Make me a channel of your peace

Today I have not left the house, wait that's a lie i did get the mail and throw out the kitty litter but you get my point. A shower wasn't necessary but now as i sit here writing this i realize after a long day of medication,coughing,napping,e-mail answering and more napping it is definitely time to do that. I did choose to cancel work today,well besides e-mails, and got over the guilt pretty quick i must admit. Whatever this is knocks me out during the day but in a sick joke keeps me up at night. I was grateful for the wonderful woman who replaced me but to be honest the gig wasn't that hard today. It was handing out baked goods to golfers and then enjoy a delicious meal. I was also grateful for our board member who agreed to say the Thank-you speech i was supposed to say. All of this certainly helped with the guilt.

                      Being sick does lend to some interesting reflection time. Of course i started off being excited that i could have a great excuse for watching the few channels we get but the ones we do get are show after show about people throwing up their life on camera and all of us eating it. Gross analogy i know but so true. After being sick of  the judges,the gossip and the "news" I gave up and sat around for a while doing nothing. Which i need to tell you is very difficult to do. My head began to fill up with alot of junk-i know this probably had something to do with all the junk i just exposed myself to-but i couldn't believe how easily it invaded my brain! What i wanted to do was try in some sense to meditate on God and i started to sing this song in my head that i remembered singing in school called "make me a channel of your peace" I used to hate that song-really hate it. |I remember we used to make fun of it when we had to go to mass at school and there was this one teacher who used to blow into this little harmonica thing before we would start and move her finger up and down as if we were going to somehow follow it and make some beautiful sound in a grand choir at the cathedral. What she got were giggles when she blew that thing and exaggerated voices when we would get to the part " so much to be consoled as to CON SOOOOOOOLLLLLLEEE! in this annoying high pitch wail. I feel like i need to find out where that teacher lives now and apologize to her.

                    If you have never heard of that song look it up. It really is great . The words are from ST.Francis of Assisi and i meditated on them for some time this afternoon and gained a real appreciation for them. I love when God does that with memories. He floods back the ones he knows you will need just to show you nothing is a waste.  I found this one by Sinead O'Conner that's great just close your eyes and listen.

On this journey to find my FREAK i love how He uses it all. I think all of these references to the Catholic church, this song,CWL and Mother Theresa are Gods way of reminding me that my Catholic experience probably wasn't as terrible as I used to say. Maybe in all that junk i talk about deep beneath it was still God all the time. I didn't experience the fullness of God because He wasn't there but much like my own life i choose to focus on the junk instead of what was underneath all that pile. No worries I dont think I will be heading back to the Catholic church anytime soon but i have to tell you my roots on God really are there so maybe some more digging may be just what i need on this journey. Wow somewhere my grade 10 religion teacher is hearing the sound of angels singing "AMEN" :)

Thanks for following the journey.

Finding the spark that ignites the FREAK

I had a speaking engagement last night at the C.W.L for those of you that don't know what that is it is the Catholic Woman's League and this group was just one of many around the world. It had been a few years since i was there last time to speak to them. When they last saw me i was still trying to juggle working at the Long term care facility and also at HHSM. I showed up with a cardboard sign and a few homemade print outs of what time the mission was open and i was just excited to get the invite to talk about this crazy thing God is doing.
                    When i arrived there last night i started to put up our fancy sign made by a professional graphics design place and one of the ladies commented how nice it looked. I placed the professionally printed flyers and information about our many programs that now run through the program center and I was feeling really proud of where God has brought this little spark from. I sat in on their meeting that went over their budget and updates. I listened to the list of places they were giving to and joined them in prayer for the problem of Human Trafficking for the victims and for those exploiting them. They talked and prayed about abortion laws,gave updates on the latest news and on the people in their parish who were in need of any kind of help. Some spoke very passionately about the many social justice issues and through thier prayer you could feel the compassion in their hearts pouring out with every word. Above the room was a statue of St. Francis of Assisi  and i might be crazy but i think he was smiling.
                          After their meeting it was my turn. Gladys introduced me and this time it was no longer "she has one new grade nine in the house and a little girl" it was "she has one newly married daughter and a new grade nine in her family" IT was so surreal to me how far and how long it had been. As i got up to speak about he mission with some old faces and some new something really fantastic came over me. I realized that the fancy sign and new pamphlets were great but that as i looked out at the woman listening to my every word the expressions hadn't changed at all since the last time. I saw them nod and smile when ever I mentioned God or Jesus. They had pain in their faces when I spoke about the needs there. They still laughed at my bad jokes. And when i was finished they were so joyful and excited for Gods promises for all of us and I felt like no time had passed. Oh there was more to tell, the numbers were greater, new programs were running, God was really building a community down in the city through HHSM but what remained the same was the fire I was feeling inside my soul. The Holy Spirit fire that i remember consuming me. I felt that again. My spirit was glowing and I knew I was in one of those amazing moments where God wants you to be as a part of His greater plan. Like there is no other place in the world you should be, like a little piece of heaven it seriously felt that good.
                                    When i was finished and they presented me with a thank-you card and donation for HHSM a couple of ladies who had just been presented earlier with flowers for all the work they had done in raising funds for the group came and gave me the flowers and said "thank-you for being uniquely you. |You have a gift of speaking that shows the spirit pouring out of you and listen to |God . He is going to use you." I was breathless, excited and humbled. I knew the "unique" word was used because when the CWL think a missionary is coming I know I am not what they expect but that's why God is so great. I was humbled to hear what i felt was a prophesy of my life and where it may be heading with this speaking "gig" Gods got me on. I was breathless because i could now rest without worry that I may have re-connected with a piece of my FREAK.
                     I guess sometimes to get back  we need to go back. I have been invited to speak in November at two different ladies conferences and I was so excited because they were bigger and I was going to be a main speaker. I am glad God brought me back to the ladies of the CWL and not just because of the amazing carrot cake,which was amazing by the way, but because it was the spark i needed to have ignited before He leads me to the next step to remind me who is in charge and where I found my FREAK in the first place.

Confirmation along the way about this crazy journey

Had a great JESUS FREAK weekend full of great conversations about: life,God,Jesus,hope,confusion,inspiration,scripture,church,pain,faith, purpose,future,church,the kingdom and so much more.We seriously talked about all that stuff starting from Friday night to just now when I left church it has been a full weekend of amazing open honest discussion.

              It all started when Tom and I watched a documentary about existence where someone went around the world and across america to ask people questions about God, religion, morality,faith,purpose etc. We watched as many different people from many different backgrounds and faiths gave a different glimpse into what they think is right or true. I loved when he traveled to India to talk to the many different religions there and we learned alot about groups of people we had made many assumptions about and we saw that there was alot more similarities between us then differences. I know that sounds cliche but it was so true. This led to a dinner "party" on Saturday where we sat down at our house with two very inspiring single mothers and began to talk about this whole journey that I am blogging about. I realized that through all they have to struggle with (much more than me) there roots were really deep in God so much so that they spoke openly about parts of their own journeys.We talked about who people think we (Christians) are in the world, our responsibility to help change that and the people who  we thought we were called to be. Struggles about purpose, meaning and promises of God and scripture.One of those fantastic discussions where you are challenged by someone in love and witness to what  grace can look like- to walk with ease beside someone on a journey whether you agree or disagree with it all.It wasn't some really over the top deep theological confusing discussion but more of a "here's what i have learned" "this is where I think God is calling us too" "oh i remember feeling like that this is how I walked through it". Oh those kinds of dinner conversations are truly a gift. A sense of  feeling a step of   growth on your journey.
                       At church this morning i prayed through the first 2 songs that I was coming in to the space for the right reasons and that I wanted to leave my baggage at the door and be open to the fullness of the experience. I thought that was the right thing to pray about-I guess we never really know at the time if its right-maybe there is no right ans wrong.The truth is I don't really know. But I prayed it anyway hoping to see some shift in my thinking of church as a place where my spirit hasn't felt right for a while-hoping it was selfishness I could pray away and be there for the right reasons. And then it happened. As church started and the preaching began i felt a sense of relief. Strange to say i know.  It wasn't like i felt this fire ripping through my spirit like a holy ghost invasion but more of a sense that this journey that I am taking myself on with God is okay. The questions i have are not only normal but a good sign that i am on a journey of faith that is leading to something great. I confess that over the last few days i have felt (with some different feedback) that perhaps I needed to be careful what I expose, how something might sound to someone else,that i am aware that I may offend someone. Look if i start going postal on here and screaming "leave the church,God doesn't exist, send me $500 or we are all going to parish in the pits of hell because I am the new messiah" than please call someone, this blog needs to be stopped and tell my children to commit me to a nice quiet place to live out the rest of my days. But seriously. After being re- inspired by the stories of Gods people in scripture, Gods messed up, screwed up people in scripture and re affirming that He can and does use anyone but the screw-ups in particular-all of us I came away with this thought. If the people we read about in the bible had a blog and they wrote down all the feelings they were having and all their struggles and all their fears and questions I think it might look a little like mine sometimes.
                                                             I feel much better now. I feel better about this open, honest,strange crazy, questioning journey I am on with God. I am looking forward to where this is taking me next and maybe along the way I can continue to have great open conversations with people who agree and disagree about it and grow from it all. I guess maybe that's one of Gods point for the church-to challenge and grow with one another that maybe doesn't always look like a nice neat agreement but a difficult beautiful mess sometimes. I am excited to be looking forward to this season of church that is going to allow for a breaking down of scripture and helping us to find ourselves in God story. I am hopeful for a community that we can get uncomfortable with together and watch something magical happen.I felt a little FREAK coming on today but it seems to look a little different than I remember-but I guess it should. I need to keep that in mind.

Oh what a journey oh what a life oh what an amazing God we have!

Great reminder to get my FREAK on today!100huntley.com - Helping Hands Street Ministry--Magdalene John

100huntley.com - Helping Hands Street Ministry--Magdalene John

I wanted to share this video with all of you because I watched it again this morning to set my spirit on fire before going out today. I am humbled by the video but love the reminder of how amazing God is and how he can rebuild anything or anyone.
Hope you have a blessed day and get your FREAK on! :)

No more Mr.Nice Jesus

So what am i really searching for? I realized something today when having some tea on the back porch of a friends house, a tea that turned into a 5 hour conversation about the Kingdom. You don't really start that way. I was really looking forward to the green tea and tarts (which were fabulous by the way) and of course catching up with my friend but didn't plan on talking about the Kingdom but I realize its all about the kingdom. I realized that some of this JESUS FREAK searching might just be about finding where i fit in. I confessed to my friend today that for the first time in my "church" experience (which has only been 9years) i feel like an "alien". Like I am in a place with nice people,nice building,nice music,nice places to serve but that my spirit cant breathe in "nice". It is comfortable,easy,nice.I am in a season where nice frustrates me.

                         I cant say anything bad about my church. Like I said its nice. The people, the building the music the serving opportunities. I don't want nice. i think nice may equal "easy" i don't want "easy". Its funny because other times on my journey when things were going a little easier i liked it. No work,show up,sing songs,take notes and ride the wave.Awesome! Not really, to be honest those were the times when i felt the furthest away from God and Jesus-whos that guy anyway oh he holds my hand and gives me a hug-nice guy.For the past year i have felt that way again. I started to enjoy the comfort a little. We have definitively struggled personally but i loved all the down,easy time with church. I was using this as my escape but it would be short lived. You can only use church for a distraction for so long-then it becomes abuse. I was abusing God i was ignoring Jesus-the Jesus I miss. Not Mr.Nice Jesus but the Jesus from the past who challenged me to be brave,rely on the Father, bring some Kingdom into the world even if its not comfortable. I was sitting in the space but being disconnected hating the "business" of church and missing the challenges of Kingdom life. I wanted to blame the church but its not the churches fault. I sat there saying nothing, enjoying the comfort at first then hating it then blaming the church but its not the churches fault. its mine.I want my FREAK back I want my search for the Kingdom back I want to feel uncomfortable again.

                       I want to be out of the building more than being in the building. I want to be out and expanding the Kingdom.I want to take my tithe sometimes and knock on the door of someone who is struggling and leave a note that doesn't try to get them to attend my church but just says "God loves you". I want to see us gather as a community in the parking lot and sit WITH our children and create cards that tell people the truth about God-that He loves all of us and go as a church and go buy Tim Horton's gift cards or grocery store cards and go to the apartment building across the street and bless the people who live there. Simply having a church in a community doesn't mean people will just show up. The point isn't to bless people so they show up for church but so they can see a small glimpse of the kind of people God expects us to be. People who give without expectation. I find it funny that we all gather together on Sunday and then often gather again during the week but our group looks very similar to Sundays group just smaller. How does that bring more to the kingdom? I want to be a part of a movement that meets as a community but not always in the comfort of a building with nice people nice music nice serving. I want to get back to my JESUS FREAK and I figured out today that the only way to get there is to get dirty in my discipleship again and walk really close behind Him-not waiting for a nice hug but watching closely as He goes out into the not so nice world.

Anyone else on this journey?

back to school JESUS FREAK lessons from my daughter

First I would like to thank my friend Cam for his response to my last blog. I confess I was hoping someone would relieve me of this silly standard I set for myself in my obsession with blogging everyday until I turned 40. I didn't realize that the journey itself would lead me to so many places, people and challenges that the time for blogging wouldn't always come. I appreciate his honesty of wanting to follow a blog that was inspired not just put out to fill necessary blogging time. Thanks for that Cam!

                                           As i go through this journey and challenge myself with new books to read,scripture to look at and people to encounter while finding my FREAK i realized that an amazing lesson in finding my FREAK was right in front of me this whole time. The past few days has been a crazy time of fitting in the "last days" of summer and some worry about the first day of grade nine-perhaps more so from me than my daughter and throughout this time and my personal reflections I noticed a few things in my daughter as she prepared to go to highschool that i needed to take on my own "schooling" journey.
#1 She took the time to prepare. Not just gathering books and paper but talking to us about what it might be like and taking the time to reflect on it. I would watch as she sat thinking about the big day ahead and wondered if I took that same time each day preparing for the next.I know I have lots of books and journals for the journey but how much time am I reflecting and talking to others about what it might be like to find my FREAK again.

#2 she was honest about her fears.  Just laid it all out there for us, her fears of being picked on like in the past, not being able to keep up with the fast pace of the classroom and measuring up to others. Could I be that honest with my own struggles and fears? My daughter is Epileptic and so many of these fears are legitimate concerns about things she cannot control in her life. Most of her bullying in the past stemmed from her illness and the pace of classroom life is something she may always be trying to catch up on. I don't have those issues, most of my fears are based on feeling personally inadequate or not measuring up to this strange standard i set for myself when I first met Jesus. I was so desperate to not be who I was anymore that I forgot who I was-does that makes sense? I feel like I threw the baby out with the bathwater. I discarded all of me including the me that God made to be and didst realize that some of who I was was still ok. Part of this journey I have learned from my daughter is letting people know about my fears and know we all have them.

#3 She stepped out despite her fears. On the morning of her first day of public high school she stepped out the door, fears and all, not know\ing what was going to happen and unsure about the people, the building and everything to do with her day would be unchartered territory. She didn't know if she would have a negative experience or if she could keep up with the others but she stepped outside the door anyway.She only had the promise that God would be watching out for her ( a major part of our prayer for her first day) Thats what I want again! I want to step into each day with no guarantee of goodness but only of the promise that God had it under control. I want to be fearless like my fourteen year old. I want to be bold like her and just 'Go"

 I know not everyday seems like a major step for any of us-first day of school or journey to 40 but i have decided to look at each day like Hannah did on her first day. To prepare with not just tools but surrounded by community, to be honest about my fears and to step out without any promise of a good day but with knowing that no matter what happens God is on my side. I have a new spark for my JESUS FREAK journey thanks to my daughters first day of grade nine. I have decided to watch her more closely and take in the all the wisdom she has to offer me. You know the people i have met in my life that seem to have the most wisdom to offer me are usually too humble to realize it. I made sure she knew it last night before bed.

Thanks for following on my journey I look forward to all the wisdom I can gain from all of you.

Good thing Jesus loves me..... i think I am already failing this task. :)

This JESUS FREAK journey is proving to be harder than I thought. As I write this i realize how silly it sounds that I perhaps thought it would be easy-you know my journey with Jesus-i have so much growing up to do. Obviously I have already failed a big part of my year long blogging journey to find my FREAK simply because I have now missed 2 days of this personal journal writing. Plus some may think I have failed the biggest part of all by the fact that I am writing this as everyone at the church I normally attend is singing worship songs and I am not just late I decided to spend time with Jesus all day today and we will start off here with some of my confessions and then I will be at "church" getting a coffee at the local coffee shop and then walking to the park with my husband to discuss our journeys with Jesus. I thought I would feel guilty . I don't.God said it was ok that I didn't meet to talk to Him in the building-i read it yep in THE BOOK.

                   I am wrestling with something else though. Its with the fact that I get paid for the job I do at the mission. I know my title is Executive Director and believe me I dont make an E.D salary but i still wonder if part of this JESUS FREAK journey for me means getting back to the 5+ years that I did the job with no pay(money that is the rewards and blessings were certainly abundant) yet was filled with Holy spirit fire unending. I also realize that it seems insane for me to suggest that I dont get paid right now since my husband is currently unemployed. But I cannot shake this feeling that if the mission didnt pay me there would be less stress for fundraising. I wondered last night after I prayed if God needs me to release that money so that I can trust more in Him. What if the mission kept my salary and instead I relied on my speaking engagements for whatever blessing God decided? I will let you know how this part of my journey goes but what if my holding on to being paid at the mission is preventing Tom from finding a job? What if God is calling my bluff and really believing what I am relying on Him for?
                                                           Maybe i'm wrong. Maybe the white cheddar popcorn I ate before bed made me crazy but i cant shake this so i wonder is HE trying to tell me something? Am i missing something? Am I really just crazy?I dont know. Just another day in the life of my JESUS FREAK journey.