Isolation does funny things to a person. I get the privilege of going to work for a few hours a day where people talk to me so I know it is not the same as someone who is isolated all of the time, I know now I could never handle that and have a different prayer life now because of it.
When I was driving home from work I immediately had a feeling of despair come over me knowing that I was coming home to my room, my computer and myself.........that triggered something in me....some ugly old habits of soothing myself to help me forget I was alone. Even in my early married life when I was not technically alone I felt very much alone. Neither my husband or myself knew how to do this married thing well and with two very broken backgrounds and nothing to believe other than ourselves we were left to grasp at whatever or whoever would distract us to fill the moment. I had a few vices but a couple of them crept up on me today on my way home. I had a package to mail so I stopped at our local store that has a post office in the back I dropped off the box and began walking around the store looking for things to purchase but not just anything......I found myself walking out of there and back into my room with a bag of chocolate, chips and scratch tickets oh and a bottle of water. Food and lottery were just two of the vices I used to have, EVERYDAY vices where I would spend money to possibly win money with the promise of escaping the life I felt trapped in, vices that would stuff my body to numb me from having to feel lonely and depressed. Vices that a lot of people did so I thought it was okay but the truth is anything you use to try and fill the hole only Jesus can fill is bad for us...it will lie to us, tempt us and eventually kill our spirit. I scratched the tickets and felt so good doing it, I ate that chocolate bar so fast I don't even remember what it tasted like and I am left with a sore stomach and frustration about spending money I didn't really have on the idea that scratching that ticket could provide me with even more money.
How did I fall so quickly into these old habits with only 3 days into this partial isolation?
God forgive me and help me to go to you on my way home when I know it will be lonely.
God remind me that some of our clients will spend their money on things like lottery tickets and candy that offer false promises of escape and fullness because they are lonely , isolated, desperate for escape and to be filled.
God thank you for Christians Against Poverty and their system to help get people out from under the weight of debt and into the freedom that can only be found in your son Jesus.
Please go to www.capcanada.org/blog to find out how you can help me raise $2,000 for CAP Canada during our staffs #Weekwithout
Stay strong, Helen - you are more than a conqueror. Falling back into old habits is so easily done, soothing in the moment, but hurtful in the long run. You've got this. It took me 2 years of recovery from a gambling addiction to be able to drive by Flamborough and not turn in. Satan has no power over you or your room. Stomp on his pin head, Helen, and boot him to the curb. Is it garbage day tomorrow? Love you!
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