" who uses the title but no one knows why. Baby steps. Gods word to give me strength,remind me of who i really am and to take root in HIS plan for me. Not MY plan,not my communities plan,not the missions plan, not my friends plan and yes not even my churches plan but GODS plan. I am not going to find it until i reclaim His word. Continue to keep me accountable all of you who have done so thus far. I love and appreciate all of you. Oh and from a previous blog you will be happy to know i cancelled 3 things this past week to spend more time with one of Gods most important plans for my life-my family. It wasn't easy but best decisions i could have made.
*****On a less serious note-not sure why the typing has changed style throughout this blog-great effect but not on purpose. Need to find out how i did that,See learning new things everyday.****
Continue on the journey -its a beautiful mess indeed!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Do we really believe it?
Do we really believe what we say we believe? You know REALLY believe? I met with a friend of mine for tea this week, shes a part of this Jesus FREAK plan of mine to hold me accountable on the journey and for me to keep her accountable on her own journey. When we meet we give each other challenges,listen to each others journeys and dream about the day that we really harness the holy spirit power inside of us and what our world would look like if we did. This time the challenge was using the power of Gods word through scripture, harnessing the Holy Spirit and praying scripture out loud as a weapon for our lives and the lives of others. It was incredible.There is something about meeting with someone else who wants to walk beside you on a journey and has no interest in anything else but being completely honest about this difficult journey with God in the world. Someone who calls you out to be and do better for your life because GOD deserves it. LOVE LOVE LOVE!
We talked alot about something we whisper about in church-the holy spirit. Except when we said it there was power in it "The HOLY SPIRIT" inside of us that created the whole universe -we have that inside of us yet we stay so small and wonder why mountains aren't moving in our lives. Particularly for woman we carry so much guilt worry and shame with us that we cant even see straight sometimes. What we forget about is the power that God gave us to overcome all of this.We all say we have the spirit of God inside of us but who cares if we don't ever harness it. Why does it matter if we say the words but don't use what God gave us to create change in our lives and the lives of others? Does it really matter if we know the words or say the words? I don't think it does.I think any of what we believe really matters if we don't do anything about it and i think in particular the holy spirit power we have is something i want to look into further. Could you imagine what would happen if we tapped into Gods power in us daily and went into the world. Took all our garbage out and made room for the spirit to breathe-wow that would be awesome!
I think that's the very thing that God wants for His children. I think he longs for the days when we wake up in the morning and look at ourselves and love every inch that we see in the mirror,when we greet our spouses with love and thanks for who they are and how they have made our life richer. When we send our children to bed every night with no doubt that they are loved beyond measure, when everyone who comes in contact with us feels better about who they are when we decide to love ourselves in order to send a healthy person in to the world to reflect Gods love onto others. I want that. I no longer want to wish for that but i want to do my best everyday to have that. I am grateful for the people in my life who will make me accountable and help me achieve that. Maybe this journey isn't about finding my FREAK. Maybe i already have it inside me. My Spirit is the FREAK and instead of looking for it i need to harness it.
On this journey i hope to not only find my FREAK (or harness the spirit) but have everyone around me benefit from it. I hope to be the mother with children who know they are loved like crazy, a wife whose husband feels like he's the greatest guy in the world and that when i go into the world my foot print is one of grace love and mercy. Oh this will be tough but i love that there are people who love me enough to keep me accountable.I don't want to just say the words anymore I want to live them . Here we go........... \Oh Lord I really need you.
We talked alot about something we whisper about in church-the holy spirit. Except when we said it there was power in it "The HOLY SPIRIT" inside of us that created the whole universe -we have that inside of us yet we stay so small and wonder why mountains aren't moving in our lives. Particularly for woman we carry so much guilt worry and shame with us that we cant even see straight sometimes. What we forget about is the power that God gave us to overcome all of this.We all say we have the spirit of God inside of us but who cares if we don't ever harness it. Why does it matter if we say the words but don't use what God gave us to create change in our lives and the lives of others? Does it really matter if we know the words or say the words? I don't think it does.I think any of what we believe really matters if we don't do anything about it and i think in particular the holy spirit power we have is something i want to look into further. Could you imagine what would happen if we tapped into Gods power in us daily and went into the world. Took all our garbage out and made room for the spirit to breathe-wow that would be awesome!
I think that's the very thing that God wants for His children. I think he longs for the days when we wake up in the morning and look at ourselves and love every inch that we see in the mirror,when we greet our spouses with love and thanks for who they are and how they have made our life richer. When we send our children to bed every night with no doubt that they are loved beyond measure, when everyone who comes in contact with us feels better about who they are when we decide to love ourselves in order to send a healthy person in to the world to reflect Gods love onto others. I want that. I no longer want to wish for that but i want to do my best everyday to have that. I am grateful for the people in my life who will make me accountable and help me achieve that. Maybe this journey isn't about finding my FREAK. Maybe i already have it inside me. My Spirit is the FREAK and instead of looking for it i need to harness it.
On this journey i hope to not only find my FREAK (or harness the spirit) but have everyone around me benefit from it. I hope to be the mother with children who know they are loved like crazy, a wife whose husband feels like he's the greatest guy in the world and that when i go into the world my foot print is one of grace love and mercy. Oh this will be tough but i love that there are people who love me enough to keep me accountable.I don't want to just say the words anymore I want to live them . Here we go........... \Oh Lord I really need you.
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